i don’t know how people live with cptsd. I’m highjacked constantly by what I thought were memories but memories aren’t supposed to take over your brain and make you cry for 5 hours straight.
There’s a tag “cptsd recovery”
Wtf is recovery lol
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So about trauma: I’ve had a therapist friend speak with mild contempt about what some of his patients called “trauma.”
We don’t talk often. Partly because he says things like that. He’s fun to talk to, but has a firm grip on his apparent right to define what is right for others.
As someone with pretty heavy CPTSD, I was irritated. But I repressed it, because CPTSD. And hey, maybe I could explain. I always feel like explaining will help, though it usually doesn’t.
So I tried talking about how small interactions could have big impacts, or how a person could be erased by everyday demonstrations of their unimportance. Or how parents or partners could push their idea of truth in a way that erased the experience of the other. And how continued practice of such things could cause a cratered self-esteem and constant anxiety. CPTSD. Which he then said he most likely had.
I think it landed a little bit. Maybe not. It can be very hard to take in a new way of seeing things.
But I still think of his contempt for some of his patients. Which was most likely him applying the pointless judgement learned from his own traumatic upbringing.
This thing of gatekeeping trauma is just stupid, really. There’s enough to go around.
It seems more likely to me that we all have trauma to some degree. We aren’t, as a species, naturally wise or good. Though with luck and effort we might become that way.
But we mostly aren’t, and that means that our blind struggles toward life and connection are going to run over some people until we learn to look out for them.
And that can be a painful thing to learn, so some people never do.
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Blind to the Light at the End of the Tunnel - RecycIedTrash - Generator Rex [Archive of Our Own]
Ben transforms into Wildmutt not knowing how similar he looks to Noah’s EVO form.
Pairing: Rex Salazar/Ben Tennyson
Words: 4,856
Read on AO3 or under the cut.
[[MORE]]Ben should expect that, given both his and Rex’s roles in their universes, neither of them could relax for even a second. There’s always a threat somewhere that needs to be dealt with even if they scheduled this meet-up weeks in advance. But both EVOs and aliens wait for no one, which is how Ben finds himself assisting Rex in catching two nimble EVOs terrorizing a subway system. Rex ordered them to split up and track down each EVO individually and Ben obliged with Six and Bobo waiting on standby.
As soon as Ben runs down the stairs and into the tunnels, he realizes he had no idea where the EVO he was supposed to catch is. All he knows is that they’re fast and wily. Which sounds like the perfect alien for the task is Spider Monkey! Ben quickly activates the Omnitrex and selects Spider Monkey’s silhouette and slams his hand onto the face.
With a fresh set of eyes, Ben can see more easily in the dim lighting. He chitters before taking off in a direction that doesn’t have Rex’s boot-prints in the middle of the tracks. He runs in the middle of the tracks for a while before jumping up closer to the ceiling and swinging from steel beam to steel beam. The tunnel he follows is monotonous to the point Ben wonders if he went the wrong way. He’s completely engrossed in looking for anything different that he’s completely blindsided when a train roars towards him, headlights illuminating everything with harsh light. Ben yelps and narrowly avoids the train as he flattens himself to the ceiling watching the yellow lights from inside the cab flickering as it passes by the tunnel’s supporting beams. With the immediate danger of being shredded by a train avoided, Ben continues down this path until it splits into two different directions, being mindful this time of any rumbling of approaching trains.
Eyes darting around frantically for signs of movement, Ben can’t help a shriek of delight as he spots the EVO down the right tunnel. It’s vaguely humanoid but has three fingers, three toes, and a really narrow head shaped like a sickle. The EVO flinches from the sound of Spider Monkey’s screech echoing in the empty tunnels and darts away.
“Oh no you don’t!” Ben snaps as he pursues his target from the ceiling. With an overhead position, he can easily see the EVO skittering between supporting beams and shadows to hide itself. Ben quickly shoots a web between two beams in front of the EVO followed by three more, effectively caging the EVO inside what looks like a spooky wrestling ring. He hops down in with the EVO, raising one pair of arms to appear bigger. The EVO looks around frantically, realizing its current situation, before trying to claw apart the webs. Luckily for Ben and unluckily for the EVO, its claws are designed for scurrying and not for slicing so all it does is get tangled in Spider Monkey’s sticky web.
Ben quickly shoots one more web directly at the EVO and traps it against the web it’s currently stuck to. It struggles against the restraints but it’s not strong enough to rip free. Mission accomplished: one EVO captured! Ben picks up his bound prize and does his best to backtrack to the entrance of the subway before the watch times out. Thankfully, Spider Monkey can see traces of travel with his multiple eyes and he successfully finds where Six and Bobo are still waiting.
“One EVO, wrapped and delivered!” Ben announces as he drops said EVO in front of Six and Bobo like an offering. “How’s Rex doing with his?”
“Rex is still in pursuit of his EVO but he’s not in danger. He can handle himself,” Six reports.
“I don’t know whether to be offended or impressed by this alien o’ yours,” Bobo says. “Quite frankly, I’m thinking offended because there can only be one monkey in this circus and that job is already taken!” Ben laughs before pressing the Omnitrex symbol on his chest, reverting to human form.
“I’m not gonna fight you on that! I don’t want to end up with mystery mud in my shoes again,” Ben jokes, recalling the last time he offended Bobo. Six raises his hand to his earpiece and relays to Rex that Ben has captured one of the EVOs. If Six’s subtle expression change is any indication, Rex must have complained loudly in response. “Want me to go back down and get him?” Ben asks, pointing his thumb over his shoulder towards the subway entrance.
“We’ll keep an eye on this EVO so Rex can cure it when you bring him back,” Six answers. That’s a long way of saying yes. Ben nods and runs back down the stairs. He catches the tail end of Bobo complaining about teenagers and internally scoffs. Once Ben is on the station platform, he looks around and tries to recall where he saw Rex’s boot-prints while as Spider Monkey. Mentally patting himself on the back for finding them, Ben follows Rex’s trail. He then belatedly realizes he could have asked Six where Rex was but too late for that now.
Ben checks the Omnitrex and grins. Alright, let’s go XLR8! He pops up the dial and fiddles with it until he sees XLR8’s silhouette and slams his palm over it. The feeling of his vision disappearing and his body hunching over is not what he wanted. Thanks a lot, stupid watch! Ben growls to voice his displeasure at the Omnitrex giving him Wildmutt instead of XLR8. This works too, I guess. Ben sniffs next to Rex’s prints to get his scent. He lifts his head and takes a few breaths, sifting through the overlapping smells of previous foot traffic, the rats and roaches, and the general mustiness of being underground for Rex’s scent.
Finally locating it, Ben lowers his head and sprints in the direction he smelled Rex. He stays wary of approaching trains; straining his ears way farther than is strictly necessary. He isn’t in the mood to be flattened. Running down the track kicks up dust and dirt that Ben does his best to ignore in favor of focusing solely on tracking Rex’s metal and oil scent. The running is less monotonous than when he was Spider Monkey. Maybe it’s because Ben has already stumbled over the tracks a few times to the point he’s very aware of where he’s running now.
After what seems like ages, Rex’s scent gets stronger and stronger so Ben picks up the pace. Wildmutt’s paw-steps and panting echo down the tunnel and he idly hopes that Rex doesn’t think he’s an EVO and immediately smash his face into the ground. Ben’s already done that enough times in the past few minutes, thank you very much. Ben is rather shocked that Wildmutt can hear the nanites as Rex cures the EVO. Like, normally he can hear their chirping but now he can tell that the chirping is the tiny robots communicating to each other. Ben wonders if Rex can hear the nanites talking to each other like that.
Ben slows his run to simply plodding towards Rex with his chest puffed out so the Omnitrex symbol is clearly visible. Through Wildmutt’s spatial awareness, Ben can tell that Rex is slightly to his right with the cured EVO directly in front of him. Ben stops and waits for Rex to acknowledge his presence, tilting his head amicably. He senses Rex turn to face him, his nanites readying themselves to turn into something before immediately powering down as he freezes. Ben stiffens when he notices that Rex’s heart rate has skyrocketed and the scent of sweat is permeating through the air, Rex’s breathing coming out rapid and shallow. Ben reverts back to human form and runs up to Rex, completely ignoring the cured EVO still lying prone on the ground.
“Hey, it’s Ben! Sorry, I forgot you haven’t met Wildmutt yet,” Ben apologizes before realizing that Rex still has not moved. He has a haunted expression on his face but his eyes are unseeing as he continues to breathe way too fast. Ben’s eyes widen with the dawning realization of what’s happening. “Hey, Rex, Rex, can you hear me? It’s Ben! Can you take a deep breath for me?” Ben asks, not hiding the frantic energy in his voice. “C’mon Rex, breathe with me, okay?” Rex does not even blink. There is zero reaction to anything that Ben is saying.
