who up breaking out their acne

Currently stressing at work as I can’t open discord properly but apparently something has happened on my server in relation to the vent post I made yesterday and I the server owner am in the dark about everything but one screenshot from an anonymous member and an ominous text from a friend

Wtf can I do, I need to get back to my shift in 3 minutes, I can’t get any proper reception on my phone

Apologies to anyone in my server for what might have happened

One of my mods/admins has said they’d deal with the mess but I can’t see what the mess is and can’t contact them to see what it is :(

When I tell yall classes and work be kicking my ass, I ain’t lyin holy shit

Context: I had a huge assignment due tonight that I just barely managed to finish (not my best work but I digress), I’m behind on some submissions for work that I need to catch up on, I’ve gotta meet with a club advisor to plan for one of the club’s biggest events of the semester, and I’ve gotta figure where I’m gonna live in the fall and prolly work two jobs just to pay for grad school

A lot be happenin and im lowkey losing my mind over it all

Also I’m tryna plan for getting top surgery in the next couple years 💪🥲

I probably won’t make a lot of posts in the next while, since I’ll be heading to school soon. But I’m tired and want to just try listing some of my stressors again.

My stomach gets cramped when I’m nervous, I think. I really need new glasses, because I’m still using a pair from 2019 or so. I’m worrying about College ending in April or May. I don’t know what I’ll do in life without school. I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled, but I’m nervous about that. I’m constantly congested and feel stuffed up with phlegm. I worry I don’t brush my teeth perfectly. I worry about needing to replace the floorboards in our living room. I worry about breaking our old recliner. I worry about never reading physical books again without High School.

I have so many stressors. I’m also exhausted, though. So I can’t be relied upon to write any more. I leave for College soon, but I’m already exhausted. So I’m giving up on this post now.

why am I low-key stressing about olympic figure skating now. What has this blond little Virginian done to me.

“you only talk to your boyfriend.” Yeah cause when I talk to anyone else you guys end up crazy. Fuck off my phone witj that bullshit.

Argh

Revamping my masterlist and it’s stressing me out.

can pay day hurry up, I have concert tickets and football tickets I NEED to get

People who like indepdence probably don’t fear aging. But I’m not one of those people. I’m fiercely independent in my thoughts and my mind. But in terms of physicality, I do rely on others. I don’t have any physical disabilities, so I could probably be doing more stuff. But ever since I was a child, I haven’t done anything. I know some people would blame my parents for that, but I don’t want to hear anyone blame them for anything ever. True, I grew up with two parents who never worked and who did a lot of stuff for me.

I suppose you could argue I should have done more stuff on my own as a kid. I never learned to pour my own water, to run my own baths and showers, to do anything too physically laborious. But to be fair, I was a kid who would legitimately raise hell over anything. So I think my parents were too stressed with other things to always remember to make me work on things. I didn’t learn to fully go bathroom by myself until I was…I want to say 7 or 8? And I didn’t start sleeping on my own until I was 10 or 11. It feels like I didn’t start until just five years ago, but that’s definitely not true. It just feels true, because time is crazy and meaningless and yet too meaningful.

Anyways, I never learned indepdence because I refused to learn and my parents never pushed it very often. But I refuse to judge them for that. I still feel like my childhood was probably better than some people’s. True, I didn’t really have any friends besides my parents. But I did have my parents, both of whom I loved a lot. And who I still love. And yet I’m still very dependent now. I’m gonna be 21 next month, and I still don’t even get my own water. I don’t cook or clean. I don’t even run my own baths or showers. I just rely on my dad and try to focus on keeping myself stable. It’s hard enough to keep myself calm some days, I’m still glad I don’t actually have to do much more.

But I also feel acutely aware that I’m lagging in independence. I can see that everywhere, in fiction and in real life and everywhere in between. As I’ve aged, it’s stayed something I remain insecure about sharing with other people. Because who isn’t going to judge someone who still doesn’t clean and cook and make their bed and make their own baths? Who isn’t just going to consider that person lazy? I feel like it’s an accusation I would have no rebuttal for, because it absolutely is true. I could have been doing more years ago, but I’ve been content with my lot in life. I didn’t want to change things and mess up my routine. But now I’m turning 21, and I’m still stuck in these patterns. And so I just feel like every year, the excuses grow worse and worse and I just end up looking worse for it.

