How many times

How many times have you had to start over? And how many times will you have to do it again?

How many times have you cried for that person? And how many times until you smile again?

How many times you thought it was over? For the good and the bad things. And then you were proven wrong.

Mourning a loss. A sweet memory that was buried in your brain and unexpectedly was triggered and resurfaced. And it left a little cut inside. Probably a new one, since this came so out of the blue. You went back to that moment, relived it all as if it was happening now. And then reality kicked in again, realised it was only one last sweet memory. It hurt, it’s still hurting. Mourning a sweet and caring moment, forever gone.

And I am perfectly aware that there will be bigger, greater, stronger, sweet and amazing moments in my life. But I still felt the need to mourn this one.

About grief and goodbye

We tend to associate grief to someone else. Losing somebody who was very close to you, who all of a sudden is gone.

There is another kind of grief though. And it can be as painful as the previous one, and it’s about losing a part of yourself that you love dearly, or that you feel like it’s part of your identity so deeply, that losing it is piercing. It can be after a breakup, when you mourn a version of yourself that does not exist anymore. Or, it can be when circumstances force you into changing your lifestyle so much that you don’t recognize yourself anymore. You sometimes have time to prepare for it, and you know that in advance, and some other times it’s such a sudden circumstance that hits you like a thunder and paralyzes you.

Either way, it takes time to accept it, to readjust. It brings huge waves of sadness, desperation, anger, rage. Fear. You feel like this is so unfair and you so not deserved it. Because you know there is no turning back from it, and all you are left with is with broken pieces.

This kind of moments are very humbling. They help you put everything in the right perspective. We tend to take for granted so much about our life. Being able to breathe, eat, sleep. Rest. Feel the sun on your skin, dipping in warm water, listen to our favorite music. Hug the people we love.

To me, being independent is one of the things that I value the most in this life. Being able to walk, talk, do whatever I need to, from grocery to paying the bills. And being independent I feel that I own my time, and I prioritize spending it wisely. And since I was a teenager one of the things that I loved spending my time the most on was movement. I started swimming, then combined it with dancing and finally joined a gym club, when I turned 21.

Movement for me is what keeps me grounded. It makes me feel free, powerful, in control. It’s a way for me to express myself and all the mess I carry inside, especially when I dance. It’s a way to process emotions and hard times, especially with weight training. It’s one of the foundations of my confidence. And losing the ability to move is one of by biggest fears.

Being faced with the risk of losing the ability to move and live as freely as I’ve done so far, is appalling. It feels like balancing on the verge of the darkest fall. And for the first time ever you find yourself thinking about the meaning of life, and whether you would still enjoy living if they took that away from you. Would I still be able to be happy? Would I ever accept myself? Who would I transform into?

There is still an hopeless optimistic part of me that still wants things to go in a different direction. That part still thinks that maybe it’s not that bad. “It cannot be, right? You know me, I’m strong and invincible. Never had a cold in the past 20 years.”

Then there is the more realistic one, saying “Dude, this is looking bad. Just embrace it and make sure you make the right decision in terms of treatment and surgery. Try to be smart and reduce to minimum the things you cannot plan”.

Being completely honest, there is also a dramatic part. “It would have been worse if you had somebody depending on you, but it’s not the case. So if you die at least you don’t leave anyone behind.”

I still think that I’m too young to be forced to face this. But I guess that’s not my choice, and things can always be worse, so let’s stop complaining and let’s try to be pragmatic here, once again.

Bitchy Sunday Evening

Of course you don’t waste time bad-mouthing others. But sometimes it’s healthy to hash out a little and just share my innocent opinion.

You are a poor soul. An empty one. You have no idea who you are, what you like, what makes you happy. You have no ability to introspect. You don’t know yourself. The best thing you are capable of is running away. You disappear, lie and create a fake reality to save appearances. You can adapt to a lot, until, guess what? It does not fulfill you because it’s not what makes you happy. So you try it for a while, because everybody is doing it.

But then you are not even capable of standing up for yourself and saying clearly you want to let go. You’d rather turn into this slippery eel, refusing any kind of accountability. Somebody else will figure it out for you and will be left alone to clean your mess. While you’re far gone already.

You are surrounded by 2 types of people: empty foggy boxes like your brain, or narcissistic profiles bossing you around like a fucking puppet. And you don’t even realize it, you just follow the flow.

You found a partner that looks just like your last BFF wife. You need to post every few weeks on your SM how happy you are. How good you are in taking pictures and showcasing the perfect relationship. Collecting so many comments full of love and appreciation from all of your amazing friends. The same who will turn their back on you the minute they don’t need you anymore or feel disappointed in you for some reasons. Ah but I forgot, you’re a people pleaser so you’re absolutely safe. Ah man, true happiness indeed then.

I still wish you the best, I just know that you are still very far from it. You were given a once in a lifetime chance to take the leap and evolve. Instead, you shit your pants, let it pass. Did not even provide an answer.

And now I ask myself, why do I even care? Probably because it was painful, unfair, and because time always tells. And it will continue to tell for sure.

Full-circle of instability, 1 year later

I didn’t know yet, but one year ago I was already mourning a version of me that was about to be gone. It was a version of me shaped by circumstances and decisions taken out of habits and inertia. But also stubbornness, because I thought I knew what my life was meant to look like within the next few years.

It felt like I was so strongly committed to a picture that I had in my mind, and I had been fighting for it for months, ignoring the reality in front of my eyes. Until it all kinda exploded into my face and forced me to take new decisions, in a new, scary direction.