What could it have been that triggered Rex? Was it Wildmutt? That has to be the answer, right? Everything was fine up until Rex saw Wildmutt. Okay, no Wildmutt transformations from now on. Sorry buddy, you’re benched because we can’t have Rex freaking out in the middle of a mission. Right, damage control. Ben takes a deep breath to slow his racing thoughts and gently puts his hands on Rex’s shoulders to try and ground him. If Rex reacts poorly and tries to slice him, it would be fair retribution. Ben stares deep into Rex’s unfocused eyes, trying to get through to him but nothing is working. Rex isn’t snapping out of it and he’s likely going to pass out from lack of oxygen if Ben doesn’t help him breathe soon.
Seeing as Rex didn’t even react to being touched, Ben takes his hands off of Rex to briefly turn on the Omnitrex in the hopes it gives him an alien that can get him, Rex, and the recently cured EVO back to the surface quickly. Once he hits the face of the watch, he feels his ribs constricting and his heartbeat turn into a frenetic drumming against his chest followed by the extension of his tailbone into a full-blown tail. Great, NOW the Omnitrex gives me XLR8. Ben casts his annoyance aside in favor of throwing the cured EVO over his shoulder and cradling Rex in his arms. He sprints back towards the entrance of the subway and deposits the cured EVO in front of Six and Bobo, surprising them in the process from him practically materializing in front of them. “Be right back!” is all Ben tells them before he speeds away to somewhere more secluded but still in the fresh air.
Now in a sunny clearing surrounded by trees, Ben sets Rex down on the grass and changes back. He hopes that the change in scenery will help snap Rex back to reality. But Rex is still unresponsive and his eyes are practically glazed over. Seeing as Rex didn’t register that Ben spoke to him earlier, he figures he’d try a more tactile approach. Ben gently takes Rex’s hand and brings it over his chest right over his heart. Ben then breathes exaggeratedly, hoping that Rex can feel him taking breaths. “C’mon Robot Kid, pull it together,” Ben mutters softly. He continues to take slow breaths, waiting for Rex to follow along. Inhale. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Exhale. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Repeat.
After what feels like eons of repeating his slow breathing, Rex blinks and inhales sharply. His eyes flicker rapidly to everything around him before snapping to Ben’s. He then looks down at where his hand is over Ben’s chest. Rex closes his eyes and follows along with Ben’s breathing. He then offers Ben a sheepish smile once his breathing is under control. Ben, seeing this, resumes his normal breathing pattern.
“Before you say anything, tell me five things you can see,” Ben says authoritatively. Rex blinks with confusion before what Ben is asking clicks in his brain. He looks around slowly, taking in his surroundings.
“The sun, the sky, trees, grass, and you,” Rex answers. He takes a deep breath before blinking hard. “You don’t need to ask me the rest of the questions. I can tell where I am now.” Ben frowns.
“Fine. You’re lucky that I don’t know enough trig off the top of my head to ask you a math problem,” Ben grouses. He really should memorize some random trigonometry problems in the event that Rex has a panic attack like this again seeing as Rex is more hesitant to complete the 5 questions one. Still, Rex is laughing at his efforts and seems pretty stable now so he’ll take that as a win.
“Think we can ignore everything that happened in the past hour?” Rex pleads, looking at Ben with his best puppy-dog eyes. Ben sighs loudly. He’s been put in a losing argument now. If he says ‘no’, he’s a hypocrite. If he says ‘yes’, he can’t help Rex.
“Dr. Holiday probably noticed and is gonna ask you about it,” Ben says instead. Rex pouts comically, realizing that his attempt to flee the conversation failed. He gives Rex five seconds to speak up. Rex stays silent. “What happened back there?” Ben asks. Rex winces and avoids Ben’s eyes. But he doesn’t pull his hand from where it’s still over Ben’s heart. Ben moves to takes Rex’s hand off of his chest and Rex jolts like he’s afraid of losing the contact, his eyes snapping back to Ben’s with a desperate energy to them. Ben slowly drops his gaze to their connected hands as he puts his other hand underneath Rex’s and holds his hand delicately in his lap like it’s a small bird. Rex relaxes once he understands that Ben isn’t removing their point of contact. Then he takes a deep breath.
“The alien you were before I freaked out…it reminded me of when Noah went EVO,” Rex says, not hiding the strain in his voice. Ben squeezes Rex’s hand softly, urging him to continue. “Technically, he went EVO because Van Kleiss forced nanites into him but still. I…I thought I was going to lose my best friend. My only normal friend.” Ben raises his eyes from where their hands are clasped and takes in Rex’s expression. He looks lost and tired. Ben knows he’s looked like that in the past. Too many times in the past. But this was Rex’s first time almost losing someone close to him. It always hurts the most the first time.
“I didn’t know you went through something like that,” Ben says lamely and mentally kicks himself for it. Rex shakes his head.
“It all happened in less than 2 hours,” Rex dismisses. He fumbles for his phone with his free hand and pulls up a news article with a photo of an eyeless, blond EVO. Ben winces.
“I can see the resemblance,” Ben admits. No wonder Rex reacted like that.
“Yeah, which is why I…y’know. I had to chase him down for what felt like forever but it was really only an hour. Then I chased him into the subway tunnels and I thought that I was too late in curing him but it turns out my bios were down from chasing him! Then I ran into Van Kleiss down there while my bios were down so I couldn’t even defend myself! Luckily Noah had enough brain left to attack Van Kleiss but I really thought I lost Noah for a second,” Rex tells frantically. Ben rubs Rex’s hand where it’s still encased by his own to ground him.
Ben feels guilt gnaw its way into his chest with how open Rex is being. All of his grievances are pouring out of him like a broken dam and all Ben had to do push him a little. Meanwhile, Ben couldn’t even give Rex anything to work with and shoved him away. Ben has built up so many walls that he isn’t even sure there’s water he’s supposed to be holding back. He supposes he owes Rex an explanation. But that can be later. Right now, Rex needs him.
“Yikes, no wonder you… Same type of place and similar monster. If it means anything, I decided not to turn into Wildmutt- uh- that alien around you anymore,” Ben states. Rex widens his eyes, like he’s surprised with Ben’s decision. “I don’t want to trigger you like that,” Ben assures resolutely. Rex smiles softly.
“I’m touched. But actually, can I see that alien now that we’re in the light?” Rex requests. Now it’s Ben’s turn to widen his eyes. “It’s so I can see that you’re different.” Ben regards Rex warily but Rex knows his own limits he supposes.
“I won’t be able to see your reaction so you’ll have to say if you’re uncomfortable. And I won’t be able to respond besides growls and snarls,” Ben warns. Rex pales a little.
“Oh, um, he’s a lot more similar to Noah’s EVO form than I thought. Noah couldn’t talk to me either,” Rex gulps, his voice trembling slightly. Ben pretends not to have heard it.
“We don’t have to do this,” Ben reminds him. Rex shakes his head.
“No, I need to face this head-on. I can’t freeze like that on a mission. EVOs take any opportunity they can without mercy,” Rex insists. He pulls his hand out from where Ben is holding it and stands up. He takes a deep, steadying breath. “Okay, I’m ready.” Ben nods and rises to his feet as well then pops up the dial on the Omnitrex.
“You’re absolutely sure you want to do this?” Ben asks one more time. Rex nods.
“100%,” Rex confirms. Ben hits the Omnitrex. His sight disappears and he can feel his bones and muscles stretching and expanding into Wildmutt’s. The wind blows his fur and spines once the transformation is complete and he takes a breath of air through his gills, glad for the nicer smells than in the subway. He turns his head towards where he can sense Rex standing in front of him. He can hear Rex steadying his breathing but he otherwise hasn’t moved. Rex’s heartbeat quickened but not to alarming rate. He must be examining Wildmutt. Ben continues to stand still and allow Rex time to acclimate to Wildmutt’s form. Rex takes a deep breath and Ben can ‘see’ Rex’s hand approaching his face. Ben doesn’t move or react once Rex’s hand comes in contact with the top of his head.
“You’re smaller than Noah,” is all Rex says as he pets Wildmutt’s short fur. Rex takes his hand back and circles slowly around Wildmutt. Ben does his best to track Rex via scent and through his spines alone since he doesn’t want Rex to feel like he’s being monitored. Rex stops next to his neck and appears to be watching Wildmutt scenting the air because the next thing Ben knows, Rex’s fingers are prodding his gill slits. Ben’s breathing immediately stutters at the intrusion and he clamps his gills shut with a weird snort. Rex falters and Ben feels him jolt back in surprise and a little fear.