I don’t really want to change my life routine. Getting more independent is likely only going to give me more stress in the long term, and I wish I could just stop thinking about it. But that’s not easy, considering how much I pass self judgement on myself over everything. It’s hard not to, because I know how the world probably expects me to be. I know that I can’t compare myself to others, but that’s hard when you never see representation of someone with my issues unless it’s usually to mock them and portray them as immature or childishly. But I’m not. I have plenty of intelligent thoughts. Just because I’m not as independent as some other people doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of kindness! It’s not nice to judge, although I am aware it’s easy to judge people. I do it myself all the time. I’m a hypocrite, I guess.

Anyways, I think trying to deal with this stigma is part of my problem when it comes to aging. This isn’t all of it, of course. I have more problems, too. Aging is not liberating for me. It is fearful for me, a reminder that I’m behind other people in some ways and that I’m getting older and older and my future prospects don’t feel very safe and comforting. That’s the next point I want to discuss in this note. That is if my stomach pains don’t break me down first, that is. Because they’re really beginning to aggravate me right now. But let’s see if I can’t stay on focus.

Aging reminds me that all this is coming up, because it’s been built up in my head. Each year in not more independent is actually kind of nice, but I can’t enjoy my ability to rely on others because I’m too busy feeling useless for it. And then I’m worked about that happens if my dad dies and I’m still dependent on him. Since my dad is the closest person I have after my mom’s death, that one thought is horrifying to remember. It’s awful. I don’t think about it often, because I try to actively suppress this fear. But it’s definitely there, and it does creep in often enough to be bothersome. I could avoid feeling the weight of my age as long as I was in High School.

High School legitimately has been like a safety net for me, because the idea of leaving it behind makes me feel like that’s the end of my stable period of life when it’s acceptable to be dependent on others and thoughtless towards money and aging and work and all of that. High School ending meant I had to think to think about this stuff, and thinking about this stuff is something that kills me. Well, it isn’t really killing me. But it sure does feel that way mentally. And that’s probably a big part of what’s stressing me out. Leaving High School released this massive flood tide of stress, and it’s nearly impossible to counter all of it. Because it’s powerful as an emotional thing, and it’s a very big fear.

I’ve kind of forgotten to tackle all my fears here. I never got around to discussing how money and the idea of needing to manage finances independently also gives me stress when I think about it, but I think I’ve done enough work for now. I already have close to 400 notes, and this note is already 1,000+ words. So I think it’s fine if I got myself off here and just choose to take a break. I feel like I probably deserve one after trying to write about something so intense and taxing here. I still don’t know if this is the cause of all my stomach pains, but it’s gotta contribute to at least some percentage of it all.

The only bigger problem I suppose I have: With how stressed I’ve been over the past nine months, I feel like it’s gonna be really hard to fix my stomach problems. I have to try and fix them, because I can’t live with this pain forever. It’s legitimately awful to deal with. But to fix something that’s been here for nine months sounds like something that’s legitimately going to be very arduous to deal with. I already struggle with maintaining calm, and I’m pretty sure maintaining calm is what I have to do to deal with this. But I guess I’ll have to figure it out. I have to.

I’m stressed out because I’m not stressing enough about stuff

Im failing school (not rlly but it’s the worst I’ve ever been) does anyone have tips I genuinely been learning so hard all week and still got the worst grade. help pls I’m crying

HMMMMMMhaaaa hunmmm im stressing wait

Something by noah kahan probably maybe maine rn ou orange juice ou THE OTHER ONE THAT I NEVER REMEMBER THE NAME bit then again OH NO ITS PRIBABLY THE FAVORS yes okay so by the favors you have the hudson maybe idk

So stressed out about scholarships because of my parents, only to find out that there was a note on the table from the college I’m going to with a scholarship for 4,000 a year.

Ugh… I WISH I KNEW THIS BEFORE SO I DIDN’T STRESS OUT THAT BADLY

Fighting the urge to end all my comments and posts with “(sorry for my bad english)”

“Clothesline Quadrants pt 1”

Mixed media

Last week of school, and im so behind. Im gonna lock in and catch up as much as possible before the 18th. Wish me luck 😃🔫

so now i’m stuck loving someone who won’t even call me theirs.

me watching charles gain DRS on lando. why is he driving like we’re in monza rn?? BROTHER SLOW DOWN PLEASE I’M BEGGING😭😭

I’m kicking myself right now.

My final project for an engineering class suffers from a fatal design flaw: One of the most important screws in the whole project unscrews itself because it’s holding together two gears that turn in opposite directions.

How did I not anticipate this?