It was awful. The feeling of deep loneliness, betrayal, of looking around you and seeing absolutely no-one. Out of a huge list of people on the WhatsApp conversations, all of a sudden that multitude reduced to 0, 1, 2, 3 people. And I will always be extremely grateful for them, because I don’t know what would have I done without them, back then.

I even quit my job 1 day prior to pass the probation period, because it felt like the wrong place for me, and embarked on a temporary adventure. 3 months only, I hadn’t had a temporary contract for over 10 years, when I was doing internships. And yet, there I was, 30+ and temporary. But the need for a change and follow my instinct was way stronger than any fear of the unknown.

It felt like for once, I needed to say “fuck it all” and jump into instability, learn to let go of control and just surf onto life.

It turned out pretty well, I can say that one year later. But it was a hell of a ride: work-wise, instability was a constant in my life from July until December. I didn’t know if the temporary 3 month contract was going to be renewed (in the end it was), for how long (they did it twice, 6 weeks + 5 weeks, and with very short notice period), then I interviewed for a permanent position, then they disappeared with no feedback for about 2 weeks, and then the very last day of my temporary contract I did receive an offer for a permanent contract in my dream company (like, literally).

But there’s more: turns out that in my dream company, probation period is not just a formality. Unlike 99% of other companies where I’ve worked at, you could actually fail here and lose your job. And you have specific targets to reach, and if you don’t, you are out.

Imagine how that made me feel for the past 6 months. I was struggling with the goals, and at some point I realized I was not gonna make it. So I raised all the flags, put in all the work I was capable of, and ultimately and most importantly, decided to trust the process. I knew I was giving it my all. If things didn’t work, then at least I would have been in peace with myself.

That shift of attitude changed everything. I had more energy, a clearer mind, better prioritization skills. I easily focused but not obsessed, and that helped me to crawl back. Until yesterday, when I received the “unofficial” confirmation that the intention is to keep me in the permanent position.

I am just 1 conversation away, which is scheduled for next week. 1 year and a half later, I will finally go back to having a stable job, being able to plan holidays, and life in general. And most importantly, I will be able to shift my focus on my next goal.

When?

Time is passing by, as usual. And yet, I still feel nostalgic.

I feel like I am still a prisoner in my own head, playing on repeat the good memories that I know will never come back. And they will never come back because I decided so.

On the rational side I am aware that the decision I made was the right one. It was for the best. Those good memories belong to a time that was far gone, prior to taking the decision I took.

I guess over time you get clarity. And it becomes less and less painful to dive into the sweet parts. Or maybe you just decide to treasure the good side of things, and let go the negative one. As if it never happened. But it did, in fact.

Some small things still come to me, from time to time. Not walking at the same speed, not holding hands, spending the entire time asleep, so he did not have to bear with me. Zero affection. Zero genuine interest in me. Making plans outside the relationships. Reducing communication to zero. Feeling ugly, shitty, repulsive. I felt completely alone in the relationship. And I felt like I was fighting alone. And I did fucking fight, except it served to nothing. And the reason for that is because on the other side, the other person had disengaged already. He just did not care anymore and did not have the emotional maturity to process that. Or to let me know in any other way that was not passive.

This is why I cannot be mad at anybody, and I cannot regret the decision. I can only reassure myself of two things: what we had was real and deep, but not deep enough. And over time it just wore off; and once everything died, it made no sense to keep on fighting alone. So it was most definitely the best decision I could take.

Right now I am not sure how emotionally available I am. It’s been almost one year. I feel like I am very clear with myself about what is worth it and what is not. But at the same time, I am not trying to find any answers. I try to keep myself busy, and in my time off I always need some music or noise around me. Some kind of distraction.

I am also not sure how emotionally stable I am. And that’s the thing that I am absolutely not willing to find out. Probably, that’s the only answer that I need.

Relationships Cleanse

Things I learned this year:

• People lie, even the ones you considered were the closest to you. And I am allowed to lie too, sometimes it just makes life easier and brings no collateral damage.
• People are human, they make mistakes that hurt you. It’s up to you to draw the line and decide your boundaries, what you are willing to take on and what you are not. To me, intention plays a crucial role here.
• People change over time. Some get to resemble their mother, flaws included. Some grow themselves and outgrow their own social groups. No surprise you may not recognize or have a good relationship anymore with some of them, while you’re developing new and better bonds somewhere else.
• Chasing someone is never worth it. Who wants to stay will stay, and that’s their own choice. It also works the other way around: I am not forced to stay anywhere, I can put distance from any situation that makes me feel uncomfortable, anxious, or that feels forced. No need to prove anything anymore, to anybody, and this is so liberating.
• My anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing. It is actually a very powerful tool that lately is helping me navigating many situations. Raising red flags even before my rational brain forms an opinion.
• Learning new things is key for me to be happy and fulfilled.
• Everything is in constant change. The only thing that is going to be with me until the end is actually myself. So nothing is as worth it as developing myself and putting myself first, always. This does not mean “I don’t give a sh*t about anybody else but me” (semicit.), but it’s just a blueprint to help me set the right priorities in life.
• Overcoming your fears is actually very empowering. Do that solo trip. Living in fear is not worth it.
• People might be intimidated or triggered by you. Guess what, it’s their problem.
• Beauty matters. Money matters. Whoever tells you otherwise, is either lying or delusional. Either way, I’m not interested.
• Someone’s opinion about therapy will tell you more about them than so much bullshit they will shower you with otherwise.
• Psychological and emotional wellbeing is just as important as the physical one. Or even more important, in some cases, to have that strength to switch things up.
• I’m all-in for relationships that are balanced. Not only romantic ones, which is obvious, but also friendships and overall connections, even superficial ones. If at some point we are always talking about you, and you only expect effort from me, and you are so used at getting it that you don’t even notice nor value it anymore, then I’m not interested anymore. If I don’t feel like you care, then what’s the point, for me? None. So let’s cut on this energy waste and let’s redirect it to more valuable things.

