the way you treat me makes me so angry

many people on tumblr dot com are quite miserable and not very pleasant individuals at all i think

Feeling like a rooted strawberry. I was supposed to be all sweet but now I’m just disgusting. Uggghhehwh not feeling very happy today.

Idk what it says about the state of things but as a Hispanic (as in both sides of my family got colonized by Spain and I have two Spanish last names) and brown trans guy I genuinely have zero faith that anyone would even try to speak up for me or defend me if I got detained or harassed by ICE.

Sometimes I feel like even my own friends wouldn’t. And it makes me feel really fucking isolated and scared. I don’t feel safe anywhere and it feels like nobody has my back and it sucks.

I woke up in the middle of the night hallucinating and saw three Grim Reapers in my bedroom looming over me. I honestly thought I was about to get touched by death and leave my body.

I’m done with my brain.

please motherrrrr stop trying to control my life i am turning 22 in a month, i moved out 4 years ago get a grip, you do not have the right to know what im doing at all times fucking hell

ALT

2026 is shaping up to be the year my car was a little bitch :(

Yeah, the doxxer is a coward who fucked off as soon as I clocked who they are, because the idiot and their friends couldn’t keep their mouths shut, lmao.

It was scary, but now that I’ve gotten a handle on things, I’m calm.

Yeah, there’s a lot of morality policing on that side of the fandom, and it’s fucking annoying. They’re turning concepts into real-life issues when there’s no causation. It pisses me off that some can’t separate fact from fiction. I understand that the real world has a lot of bad shit going on, but fandom is supposed to be an escape from that, and I honestly don’t understand how they couldn’t just mute or block the words.

They actively sought out an omegaverse space and then crashed out because it didn’t match the fictional ideal that they had in their mind. After everything that happened, I honestly don’t care to listen to them anymore. I know what I believe- I know what I write- I know the real-life issues that I actively fight for. Them calling me transphobic doesn’t make me transphobic, and I just needed to understand that.

Honestly, them doxing me just made me realize they don’t actually want to have a conversation or understand things- they just want to be right, and they punish others who don’t see things the same way they do. I had to apologize for something I didn’t even do, but the person who doxed me has 10,000 followers and is posting art like fucking nothing happened.

If they weren’t trans, I would be pressing charges, but given the danger that would put them in, I’ve held myself back. I hate having to be the bigger person in this case, but I’m so tired of holding guilt on my shoulders.

there will be a lot of personal venting below cut…

i just need to let it out i guess

it seems to me. that as a kid i have litterally soft locked some life features. maybe even hardlocked. dunno. i feel so maladjusted to life… i dont know how others complete tasks. how they just do things. how is it that i’m unable to feel love??? i want to. i crave it. i just… never did. never had a crush. never felt it in a way that other describe it. how is it that everyone around me my closest friends like… they throw a stone over their shoulder and hit some cool person and fall in love/date get closer together. how. i meet many cool people. i try to do the same as they do. but i cant find this feeling. i wondered if its being aro. but would i crave it? would i thirst so much for this feeling that i dont even know???? nor others find me. its not helping. i’ve been feeling so much better with my looks. i like the way i look for the most part. i try try try and try again. and i feel like i’m just a weird npc you just… pass by maybe interacting for convenience if needed. but thats it???? man. i’ve been feeling this for quite some time now. its hard masking this great sorrow when hanging out with friends. its liek. my heart is so heavy i litterally have troubles breathing sometimes. and its painful. because i see EVERYONE around me being happy and finding partners as if its easy. i’m not saying they’re the soulmates. they have hits and misses and all that shmuck. but they just work it. and here i am still completly alone. hoping for someone to find me. hoping for myself to find someone.

i feel like i might have missed like… some skill tree unlocking quest early in life. and now i cant access it??? that prominent feature that comes so easy to everyone around me. but not me. how is it so hard for me???? and not only dating. how are others doing so much through their day. i know i have a depression. i’ve known for almost a decade. i took meds. its much better. i talked with psychiatrists and they say i have very good self adjusting and i will pull myself up??? but… i wonder every day. what i could do. if i could just… do things. that i want to do i really want to. btu. i just cant???? i want to draw. i cant. i have to draw for university. and still i cant. i sometimes can create while severly sick or in pain. and i cant create otherwise. i hate it. its the only quality i have. and i’m terrible at it. ive regressed so much. while every friend and artist i walk by they just improve so much. they create things they love they want they feel. and i …. i cant. thats why i havent posted any art in a while. i’ve been burned out since dunno… the pandemic? it might be the case of the pandemic trauma blah blah but how others just do it. why a, i the weak link. i want to create. i want to draw. but when i finally pick up my pencil . i’m completly empty. i cant litterally draw even a line. i want to cry about it. but whats the use if theres noone who would soothe me. if i start crying i’ll just dehydrate. i’ll be a nuisance to my neighbours. and i’ll have my mood ruined even more. and that empty feeling after crying is even worse. i dont want it. i want a hug. but i know if i hug someone truelly i’ll break. and the gates of hell will be loose and flood everything. and i dont think those around me would walk throguh these waters to reach me. they seem to be straying away from me… or maybe its me drifting away from others again?

but again. i cant tell… bc i’m terrible at understanding relationships with others. i cant tell for sire if the other person considers me their true friend. even if its what i want to belive. even if i were to jump into fire for them. bc i do feel like that towards my friends. that was always the case for me. and boi have i been burned badly by that. when it turned out i was just …convenient to have arounf for time being. and then to be tossed aside when they find new partner. and they dont need a tall awkward weirdo with no real societal value. with no skills no money no strengths. my best aualities ended in high school when i was mildly clever. and i was - again- convenient to have around. to share notes. to help with assignments and to use and then throw away like used condom.

