I try to love others. but my heart yearns for you. and only you.

I’d give the world to hear your voice again.

you, my love, your beautiful soul is haunting me

Processing a new perspective to the end of half a decade of my life….

Candidly….

You know. I think. My ex, Changed her name, and changed her whole life. She had another family, and exited the one with me. I was coming out of a dark spiral and I guess she had enough and exited. Which sent me through another spiral cuz instead of just leaving like … smart. She used me to catapult herself into something better and probably isn’t even losing sleep. She probably doesn’t spare a thought. She just lied to me. Idk. I dont understand. Maybe she didnt like the life I had, she didnt like how I squandered everything. But she still lied. On exit. About me about everything to everyone else. And if she moved on then I need to also. And I can say I’ve been trying but that would be half a lie. Cuz I haven’t let her go yet. I wanted kids with her but she lied to me. Now I cant. I dunno why she changed the narrative and suggested ideas to me. I made the wrong choices all around. Idk. She wanted to make a whole new life. And its time I did too. I wish she didnt tank mine to do it though. I think she really isn’t a lesbian though. …. but it doesn’t matter.

My future matters now and what im gonna do with what freedom I’ve been granted.

I will be moving out of state.

In a month or two

Just working out those kinks

I guess she left the way she felt she needed to. I begged for solutions and her way was exit. Erase. Discard. But. On my end? I could have been better too. And I wasn’t. I presented instability. I made the wrong choices. Im not immune to consequences. The fault is not all hers. How I handled things was wrong. I would not have made the necessary changes if she did not make the necessary exit. I could not have been better in the life I had

Maybe she saw that first. Maybe she is not heartless. She just made a sacrifice I wouldn’t have. Was it nice? No. It was cruel. But it was self preserving to her.

And now maybe its my turn to live for myself.

I know in the grief I’ve been extremely selfish. For awhile yes. It was selfishness masked as extreme empathy. Maybe I was not… cognizant of others. For certain. No maybe im not a narcissist but I couldn’t stop the patterns taking me into a covert narcissist…

Maybe some part of me does feel empathy but I don’t know how to …use it right. And I dont think I ever did. I am part of every problem in my life. Because it is my life, and my life is based on my choices. And people in my life are affected by those choices … in their lives. We are each our main characters, and we can choose to be supporting characters or antagonists in the lives of others. And I think I was no longer supportive. I was caught up in my pain…and I no longer could see beyond my own exhaustion. Life became too much before she left. And she couldn’t fix it so she left. And that was wise. ….

I dunno…

I needed to step way back to see … this.

I wish I could say things differently. No one is fully a villain in this life. Villains dont exist. On some level we are all victims of circumstances….

And ….

I was hurt but I was also wrong.

My choices pushed everyone away. I couldn’t love or accept myself and depended on my value to be defined by that from everyone else…and that is vampiric of me

…

Ive been drowning then for years…

And even if she wasn’t forever she wasn’t all bad… maybe she too was caught up in her own issues…

But I modeled her.

Monkey see monkey do.

I can only be me and I make that choice every day.

Ive traded empathy for apathy for now while I recover. I care but I cannot care beyond the surface for anyone. I am cleaning up my life….

The storm within myself…left debris… inside my mind and heart

And even if I’ve been hurt…its my responsibility to heal myself.

And that’s the reality

It’s not getting any easier, I constantly wonder how you’re doing.

“distance is not cruelty, it is self respect”

If I can be selfish for a moment I want my husband and the life we had together back. I know that he probably never existed and I know that she’s here to stay, but god I wish I could have stayed with her. If I could change my sexuality for her I’d go back to her in a heartbeat but I can’t anymore than she can repress who she is. And it fucking sucks. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, she just found her way and I so desperately want to be right there with her the way I always had been but it’s just not possible and there’s no going back and I wish I could be over it but we were together for seven years and separated for only one so of course I’m not over it, and I don’t know how to function without him either. I’m jealous of her new girlfriend and I don’t want her around, but I want her to be happy and find love again and be taken care of and not be lonely and she does seem like a good person, but it should have been us. I miss him so much and watching her grow is so bittersweet. I wanna go home but that place hasn’t been home for a year now and it’s all because he’s gone.

damn, he blocked me on everything after getting my hopes up again

We all end up doing something

At some point, tipped with regret

Yet you want to hold onto us

If only for another heartbeat

Our paths diverging on the potholed road

You take this exit and I’ll catch the next

With cracked headlights

Just breaking this morning’s mist

As you hold me close—

On bedsheets never so cold

As now, heaving at what’s unexpressed—

My seeming lack of lament

My half of the bed, tearless and dry

Each having laid out our vision of future plans

But I remember with rearview clarity

That’s where the underlying fissures began

sometimes i miss you and then i remember in the middle of me sobbing my heart out to you you said to me, “do you just like to hear yourself talk”

POV i’m withering away and the love of my life is acting like i don’t exist

you left home on a friday

by the next night you were in another’s arms

did 5 years mean nothing to you?

does behaving this way make you feel like you belong?

i’m not sorry for holding you accountable for your actions

you always made me feel like i was the one in the wrong

i can see how bad you had me fooled as soon as you were gone

hello to anyone who has time to read this. so i haven’t been very well. I’ve gone through a messy break up and I’ve been crying about it till now. and it’s been three months from the break up. i have suicidal thoughts. self harming ideations and insomnia and I’m trying so hard to get over it. i made this account for fun now i just want to talk about how i feel, see if anyone relates or cares. i just want someone to talk to, to notice. I’m crying as of right now I’m losing my grades. this sucks. it fucking sucks. sorry.

Uh well guess I’m back to stage one yay…

Heartbreak

When you first go through heartbreak, it feels like everything disappears.

All those moments that were once so joyful — laughing endlessly at silly jokes, going on dates and trips together, celebrating anniversaries, exchanging gifts, and feeling those sparkling emotions you never wanted to forget.

Thinking that all of it can suddenly vanish without a trace feels unbearably sad and lonely.

Right after a breakup, you can’t imagine loving someone else. And even if you did meet someone new, it feels impossible to build that kind of deep bond again from the beginning.

Even if you wanted to get back together, forcing it wouldn’t mean anything if your ex has already lost those feelings.

So you tell yourself that if you can’t go back, at least you want to wish them happiness instead of hating them.

You think things like:

“I’ll keep wishing for his happiness and health, even if I end up alone for the rest of my life.After all, he gave me so many wonderful memories.Because of him, I was able to experience real love.I’m grateful.I truly hope his life will be happy.”

Even though deep down, you’re actually devastated and heartbroken.

You might genuinely think poetic things like that for a few years.

But after enough time passes…

Wait.

WHAT???

He dumped ME???

And I’m supposed to care about that mediocre guy’s happiness and health??

Yeah… no.

I really, truly don’t care anymore. Not even a little.

Instead, I wish for my own happiness and health.

That’s it.

Humans are surprisingly resilient.

Even if i could go back to the day we met I wouldn’t change a thing.

Because the pain of losing you was worth the honor it was to love you.

Crying less about him feels like a betrayal

Putting myself first starts today. Im nervous but also so excited for the future. I just hate to hurt her