What a ride.

Full circle it is.

One year ago I was in a moment of strong transition. Just I did not know yet how strong that transition was about to become. If I look back at it now, I might call it cleanse.

I deeply challenged and destroyed all that I knew about myself. I got rid of people that I once thought were what was holding me to the ground. And most importantly, I stopped chasing them when I saw they were the ones pulling away from me.

I discovered a much deeper layer of me that I didn’t even know it existed. I decided to nurture it and I got so impressed with what that new layer was able to achieve.

How deep one’s identity can become. How eclectic, how multifaceted. How powerful. How empowering it is when you get to connect with you to a deeper level. And most importantly, love what you see within. Convert yourself in your own gravity center. And irradiate energy from within, like a warm light that surrounds everything and everyone around you.

Know and accept, at the same time, that not everybody will be open to that light. That everyone is on their own journey and that’s absolutely okay. Some will just be blind to it. Others will see that light, but might be intimidated by it. Or challenged. Even triggered. And how they react to that will determine whether they are worth your time and attention, or not. And either way, it is still very much okay. And most importantly, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Never question your worth based on others’ perception. Never let them determine wether you are worth it or not. You always are, just make sure you surround yourself with the right people. An learn to walk away when the time comes, for whatever reason.

Some people came to your life for just a short appearance, some might stay a little longer, but ultimately everything is only temporary. Like that millisecond that waited the whole eternity to happen, and in the blink of an eye is gone forever again and will never come back.

The bottom line is that every appearance comes with a learning, if you are open and humble enough to receive it and make it yours.

And that is probably the best way for me to go through life. Seeing it as an ongoing process of change, always aiming at improvement, growth, optimization, empowerment.

Learning new things is what keeps me alive.

Therapeutic session

Today it happened again. That urge to write some thoughts down, in an extent to calm this restless mind. Let things out to mark a new set point. And hopefully keep moving forward.

I have a weird perception of time lately. It usually flies by and I don’t even realize it, which makes me uncomfortable when I suddenly do. But things have changed so much lately and I’ve been so connected with myself every step of the way, that I start thinking how being conscious can actually slow time down. Be present for days and weeks. Forced to be with yourself by the circumstances.

These past weeks kept feeling like a rollercoaster. So dense with events, decisions, choices, reactions, emotions. Unexpected outcomes. Adjustments. In the meantime I also came to some very healthy realizations, that are helping me finding a new, deeper love for myself. Where I used to define someone else “home”, I’m now in the process of identifying home with me instead and I think that’s something that I had never achieved before. I actually need to write this again: I am my own home. Finding those steady foundation in me, realizing that I can be my own roots and that I do have the strength to move on and walk away from people and situations that are no good for me, it’s a huge comforting step ahead in my path to healing, and growing.

Recently there have also been times where I temporarily lost that trust in myself. Lost the trust that I would be able to take good care of me, to keep me safe, to avoid unpleasant situations that had not happened to me in years. There have been times of big fear where I felt so unsafe that I could not even raise my eyes from the ground, as it used to happen so many years ago. But then that new feeling came in. That kindness that I started talking to myself with. And it was so heartwarming, comforting and needed.

Then I got a decent energy boost to roll through the last week, despite a complicated beginning. And I slowly rose until…Sunday night. Where I suddenly found myself longing for the old routine, for that presence, for that feeling of comfort. Where I began feeling so lonely again and probably a little sorry for myself. And yes, I know and I repeat to myself that what I had is long gone now, and won’t never come back, and that it was the best decision that I could ever make. I also remind me that I’m paving the road to a better and greater future and to more authentic happiness. But still, sometimes I guess nostalgia kicks in and decides to paint memories in a golden light, while the reality was actually grey for so long. But I think we all need a hug sometimes and being an adult means that no matter how much you need it, you might not get it at times. So all that’s left to do is writing down what’s on your mind and hope it will be enough to overcome the moment of struggles.

And yet, being adult also means knowing that I’ll be OK. That everything is temporary, that the pain is part of the process and that every experience is part of my identity. Part of the home, of the roots, of who I am. So I can only embrace this and let it pass along until it’s over.

Pursuit of happiness

I question myself a lot. I always try to keep as many open chances as possible and to account myself as the owner of everything around me and that I’m involved in. Especially, lately, in relationships.

It hurts so much to see the indifference from people that were once close to you. That you used to consider family.

Resilience is good but only until a certain point. After that healthy threshold, it becomes pointless and harmful. To myself.

When I was a teenager I learn the hard way that this world is not fair. It’s only about learning how it works and play the rules in your favor as much as possible. And even then, sometimes it leads to failure.

Failure is part of life. Without failure there could not be success. Without pain there would be no pleasure.

And it’s so hard when you miss what you had with someone but at the same time you know you won’t never have it back. People change, grow apart, walk away. They don’t always recognize it, explain it to you. The lack of answers is an answer per se too. And it’s so heavy when you miss somebody so much that you feel stuck under this heavy pressure.

