Displays of dominance can sometimes create the image of strength while quietly shielding vulnerability. What becomes visible when the performance stops?

https://dualisticunity.com/when-insecurity-masquerades-as-strength/

Intimacy is a weird thing. Throughout my years as a little girl into my teen hood, I was so frightened by own naked body I couldn’t imagine doing anything that involved stripping my clothes and revealing it. I fretted anxiously over the day I would have to get a pap smear or a cervix exam, have sex, or god forbid—give birth.

I always felt there was numerous things wrong with me. Secret, disgusting things I had to keep hidden that I could never, under no circumstances, have someone get to know. I thought I was alone in this, thought I was the most abnormal creature and everyone else comfortable in their beautiful bodies—their insecurities merely surface level or fictitious. They didn’t have nastiness that lurked beneath layers of clothes like I did.

I held this belief with me through even my first relationship where even when things were heating up I held true to my secrecy. I thought this would continue to be a long lasting issue until I met someone different and bam. It was nothing. You do it once and suddenly it doesn’t matter. Well, of course, it still matters to some extend. But you know that you could get to be that way with someone with enough trust and the right relationship. I also was validated that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. Of course there wasn’t. I think I knew that too, at least a little by then. It was like a veil was lifted off of me. There was no disgustingness. No secret deformities that held me apart. I had a pretty typical run-of-the-mill teenage girl body, one that could be celebrated and enjoyed rather than fretted about.

To anyone currently suffering from the curse of “I’m disgusting and unloveable” you’re not. You’ll see. Lift the veil and bask in the beauty of you. The day you can see that, feel it in its entirety, you will feel born again.

—

The free maiden

What can I do to be a better person? Do I come off too strong?

it took me years to realize that i’m actually pretty

i felt like i looked like a man, i hated it. the only compliments i got were from my family, i hated it.

i felt like my skin was too light to be black, and too dark to be pretty. the only pretty black women i saw were really dark, beauty was being white and skinny

i tried all of these lightening creams on my skin, they never worked. i tried to get skinnier, i starved myself and now i pay the price by barely being hungry anymore.

nothing worked.

my hair was too curly to be pretty, i straightened it a lot

my eyelashes weren’t long enough, sure they were long, but not enough. the more i cried, the longer they got

my eyebrows were too manly, i shaved them down a bit but i was no professional

my thighs were too fat, i worked out

my breasts were too small

my skin wasnt clear enough

my teeth weren’t white enough

my clothing style is too ugly

i was am too fat

i dont know what got me to like myself

i still compare myself to others all the time

i just try to be more confident

maybe you’ll like me then.

Insecurity is a turn off. It’s pathetic and I have zero tolerance for it.

I’m not talking about fleeting moments of insecurity. That’s normal and we all have those.

I’m talking about the kind of insecurity that rules a person’s life and actions, makes them lie, do ridiculous things like send themselves flattering anons (you’re so obvious, btw), or complain incessantly about how they’re not good enough.

Whining for validation isn’t sexy. There. I said it. If you don’t think or believe you’re good enough, then improve yourself? I don’t know what the fuck you want people to say. It’s not the responsibility of those around you to fix your self esteem. It’s yours.

Yeah, circumstances out of your control probably shattered it, but now it’s up to you and you alone to make the conscious choice and effort to remedy what is broken.

I’m a neurodivergent survivor of multiple forms of trauma, and I chose not to become a fucking statistic.

I have zero sympathy for people who use insecurity as a tool to try and gain pity/validation/attention from people.

Grow a backbone.

A person who insists on being right in every situation can appear powerful on the surface. What happens when the need to be right is examined more closely?

https://dualisticunity.com/when-insecurity-masquerades-as-strength/

Boyfriend (33M) and I (32F) have different approaches to friends. How do we manage this in a way that supports both of our needs