i feel greatly. and i feel happiness for my friends but every time they find new partners and i’m being so easly ignored. so lightly discarded. it hurts. especially since my bday is comming up soon. and… i feel like it will be once more. a bad day. why do i have to keep explaining to people why i fear my bday. its always been like it. i was always the second choice. i was always the odd one. the 5th weel. the one that will stand guard by the door while you and your partner make out. but never reciving the support back.

all of that. it just makes me unable to picture any of my future. i dont have a big dream. i never had. i just wanted to live happily. but its like… everyone is walking through the river never wetting their tights while i have trouvbles to keep my nose above water. why is my path so deep. why cant i feel the ground with my feet. and why cant i find any hand outstretched to me while i try to grasp at anything.

i send dozens of job applications regurally and havent heard from any of these for 3 YEARS. i cant find any job. why my friend walked into a shop and asked a clerk and got the job when there was no vacancy even. and i cant find one even if they look for workers. i’m not even second choice here. i’m not existing in this space at all seems like.

i’m sorry. i need to scream it out today. i’m going on a week trip with some colleagues and i dont want to be seen sobbing or sulking. hopefully this venting will help with it =u=

I’m sorry you all have to see me like this

Ripping apart at the seams and doing such a good job of hiding it too!

Do you ever see your friends interacting with other friends more and less with you and get a feeling that it’s all going to slip away eventually and you’ll be alone because you wanted to help

I hate endometriosis so much because I literally can’t do anything but hurt and cry for the next few days, I feel so sick and disoriented all the time and I know that I deserve it honestly but I’ve barely done anything all day aside from washing some dishes/clothes. what is even the point. I’m literally useless like this. and my body is just. wrong. everything is wrong and disgusting.

I’m sorry, this is so stupid. I hate being so negative, I hate it. I need my knife I think, if I’m already dizzy I’m sure that losing a few more drops of blood won’t do much more harm.

hghfhhh I’m sorryyy I’m actually the worst child to have. ever. I feel sick. stupid useless good for nothing girl.

I need to sort food . I need to wash my hair . I need to get a bath among a few other very debilitating tasks and I’m so low in energy . HATE IT HATE IT

Everythings so expensive idk how to live

i think its normal and nice to be excited and enjoying when the guy you like is finally running in front again. its another completely different thing to insult other peoples intelligence for not liking this shitshow lol

-gripping shaking screaming- the rich are fucking around but when are they going to find out when are they going to find out WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO FIND OUT

(38) 15/3/26

i did it. i met up with both of my friends and i expressed my feelings concisely and only a tiny bit of crying. i set my boundries and my friends accepted and respected them.

they had explained that their lives were very busy in last 4 months and they just had no time to reconnect with me. i told them that didn’t sit right with me and i felt replaced. they are still hanging out with my ex and their new partner and i just couldn’t hang out with them knowing that, and they understood me. they respected me, and told me if i ever wanted to reach out again, when things settle down, they would be there for me. it makes me feel a little happy that there is a possibility of rekindling our friendship. i don’t dislike them, i just dislike the situation i got us all into.

they also told me that they weren’t the ones who took my ex’s new profile picture with their new partner. i guess that emotional outburst i had a couple of weeks ago was really just overthinking. but they had been in contact with my ex and the group of people who used to hang out with, so i guess, i was kind of right in thinking i’d get replaced somehow. i am just happy i can close this chapter and that i don’t have to think it anymore.

on my way home i officially deleted me and my ex’s 4 year old chat history and all mutual groupchats. i have no way of checking their socials anymore. i also deleted all our playlists from a music app we use. i want all these shared digital traces to stop tempting me.

i feel better talking my feelings out. i don’t feel like i’ve done much in these past 3 months but i have nothing to do but to try and try an try. when i came home my boyfriend appeared with a glass of cold water. i told him i was thirsty and he went ahead and put some water in the fridge to make it cold and nice for me. i want to give him my everything.

another little complaint

just woke up 30 minutes ago and tried to go back to sleep but no, my mother decides to wake up and start whining and moaning about everything under the sun and figures that she will start yelling about her boyfriend making money and how everyones an asshole.

mind you, she has literally destroyed my life with her bad decisions. I have to pay for this room. almost 90 a day because shes had us banned from anything cheaper. I pay and go to work then come back to them being pissed off and yelling and I never get a fucking break, im tired.

im so fucking tired of it, I can feel my mind and body failing slowly and theres nothing I can do about it necause I never get a reprieve from the stress.

I just want to relax and decompress when I get back to this room but I never get to because shes always here, freeloading off of my hard work doing nothing but cause stress and anxiety.

im going to start telling her to get a god damn job everyday until she gets one, she says that all her money would be garnished from all her debt but even a quick search on the laws reveals that up to 25% of earned wage can be garnished from all companies and sources of debt combined at any given time.

She just doesn’t want to work and instead be a raging cunt to everyone thats stuck around and call better people than her evil despite being worse than like 80% of people I meet.

I felt like my entire life I had to exert myself in order for love to be reciprocated. Finding out I didn’t need to do that made me break down in tears. I’m so tired of trying so hard to prove I deserve love. I deserve it because I exist? That’s it? I always relied on reasons. What the actual fuck-