“Did that hurt?” Rex asks hesitantly. Ben shakes his head ‘no’ and resumes breathing to show that nothing was damaged. Rex reaches out for Wildmutt’s gills again and runs his palm over the slits as Ben breathes. The scent of machine oil, metal, and Rex’s natural scent becomes overwhelming on that one side. It’s almost intoxicating but Ben would never say that out loud. Rex fully flattens Wildmutt’s gills together and Ben snurgles before shaking Rex’s hand off. He turns his head and grunts at Rex to show he doesn’t appreciate Rex basically pinching half of his nose shut.
“Okay, got it, I’ll stop touching there!” Rex concedes, putting his hands up in a placating gesture even though Ben can’t actually see him. Ben snorts at him again and scowls the best he can. Rex goes back to petting Wildmutt’s fur so Ben evens out his facial expression.
“Y’know, I think I’m getting used to you. You’re way tinier than Noah, that’s for sure,” Rex says. “And you’re able to understand me. Noah basically lost all of what made him Noah. He barely understood that I was trying to help him.” Rex sounds melancholy. Ben wonders idly if he’s had that thought before when trying to cure EVOs. How it must have hurt so much more to have his best friend lack the understanding that Rex was just trying to help. Oof, that sounds familiar in a way. Rex was only trying to help him during his nightmare episode and all Ben did was push him away and try and fight him. Hah. Ben bumps his head against Rex’s hand to show he’s listening, ignoring the guilt bubbling back up in his chest and centering himself back to the present.
“You can understand me, right?” Rex asks, poking his forehead. Ben makes the motion of rolling his eyes as though he had them. “Just making sure,” Rex chuckles. He stops petting Wildmutt and goes back to circling him. Ben, now feeling antsy from standing still and being stared at for so long, stretches his front paws out in front of him, fanning his toes and arching his back.
“Big stretch…” Rex whispers. Ben scoffs at him for the comment before shaking out his body. He hopes his offense at the comment shows clear enough on Wildmutt’s face. Judging by Rex’s chuckling, it did. Ben headbutts Rex lightly to make his point extra clear. Rex laughs and scratches under Wildmutt’s chin, taking care not to touch the sensory spines there. If Wildmutt had eyes, Ben is sure they would have rolled to the back of his head with how nice Rex’s scratching feels. But Ben keeps things under control and allows Rex to enjoy himself. Okay, maybe he does the approximation of a purr for Wildmutt’s species.
“Who’sagoodboy?” Rex croons. Ben perks up before coming to his senses and shaking his fur out with a huff. Rex snickers and Ben glares at him the best he can without eyes. Feeling impish, Ben nudges Rex’s side with his face before ducking his head between Rex’s legs and lifting up.
“Whoa, hey!” Rex yelps as Ben hoists him onto his back. He feels Rex’s fingers grip onto his fur for stability. Once Ben is sure that Rex won’t fall, he takes off in a sprint. He hears Rex whoop with elation once he realized that Ben was giving him a joyride. Oh how he wishes he could see how happy Rex sounds. Ben runs through the grass and trees, leaping over benches and bushes if only to hear Rex’s joyous laughter. He sounds younger and lighter, like he isn’t the key to saving all of humanity and is just a carefree teen.
“Go faster, Ben!” Rex urges. Ben laughs, a sort of low trilling sound that he feels deep in his ribs, and obliges. He feels Wildmutt’s claws tearing up the grass and dirt as he runs, pushing his muscles to move him faster. Rex takes both of his hands off of Ben’s back and cheers. Ben worries briefly that Rex might slide off but Rex’s legs are squeezing his ribs tighter than he was before so his fears are assuaged. Besides, if Rex falls off, he can just build the Sky Slyder or Rex Ride. Ben dodges around some random people taking a walk and chuffs at their startled screams at his appearance. He continues chuckling at Rex’s breathless ‘sorry!’ thrown towards the people they just scared. Rex’s fingers find their way back into Wildmutt’s fur so Ben slows down from a gallop to a canter. He’s not entirely sure where he’s running to but he’ll keep going if only to please Rex. To make it up to him for triggering him. To make it up to him for lashing out when all he wanted to do was help.
“Thanks for doing this,” Rex starts. Ben perks up and turns his head back towards Rex to show he’s listening. “Wait, look where you’re-! Never mind,” Rex aborts with a laugh. “Right, no eyes. Anyway, thank you for this. I don’t think I’ll freak out next time you turn into this alien,” Rex finishes, patting Wildmutt’s shoulder to emphasize the point. Ben offers Rex a smile before turning his head back forward.
There’s so much that Ben wants to say to Rex but being Wildmutt, he cannot speak.
Perhaps it’s for the best. Ben wouldn’t know what to say anyway. But that’s all an excuse, isn’t it. All he can do is be in the here and now with Rex and let him enjoy some freedom if only for a little while. He knows that he owes Rex an explanation, a heart-to-heart, about why his nightmares bleed into his waking hours. It’s only fair. Rex was so open about his fears it’s only right that Ben be open with his. It’s going to be hard though. But he needs to do this. For Rex.
Ben shakes himself from his rumination with the recollection that he kinda ditched Six and Bobo without much explanation. He opens Wildmutt’s gills to take in the scents around them and he concentrates hard on listening for either Six or Bobo. To be honest, mostly Bobo because he stinks like bananas. He is focusing so hard on locating where he left Six and Bobo that it takes Rex tugging on his fur and shouting his name to come back to the direct vicinity because OH MY GOD! Ben swerves hard to avoid the tree he was about to run straight into. Rex screams and digs his fingers in to the point Ben can feel Wildmutt’s skin being pulled away from the muscle. Ben cries out at how hard Rex pulled on Wildmutt’s fur and comes to an abrupt halt, earning another painful tug from Rex trying not to fly off.
“I’m sorry for hurting you but what happened back there?” Rex asks, smoothing out Wildmutt’s skin and fur. The Omnitrex beeps in warning before reverting Ben back to normal. And he promptly collapses under Rex’s weight. They fall in a pile on the ground in a tangle of limbs. Rex tries to scramble off of Ben but Rex ends up falling onto his butt in his haste. Ben groans from the soreness in his back where Rex pulled Wildmutt’s skin and the accidental squishing underneath Rex.
“I’ll admit, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going,” Ben laments, rubbing his back. He stands up stiffly and offers a hand to Rex, which he takes. Rex regards him dubiously.
“What were you paying attention to then? Don’t you have to pay attention since you can’t see?” Rex asks suspiciously. Ben rolls his shoulders before looking around.
“I was trying to find my way back to Six and Bobo. I kinda ran off without much of an explanation,” Ben says. Rex blinks. “And there’s the EVO I caught that needs to be cured.”
“Huh. Yeah, I should probably tell them I’m okay now so they don’t think you kidnapped me,” Rex replies before he sighs. He’s clearly mulling something over in his head. Probably deciding between his desire to stay here and his desire to cure the EVO. “They always find me eventually anyway so let’s just chill out here,” Rex finally settles on. Ben furrows his brow at the implication of ‘they always find me eventually’ but he looks around for a bench for them to sit on nonetheless. He gestures for Rex to follow him as he takes a seat once he spots one. Rex sits down next to him and wraps his arm around Ben’s shoulders. Ben leans against Rex.
“So, how are you feeling?” Ben asks awkwardly. “About Wildmutt?” he tacks on belatedly. Offering Rex a way out of a heavier conversation. Rex hums in thought.
“I think this helped a lot. I had a great time and I’d love to do it again sometime. Without almost running into a tree,” Rex teases. Ben huffs a laugh.
“I’ll pay closer attention next time,” Ben promises. He rests his head against Rex’s, appreciating the warmth the other gives off. They sit in silence after that simply basking in each other’s presence. Ben’s not sure how much time even passes; the Omnitrex doesn’t tell time. Judging by the fact the sun is dipping closer to the horizon he’d guess they’ve been sitting there for maybe a half hour to an hour.
Figuring enough time has passed Ben gathers his thoughts on how to let Rex know he’s ready to be more open about his deeper feelings. The ones he keeps locked away because he’s afraid of what others will see. He inhales with intention and feels Rex brace himself as if anticipating whatever Ben is about to say. With just that micro-movement, Ben gives up. He just exhales, leaving his message on the tip of his tongue and sinking back into his chest.
It’s not about him today. Don’t make Rex worry about him right now. Ben glances down at the Omnitrex. It’s been ready to go for a while now. He lifts his wrist up, a smile playing on his lips as he brandishes Wildmutt’s silhouette towards Rex.