My boyfriend and I will have been together for one year next month and we have what I feel is the best relationship I have ever been in. We are committed to each other and on the same page of moving in and engagement before the end of this year. We love each other deeply and have worked really hard to get to a stable and happy relationship. I do struggle with anxiety.
Now to our current issue:
My boyfriend has a lot of friends (like 10+) from different groups and from various life stages (college, grad school, etc). I have a few close ones (2-3) and see them maybe once a year but do talk or text frequently. I have never really valued having a large group of friends and am introverted. I prefer the few close friendships I do have. I should note that he has female friends and I am not necessarily opposed to this. We have discussed boundaries and he has so far upheld them. This issue is more about my lack of ability to relate to certain people than gender.
From early on he has tried to bring me into various friend groups. Over the summer there was a beach trip where I met a group of his friends, and I think it went well. He accommodated me and we have since hung out with different members of that group again.
I also get along well with his family and see some of them almost daily while he sees members of my family maybe once or twice a month.
Where I am having difficulty is with his one friend group from college that I just cannot seem to crack. I can’t put my finger on what the issue is, but I just feel extremely uncomfortable around them. One thing that sticks out is that one of the girls is ALWAYS late to everything. We also have to travel to see them (1 hour each way) every time there is a get together. Over the course of our relationship, I have met up with this group at least 5 times and he has met up with them several times without me. There would have been an additional hang out, but they flaked on us after we had already driven to their city. This still makes me feel mad.
Last night we drove to them again to hang out at one of their apartments. I felt super uncomfortable the entire time. When we were walking out afterwards my boyfriend was shocked to hear that I did not have a good time. He thought it had gone great and didn’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable. To be honest, I am not entirely sure myself. I think it is a combination of being new and an outsider, feeling insecure with some class dynamics, feeling like he acts different around them than around me, the lateness which I consider rude, feeling like people talk over me, and downright not having anything in common with them.
I am not at all trying to get him to stop being friends with them. Nevertheless, when he does go hang out with them without me, I do feel sad and like he is choosing them or I am being excluded. A relevant thing here is that they seem to always make plans last minute so if him and I had something else going on, even just eating dinner/hanging out, I feel like our plan gets thrown out so he can hang out with them. I also feel like some of the friends being girls makes this feel weirder to me because it’s not like it’s a “guy’s night” where it would make sense to exclude girlfriends. I also recognize that it is still important to maintain the friendships independent of me I just struggle with it in the moment.
I am trying hard to find a solution where we can both be happy. This morning after talking more about last night I arrived at the conclusion that I do not wish to hang out with them anymore. The problem is that now every time he goes to hang out with them, I will still feel left out and not chosen.
My question is how do we manage this situation? I know I need to manage my own emotions but I also feel like there is room for compromise and creativity. Would love to hear others’ thoughts!

There is not a situation here to manage. You are a bit insecure and possessive, and while that’s rather common, it’s not something you should settle for in yourself and can seek therapy to grow in these areas. It is NOT okay to make some rule or dictate that your boyfriend can’t have friends that he sees without you. It is normal and healthy for adults in relationships to maintain autonomy and independence. It is healthy for them to have their own friends and their own hobbies. If you share that sometimes, that’s great! But you honestly don’t need to share it at all. This is firmly a You Issue. Trying to make it a relationship issue WILL hurt the relationship. There is nothing here to manage relationship-wise, and it would be unreasonable to claim there is.

I’m still overthinking and feeling rather tired and worrying about my posts being seen today. With my posts and reblogs, I get carried away sometimes. I’ve probably got close to 30 new posts or reblogs just today alone. It can be ridiculous and excessive, but I can’t always help myself. I really can’t seem to help myself. I’m a big poster, to the point where I almost accuse myself of being addicted.

I’ve made a ton of posts today. I don’t know if all of them have been seen. I hope they have been, but I couldn’t tell you if they have been or if they haven’t been. My brain made me feel obligated to write this though, so here we are.

I have so many things I want to write, but I’m feeling insecure about my posts getting attention. I’m also having 10 different thoughts at once. And I’m also just…i don’t know. I lost my train of thought. Anyways, I’m just gonna dump a lot of my thoughts and stressors into this post. Let’s see…

My dad goes back to working tomorrow. I’m nervous about that, like I am every week. I don’t love being all alone every morning, because then it becomes hard to adjust when my dad gets back home. Also because I’m very dependent on my dad for many things, and I don’t like being all alone.

College ends sooner than later now. I’m super nervous about that, and I’m nervous about what I’ll do with my life once College ends. I wish I could’ve just stayed in High School, because these existential dilemmas are awful for me to deal with.

I haven’t masturbated in a few days. Because I feel so embarased whenever I do it (even when all alone I find it embarassing) i’ve basically become obsessed. I look at erotica a lot, masturbate a lot due to a high sex drive (but just for masturbation). It’s bizarre, and the embarassment means it brings me lots of stress. The stress helps feed the obsession, and I’m just trying to go another full week without doing it again.

I think my Ninjago hyperfixation might’ve ended, but I don’t know. I haven’t had any major hyperfixations since High School ended. Seriously. My last big hyperfixation was on comic books, and that ended in june of 2025. The same time High School and I parted ways. So many of my problems seem to come back to that.