But I guess now it’s time to build over. Create a new structure, where I’m comfortable. Where I don’t need to chase, ask for confirmations, feel unworthy, unloved. Where I do fit in perfectly, where nobody judges nor downplays me. It’s a painful process because the good memories surfaces and drag me down sometimes. But it’s also a needed process. Healing. I also know what I need, what I accept and what I don’t. I’m at a point where I know my red flags. My priorities. I just need to collect enough energy to keep pushing through.

Cold feet

Here we are. Classic case of cold feet just before a big decision.

It’s easy to get all sentimental and right before taking the leap, start looking at what you’re leaving behind again and challenge it all. All of a sudden, a dreadful situation that has kept getting worse for months does not seem that bad, and you do your best to find all the positive things that you were not seeing up until now. As if those good things were enough. Focusing on that little spot of light.

But then you widen your gaze again and you see all the context. You recall all the deceptions. All the wrongs, all the shit you had to put up with which was so different from what you had been sold in the first place. Shit that started raining from the very first instant after you had jumped onboard. With your highest hopes.

It’s all a matter of leaping. Leaps of faith, maybe. This one definitely is. Leaps of hope, leaps in the dark. Leaps in the empty.

That’s when you get scared. When you look down and you see no safe net. When you look down and you see how hard the fall could be. And right in that moment you feel the fear, the doubts. You keep looking back, maybe I can still stay and postpone the jump. But yet, deep down you know that is not an option anymore.

So all you can do is just jump, and spread your wings as wide as you can and fight as hard as you are able to, and hope it will be enough to stay afloat.

You remind yourself how this was a meditated decision. A calculated risk, afterall. And betting it all sometimes it’s the only way to shake up a situation that is now stuck and still bears uncertainty anyways. Roll the dice and change the game.

Fantasizing that it will actually turn out great seems too scary now. Too daring. Confiding that some good things will come out of this sound foolish. Because I am used at setting myself up for the worst scenario. And maybe that’s the problem, like in a loop of self-confirming assumptions.

So in the end, the only thing that I can actually do is just jump. Eyes open or closed, it doesn’t matter that much at this point. Do it for the experience, the learnings, the new people that will cross my path. Do it for the challenge, but also to make a statement. I am brave enough to go through this regardless of the fear and the odds against me that my head still wants to see. And try to turn them into a contemplating mindset, open for growth, in whichever form it may come across.

Roller coaster

Disconnected.

Then, connected. To myself, to the gut, to the core.

In pain.

Then, OK. Then cold and detached.

Tired.

Then full of everlasting energy. Then exhausted again.

Stressed. Then anxious.

Then numb.

Then fine again, calm, quiet, in control.

No middle ground.

Confused, rolling. Just going with the flow.

Absolutely unable to plan anything, not even for a few hours apart.

Changes keep crashing on like an angry wave on a tired boulder.

I decide to see everything as an opportunity. Focus on every learning that I get from every situation, no matter how good, bad, unpleasant, fun it is.

Cherish my freedom. Taking calculated risks. Experiment. Explore. Getting hurt again. Laugh harder than ever the next day.

Life is mine, time is mine.

Everything is suddenly open again: for more change, for more turnarounds, for more ups and down.

Buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Blurred lines

This is probably one of the most needed posts I’ve written so far. And it took me so long to find the words and the concepts.

I needed to write this for myself, to get some sort of closure and clarity on a decision I’ve taken recently.

Relationships are never easy. And the more I grow up the more I learn and discover new things about me, but also about others and life in general. When I thought I was doing good and raising issues, to address them, go through them and finally get past them, turns out I was not doing it enough. When I was feeling I was putting in an effort, turned out it was not even seen nor perceived on the other end.

Like a signal that gets lost in the universe. What was causing pain on my side and what I was fighting hard for, was passing almost unperceived on the other side.

And while in the beginning this appalled me and left me hurt and speechless, I ultimately came to the conclusion that it actually just confirmed that what I was feeling and what I was trying to revert was actually real. That there was such a great disconnection that even my efforts were not enough to break the loss of signal. It was trying to empty the sea with a spoon. Or keep a fire alive with no oxygen, just by blowing with all the capacity of my lungs, but still it was never going to be enough.

The feeling of loneliness was my biggest companion for months. Feeling like I was always put on second, third priority, when that was my best scenario.

I questioned myself a lot and I still do it as of today sometimes. It hurts thinking that something so powerful could die out of …nothing. Just gradual distance. Two people growing apart. Two people sharing the keys of a flat, but not much more. With barely no communication.

Surprisingly but also gladly, there is no anger. For sure there is pain, there is sadness, there is nostalgia.

And once the magic is broken, the stars are off, the tears are running. They run slow, they are tired after the long run. The silence is the only presence left, and that’s when I take a look around me. What I’m learning is that all those relationships that I thought I had, that circle of acquaintances, those names on my WhatsApp history were actually much more superficial than I would dare to admit and imagine. And as it firstly came in as a big shock, and I felt the vertigo of that new form of loneliness, I then realized, that probably I had always known that. I could feel it, but I did not want to see it? There is not much I can do at this point anyway. Just accept a situation that does not depend on me and embrace this new loneliness. Pull out that strength one more time from within, and walk alone. Get used to the silence.

Impermanence

I was scrolling on social media some time ago and this article popped out, talking about the approach to life.

It presented a concept that I had never reflected much on before, which is the idea of impermanence. It reminds me a little about the “panta rei” from the Classic Greek Culture, but with an additional take, which is: not only all the good moments are temporary, so are the bad ones.