“You ready to do this again?”
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Rex learns about Ben’s tendency to have nightmares and his unfortunate habit to fight back against his dreams.
Pairing: Rex Salazar/Ben Tennyson
Words: 7,129
Read on AO3 or under the cut.
[[MORE]]Rex opens his eyes to darkness and a weight in his arms. He’s not entirely sure why he’s awake given that the alarms aren’t blaring signaling an EVO attack. Looking around his room, it appears that nothing is amiss. Including the weight in his arms as he recalls that Ben stopped by his universe for a simple visit. His boyfriend is sleeping somewhere between on his side and on his stomach but most definitely on top of Rex. It had only taken one night way back when they first started sleeping in the same bed for Bobo to complain about Ben’s snoring and it took one more night to figure out that Rex’s bed was just hard enough that if Ben slept on his back he snored. So the sleeping arrangement was adjusted so Ben would sleep either on his side or on his stomach, which was fine by Rex because that would mean Ben would be sprawled out over his chest regardless.
Sensing that nothing was actually amiss, Rex decides that he’ll try and fall back asleep. That is, until he hears Ben stirring in his sleep. Rex freezes, worried that he somehow woke Ben up with his thinking but Ben’s eyes remain closed. Then Ben starts mumbling as his face becomes pinched and tense. His breaths become rapid and unsteady like he’s in the middle of running from danger so Rex shakes Ben to try and wake him up. Only it doesn’t work. If anything, it only seems to make things worse. Ben flails uncoordinatedly within the tight quarters of Rex’s cot, his arms now hitting mostly Rex and anything else around him. His mumbling turns into half shouts and cries that don’t sound like anything comprehensible to Rex but he can hear the desperation all the same.
“Ugh, great, now the kid’s got nightmares on top of the snoring,” Rex hears Bobo groan from across the room. “I’m outta here.” And with that, Bobo trudges out of the room with a blanket in tow most likely to the gym or a random lab room to sleep. Which leaves Rex alone with Ben now as the brunette is getting increasingly upset.
“Now I can’t ask Bobo what he meant,” Rex grouses as he blocks a flailing limb. “Ben, c’mon man wake up! I didn’t even know nightmares could make you move in your sleep like this!” Rex manages to pin Ben’s arms to his sides by hugging him only to get headbutted for his efforts. He blinks the stars from his vision and narrowly avoids a second impact by shifting his head slightly. He can taste blood in the back of his throat so he keeps his head tilted back to keep it from running out of his nose. Rex entwines his legs around Ben’s to keep him from kicking too since he got very close to getting kneed in the crotch. With Ben properly immobilized, Rex takes a deep breath and focuses on Ben’s babbling. He’s still not actually saying anything coherent but his voice is becoming more strained. Either Ben is closer to waking up or he’s falling deeper into his nightmare because Rex can actually pick out words in his noises.
“Nngh, nno! Let…go! L…let me ggo!” Ben struggles. Rex has him pinned from his elbows up so he’s not too worried about Ben hitting him but he hears some beeping accompanied by a green glow and he’s trying to turn on the Omnitrex in his sleep! Ben whacks his wrist against Rex and the bed a couple times like he’s trying to pop the dial up. Then he must figure out, still in his sleep that he can mess with the Omnitrex behind his back. Rex can see the glow from whatever hologram Ben has selected so Rex loosens his hold so he can snatch Ben’s left wrist away from him. Ben’s writhing and half-speaking returns with a vengeance as he tries to free his hand from Rex’s grip. He flails his left elbow the best he can and ends up knocking it into the wall a couple times before realizing he could push them over the edge of the bed.
They both tumble onto the floor in a heap with Ben momentarily stunned from getting the wind knocked out of his lungs and the fact he probably hit his ulnar nerve in his bid for escape. Either due to the delay in time between popping the dial and activation or the reset button was hit in their fall, the Omnitrex became inactive, the harsh glow from before retreating to its usual one. Rex takes the opportunity to pin Ben onto his back and straddle his hips then building his Smack Hands to immobilize Ben’s arms. He forces them straight on either side, keeping slightly more pressure over Ben’s left wrist so he couldn’t wriggle the Omnitrex. Now that it isn’t imminent that Ben transforms into an alien in his sleep, Rex can catch his breath.
Except, now Ben is suspiciously quiet and still beneath him. Rex strains his ears for even the sound of Ben breathing and that raises alarm bells in Rex’s head. Ben’s face is slightly distressed but is bordering on serene, which is a shocking contrast from earlier. Right as Rex leans forward to see if Ben’s chest is even moving, his green eyes shoot open and he’s immediately gasping for air like he broke the surface in a lake. Rex leans back in fright but he keeps his hold on Ben. His green eyes nearly glow in the dark but they’re hazy and unfocused. They keep trembling and darting around, not entirely seeing Rex over him. Rex reasons that they’re seeing whatever Ben was seeing in his dreams. Rex waits patiently for Ben to fully wake up and come to his senses but as the minutes tick on and Ben’s breathing is still heavy, Rex speaks up.
“Ben, it’s me, Rex,” he assures softly. Ben shakes his head imperceptibly. Rex can feel him straining to lift his arms underneath his Smack Hands. Then he tests out how free his legs are and Rex only has a millisecond of warning before Ben attempts to raise and twist his hips to throw him off. Lucky for Rex, he builds the Punk Busters so he’s now very stable. Ben isn’t going anywhere.
“Rex wouldn’t- he wouldn’t imprison me. You’re just wearing his face,” Ben hisses. And that sends Rex’s heart straight into the floor. He still thinks he’s dreaming, right? “You’ll never get the Omnitrex. If you want it so badly, you’ll have to kill me first!” Ben challenges.
“Wha- no! Ben, snap out of it! Seriously, I’m not going to hurt you!” Rex insists. Ben barks a laugh right in his face.
“Yeah right! Everyone that pins me like a bug plans on hurting me!” Ben counters, the white of his teeth flashing in the darkness. He’s putting on a brave face with his usual smolder but Rex can feel him trembling underneath him. Rex wasn’t sure he wanted to know that this is a reoccurring thing that happens to Ben. That makes this all the more depressing. He’s aware that Ben goes through some crazy stuff in his universe but to have multiple kidnappings and threats on his life all because of his alien watch to the point it haunts him in his dreams is…horrifying? Unsettling? Maybe having amnesia is a benefit because Rex doesn’t ever dream like that except for when he’s put under for nanite extractions. Rex furrows his brow and disassembles the Punk Busters, hoping that Ben doesn’t try and buck him off again. He wants to release him because it’s becoming clearer that Ben can’t distinguish that what’s happening now is different than every time before. And Rex doesn’t particularly want to add to the pattern.
“If I let you go, will you use the Omnitrex?” Rex asks. Ben snorts at him.
“Duh, of course I will,” Ben retorts with an eye roll.
“Then I can’t let you go, Ben. I don’t want you attacking me,” Rex sighs. They’re at a stalemate now and Ben is glaring up at him, still not quite seeing Rex. To be fair, the room is still dark. Rex mentally smacks himself in the head for this oversight. Maybe if I turn the lights on, Ben can see what’s going on? Rex takes a breath and disassembles his left Smack Hand. He leans forward and bends his elbow so his forearm is now what’s bracing Ben instead of his hand. With his hand free, he can communicate with the nanites in his room. Blue circuitry spreads from his hand accompanied by the usual chirping from the microscopic robots as Rex turns on the lights abruptly. Ben recoils at the sudden brightness in the room, turning his head and screwing his eyes shut. His right hand shifts under Rex’s like he wants to cover his face from the offensive lights. Rex waits patiently for Ben to adjust to the change in brightness and recognize him so they can address this or put this all behind them. After a minute or so, Ben slowly opens his eyes and glances at Rex from the corner of his eye. Then he turns his head so he can see Rex straight on.
“Great, now I can see you’re wearing my boyfriend’s face to get to me,” Ben snarls. “Don’t think this changes anything, whoever you are!” And, oh boy, Rex’s sinking feeling has gotten deeper than that trench he and Six met Serge in. He wants Ben to look to his left and see the Smack Hand pinning his arm because who else in their shared universe can do that? But then again, with the amount of tech in Ben’s universe, it might not make a difference. Rex is running out of ideas for getting Ben to recognize him.
