alright so, Im mildly collapsing mentally.

Ive isolated myself since rediscovering the horrors of my childhood, but its been like 2 years since Ive had an in person friendship. Pretty much the only person I see is my boyfriend and I know he is lying to me so the connection feels off and untrue.

it’s been a terribly cold winter- and I grew up where it’s sunny and hot in the winter, so I’ve been frigid and it hasn’t helped my depression. Today I slept until 4pm and when I am awake, Ive been making bad decisions to cope with my thoughts and feelings.

the idea of therapy is nice and all, until you feel stuck and words and practices don’t get through

I wonder what’s wrong with me, and then I remember how fucked up my brain chemistry is from being abused sexually, physically, and emotionally in the earliest years of my life- Im talking before I could walk

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about any of this without the conversation derailing into discomfort and a feeling of embarrassment for me. Im not sure how to connect with the world or with people when my head is suddenly being flooded with memories of my past.

I thought getting out would make it go away, I thought I would get a chance to be free, but everyday is like a waking nightmare. And the worst part- Im somehow so good at pretending, that people around me think Im a capable, mentally stable adult. They look at me and they assume I have such a handle on things, that Im tidy and clean and nice and hardworking and I achieve things- and when they start to find out the opposite is true they view me with disgust.

I can’t see myself in the world

I can’t figure out how to connect with anyone

I can’t figure out how to make myself accept what’s happened

I feel directionless, and Im just really angry all of the time.

I don’t know how to get my old self back, and Im starting to wonder if Im so good at pretending that I even had myself fooled- that my “old self” was always a fantasy version of me who is nice and happy, unaffected by what happened to her, as if it all vanished into thin air because the moment had ended. And I pretended to be her because it’s easier than feeling so down all the time, but now the mask is starting to melt away, and it’s not easy to pretend.

And Im really not sure what to do or where to go.

Pozwól mi zapomnieć..

¿Para que me cree esto? No tengo ni idea… ¿para hacerlo un Diario quizá? ¡Que va! Ni siquiera tengo una vida interesante para anotar. Sin embargo, no esta mal dejar la frustración, la tristeza y todas esas pavadas en cada palabra que escribo ¿No?

Estoy cansada ¿y saben que es lo peor de todo? es que si alguien escucha mi historia, me llamaría ridícula, porque no sé como le hago pero mi vida siempre suena a color de rosa en los oídos ajenos, solo mi Okasa me ve y es demasiado triste porque lo sufre peor que yo y ese angel no merece sufrir en absoluto…

Pero es que ¡Banda! he intentado tantas cosas y siento que solo doy vuelta en círculos o que camino sin llegar a ningún lado… ¿No les pasa que solo persiguen la luz que ven a lo largo del túnel y por más que se esfuerzan por alcanzarla nunca llegan a esa salida?

?? Why I make that face.. idk but whatever

…

Ciągle się zbieram by napisać tu wszystko.

Now I have nothing to do… I feel lonely… the feeling disappears when people enter and want to order, but when I get home I feel like that again… sometimes I don’t have anyone to talk to because I arrived at my house at 1am.

Or sometimes I just want a hug but nobody is awake at that time.. my TCA (eating disorder) returns very badly.. I usually don’t eat anything in my job because I feel like a pig so I prefer to starve myself.. I’m not hungry either, because working in the coffee shop It takes away my appetite even more than before..I can’t eat again because I feel guilty or ugly.. I never can control my TCA but at least I was relaxed until two months ago.

Anyway… nobody cares about this, I just need to vent so I don’t start crying at work…

My mom is going to make me go to ‘counseling’ because of my dad being almost dead. I don’t want to go. Jokes on her, she doesn’t know im depressed and sh. And neither will anyone else in my life. I’ve been doing this stuff before my dad even became almost dead so it’s not like it matters

Today someone thought I was 17. I’m 13. And for some reason people think I’m older. And I don’t like that. I also don’t like my family calling me a woman but I have to suffer through it anyway. Because it’s kind of genetic that we suffer through things the hard way in my family. Because if it isn’t hard then did I even do it right?

Open your eyes

Looking to a screan
In the park
I don’t know how to scream
It’s very hard

All alone on the phone
No notifications
Always at home
I still in this station

Knowing hou to take care of myself
Doesn’t mean I dont’t need people to mind
But like myself
Just wanted people not to be blind

Sweet meat

Calling my name on the top of the stairs
Looking at me like I’m a slice os meat
Watching if no one is around to stop you, someone who cares
I was so aweet

Entering my grandmothers room
She was your wife and you didn’t carad
I started to feel a glom
Knowing what was about to happen

Just one light on
My pants off
You turned on
Should have stopped, but you only wanted to fuck

Cum on my back
Didn’t regreted doin such a thing
I was just a kid
And you felt like a king

Hunting for something

I’ve been put in many situations
And here I am stronger than ever
I’ve never stopped in any station
Wish I could be like this forever

Who day “I live you” is Lying
Since I was a kid hearinhg it
But how would I know, if I never had this feeling
And for then is hard to admit

Acting cool when it’s needed
They fake their feelings to get things they want
Thing’s won’t make you feel completed
So you’ll never stop this hunt?

“…ah…”

the fries said quietly..as if they knew this would happen.

I was doing so well in life and it’s all turned around. Within a month or two the stress has skyrocketed, I’m no longer living alone, it’s all going to shit. There was never a reason to be hopeful.

Do we stop everything slowly?….

Or

All at once?

“..No. I have not. Its not like he’d want to see me anyways he’s scared of me!…and she doesnt even know of me.”

The Fries are reluctant to see their father after the first time.