If my serotonin and dopamine receptors could please start pulling their weight it would be much appreciated.

You know it’s bad when you spend the weekend with thoughts running through your head to such an extent you look forward to work on Monday.

i shouldn’t have said anything, i should’ve just stopped on my own. shown with my actions instead of making a dramatic selfish exit. and now whatever i say is just going to make everything worse.

i’ll make you feel like you have some sort of obligation to talk to me, and i’ll become a chore you just have to deal with sometimes bc if you don’t something bad will happen.

i’ll become a clingy mess, worse than i am already, and i will drain the life out of you. i’ll annoy you until you’re sick of me. i’ll scare you away like i probably scared the last person i became close with.

you said i’m not a problem but i know its just to make me feel better about myself for screwing everything up.

maybe no response isn’t any better. maybe that’ll just drive us apart and you’ll realize how much better you feel without me there. or maybe all i’ll do is make you worry about me. or maybe it means nothing to you. i don’t know what else to do though. i have to prove i’m not the manipulative clingy bastard that you probably i think i am.

The Houses That Locked Themselves

I’d been with Benton County Telecom long enough to know the difference between noise and trouble.

Noise has rules. Static drifts. Crosstalk wanders. Water in copper sounds like rain trapped in a jar. Trouble announces itself cleanly—dead lines, open circuits, outages you can trace with your eyes closed.

This wasn’t that.

I noticed it first on a Tuesday, butt set clipped to my belt, handset…

The Houses That Locked Themselves

Currently reading (for the 4th time) Bex-Chan’s fanfic ‘Isolation’

it’s based on Draco and Hermione. And I am fucking unwell everytime I read it. I’m always left to wonder why I do this to myself!! In my head it’s canon, and I refuse to believe otherwise 😝

it’s based a few months after The Half Blood Prince and Draco’s “attempt” to kill Dumbledore. If you’re a romance fan, Harry Potter fan. Please read it. It just makes so much sense. It is not rainbow’s and butterflies. It is raw and scathing and their proper personalities shine - while the story proceeds into the last book.

Bex, if you’re out there, sweet angel. I love you for ruining my mental health and breaking my heart in the sweetest way. You’re one hell of a writer.

Fun fact - I am going to see The Cursed Child with Tom in April. And I cannot wait!

There was tragedy of death, yes, with its attendant grief and agony. This was not that tragedy. This was a tragedy of the dramatic imagination. Wanting touch, starving for touch, to be around others, at the exact moment when touch holds the greatest possibility of danger.

Brandon Taylor, from Minor Black Figures

I just wanna blow my shit off clean

In the end of the day

Im still the kid who ended up working with the teacher or completely alone during group assignments… just sitting there watching my friends choose eachother but not even glance at me as everyone gets into their groups

Just this time there’s no teacher for me to turn to

Just myself.

Being alone Vs scared you’ll hurt people again

💧 When a Bar of Soap Becomes Survival
The Last Resort Soap explores the quiet realities of hygiene insecurity — the strain of not having enough for basic necessities like shampoo, conditioner, or soap. Through one woman’s small, ordinary act of washing, the story captures grief and hardship.

The Last Resort Soap

I f19 fucked up my friendship with m20 how do I apologize

It’s been less than 48 hours since I should have gave my apologies to him. I f(19) went to strength training with team last night and he m(20) was there because he is our manager/team assistant coach. ( context: I’ve known this guy since last season and our relationship went beyond the team and bloomed into a friendship. We talk and hangout here an there last fall but during the winter and spring I fell off communication with him because of health, family and intrapersonal problems I didn’t want him to know about) during the workout He sat on a bench where I was doing our core workout, and I was feeling unwell prior to him getting there. He sat and observe and I told him “go away” and he replied with “don’t let me distract you” so I stopped my workout because I was simply not able to continue my reps.
I stood for 30 secs after our conversation and immediately left the room and went into the locker room where I sat and passed out. Twenty minutes later after gaining consciousness and still feeling weakness to walk, I went back to the strength and conditioning room and grabbed my stuff to leave because I felt weak; as athlete I felt weak physically and mentally and I also felt embarrassed to even be there when I couldn’t d a simple workout. He came to check up on me and ask what was wrong but I brushed it off saying “nothing, in ok” because I care too deeply about his opinion and persecution of me, I didn’t want him to see me weak. I’ve been pushing him away from the longest time when he’s only trying to help but it’s because I don’t want him to burden himself with me and this was his last string of patience where he just gave up checking on me and talking to me, which I completely understandable.
I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid as to make him belief it was fault of being there that let sequence of events

A) Have you gotten checked out by a doctor? Losing consciousness isn’t normal, especially in those circumstances and for so long.

B) There’s honestly no point to apologizing if you’re not committed to changing your behavior and are just going to continue to repeat the same harmful patterns. If you’re committed to breaking free of these patterns, what’s your plan? Are you going to supplement with therapy?

zofran don’t abandon me now

I cling to you, my last friend

the windows are screaming

shot by my own face again

I miss my mother

I’m not sure the rage will ever heal.I crave the feeling of stability, of belonging in a pack which I seem to have found. It would be the only exception of my existence that I keep close relations with so many people, perhaps they wouldn’t be too many for a regular individual.I dared to assume I finally found a place among these people, my paranoia has always told me otherwise.A mouthful of words with multiple meanings was the right amount of fuel for me to reach an unstoppable sense of doom and paranoia about these peoples hidden intentions.Their presence wasn’t in question, they showed up but the words they were speaking sometimes has made me question my entire existence.My intuition is telling me that everything is a prank, they speak ill of me behind my back and they consider me inferior.That is the way it always had been.Yes, I wasn’t absolutely isolated and totally without interactions.I had very few friendships, very few romantic relationships and but the type of loneliness you feel when no one ever understands you even when you do have people around you is just unbearable.They thought I was different too, they tought I was weird but they stayed for some aesthetic reason influencing their opinions of me or so I believe strongly.This will be my last attempt at a social life, if this friends are how my intuition tells me it will end and I won’t seek anything new again.Yes I crave to belong, I crave the warmth these people gave me but what if its a trap? Isolation has never failed me and it will be the absolute only way of avoiding as much disappointment as possible

This is what I feel, raw, open and with no intervention to correct it

If anyone reads this, enjoy the endless fall into the abyss which is my soul

I don’t know when

I don’t know how

But I need to be out of here forever

Taken from Pentax e40 optio.