“Ben, it really is Rex! What can I do to convince you I’m not someone wearing my face?” Rex asks, bordering on begging. “Do you need to, like, feel my face to prove it?” Ben scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“It might help convince me,” Ben agrees. Rex nods and leans back, freeing Ben’s right arm. Ben flexes his fingers and stretches his arm but Rex is still on guard. Turns out, that was the right call because Ben reels his arm back and tries to punch Rex right between the eyes. Rex catches his fist in his palm and deflects it before grabbing Ben’s wrist.
“Seriously, dude?” Rex yelps. Ben tries to yank his hand back but Rex is still stronger than Ben so he’s unsuccessful. Rex takes Ben’s hand and pulls it to his face so he can touch it but Ben hasn’t uncurled his fingers from when he tried to punch him. “I’m not gonna let you go but if you relax your hand, you can feel if I’m wearing a mask or whatever,” Rex instructs. Ben gives him a skeptical look but he does unclench his fist. Slowly, Rex brings Ben’s fingers to his face and lets him feel around his skin for whatever it is he thinks Rex is wearing. His blunt nails scratch against Rex’s chin, cheeks, and forehead as if feeling for an actual mask. Ben then has his whole palm over Rex’s eyes and he grips his cheekbones like he can pull this supposed mask from his face. Seeing as the only thing covering Rex’s face is skin, Ben’s eyes widen.
“If you’re really Rex, tell me something only Rex would know,” Ben challenges hesitantly. Something only I would know? How specific does he want me to be? Rex swallows the lump in his throat at the pressure of proving his innocence. The stakes never felt higher and Rex is sweating as the seconds tick by. He doesn’t want to take too long to think of something because that would be suspicious but he doesn’t want to say something too vague that Ben could discredit. Rex’s eyes widen and he smiles, deciding on his fact.
“The day we first met, I only asked that you trust me and you knew I was going to shoot you out of my Slam Cannon,” Rex settles on. The words slowly sink in and Ben’s eyes lose their defensive, sharp edge. Then his green eyes widen and he looks like he’s about to panic again until he just…sort of shuts down. Like after deciding that Rex wasn’t wearing a mask, the false bravado fell away and a different “mask” was put on. Ben takes a deep breath and goes limp underneath Rex. Seeing that Ben was no longer trying to fight him, Rex disassembles his remaining build and allows Ben his freedom. The brunette sits up and inspects the bruising that appears on his bare arms. Rex valiantly looks anywhere but Ben’s arms, opting to study his face instead. Ben, feeling eyes on him, looks up at Rex’s face and winces. Ah right, his nose.
“Geez, did I do that?” Ben asks lightly. “I’d say people would think I was abusive but we’ve both got bruises.” The joke is in poor taste but Rex thinks commenting on it now would only drive Ben away so he lets Ben continue his layers of façades. Even if his attempts at jokes fall flat.
“It’s okay,” Rex accepts. It’s not. “Though, I think we’re gonna have to stop sleeping together because I don’t particularly want a repeat of tonight,” Rex points out. Ben laughs but it sounds stilted, scripted even. Like the kinds of laughs he has for the cameras and reporters.
“I didn’t think I was that good a fighter in my sleep,” Ben jokes. Rex frowns but he knows what Ben’s doing. Rex does this all the time after all. He deflects to lighten the situation even if it’s not the right time or place. Because the world is full of horrors and you have to stay sane somehow. Rex quickly replaces his frown with a smile he knows doesn’t look real and chuckles at Ben’s expense.
“As if! It was like trying to wrangle Bobo if he was wearing a blindfold!” Rex retorts playfully. Ben’s positive farce only lasts so long before he curiously reaches out and gently touches the arch of Rex’s nose. Rex feels a dull ache there until Ben presses down and he hisses in pain. Guess when Ben headbutted me, it bruised. “I heal fast,” Rex assures, knowing that Ben was going to fret over him. Ben frowns and withdraws his hand, green eyes scanning Rex for more bruising. Seemingly not finding any or he’s just mentally categorizing them, Ben finally looks around and takes in his surroundings. Thankfully nothing got destroyed, which Rex pats himself on the back for. Ben takes a couple deep breaths before standing up. He offers a hand to Rex and pulls him up from the floor when Rex takes his hand.
“I should probably get out of your hair then,” Ben mumbles. Rex hasn’t let go of Ben’s hand from when he helped him up so he gives it a reassuring squeeze.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Rex asks tentatively. Ben doesn’t meet his gaze; he keeps it firmly affixed to where their hands are connected. He’s quiet for a couple minutes and when he finally speaks, Rex flinches despite how quietly Ben speaks.
“What’s there to talk about?” Ben mumbles angrily as he lets go of Rex’s hands. He gives a subtle shake of his head before he raises it to meet Rex’s eyes. He has that fake smile plastered on his face again. It makes Rex feel distant and walled off from Ben. It hurts that Ben won’t open up about himself to him. He should know that I am the person who would understand what he’s going through the most so why doesn’t he tell me anything? Rex balls up his fists and tries not to let his frustration show on his face but judging by Ben tensing up, he failed. “Why don’t we just go back to sleep?” Ben suggests a little too cheerfully, no doubt intentionally ignoring Rex’s irritation. “I’ll just sleep on the floor or something so I don’t punch you in the face again.” Rex simply watches Ben settle on the floor without a blanket and bunch up his jacket under his head as a makeshift pillow. Rex rolls his eyes because of course Ben chose to sleep on his back on the floor so he can pretend to snore. Rex may be an idiot sometimes but he likes to think he knows Ben’s tricks. Fine, let him pretend to sleep. Rex takes the blanket from his bed and drapes it over Ben before padding out of the room and shutting off the lights.
“Sleep tight, I’ll be right back,” Rex whispers into the room, knowing that Ben would hear him. Ben doesn’t respond but Rex knows he got the message loud and clear. He probably shouldn’t be leaving Ben alone but he has questions that he knows Holiday will answer. He didn’t check the time so he feels guilty for most likely waking her up but he needs information. Rex checks her office first to see if she decided to fall asleep while working and sighs with relief that she actually went to her sleeping quarters this time. Then the guilt crawls back in for interrupting her much needed sleep. Huh, two green-eyed brunettes in my life working too hard to ever get any sleep. He knocks on her door and waits, listening carefully for any movement behind the door.
“It’s Rex,” he announces. “It’s not an emergency, I just have a question.” He hears shuffling on the other side followed by silence until the door opens. Holiday’s hair is down and her pajamas are slightly askew. If younger Rex were standing here, he’d consider himself the luckiest man alive to be seeing Holiday like this. Considering he’s happily with Ben, and he’s been quite invested in Holiday and Six’s relationship, she’s simply a tired doctor standing in front of him. “Sorry to wake you Holiday but Ben had a nightmare and I’m not sure why he acted the way he did.” Her eyes flit to the middle of his face, where his bruised nose is.
“Did he hit you in his sleep?” Holiday asks, gently taking his face and inspecting the bruising. Her brows are furrowed and her lips pursed, like she wants to have a word with Ben after he wakes up. Holiday isn’t really his mom but right now, she really feels like one. Ready to defend him and get to the bottom of his hurts.
“Yeah, but I don’t blame him. He was having a nightmare and thought I wasn’t me,” Rex explains. “Which is what I wanted to ask about. Is it normal to try and fight someone while you’re asleep?” Holiday stills, averting her gaze as she mulls over the question.
“Yes, but it’s because the nervous system between the brain and the muscles fails to paralyze your body while you’re asleep. That means that whatever you’re doing in your dreams reflects in real life,” Holiday explains. “Is this what happened with Ben?” Rex nods. Holiday sighs and retracts her hand from Rex’s face and places it on her chin contemplatively. “It’s possible that Ben has REM sleep behavior disorder but he’s rather young to be having it,” Holiday mumbles to herself. Rex shifts and twiddles his fingers, which Holiday notices. “I take it you know more about why this might be happening?”
Rex debates whether or not to tell Holiday about what happened when Ben woke up but then figures there’s no use lying to her. Besides, she’ll be able to come to a conclusion on how to help Ben. “Even when he woke up, he was still acting like whatever he saw in his dreams was real. He thought I was an imposter trying to steal the Omnitrex from him. Probably because I was holding him down but I had to hold him down! He was trying to activate the Omnitrex in his sleep! It wasn’t until I convinced him I wasn’t trying to steal the Omnitrex that he stopped fighting me. I’m not even sure he was aware he was awake until then.” Holiday purses her lips and walks away from the door. She paces around in her room, chin in her hand while Rex hovers in the doorway. He doesn’t want to interrupt her thought process. After a couple moments, Holiday looks up.