This idea of relativizing everything feels so good and liberating. I remember a similar approach was suggested to me 4 years ago in the beginning of the pandemic. I was so upset due to all the changes and the uncertainty, and whenever they told me “don’t worry, it’s just temporary” it actually had a calming down effect.

Part of the implications generated by this kind of attitude is also that I stopped seeing life like a marathon, that you have to run “until the end” or “until your next milestone”. I still believe I need projects in my life to give it some sense, but I am more aware than ever that I am the only one who decides which projects are worth it and which are not. And such worth comes from what makes me happy, that is all that matters. And, most importantly, that it’s OK to have doubts and change your mind along the way. I am the first one changing and evolving and developing. So it would not make sense to fight to fit in a project that has become too small (or too big) or meaningless to me.

The key of the question is to be in touch with yourself first and foremost. Take that time to deep dive and listen to what’s happening inside of your head and your heart. Or your guts, if you prefer. You’ll discover that all the answers that you need are within you already.

Be careful what you wish for

Changes in life are constant and I am always been someone who adapts pretty fast and well (most of the times) to them: moving abroad to different countries where I’ve never ever been before, changing jobs, changing flats, changing lifestyle, changing life priorities… you name it.

I see changes as source of growth, as a way to put yourself through something uncomfortable - because let’s face it, they’re never easy by definition - but bearable and at the end of the process, once you’re used to the new situation and all the facets it entails, I feel proud of the new me that has come out.

It’s empowering to see how you used your resources to overcome the hard times, how you even discovered new aspects of you that you didn’t know about, or how that good ol’ pattern drove you all the way there, once again.

Now, that being said, it all comes with a disclaimer: changes require a lot of energy, physical but mostly mental. You literally have to reshape your brain (it’s called structural plasticity and you can read more on this fascinating concept in this article) around new routines, new workflows, new communication style, even new languages sometimes. New cultures, new habits. And that is not immediate, requires time, but mostly it requires effort.

Hence, when you are actively looking for a change in your life, -meaning, it’s your decision and you are willing to do it - be aware of all that it brings with it. It would be good to have an honest conversation with yourself first and check the following:

• How am I doing lately? Happy, serene, enthusiastic, sad, bored, mad, anxious, scared, anything else?
• How much energetic do I feel in my everyday life? Now, this can be tricky: because you could be exhausted, but still running a full agenda of commitments like there’s no tomorrow. The question here is not about you agenda, is about “how dead are you at the end of your day, everyday?”
• Why am I looking into this change? Is it something that I can decide about or is this somehow imposed by external factors? (e.g. I need more money)
• Am I prepared to run a mental marathon? Can I count on an emotional support system? Do I know what to do to calm down, unwind and recharge to overcome the moments of distress?

In an ideal world, you are in control, or at least you know yourself well enough to confidently navigate through all of the above. We all know the ideal world does not exist tho.

So no matter what you’ll end up deciding, be prepared for the struggles, monitor yourself to make sure you don’t end up lost in the process without even noticing, and bear with yourself.

In the worst case scenario, you’ll end up learning something extremely valuable about yourself and you’re already setting yourself for a better outcome next time.

And lastly, one of my favorite quotes of all time:

“Pressure makes diamonds” George S. Patton Jr.

Temporary Turmoil

Life has been so different lately.

A change in rhythm, in routines. I’m taking a temporary break from work, moving from one world to another. Travelling and spending time with old friends and family.

I also had a lot of time to think about my life projection and at the same time questioning absolutely everything. Probably too much, looking for problems where there’s actually none. Or making them bigger out of specific, temporary situations.

But how much of your reality is made of habits, and how often do you really question if you’re on the right path? I think that every now and then, this kind of questioning is needed. Just to check-in with you again after a period of changes or even after busy times that did disconnect you from yourself. Nothing wrong with it.

Overthinking is never good, like nothing else in exaggerate proportions. Still, finding yourself in the middle of the most desired change in the last couple of years and having plenty of free time on your plate (and little activities to do) definitely tricked me into it.

It feels like I put myself through a random movie. It looked so credible and so real that I drifted away for a while. Digging myself a little deeper hole every day, confused but at the same time aware that my confusion was coming out of nothing drastic really. With no real arguments, no real talking points. Or not as big as I was painting them.

It’s so curious how the mind can fly high and low and how we respond to that. How we think we’re in control until we aren’t. How you can find yourself walking on a tiny chord suspended above the abyss, while just 2 days ago you were sleeping like a child.

I feel like I’m still not completely in the clear, but it feels so good to be back in my environment and to feel at home again, at least more than I’ve felt in the past period. Who knows where I’ll be a month from now, or 6, but right now I just want to enjoy this moment of peace, in absence of decision making, chilling and focusing on those activities that I enjoy doing the most.

It’s probably also time to think about this year and what I’ve learned through it. How this has shaped me and is influencing my choices as of today. For sure it has been a year of growth and liberation. If I think of myself exactly 1 year ago I can still feel that pain and that feeling of constant fight to force me into something I needed to flee so badly.

My biggest aim and wish to myself as of today is to continue flowing, in awareness, and in serenity.

You are the sum of your choices.

You can think a lot, promise the world, dream with your eyes wide open. You can even be sure of the things you’re saying in one specific moment. But words usually go with the wind.

Facts will stick with you. Your reaction to facts, to situations, to triggers. How do you respond when you’re given a chance at anything. What kind of person are you, that is defined by what you do, ultimately.

