March 3rd Oni’s backpack is insane

i am unbelievably angry that i’ve been forced to become nostalgic about a time when everything was just harmless shitty photoshop

Homemade jello pinwheels, red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting.

I feel loved and appreciated today. I cleaned, I cleaned, I helped, I cleaned.

Burgers and veggie fries for dinner, I’m too full for all the desserts we took home.

I’m not making progress that anyone can really see, but I feel it. I feel it.

My first thought of the day isn’t “God dammit.”

In fact, I look forward to waking up so I can have coffee.

Sitting idle is slightly more boring than it was before.

I’m looking forward to things, getting up and doing tasks, extending my energy to things I’d have none for any other time. I don’t get so sick.

I need to take my iron better, I’ve been dizzy. But all my other meds I take on time.

I think I’ve brushed my teeth, or at least used mouthwash, every day last month. I didn’t today, admittedly, I will tonight.

Isn’t that amazing?

I still feel this sadness, I still feel unearned, guilty, but it’s faded. I’m sad, but not enough.

It’s so nice to not just be constantly either anxious, angry, or sad all day. I’m smiling and laughing more. Conversation feels less like a chore, despite the struggle.

I’m less irritated. I still get overwhelmed. I still think about all the horrible things that could happen if I step outside. But I’m less scared.

I’m scared, but not scared enough!

I really hope this continues. I have a busy summer to look forward to. I have so many goals. There’s so much.

I don’t think I could handle feeling how I felt before for so long, again. Does that make sense?

i feel so viscerally changed

Alhamdulilah

i feel like my old self but better

reflecting on Allah swt, on nature, on love- the vastness of hope and love

i love who i am when i am connected to my faith, when i am connected with Allah swt- the Most Loving, the Most Merciful <3

i really do

i feel the downpour of His Mercy in all my life <3

so grateful for Islam

Alhamdulilah

also got so horrible drunk last night alone (uh oh) that I threw up on my rug in my bedroom… soooo embarrassing

waitress at work who I liked that no one else likes, I no longer fuck with because she keeps being a fucking twit. Should have listened to the masses. I also unfortunately don’t think a lot of coworkers are smart or wise

Birthday Week Diary

Prologue:

On February 25th I was informed that my job is ending on April 30th. This wasn’t a complete surprise. The agency I work for lost the account I work on, probably the largest account at the agency. That’s a lot of money out the door and much less work for a lot of people, so we all knew it was coming. Who it came for was the only mystery. And now I know. I’ve been working there for…

Birthday Week Diary

March 15th 2026

It’s almost been a week since the death of my younger brother, his funeral is in three days. The arrival of spring feels cruel now.

my dad was showing me a 70 page document of policies and procedures he made by fighting copilot ai for a week. unformatted and repetitive and messy, mind you. and i had to hold my fucking tongue bc while i COULD do all that without an ai in a couple hours, if i said as much he would remember that im actually his most efficient employee and would immediately delegate that shit to me. and i simply do not want to.

Dimanche are for wandering and eating 👀

how i feel when i cant repost the hajime edit i found cuz i actually do care about what some people think of me

Why can’t I get over you?

You talk me deaf for hours, and I love to listen. It frustrates you that the people you date don’t. You worry he doesn’t want to listen to you. That you’re too nerdy, that you need to change yourself.

I want you to be happy. I really do. When you found a partner that made you happy, I felt your joy like it was my own. I didn’t like him very much, but how could I object, when you looked so happy?

You left for your date and I wished you the best. I wanted it to go well. I still do. But I also dread it, when you’ll come home smiling, and tell me how great he is. Or sometimes you don’t talk about your dates at all. And sometimes the interest lasts for a week or two before you move on.

Then you’ll describe what you wish you could find in a partner, and I check the boxes. I know you simply aren’t attracted to me, and I shouldn’t dwell on why. I shouldn’t try to change myself. I want to throw myself against a wall when I start to feel any anger. Why am I angry? You’ve done nothing wrong!

It wasn’t like this when you were in a relationship. It’s something about the being single. I just want my brain to shut up, I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to be your friend. I just want to be able to fall for someone else. Please.

soup time :3

2026/03/15

ガソリンが高いね。

ハイオクでリッター194円くらい。

こりゃちょっと遠出は控えるかなぁ。

昔、暫定税率が失効した時にスタンドでバイトしてたけど

あの時も一気に値上げするからってみんなスタンドに殺到してたね。

自分が働いてたスタンドでは

地下タンクのレギュラーガソリンが無くなって

ハイオクと軽油だけ販売してた。

調べたら2008年のことらしい。

自分がハタチの頃。懐かしいね。

memes on social media make me feel dysphoric and invalid a lot of the time

my screen time outweighs the time i spend doing hobbies. and that makes me feel bad about myself.

i am such a dramatic person. how disgusting.

the only reason i exist is to feast off of others’ validation and attention. how embarrassing.

i want to be someone i am not. appearing aggressive, selfish, entitled, irresponsible, loud emotions, bigoted, also gives me dysphoria.

i want to be lanky and pale, thick dark messy/curly hair. i dont want my hair to ever look thin and flat. i’m also pissed how i am trapped with a colour i hate and i cant change it because i dont have a shower (and no one that will do my hair for me).

not having a support system is also so embarrassing.

“wOw YoUrE hyPerinDEPEndent” when your sense of identity is being a bottom, depending on other people and being dumb makes me feel skinnier. Your “advice” makes me feel worse.

my mood is permanently ruined whenever i see the kind of emotional reaction i’d have labelled as “dramatic” or “hysterical”. or whenever i relate to any meme about females. or whenever someone calls me misognistic for labelling women as over dramatic (that is not the point- being transgender and transtypal are two separate things)

the thing that surprising me a lot here is how people are liking my intro post and then nothing else. Ok maybe they didnt find someting interesting for them in my blog, but… what is the part of my intro that made you so happy?

i even still not putted “useful links” in it [upd: ok 30 mins later i did one… and that not bounded with this post lol] and there, like, just 2 blinkies and 2 not-genius pictures… what are you liking here, sis, russian memes huh?

i’m full of curiousity (•_ •)

1979.

Rested all day today! Ah, if only every day was like this one. I like my job though so I’m not complaining, it’s just that life is really enjoyable when you don’t have any imminent responsibilities. Still, I’d go crazy without working for more than a couple of weeks I think, so all in all there’s a fair balance.

time to romanticize my suffering again! i have a month to become deathly thin because thats the only thing men like and i will organize my life into a horrible, beautiful, disgusting perfection. i hate this

i just finished to kill a mocking bird omg what a beautiful book 🥹 ty 8th grade english teacher for putting me on

Probably as beauty-obsessed as any one else, but observing women in the wild >>>> studying images online.

A woman just walked by–plainly dressed, glasses, and little to no makeup–but immediately drew my eye with how she carried it.

I won’t say IRL presence always beats aesthetics, but 9 out of 10, it does.