“Then the REM sleep behavior disorder probably stems from tactile memories of being held down while his captors tried to steal the Omnitrex. His body probably has a hard time differentiating between an actual threat and a perceived threat, even in his dreams. You know, this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. Have you asked him about any of this?” Holiday extrapolates. Rex shakes his head. Holiday sighs. “You should sometime. Maybe he’ll open up about it and we can work on finding ways to prevent him from hurting you in his sleep again.”
“I already took away sleeping together privileges until we find a solution,” Rex chuckles, pointedly not commenting on the ‘maybe he’ll open up about it’. He knows Ben won’t open up about it. At least not tonight. He really wishes Ben would talk to him but what could he even say? Sorry you have nightmares so real that your body reacts to it like you’re awake?
“Good. I know you care about helping him but you shouldn’t get hit for it,” Holiday points out. Rex shrugs and looks at the floor.
“Yeah, well, I kinda bruised his arms too from holding him down,” Rex says sheepishly. “So we both have injuries from tonight.” Holiday sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.
“I have half a mind to zip Ben inside of a sleeping bag,” Holiday grumbles. Rex snickers at the mental image of Ben wiggling inside of an enclosed sleeping bag instead of trying to fight him in his sleep. It lessens the hurt of Ben pushing him away.
“Not a bad idea,” Rex agrees. “Thanks for everything, Holiday. I’ll let you get back to sleep.” Rex waves goodbye to Holiday and hears her shut her door with a click. He pads back to his room, hoping that Ben hasn’t moved from where he “fell asleep”. Unfortunately, Rex wouldn’t be so lucky. Rex nearly has a heart attack when he walks back to his room and sees Ben standing at his closet rummaging through everything. Rex tiptoes around to see if Ben’s eyes are open and they are in fact closed. Maybe I will zip Ben inside a sleeping bag so I don’t wake up and he’s just standing there. It then occurs to Rex that Ben is talking to himself under his breath. He strains to catch what Ben’s even saying, wondering if it’s even coherent words.
“I checked in there already, don’t worry,” Ben mumbles. Rex stands back and watches, wondering what will happen if he starts talking.
“Hey Ben, what’s going on?” Rex asks casually. Ben closes the closet door and turns to Rex, which is eerie. Then his eyes open. Rex smiles and waves as if he didn’t walk into his room with Ben standing at his closet while asleep. “You doing okay?” Ben blinks and looks around before his eyes drift to Rex’s.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” Ben replies belatedly. He forces a smile on his face. “Just looking if you have another blanket I could borrow!” That’s a lie. What shocks Rex more is the swiftness of the lie. Ben had only just woken up and he was already puzzling out how to explain why he was standing there. Not to mention, Ben’s usual tell of his left eye twitching didn’t even happen! There’s an ugly, twisting emotion in Rex’s chest that he can’t name but being constantly dismissed like this is making it worse. Rex frowns.
“Can you stop lying to me, Ben?” Rex demands, not even bothering to hide the annoyance in his tone. This makes Ben’s smile falter so Rex continues. “I just want to help you and you keep shutting me out! I thought that I was the one person who understood you and how it felt to be a hero. What changed in your head that I’m being treated like a civilian? Does Gwen even know you have nightmares this bad? Does Rook?” Rex rants. Ben’s smile has completely fallen from his face and is now replaced with a glower. His arms have crossed over his chest and he’s standing straighter, a posture of petulance.
“No, Rook doesn’t know and I want to keep it that way! And of course Gwen knows, she’s my cousin! We grew up together!” Ben’s eyes widen at his admission and Rex notices before Ben can school his expression back to what it was before. He clearly didn’t mean to let that slip, which means this problem has been happening for years. But Rex doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. He wants Ben to say it.
“There! You just tried to act like you didn’t say something important! You’re trying to avoid me again! Ben, c’mon! You hit me in the face, the least you can do is enlighten me on what’s going on with you!” Rex shouts. He knows he’s playing dirty by bringing up his bruised nose but he wants Ben to spill. Ben takes a deep breath and uncrosses his arms. Rex tries not to wilt once Ben’s eyes take on a dangerous edge to them. They hold a promise of the feral ferocity of a mountain lion with its back against a wall. Rex knows he should be calming Ben down instead of riling him up but his emotions are getting away from him. Holiday would chide him for it but those breathing exercises she suggested never worked for him in the first place.
They stay in this stalemate for what seems like ages; both of them in each other’s faces with clenched fists at their sides. Rex refusing to let Ben run away and Ben refusing to provide answers. The tension reaches a head when Ben reaches for the Omnitrex. Rex, seeing the movement, swiftly intercepts Ben’s left hand and pulls it away in an iron grip before Ben’s right hand can make contact with it. Ben cries out either in pain or frustration, Rex doesn’t bother to decipher it right now, before he tries to punch Rex in the face for the second time of the night. Rex blocks the attack easily and twists Ben’s left arm so it’s behind his back and kicks behind Ben’s knees forcing him flat on the ground. Rex sits himself on the back of Ben’s thighs so he can’t buck him off effectively pinning him to the floor. It’s quite similar to the hold he had on Ben earlier so Rex is having a sense of déjà vu. Except this time he doesn’t have Ben’s green eyes staring back up at him. Just the Omnitrex glowing its sickly green back up at him with an alien he doesn’t recognize on the dial.
“Rex, c’mon, get off me! This is entirely unnecessary!” Ben insists, doing his best to wriggle free from Rex’s hold. Rex uses his other hand to pin down Ben’s right hand above his head to still him. He doesn’t miss the strangled gasp underneath him. “Okay okay, seriously Rex, you can let me go!” Ben continues. Rex can hear his voice wobbling this time but he did an okay job at hiding it. Once he noticed the slight stammer in Ben’s voice, he realizes that Ben has stopped struggling and is now trembling instead. Like the last time Rex had him pinned.
“I’ll let you go if you tell me what’s going on, Ben,” Rex says evenly. Ben freezes, then tries to turn his head and look at Rex. He manages to train one green eye on Rex. And Rex almost feels the wind get knocked out of his lungs at how desperate Ben’s eye looks. It’s the familiar expression he sees in the eyes of children who have EVOs snapping at them with sharp fangs and too many teeth. The anger and frustration leave Rex feeling hollow. The comment Ben had made the first time Rex pinned him comes rushing to the front of his mind. ‘Everyone that pins me like a bug plans on hurting me, Ben had said. How could he be so stupid as to pin him again. Rex relaxes his hold on Ben, allowing the brunette to wiggle himself free if he wanted to. He doesn’t. He stays still and limp beneath Rex, his breathing strained like he’s trying to control it. Seeing as Ben wasn’t going to get up by himself, Rex stands up and gently picks Ben up to place him on his bed. Ben simply allows Rex to manipulate his position, his gaze glassy and distant. Rex leans Ben against the head of his bed, drapes the blanket over his legs, and arranges the pillows around him so he can sit upright. Then he waits for Ben to snap out of whatever it is that’s happening.
Rex eyes drift to the bruises on Ben’s arms where he held him down. Guilt settles in Rex’s chest at being the reason for those bruises. All of the adrenaline from trying to stop Ben from transforming has ebbed away. Rex sits with his knees to his chest trying to quell his tumultuous emotions. He needs to calm down because he clearly crossed a line he didn’t know was there and now Ben is catatonic in his bed. Rex wishes Holiday were here but it’s still late at night and he already woke her up once. He caused this; he needs to fix it. Rex focuses his attention to Ben whose breathing is no longer strained and controlled but rapid and panicky. Ben curls in on himself and fists his fingers into his hair, his eyes wide and haunted as his breathing turns into stuttering hiccups. Rex wracks his brain for what he could do to help Ben calm down and get some air. He sifts through what little of his memories he has of his life and finds one from the early days of being in Providence.
It was just after the incident with Dr. Fell when he had strapped Rex to a table to eliminate his nanites. Rex had woken up in his sterile, white room gasping and sobbing with no one to comfort him. He had longed for the soft touches and calming words from people he no longer remembered at the time but all he had was a fuzziness to his vision from lack of oxygen and an empty room. Eventually, Holiday rushed in because she saw him through the camera in his room and consoled him. She petted his head and told him to look at her and breathe like she did. It helped and Rex felt he was safe and taken care of.
She then asked him, “What are five things you can see?” Rex looked around and worried that there was too little in the room to see. He had answered the camera, the bed, the walls, the door, and Holiday.
“What are four things you can feel?” Rex wasn’t sure how to interpret that question so he told her how he felt emotionally. Holiday did her best not to laugh at his expense and clarified that she wanted to know what he physically felt. Rex had told her he could feel the blanket over his legs, how cold the room is, how sore he felt after the operation, and her hands in his hair. Holiday smiled and praised him but her brows were furrowed. Rex later realized it was because she felt bad about what happened with Dr. Fell.