I’ve been carrying around a sense of guilt for a long time. Guilt of existing, guilt of eating or of being hungry, guilt of not making enough of my time or of situations. Guilt of wanting something different than what I was forcing myself into doing. Guilt of missing opportunities. It was never enough, never perfect, never OK. Never right. Until one day I got to understand myself and that feeling vanished, leaving a sense of empowerment and confidence.

It was such a liberation. And deep within, it’s like if I had done a silent promise to myself: no more guilt. I don’t want to ever be in that dark place again, with such a whole in my chest that the energy seems to be drowned by. With such a strong judgement against myself that I’m paralysed.

Stay true to yourself, listen to you and only you. Recognise your patterns and play ahead. It won’t always be easy, but deep within you already know who you are. And what you need to do to feel good.

Opening a new chapter

One day you catch a deep breath and it feels like you open your eyes again for the first time after so long.

You feel like yourself again, but somehow better and stronger than where you left it. You feel a new gaze projecting from your eyes, a new power in your walk and a new drive in everything you do.

You are also more present than ever, and consequently you feel more than ever. Both what you have and what you’re missing. You can feel life in every breath and in every step and in every heartbeat. You feel every second on your skin and you are finally able to taste that touch.

Such openness and alert also bring you a new awareness about you and who surrounds you. You let the grip go as you’re finally stronger to walk alone. But at the same time loosing that grip creates a space for new inputs where once it was only a thick wall. And that wall starts showing cracks and there you find the fear of a deeper change than what you expected.

Nothing is written yet, you are still free to create your own tomorrow. Either making the same choices again as once upon a time, confirming your will, or putting everything in discussion and taking another big leap. Into a new life you never even dreamed of.

Time will tell and who knows where you’ll be at in a year from now. But for once in my life, I’m not rushing to get there anymore. I’m ready to dive in as deep as I need in the present moment.

Toxic

The feeling of being out of balance is back. I feel weird physically, and emotionally I’m going down that angry path again.

The frustration is growing, raising to the ceilings. Everything around me is triggering and I find no relief. People talking too loud, pulling an attitude, faking smiles. A busy bus at 7:45 in the morning, people stepping on my feet, people grabbing someone else’s arm with such entitlement.

Loosing the cool, especially in a professional environment is a great mistake and I’m well aware of it. I’ve seen it many times and I’ve always cringed about it, even when I was not on the receiving end. And yet, now I’m at a place where I’m dreaming of making a big scene with all I’ve been put through. But still, I must hold it in and do my best to limit the damages that a poor, emotional decision could do to my future career.

Mental health and society

Things have been moving fast and lighter lately.

The end of summer always seems to put time in a rush: it’s less hot, time is not dilated anymore, everybody coming back from the holidays with such an energy rush. Ready for new commitments, new challenges, changes. Anything, really.

This year, the last 10 days of August have brought me a breakthrough that has probably changed my life (for the best): the release from the constant anxiety I struggled with for the last 15 years, making me feel miserable and unsafe for so much time, in too many occasions.

It’s been a long road, it’s not been easy and my therapist knows it. But it was all worth it. For the first time in years I start to feel like myself again. I have the energy to do things I like. I have the willpower to stick to the plans that I do and to delay gratification. I have the strength and the focus that I lacked for too much time, leading me to miss too many opportunities.

The importance of mental health is so underrated and yet, taking care of it can be so life-changing. But we live in a world that is sick for being productive, efficient, successful, rich, busy, thin, beautiful and flawless. And if your abs show, then it’s even better. Who dares to shout out that you’re tired, unhappy, a little lost and freaking scared? It’s like a social suicide. It brings shame and loneliness. And not because the rest is doing well, mostly it’s just that the rest is too scared to get along with you because you could also uncover their own black hole of fears. Force them to take a look at their inside, and recognize your pain in them. And they can’t bare it.

Yesterday I was scrolling social media and I saw a post from somebody working in the cruises business. She was explaining that working on a cruise implies staying onboard for about 10 months per year, no possibility to touch the land for the whole duration of the contract, working at least 10 hours a day, with no days off and/or complicated shifts that mess up with your 6 hours of sleep. The lifestyle that you have is also not ideal, eating what you find from the buffet and with no access to any training equipment. And if on top of that, if there’s no good environment with your team, things can get rough. This is hard to bear.

And yet, the first comment below the post was “oh, such a weak generation. Work is work, I’m sure you earn super well money and all you need to do is to fix your attitude. I’ve been working in the fields charging heavy stuff for years when I had to, and now here I am, doing better in another career”. It was basically a “suck it up and stop wailing.

When I read that comment, I’m ashamed to say that my first reaction was a partial endorsement. I am used to tell to myself "you can’t change what happens to you, but you can change your attitude towards it”. Which is probably what the comment wanted to refer to. I suppose? I was also hurt to read that comment, because I also empathized with the testimony of the cruise worker and I felt like I was being called weak too. Which is something that I called myself for a long time when I wasn’t feeling mentally great.

It took me a whole day to process this and come to a conclusion. And my conclusion is: yes, trying to change your attitude is great and it’s an amazing tool to help you deal with uncomfortable situations. But being able to do that does not give you the right to judge on other people’s feelings. There is not such thing as objective volume of “difficulty” and we all have different sensibility and tolerance to stressors. And it goes without saying that such levels are also dynamic and they change with what you’ve gone through in your life, your support system (if any), and even how lucky you’re been in anything that’s happened to you. I’m happy for anyone who’s able to change their attitude just like that, but they should also know that it’s not just their “merit” alone. It’s a positive outcome from a series of lucky coincidence they experienced. Put the same person in a fucked up context and you’ll have a completely different outcome.