I’m sure there’s more to be said here. I’m sure there is. But my mind is drawing a complete blank, and I really want to be doing something more with my time. So I’ll end this here, because I simply can’t keep getting stuck in my own head. I’ve already written something like 10 posts today, I can’t keep letting myself do this at the expense of all my other free time. I can’t. Also, my fingers hurt way too much for me to keep writing.

I f19 fucked up my friendship with m20 how do I apologize

It’s been less than 48 hours since I should have gave my apologies to him. I f(19) went to strength training with team last night and he m(20) was there because he is our manager/team assistant coach. ( context: I’ve known this guy since last season and our relationship went beyond the team and bloomed into a friendship. We talk and hangout here an there last fall but during the winter and spring I fell off communication with him because of health, family and intrapersonal problems I didn’t want him to know about) during the workout He sat on a bench where I was doing our core workout, and I was feeling unwell prior to him getting there. He sat and observe and I told him “go away” and he replied with “don’t let me distract you” so I stopped my workout because I was simply not able to continue my reps.
I stood for 30 secs after our conversation and immediately left the room and went into the locker room where I sat and passed out. Twenty minutes later after gaining consciousness and still feeling weakness to walk, I went back to the strength and conditioning room and grabbed my stuff to leave because I felt weak; as athlete I felt weak physically and mentally and I also felt embarrassed to even be there when I couldn’t d a simple workout. He came to check up on me and ask what was wrong but I brushed it off saying “nothing, in ok” because I care too deeply about his opinion and persecution of me, I didn’t want him to see me weak. I’ve been pushing him away from the longest time when he’s only trying to help but it’s because I don’t want him to burden himself with me and this was his last string of patience where he just gave up checking on me and talking to me, which I completely understandable.
I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid as to make him belief it was fault of being there that let sequence of events

A) Have you gotten checked out by a doctor? Losing consciousness isn’t normal, especially in those circumstances and for so long.

B) There’s honestly no point to apologizing if you’re not committed to changing your behavior and are just going to continue to repeat the same harmful patterns. If you’re committed to breaking free of these patterns, what’s your plan? Are you going to supplement with therapy?

I (M20) feel like my girlfriend (F18) is very insecure though she completely declines that idea

To start this off I need to mention that this is my very first relationship and it has been going on for around 6 months now.
I really like being with my girlfriend, she is a person I feel very safe and comfortable with and I would like for this relationship to go on.
However, in recent months, a few issues have become prominent that are, in my opinion, down to her being incredibly insecure and having had rather terrible experiences with men in the past.
For example, anytime I simply greet another woman (eg. one that goes into the same lectures from university) or I am „overly nice“ to service workers and other women I do not personally know or ever have the intention of getting to know - she gets very upset and sad, saying that I should stop doing so immediately.
In the past, there have also been issues with boundaries, where I had told her that we would talk after I got home though seeing as it was incredibly late and I was ready to go to sleep, I simply told her good night, at which point she was somewhat upset we didn’t talk and I didn’t „keep my promise“.
What is the best way to approach this situation?
My girlfriend generally appears to be in denial when it comes to her own insecurities. She has shown me TikTok videos where women supposedly don’t allow their boyfriends to have any female friends and portrayed that as legitimacy towards her behavior.

All you can do is hold your own boundaries and hope she gets help for this before it destroys the relationship. But if she can’t even admit this is a problem - she’s nowhere near getting help. You should continue to advocate for yourself and not give into her insecure meltdowns. Best of luck. It’s okay to walk away from this relationship at any point.

The body part I can’t be insecure about

Except when it’s hot and they swell and I feel like this

𝐁𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚 𝐛𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐮𝐩, 𝐭𝐫𝐲𝐧𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐮𝐩 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐩 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡, 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬. 𝐁𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡, 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨? 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲'𝐬 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐮𝐩, 𝐬𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐈'𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐰𝐚𝐲

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐫 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐢𝐱 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐬𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐭, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐈 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐥, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐈 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐈 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐫𝐲

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡, 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨? 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲'𝐬 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐮𝐩, 𝐬𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞. 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐈'𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 ’. 𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐮𝐲 𝐈 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐝𝐮𝐦𝐛 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧

𝐍𝐨, 𝐢𝐭'𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡. 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲'𝐬 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐮𝐩, 𝐨𝐡 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭-

When the fit is so…sshdhdheeuuuurrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhdhsjsjshhaas that it gives you body dysmorphia