“What are three things you can hear?” Rex had strained his ears and closed his eyes to listen more closely. Like the previous answers, there hadn’t been much to hear in the room. He answered with his heartbeat, Holiday’s breathing, and a caged EVO snarling. That one had surprised Holiday and she paused to listen for the EVO noises.
“What are two things you can smell?” That was an even harder question. Rex had detected the easy answer, her perfume, and he loathed to say the second, antiseptic. Holiday apologized for the antiseptic smell and promised him an actual room and not a cell meant to contain EVOs. Rex had been excited at the prospect of his own room but Holiday had said she had one more question for him.
“What is one thing you can taste?” Rex had wrinkled his nose at that one. He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out childishly. Holiday chuckled and took pity on him. She gave him a piece of unlabeled hard candy and he identified the flavor for her. Holiday had praised him for answering her questions and gave his head one last pat before withdrawing from him. Rex had felt cared for and comforted and knew he wouldn’t be spending long in the too white room.
Rex brings himself back to the present with a deep breath as he adjusts his position to be kneeling in front of Ben. He then gently takes Ben’s hands out of his hair and positions them so Ben has both of his hands around Rex’s. Ben clenches Rex’s hand hard like he’s holding on for his life. Rex squeezes back, though not as intensely, as he runs his hand through Ben’s hair like Holiday had done for him. Rex swallows the ball of guilt and nerves in his throat at seeing Ben like this but he steels himself. He has to be Ben’s anchor while he’s adrift at sea.
“I don’t know if you can hear me, Ben, but you need to breathe with me, okay?” Rex ushers softly. He exaggeratedly takes very slow, deep breaths and waits for Ben to mimic him. Ben’s eyes acknowledge Rex and with a subtle nod, he follows Rex’s example. The distant look in Ben’s eyes becomes more focused as Rex guides his breathing. It takes a few repetitions for Ben to regulate his breathing but Rex can tell once he does because Ben relaxes his vice grip on Rex’s hand. He takes a solitary breath outside of Rex’s example and slumps into the pillows. But he keeps his gaze on Rex. It’s calculating and wary like a stray cat that was just handed a bowl of food. There’s a veneer of trust between them at the moment. Rex hopes he doesn’t screw it up. He takes a breath.
“What are five things you can see?” Rex asks softly. He takes his hand off of Ben’s head to force the lights on in the room. Not abruptly but bright enough that Ben could see distinct shapes and not just shadows. He then resumes petting Ben’s hair in slow rhythmic strokes. Ben regards him, clearly not expecting the question but there is recognition in his eyes. They wander the room before settling back to Rex.
“Bobo’s hammock, your closet, your handball, the Omnitrex, and you,” Ben answers. Rex nods encouragingly.
“What are four things you can feel?” Rex asks, emboldened by Ben’s participation. Ben closes his eyes and Rex knows he’s trying to focus on what he can feel.
“Your hand in my hands, your other hand in my hair, the blankets, and the pillows,” Ben answers, opening his eyes. Rex offers Ben a slight smile and a nod.
“What are three things you can hear?”
“Your voice, your fingers in my hair, and my heartbeat,” Ben decides on. Rex finds it interesting that Ben’s answers are different from his despite the circumstances being similar. When he was a kid, he didn’t even think of answering Holiday’s voice.
“What are two things you can smell?” Ben inhales and grimaces slightly.
“Bananas…and sweat,” Ben settles on. Rex chuckles at the ‘bananas’ answer. It brings him back to when Ben accidentally wore his jacket and commented that it smelled like bananas.
“And what is one thing you can taste?” Rex finishes. Ben purses his lips, clearly struggling to come up with something. Rex may not have a piece of candy to make this question easier but he does have an idea. “Can I give you a hand with this one?” Ben quirks a brow but a genuine smile makes its way onto his face as he nods. Like he knows what Rex is about to do just like when they defeated Alpha together. Rex withdraws his hand from Ben’s hair and leans forward slowly, closing his eyes as his lips connect with Ben’s. Ben makes a soft little whine in the back of his throat as Rex deepens the kiss. Ben sighs into his mouth before chasing Rex’s when he pulls away. It feels like a conversation without words, all of the earlier animosity between the two melting away between their tongues. Rex breaks away first and opens his eyes. His breath gets caught in his throat at the sight of Ben. Half-lidded eyes, slightly parted lips, and flushed cheeks. Rex smiles proudly to himself that his kissing was good enough to leave Ben in such a daze. It doesn’t make up for the earlier situations where Ben was left in a very different daze but it’s a step forward he hopes. Ben wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and huffs a laugh. Rex smiles and asks again, “What is one thing you can taste?”
“You,” Ben answers easily. Rex gives Ben a more chaste kiss this time right on the top of his head then brings Ben’s hands up to his face where he leaves tiny kisses along Ben’s knuckles. He keeps his lips pressed against the back of one of Ben’s hands and closes his eyes, the glow from the Omnitrex bleeding past his eyelids. He takes a breath.
“I’m sorry for earlier. I was hurt and angry that you were pushing me away and I ended up hurting you instead. I made you feel unsafe with me. I shouldn’t have pinned you down, at least not the second time. You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to, I’ll support you either way,” Rex says evenly. He should remember by this point that sometimes he needs to put his own pride and emotions aside because what he thinks is best for their partnership might not be the best for the other party. Rex opens his eyes and leans away from Ben, pulling his hand from Ben’s grasp. But Ben surprises him. He keeps his grip on Rex’s hand. Rex stares at Ben, wondering what’s going on inside his head. Based on the determined look in his eyes, it’s something important. Rex waits. Ben’s hands are trembling around Rex’s and he takes a shaky breath before speaking.
“The reason that Gwen knows about this is because she was there when it started,” Ben begins. He swallows nervously so Rex brings his free hand over to their clasped hands and places it over them with a gentle squeeze. He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t nod his head to urge Ben to continue. He’s lucky to be getting answers right now. Ben takes a couple stuttering breaths and Rex exaggerates his slower breathing in case Ben needs to match his again. Ben takes notice and does actually follow along with Rex’s breathing until he is able to consciously breathe slower. He swallows again. Ben’s fingers twitch around Rex’s hand like he wants to fidget with something but he also doesn’t seem to want to let go of Rex either. Seeing as Ben is clearly struggling with this, Rex speaks up.
“You don’t have to say anything else,” Rex says gently. Ben nods.
“You can ask Gwen about it, I don’t mind,” Ben concedes. Deference. Rex finds that he’s okay with that. He’ll call Gwen later to ask but he’s a little afraid of what she might say if he tells her what happened. She’s beautiful but she’s terrifying sometimes. Same could be said for Ben actually.
“She won’t try and beat me up if I tell her about tonight, right?” Rex asks, hoping to lift the mood. Ben snorts before giggling to himself.
“Oh, she totally will,” Ben laughs. “Hope you know how to defend yourself against magic.” Rex groans exaggeratedly and runs a hand down his face.
“I’m so doomed,” Rex complains dramatically. Ben rolls his eyes and releases Rex’s hand so he can pat Rex on the shoulder reassuringly.
“I’ll bring you flowers at your funeral,” Ben says solemnly. Rex laughs heartily at the absurdity yet complete normalcy of their conversation. Then, he surprises himself with a yawn, which gets Ben laughing at him. “Third time’s the charm?” Ben asks. Rex rolls his eyes.
“I did say I was taking away sleeping together privileges but I have a couple ideas so maybe I’m taking back my decision,” Rex replies with a smirk. Ben raises a brow.
“Will I find out what these ideas are or will I be lucky and find out now?” Ben teases. Rex reclines against the pillows next to Ben since he looks too comfy to move them underneath the covers.
“Unfortunately, you’ll find out next time. For now, we’re gonna sleep sitting up this time. We’ll find out if you snore this way too,” Rex jokes as he closes his eyes. “Now sleep, I’m tired.” Ben chuckles and Rex feels him throw an arm over his chest and a leg over his before tucking his head under Rex’s chin. He can feel Ben’s breath on his bare skin and is overwhelmed by the sheer relief that Ben still wants to cuddle with him after everything.
“You don’t have to worry about that, Gwen is the one who snores if she’s sleeping while sitting,” Ben assures. Rex hums in response and tries to wrap one of his arms around Ben but it’s pinned underneath him. His arm falling asleep is a small price to pay for Ben’s comfort. It doesn’t take long for Rex to succumb to unconsciousness after the exhaustion of earlier catches up with him. He’s dreading his call with Gwen about Ben but for right now, he can live in blissful ignorance. He needs time to tell Ben what type of flowers he wants for his funeral if Gwen decides to murder him after all.