So the bottom line I guess is, once more, be kind and respectful, you know nothing on someone else’s context. Tearing people down and making them feel bad about themselves is such a nonsense. All in all, it mostly has to do with being born in the right part of the world, in a stable family, in a safe environment.

Lights

Find your own light, nurture it, embrace it. Protect it, share it. Grow it.

Be the light that shines on someone else’s dark day.

Let your light fill with energy your own day.

Never stop learning, being curious and hungry. Reject your comfort zone and evolve in somebody new every day.

Never doubt about your capabilities. Accept the challenge and fight it until the last beat.

You won’t win all the battles, but that light will take you to better places compared to where you’d end up without it. 

Recognize the light in people around you. Treasure it and surround yourself with bright lights, to make sure the sky at night is filled with shining stars.

You got this, it’s okay to go under for a little bit. Never doubt you will raise back, and you’ll heal faster and stronger every time.

Today

Stormy head. Cloudy thoughts.

Progress seems gone. Energy is low.

You just exist.

Bliss

The time without anxiety. With no anger and no sadness. With no worry for tomorrow, for what’s next.

No duties now, no chores, no thoughts. No responsibilities.

When time runs smoothly and silent. The mind is calm, quiet, white and soft like a cloud. Sweet. You go with the flow.

You feel like floating on the surface of still water. The breathe is slow, deep.

Take a deep breathe.

You learn something new every day. As long as you stop and observe rather than just rushing through life.

But most importantly, the ability to get to know YOU in every single aspect is the key to a lot of positive things. For example:

• Avoiding situations you’re not going to be comfortable in
• Knowing when it’s time to leave, even if in the beginning you were doing well in that situation/place/job/party/relationship
• Recognizing what’s really important to you from irrelevant stuff
• Emotional regulation
• Anticipating situations or circumstances and have a plan for it
• Find enjoyment and fulfillment from doing what you love (like, for real)
• Stop judging yourself and being so hard on you. It’s just not worth it. Self-kindness is non-negotiable on your quest for a serene life.

Let’s use an example: you’ve had an awful week, plenty of bad news. On top of it, you had extra expenses because, let’s say, it’s your brother-in-law birthday and the group decided to gift him a trip to Maldives in High Season. And of course you are in the group and cannot say no.

And maybe just before this shitstorm, you were planning to go and workout every day in the gym, because in 2 weeks you’re going to Ibiza and you feel like you’ve been eating too many Cheetos after dinner (guess what? you’re stressed and that’s how you cope with it). But no way your Cheetos belly can make its appearance on the Ibiza beach, so “yes! this is my week to burn this down”. 

And then the first bad news comes in. And then another one, and then the WhatsApp Group notifications and the Maldives. And the money.. “oh, man really?” you think. You even tried to speak up and make the group reconsider, but no, nobody listens. Long story short, you miss the gym a couple of times, or even 3 or 4. And it’s Friday already.

You look at yourself in the mirror and the Cheetos belly is staring back at you. So, at this point you have 2 main alternatives:

1. Go with the Cheetos, again. Because you failed, so nothing matters in life anymore. The Cheetos know you, they understand you. They are sweet and lovely. And then maybe you even get mad, and “fuck, no way, I’m an idiot, I failed”. And back to the Cheetos. And you’re trapped in this cycle.

2. You knew this would happen. You actually took a moment on Tuesday and said “hmm, this week started like shit. I’m sure I’ll be emotionally screwed by Thursday, because I know me and seeing what’s coming down, I will probably fail my goal to train this week. But guess what, that’s OK. Nobody’s perfect, this week I had a meltdown and it looks like there might be more on their way. So yes, I know that training helps me and heals me, but it’s not the only thing that works. It is OK to start healing by slowing down, before going back to the training schedule”. And guess what happens with option number 2: stress release. The pressure goes down, the room seems bigger, the light brighter. Your feel even prettier. Guess what, the world did not stop nor exploded because of you skipping the gym. And I can assure you that the day you’ll go back to the training you’ll have the biggest motivation boost. 

Also, choosing option 2 allows you to make a backup plan with a clear mind, rather than being lost in wild rage against yourself. You anticipated what would happen and where the circumstances will bring you, so you were prepared, but also you know that the shitstorm won’t last forever. And that’s the moment you have to keep your eyes on.

You may not achieve your goal and bring the Cheetos belly to Ibiza? True. It this the end of the world? Doesn’t look like it. Would the Cheetos belly disappear if you went with option 1? Absolutely not, it would actually get even bigger. And we all know it. So yes, this is just a version of “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.

Bottom line? Be kind with yourself. Be understanding, be fair. Recognize what you’re going through, its weight and consequences on you, emotionally. It’s OK to change plans to heal. And by doing so, you’re actually helping yourself recover faster and better and come back stronger. It’s okay to take some time and just be with yourself. Exit from the “performance mindset” and just be.

Lost. Uncomfortable. A restless mind that is forced into a meaningless direction. You are forced to follow a route somebody else chose for you. And if you complain or try to open up about it, you find no understanding from most of the people around you. 

You feel under observation, like a weird animal who suddenly appeared in everybody else’s lives. They probably believe they are so smart hiding their thoughts and judgements, while they stare at you and dissect every single movement (or absence of it) on your facial muscles. You have been on that side too, and remember well how it feels. The truth is that now you just need to release some of the pressure. To let that energy go. But the constraints become heavier every day. 