The loudest screams are always the ones that never make it out.

​A quiet kind of self-destruction.

I’ve been living on this planet for so many years and i couldn’t even make one person genuinely care about me who isn’t in my immediate family like how am I supposed to be normal about this

I’m so glad I found Crappy Childhood Fairy again, her videos are life-changing.

Notes from her videos (pt. I)

When no one heard you as a child•“You were never allowed to be, never allowed to speak calmly, to trust that someone would wait and listen.”
•“[When you shrink]…they join you in this idea that you’re low-status, that you’re not worth being heard, they stop expecting anything meaningful from you, they don’t give you the time or the space to finish. So sometimes, you swing the other way – you get loud, you dominate the conversation, you interrupt – not because you’re rude, but the panic of being ignored is taking over; it feels like life and death to be heard….and people feel that urgency coming off you – it’s stressful for them, they back away, and then you feel ignored again.”
• “There’s something about your vibe, the way your nervous system is communication with other people, that gives them permission to ramble on and never see you.”
• “…when you begin to take yourself seriously, when you begin to actually have boundaries and you feel worthy of being heard, that people just don’t mess with you, and that’s kinda like magic.”
• “…and you start to expect that you’ll be misunderstood, so you communicate in ways that make it even more likely you’ll be misunderstood or not heard.”
•"This self-sabotage can go on for years; so you might just think you’re awkward, or shy, or introverted. But what’s really happening is that your communication system…has been shaped by your survival instinct. And survival communication is different from connected communication.“

What to do about it
• Bring your voice to it’s natural, deeper, and calmer state; our voices are naturally deeper than what they are, and through calmness, our voices come off as more grounded, powerful, and trustworthy.
• Practice asking questions/for help/clarity beforehand; people that have been through childhood trauma never learned how to ask for things in a healthy or effective manner. Practice getting into mentality where asking feels natural and without anxiety, and practice beforehand to come across in a grounded and confident away.
• Ground yourself: "Do you clench your jaw when you talk, do you hold your breath, do you speak through your nose rather than your chest?” “Each time you speak from a regulated place, you give your nervous system a new experience, a corrective experience.”
• Speak in clear, short sentences.
• Silence is not a threat – it’s a space, it’s neutral.

What results look like
You’ll learn to recognize safe people:
- people that actually want to hear you
- people who wait for you to finish
- people who ask follow-up questions because they care
- people who let you pause and gather your thoughts
– and when you find those people, you can let them in!“ Don’t forget to also *be* this person for the other.

Crappy Childhood Fairy’s video "When NO ONE Hear You as a Child… HERE’S What It Does to You Now” is a gem, and so helpful.

this is me. and i’m going to be a number soon (and already am). screw you world

When a person in poverty has no emotional support and no formal safety net systems, they face a situation of extreme social and psychological isolation. In this scenario, the absence of a “village” or support system significantly intensifies the existing hardships of poverty, often leading to a total breakdown of resilience. 

The following are the specific consequences of having no emotional or systemic support while living in poverty:

1. Psychological and Cognitive Collapse

Without emotional support to “buffer” the chronic stress of poverty, the mental toll becomes much more severe. 

• Bandwidth Exhaustion: Constant worry about survival without anyone to talk to or confide in depletes “cognitive bandwidth” faster, impairing memory, focus, and decision-making.
• Mental Health Decline: Isolated individuals are up to three times more likely to develop severe depression and anxiety compared to those with even a small support network.
• Loss of Identity: Prolonged isolation can threaten a person’s sense of reality and identity, potentially leading to delusions, hallucinations, or a spiraling sense of worthlessness. 

2. The “Loneliness Penalty”

Poverty-linked loneliness is not just an emotion; it creates a “defensive symptom cluster” of real physical and financial pain. 

• Survival “Vigilance”: Living entirely alone in a high-poverty environment keeps the body in a constant state of “fight-or-flight,” which can cause chronic inflammation, heart disease, and premature death.
• Invisible Costs: Without someone to help with emergencies (like a ride to work or child care), an isolated person ends up spending more money to solve basic problems, further entrenching them in debt. 

3. Increased Vulnerability and “Invisibility”

When a person has no systems or support, they often become “invisible” to society, making them targets for further hardship. 

• Vulnerability to Abuse: Without a network to help them escape, isolated individuals are more likely to be targeted by abusive people or remain in dangerous situations because they have nowhere else to go.
• Lack of Advocacy: There is no one to “vouch” for them or help navigate complex bureaucracy, leading to missed opportunities for even basic aid. 

4. Compounded “Bad Luck”

For someone with zero support, a single instance of “bad luck” can be terminal rather than just a setback. 

• No Recourse: If they fall ill or have a mechanical failure, there is no friend to borrow $20 from or family member to stay with. This turns minor problems into life-altering catastrophes. 

In short, while talent or beauty might open a door, the lack of an emotional and systemic safety net means there is no one to help you stay on your feet when life inevitably pushes back. 

Me to the avoidants in my life that dip out when they sense a decline in my mental health lmao