Real confidence rarely requires constant proof. If strength must be demonstrated repeatedly, what does that repetition reveal?

https://dualisticunity.com/when-insecurity-masquerades-as-strength/

I can’t shake the feeling that I completely understand Jenny’s behavior in the first season of Gossip Girl and can justify every action. In my life, I somehow always find myself rich friends or guys who all have their own business. I can understand her feeling when you don’t fit in with your surroundings so much that you are ready to do insane things just to reach that basic minimum (as it seems to you in your circle) so as not to be a “loser”

A bit about being insecure of my writing under the cut

I have had a bit of doubts about the Kevin intimacy fic…

First, it has a lot of words, but I fear it has too much repetition in it. If I use “soft skin” too many times, it starts to lose its meaning, right? Maybe I should try to describe it some other way or use a variety of synonyms to get the main point across. I’ve lately read some fics that paint such a vivid image of the story in my head. The adjectives are spot on, and it feels like everything in it feels just right and is worded correctly.

I know that the repetition is about to become one thing I’ll try to fix when editing the last chapters. But it easily tips into over-editing when I try to find the perfect way to say those things differently, more artistically or simply just better. I rewrite it again and again, never really being satisfied with it and doubting if the sentence is actually good or if it fits into the story at all.

I’ve also felt at times that I get so deep into the details that I can’t describe the general atmosphere there. I forget to pull back from time to time to describe something else that would connect Kevin’s inner thoughts and feelings to the outside and to Jakob and Axel. I’d like it to be a nice little package of perfectly balanced describing.

The second thing is, am I making this too complicated? Am I making Kevin’s problem bigger than it actually needs to be? Am I making this too dramatic?

There is something I don’t think I know how to put into words. It’s a feeling Kevin has. He’s insecure, he doesn’t think he deserves their love and on a subconcious level he also refuses to receive their love. It’s difficult to write about, and it’s difficult to explain. I just have this feeling without explanation that I use to write him like this, but I’m not sure if it comes across to the reader as I intended it to be or if it makes any sense at all. I hope that the reader isn’t feeling like Kevin doesn’t care about them after reading it. Have I shown Kevin loving them enough?

Third, because Kevin is my favourite, and I like to put him into situations, am I neglecting Jakob and Axel because of it? I fear that they are bland in the fic and that they don’t have their own characteristics or personality, just disappearing into the background. They’d just be two same people who say things to Kevin, because he’s the focus here.

Now I really understand the purpose of a beta-reader…

And now that everything is said out loud, it’s time for deep breaths and affirmations.

What comes to the detail and atmosphere and the way I write Kevin, Axel and Jakob, only with practice I get better at it. I shouldn’t stay and worry about this story. I should go forward to another stories where I can continue practicing this. Because if I stopped here to hopelessly try and make it perfect, I’d never succeed in it. Yes, yes, perfect is the enemy of done, or something like that that I read around here. What is written, is written.

Everyone will see this story in their own way. I can’t decide what the reader will feel, and if I aim for that, I lose the purpose of why I write in the first place. If I got caught up in trying to please all readers, I wouldn’t put myself to be the priority in terms of writing. I wouldn’t do it for myself anymore, and I’d have a miserable time… I have loved to explore these specific things in my fic that make me feel everything all at the same time and what I enjoy to read very much. Yes, I like chapter 4. Yes, I did write it. (I am very nervous about publishing that one….. I don’t even know what to say. Just something about me being shy about it and thinking if it’s okay to write something like that, and I know that to some people it won’t be a big deal at all and that they won’t feel the same way about it as I do, but I’m, just feeling very strongly about it.) Edit: Chapter 4 is consensual, it’s not dead dove. It’s just… a situation…?

Have I had fun while writing this? Fuck yes. Am I proud of all the times I was stuck, but still managed to push through and finish the chapters? YES. And now, after almost three months of writing, I get to share this wonderful piece of art with people. And people who will love it, will find it, read it and enjoy it. And that is enough for me.

Does anyone have weird insecurities? Or heard? I would like to know. Mine is that I am insecure about my visible veins. It’s because im pale and have low body fat.

my worst flaw by far is jealousy omfg. i adore my best friend sooooo much but when i see them sitting, talking, texting w another person? instead of me? bam. jealous. it makes my stomach twist and i just hate myself man. and now i’m the age that the older girls i looked up to were when younger me looked up to them. i am nowhere near as good as they were then and it HAUNTS ME.