It’s like plunging in and out the same small pond every single day. And the pond slowly became a bathtub. And the water is every day darker and you need more and more space to swim, to move, to breathe. But no space is allowed. You don’t do well with tunnel vision and as your horizons get smaller, the weight in the chest becomes heavier and the feeling of loneliness becomes your biggest companion. 

And then.. Blesses to true friends. A simple unexpected message can lift the weight and take your mind far away from the pond in the blink of an eye. There’s more to the pond, and you won’t be stuck there forever. Just keep fighting your way away from it. 

Answers

The struggle of being lost in thoughts. Navigating sensations that you hate and that follow you all day long.

The relief that comes from putting those thoughts in order. The clarity. The weight lifted.

And you finally breathe again.

Priorities

Time goes by in the blink of an eye.

But it’s also the best teacher. What I learn over the years is that whenever I don’t put myself first and set the right priorities, I’ll be frustrated and angry.

This feelings also fiercely come out whenever something upsets me and I cannot speak up. And this repression of my own feelings becomes a real pressure cooker that ends up blowing up and destroying relationships, friendships and sometimes innocent objects on the way.

Don’t be afraid of putting yourself first, being bold about what you need and want and picking the best for you. Whether it is a job, a relationship or a vacation. Or just a pair of shoes or a meal at the restaurant. Time never runs backwards and if you waste it for decisions that don’t represent your true self, no matter how small the deviation is, it’s still unsettling and unfair to you. And being fair to you is all that matters, to build a healthy balance with yourself.

You know that time of life, when your friends of a lifetime and your classmates from 10-20 years ago are getting married, buying houses, having kids. Everybody around you is making huge steps and you are still not sure how did you turn 30, when did it happen and clearly something must be wrong with the timeline. 30+? Me? No way I’m getting old.

Because your biggest project is going partying to Ibiza and travel as much as you can. You’re actually getting to a point where you find yourself with all the weekends booked, and many activities to attend to during the week, and time goes by and you don’t even realize it. 

For sure we all have different priorities and different dreams for “when we grow up”. And no matter how different they are, they are so personal that it would be a mistake to try and force everyone down the same path. At the same pace. So just embrace your life pace, don’t compare yourself with anybody but YOU and appreciate how far you’ve come. I’m sure if you look back 10 years you’ll be surprised how many things have changed and how much you’ve learnt. 

And that’s what matters to me. Avoid standing still, keep on moving and developing and unlocking new phases in the time you’ve given on this planet. 

Choices

I left my home country for good by my choice. It was almost 7 years ago.

I moved with bright hopes and a feeling of power and freedom that I loved. I’ve always been proud of how independent I am, how I like to solve my problems on my own and rely on myself only. Which is easy to do when you are 25 and in perfect health.

Then COVID hit and made us all very human all of a sudden. You realise you won’t be young and strong forever, and that most importantly, the people around you won’t be there forever either.

So you start living with this “swing”: part of you very attached to your current life, proud of what you’ve built and planning to build more, and part of you questioning that decision of leaving the people you grew with behind. You feel that responsibility of being there with them when the time comes, just like they were there for you when you needed them.

Then you remember that line from some movie you watched many years ago, that “you are given a life so you can spread your wings and fly away. And live”. So the bottom line is: I actually am in the right place and I took the right decision.

But still, after spending time together with them, maybe once every 4 months, when the time comes to say goodbye you find yourself back on that swing, and all of a sudden you feel in the wrong place and kind of broken. Afraid you did not make the most of that time you just spent together. Thinking if this will be the last time, the last visit. And wondering what the future holds.

And then, you change perspective and you realise this time together is just another good memory to cherish and source of strength and love. And you can finally heal that new little wound you just made to yourself and you go back to the daily battles of the life you’ve chosen for yourself.

The balance.

Today I had the craziest day: busy with so many out-of-routine things that drained my energy and, on top of that, a nice headache which now is preventing me from closing my day at the gym.

So sad. I was counting on today’s strength training to wash off the day with that feeling of accomplishment. I was really looking forward to it, and yet when the time came, my headache started making me feel dizzy and nauseous.

I have to say I tried. I took the painkiller and convinced me I was going to go. “I’ll lay down just a few minutes to recover and for the pill to kick in.” And a few minutes later, as soon as I sit, BOOM the dizziness is still there.

So I picture myself in the gym, with a barbell on my shoulder or pushing and pulling weights, and the nausea gets even worse. “Maybe I can’t do it today. This looks worse than I wanted to recognise” I think. And that’s when I realised “I might not go afterall. But it’s okay, I’ll be back on Sunday and kick asses like usual.”

And even if part of me it still holding the grip, refusing to let go on today’s training, I’m quietly accepting the decision and kind of settling into it. Ending the debate in my head between “if you end up going and training, you’ll actually feel better” and “there’s nothing wrong in resting and listening to your body for once.”

Accepting that I’m not going and if I actually did go, it would be a mistake.

Sometimes it’s hard to find the balance. And losing it or overdoing on the one hand, can end up messing with the other one. And you start spinning in circles like a twirl and are slowly dragged down. So stopping the spin with a pole in the wheel is GOOD. Even if it looks like that wheel is still moving and could go through a few more rounds. It prevents you from stronger fails or disappointments. Or worse damages. It allows you to press on “pause”.

And sometimes a little pause, is exactly what you needed. So just chill out and enjoy it.

And yet, you feel light and whole.

That pressure that was holding you down for so long has now been lifted.

You see things are finally moving around. You find yourself doing things you had given up. You feel more like you, a happier and healthier you. But most importantly, a calmer you. You’re in the moment, you are fine, just ok, really.

It feels good. It’s been so long.