For more than 16 years I just want to die. Please, please, please let me die at last.

Please…

Tw: depression & suicide

My favorite thing about tumblr is that when I search depression and suicide, I actually get depression and suicide content. Most social media platforms will just block it with a page that says “call the suicide hotline if you need help” or it’s filled with optimistic cheesy posts of “you matter” “the world is better with you in it🫶🏿”

That might work for some people but not me. When I’m the mood, sometimes I just want to ruminate and stew in my own self hatred and depression. Let it fester a little. It feels more natural to me than “it gets better” that’s pushed in other platforms. I get that they want to mitigate loss of life, but it just not what I want to hear personally.

I enjoy just hearing and relating to other people’s misery and struggles. The aches, the sadness, the emptiness, the tiredness, the rage, the toxicity, the spiraling. I enjoy putting myself in a negative loop. It’s just what makes sense to me. I know it’s not healthy but it feels right. It’s what I deserve I guess. The positivity just feels so fake and not true to me.

When I’m in the mood to feel worse about myself I know here is where I can go to wallow in self hatred in peace without someone trying to force me to be positive or reassure me “my life matters”.

*i have no current plans to commit suicide anytime soon so please don’t worry about me or feel the need to reach out. I just wanted write something down*

Another Fucking Double (SI Trigger Warning)

Worst part is they were a NONSHARING double close to my age. Now I feel like I can’t love William because of them!! I feel sick.

I think the universe hates me. I think that I am designed to be the universe’s chew toy.

And of course, nobody is ever gonna see or care about this. Because I am worthless and nothing I do matters.

I think I should just delete my blog at this point. Or better yet, delete myself.

Pain

Gotta do at least one original post per day, but right now the only thing I can handle is a vent post.

Trigger warnings: self-loathing, depression, SI, profanity

What’s even the point? Why do I even try?

All I do is fuck things up, even when I’m genuinely trying my best.

I’ve started an art class in college. The first day was yesterday. It was horrible. I am the worst artist out of literally everybody there. I tried to draw the scenario I described in an earlier post, but I could not do it justice. I draw like a toddler. For someone who has always loved drawing and has been trying it for over half their life, I am a REALLY bad artist.

I’m also not good at anything else. I’m a horrible student, a horrible friend, even a horrible FNAF fan.

I think I am broken beyond repair. I wish I could shoot myself in the skull or swallow a bottle of pills, but I’m too cowardly for that.

I want to bash my head over and over again until my liquified brain pours out my ear canals.

I want to be mauled to death by a pack of wild dogs.

Everyone says that this self-loathing is inaccurate, but they’re wrong. It’s SO goddamn easy for them to say that. They don’t have to be me. THEY aren’t losers.

There really is no god, is there? What god would create a piece of trash like me?

I think like all trash I need to be thrown away.

And as a final act of love I’m going to kill myself in front of your house.

Guys I need to hack off my somach with machete

I’ve got 5XL/6XL pants and they barely fit my fat ass

Like I know these sizes are fucked up bc they have 86 cm in waist (They are stretchy, no way I would fit anything without elastic) but still

Fuck I hate myself.

Why am I always missing somebody, who doesn’t miss me back…

Again

and again

and again…

the only person i could really ever truly hate is myself.

Why

I have an exam the day after tomorrow but tumblr ruined my life. Fudge you past me. You’re pathetic

TW: self harm, depression, sad

~

~

~

~

~

~

~

~

~

~

~

~

The first time, the knife called to me, it’s sweet words whisper to me, ‘its your fault, you mistake, you idiot…’ it rambles on and on. 'i will take the pain away’ it tells me…as I reach for the green box cutter slowly moving the blade out of the plastic jail it was in. I stared at my arm for maybe a minute, as I slowly sliced my arm. The tingles went up my arm, they felt comforting…safe and happy. Seeing the blood puff up slowly terrified me for a moment…but it was soothing to see all my mistakes going away from me. The knife slowly left from me it’s kind whispers now gone, yet the other whispers joined in, they had been harder to ignore…soon the others called for me, as I was in class that day, I sharpened my pencil…the whispers of the blade invaded my mind they repeated in my head of what I am, how much of a disappointment I am…I asked to be excused to go the bathroom. On the walk to there, I found a rock. I got into the bathroom happy it was empty. It was then I smashed the pencil sharpener, I picked the blade from the plastic. It wasn’t slow this time it was a bit quick…nothing happened…so I did again and again…it stopped once I saw the red rubies flowing down my wrist. The faint whispers became to silent. Those speaking of those who I have known, who pointed out everything wrong with me. Everything that isn’t wrong with me. It never ended…it got worse…the sweet whispers still haunt me to this day.

J..

I feel disconnected from myself again. It used to be good. I felt good. I hadn’t hurt myself for years. But today everything fell apart. All the hard work I put into myself, my toxic habits, my emotions? Gone.

Do I have to start over? I don’t feel strong enough. I hate it so much. I hate myself so much right now. I want to cut this self-hatred out of me. I feel unlovable, ugly. Unworthy of good things. I deserve every bad word, every bad feeling. I deserve to be alone.

Qué te pasa???

Lo que me pasa es que me quiero morir en mil pedazos por la mierda en la que me convertí de monstruo eso y mucho más tío

The Cia is throwing a party at this point

🖤 I will never fall in love again.

Because I hate myself.

And how could anyone love someone who looks in the mirror and only sees mistakes?

How could I believe your “forever” when I can’t even promise myself “tomorrow”?

I don’t want your flowers.

I’d just let them die like I do with everything good.

I don’t want your touch.

It only reminds me of the warmth I don’t think I deserve.

I’m tired of being the “almost” in someone else’s fairytale.

Tired of breaking silently while pretending I’m whole.

So no, I won’t fall in love again.

Not because of them.

But because I’m still trying to survive myself.

#vent #selfhate #lovequotes #darkpoetry #brokenheart #sadthoughts #emotionallyexhausted

Relapsed Yesterday.

Feel like trash today.

Es geht mir nicht gut..aber ich halte es aus, das ich es nicht aushalte..Ich falle in ein Loch ohne Boden, ich merke nur mir ist kalt und es ist dunkel und ich schreie, doch es passiert nichts.Es ist ein riesiges Chaos und die Stimmen in meinem Kopf kommen immer wieder. Sie sagen mir das ich niemandem gut tue, das ich eine Last bin, dass die, die ich liebe unter mir leiden und das es besser wäre wenn ich nicht hier wäre.. Eine nicht enden wollende Leere breitet sich in mir aus und gleichzeitig werde ich erdrückt - nein erstickt von meinen emotionen…

I’m told my problem is nobody hates me more than I do

I’ve spent pretty much my entire life with a deep-seated self-hatred and feeling unlovable. Only to discover online lgbt spaces and see that a lot of others have similar experiences/feelings. The internalized stuff will take years to unlearn. But it does help a little, to know that it’s not just me, that I’m not alone.