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can I stop learning new things about the abuse I suffered, he did enough to me I don’t need even more to be added
fuck
anyway I just learned about hygiene abuse and what that woman suffered is exactly something I went through so that’s fun
i literally just had flashbacks about it yesterday
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ALTme when i must converse with my parents (unmanaged adhd and autism) (gave me borderline) (sucks so bad) (everything is an argument)
Link
When the War Doesn’t End: The Illusion of the Switch Between Soldier and Civilian
When the War Doesn’t End: The Illusion of the Switch Between Soldier and Civilian A philosophical reflection on leadership, resilience, and the human condition.
By D. L. Dantes | November 8th, 2025
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i was clear with him from day one that i wanted to be publicly dating a woman. And that i wanted to get married. He was not a woman. He did not want to get married. I wanted the relationship to be open. He wanted us to be exclusive. We were clear from the early days, from our first few dates.
He chased me anyway. And i loved him eventually, the way i loved my friends, and my family. I even thought maybe i could love him the way i knew i could only love a woman. So I tried it. Not out of denial, but out of curiosity. In loving him, i did whatever he wanted. I gave it my best shot. I followed the rules he wanted to the letter, because i couldnt think of reasons not to.
But in the end, it wasn’t a real partnership. We both knew it would expire eventually, given that we wanted such different things for ourselves in our futures. I was following his rules to continue being with him, and he was running out of confidence in himself and in us. He constantly worried i would leave him, while also wanting to sleep with other women, but disallowing me to sleep with other men. That miffed me the most, i think. That he created arbitrary rules for us, then didnt follow them.
It was a perfect storm. For 4 months, it kept us together. On the 5th month, it imploded. By the 6th month, the debris floated around us, until, finally, we split up for good.
Looking back, i see now that there was a lot i was just not in tune with. There were things i was ignoring, things i didn’t care about that i should have. I was there, and i was communicative and committed, but i wasn’t what he wanted.
I wasn’t as obsessive as he wanted, or as similarly insecure in myself. That bugged him relentlessly. He spent a lot of our days being very obvious about his attempts to illicit those emotions in me. They never worked. He was too heavy-handed and ridiculous. I thought it was funny. Until the last 2 months, that is, when he knew me inside out. Then he picked up a knack for it. Then it started to work. Then it stopped being funny.
My tolerance for his antics now seems alarming to me. But it wasn’t, then. Now, i understand that my childhood had groomed me to be exploited, by those who mirrored his neuroticism to an uncanny accurancy. In escaping my captors, i had landed in his lap instead, a perfectly wrapped gadget.
But i did not understand concepts like this at 21, not the way i do at 26. At 21, i thought of life the way a child does. I did not take relationships or marraige or children or family or romance seriously. Agency in those arenas was entirely new to me. And yet the world around me confused me. I felt detached from it. Similarly, i felt detached from the abuse that was flung my way. It never registered that it was happening to my grandmother’s granddaughter. It was just happening to my father’s daughter, my mother’s un-son.
I have many regrets. But i am glad it was him who finally made me wake up from my normal. It could have been someone older, smarter, quicker, more powerful. I wouldn’t have been able to escape, then. But, no, it was just another shitty peer, similarly juvenile. His manipulation was not like my parents’, or my family’s. It was unpolished, clumsy, unsophisticated, incompetent. But, familiar. So I could figure it out pretty quickly. I got out in time, having learned my lesson, with no lasting bonds or shackles to him. In that, i am extremely lucky, and i count my blessings. Girls like me, we usually aren’t so lucky.
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I think I’ve finally figured out why I’m so obsessed with vampires despite the fact that I really don’t like the concept of death and creepy things. Well, I don’t consider myself dark but those who know me well keep insisting I am. Which I just don’t see how it’s possible to be dark or creepy when you’re obsessed with pink and fairies?
Anyways, I digress. My point is it’s because of my PTSD. I relate to them in a weird way I guess. I feel like I’m here past when I was supposed to be. Wandering the world beyond my natural time. Living among people who don’t seem to fully grasp the concept of tragedy and mortality. While I try to blend in because I look like the same species but I feel in my gut that I’m not. Because I feel like when those things happened to me that I really did die. Maybe in another timeline I did. Idk. Ugh.
Talking like this is probably why they call me dark. Why can’t I just not take it this deep? Screw it, it’s probably just my period.
I love you,
sweet dreams
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talking to a mental health professional is so funny bc they’ll be like do you have ptsd and you’ll be like “ive been through trauma like everyone else but not in a ptsd way” and then they’ll be like “do you have intrusive flashbacks to the trauma” “do you have nightmares about the trauma” “are you more guarded and paranoid and easilly irritated since the trauma” “was the trauma more than 3 months ago” and its like…oh! oh :(
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Bro, dissociative amnesia is so fucking annoying. Like what the fuck do you mean I forgot my mom did that to me????
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Being so used to dealing with weaponized incompetence and having a partner who actually just struggles a lot with certain tasks is not for the weak lol. Holding back my anger and unresolved truama like a rabid dog.
Tho fr this is a distinction I think we need to remember when discussing whether something is weaponized incompetence or not. Some people are just disabled, and some aren’t aware of their struggles until they pop up, and accommodation is an important part of a relationship. But also don’t forget your own limitations and struggles. Accommodation must be made for both people, meet in the middle.
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alright so, Im mildly collapsing mentally.
Ive isolated myself since rediscovering the horrors of my childhood, but its been like 2 years since Ive had an in person friendship. Pretty much the only person I see is my boyfriend and I know he is lying to me so the connection feels off and untrue.
it’s been a terribly cold winter- and I grew up where it’s sunny and hot in the winter, so I’ve been frigid and it hasn’t helped my depression. Today I slept until 4pm and when I am awake, Ive been making bad decisions to cope with my thoughts and feelings.
the idea of therapy is nice and all, until you feel stuck and words and practices don’t get through
I wonder what’s wrong with me, and then I remember how fucked up my brain chemistry is from being abused sexually, physically, and emotionally in the earliest years of my life- Im talking before I could walk
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about any of this without the conversation derailing into discomfort and a feeling of embarrassment for me. Im not sure how to connect with the world or with people when my head is suddenly being flooded with memories of my past.
I thought getting out would make it go away, I thought I would get a chance to be free, but everyday is like a waking nightmare. And the worst part- Im somehow so good at pretending, that people around me think Im a capable, mentally stable adult. They look at me and they assume I have such a handle on things, that Im tidy and clean and nice and hardworking and I achieve things- and when they start to find out the opposite is true they view me with disgust.
I can’t see myself in the world
I can’t figure out how to connect with anyone
I can’t figure out how to make myself accept what’s happened
I feel directionless, and Im just really angry all of the time.
I don’t know how to get my old self back, and Im starting to wonder if Im so good at pretending that I even had myself fooled- that my “old self” was always a fantasy version of me who is nice and happy, unaffected by what happened to her, as if it all vanished into thin air because the moment had ended. And I pretended to be her because it’s easier than feeling so down all the time, but now the mask is starting to melt away, and it’s not easy to pretend.
And Im really not sure what to do or where to go.
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Random fact: do you know pretty much every bad thing can traumatize a child? Children are easily traumatized.
And second random fact: what traumatize someone won’t necessarily traumatize someone else. Traumas aren’t something we can clearly define it depends on every person life and experiences, even if some events are more likely to traumatize you than others.
A concrete example under the cut (TW: talks about being stuck in small spaces)
[[MORE]]In the building I lived in as a child we had often problems with the lift. I wasn’t able to take the stairs so I ended up often stuck inside the elevator.
It was normal to me.
But one day? I invited a friend at my house. And we took the lift and ended up stuck inside in the dark (yay) for a quite long amount of time for a child. For her it was horrible because she had fear of the dark and when we finally got out she was completely panicking, not able to breathe correctly (panic attack).
Now, even if we are adults, she never feels completely ok in close spaces. It was worse as a child, she was claustrophobic but it went better with time and (I guess but I can’t remember correctly) therapy.
An event that was normal to me wasn’t for my friend and it affected her badly.
I can’t say if she had already been stuck in small spaces before and it triggered her or if this event was the cause of a trauma but it was the trigger of a phobia.
My point is, you can’t judge someone trauma and tell whether or not their trauma is enough. Even if you experienced almost the same thing and did not end up traumatized.
(this comes from someone who is traumatized)
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Hello everyone siblings and I are working on a Stuffie called Panic Pals. We want them to be a calming friend to help you during the tough times when it feels hard to reach out. Looking to make them multi-sensory friendly.
