I’m not sure the rage will ever heal.I crave the feeling of stability, of belonging in a pack which I seem to have found. It would be the only exception of my existence that I keep close relations with so many people, perhaps they wouldn’t be too many for a regular individual.I dared to assume I finally found a place among these people, my paranoia has always told me otherwise.A mouthful of words with multiple meanings was the right amount of fuel for me to reach an unstoppable sense of doom and paranoia about these peoples hidden intentions.Their presence wasn’t in question, they showed up but the words they were speaking sometimes has made me question my entire existence.My intuition is telling me that everything is a prank, they speak ill of me behind my back and they consider me inferior.That is the way it always had been.Yes, I wasn’t absolutely isolated and totally without interactions.I had very few friendships, very few romantic relationships and but the type of loneliness you feel when no one ever understands you even when you do have people around you is just unbearable.They thought I was different too, they tought I was weird but they stayed for some aesthetic reason influencing their opinions of me or so I believe strongly.This will be my last attempt at a social life, if this friends are how my intuition tells me it will end and I won’t seek anything new again.Yes I crave to belong, I crave the warmth these people gave me but what if its a trap? Isolation has never failed me and it will be the absolute only way of avoiding as much disappointment as possible
This is what I feel, raw, open and with no intervention to correct it
If anyone reads this, enjoy the endless fall into the abyss which is my soul
