I matriculated up to junior high and everything slowly fell apart.

#adolescence #growingup #writer #sociology #autistic #outcast #unlovable

16) Junior High

Yeah, I know wrong, I know right
But I just love to pick a fight
And I can sleep with one eye open
If there’s any sleep at night
I got my knife, got my gun
Let’s see how fast you can run
You might think that you can hurt me
But the damage has been done

It’s pathetic I know, A jealous fool who won’t let go
If I was sorry for my actions, would I ever stoop so low?

I want to cut my breasts off again. Normally the symptoms of gender dysphoria are, like, fine. but the physical flashbacks to that nightmare of my bio dad sexually assaulting me are so horrible. I feel so horrible.

“我们的爱情啊。” by napdayo (source)

— The Blind Prince

My (21F) brother (19M) isn’t allowed to talk to me anymore and I don’t know how to handle the situation

Because I haven’t seen Tom in months, I hear everything about him through my mom, and she told me he has been diagnosed with mild depression and severe anxiety and has lost a significant amount of weight. Even though he tells our mom he is happy in his relationship, that doesn’t sound like someone who is happy. He also told our mom that he wants to talk to me but Courtney won’t let him see me. He is only allowed to talk to me once I apologise to Courtney, which I’m not doing.
I love my little brother so much and it genuinely hurts so much to not see him anymore. I have lost one of my best friends and I am so stuck on what to do. It hurts hearing my family say how great it is to catch up with him and I don’t even get a ‘hello’ off him. My mom suggested I go to one of Tom’s best friends (who is also weary of Courtney) and talk to him and see if he can get through to him. I have tried texting Tom but I always get left on opened.
How I handle this situation and get my brother back?

I’m so sorry. It’s a special kind of hell watching someone you love be abused. All you can do at this point is wait with open arms for him to be ready to leave and rekindle with you. I would definitely encourage you to keep therapy in mind for processing this situation.

THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR.
THIS IS NOT AN OPINION.
THIS IS COLD HARD FACTS.

IS THIS REACTION TO ABUSE?

IS THIS PROVOCATION?

When No Contact Looks Like Cowardice To People Who Never Lived Your Life

One of the cruelest things victims hear after going no contact is that they are “cowards,” “running away,” or “taking the easy way out.” The people who say this have no idea what it costs to walk away from your own blood, your own history, or the people you spent years trying to love into health. They do not know the nights you cried, the prayers you prayed, & the months or years you spent trying…

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Block the following tags if you do not want to see the following: #cw incest, #cw rape, #abuse, #trauma, #neglect, #personal. I feel like I need to say this somewhere that isn’t just my journal/notes app. There are explicit descriptions below.

Anyway. The fucking problem with having a dad who was repeatedly anally raped and terribly abused by his biological father is that he seems to have no fucking idea how to have a normal fucking relationship. I noticed he had tissues shoved up his nose and he made a “joke” about it being “really sexy” and “foreplay”. And sure, maybe saying it like this doesn’t sound so terrible, but it did feel explicitly sexual in the interaction. He has a long history of this - I picked up on the vibe, where it felt like he saw me as sort of like a “[word for female "romantic” partner]“. When my mom would go out of town he would want me to sleep in the same bed as him. Nothing physical happened. I’ve had nightmares for a very long time of him sexually assaulting me. I was once really sick and sleeping on a mat on the floor and he masturbated in the same room as me. When I was a kid there was an instance of him referring to my genitals as a "snatch”. Maybe this doesn’t sound that bad, but you don’t understand, what it’s like to live with someone who’s meant to be your dad having this pattern of behaviour and just picking up on a vibe that makes one convinced he’s going to rape you. That most recent nightmare felt so, so real I still get somatic flashbacks to it.

But my point is. As much as it made me so angry in retrospect, maybe I should be… something like glad he neglected me and refused to have a relationship with me. I think. Maybe he wouldn’t have actually done the physical acts, in the same way he only ever hit me maybe once as a kid, when his dad used to beat him with a belt. But… It’s just hypotheticals.

But anyway, I spoke to him a bit earlier and said, approximately, “I don’t want you to defend yourself to me, I don’t want you to debate me on this,” and then said I do not like it when he makes sexual comments to me, and that it did make me feel uncomfortable.

His sorries seem fucking worthless to me. He has a pattern, it well seems, of apologising and then doing the same fucking thing later on. He didn’t even say he wouldn’t do it again, apparently I’m just meant to infer that. I would like it more if he would explicitly state apologies and intentions to do better in the future outright. I’m thinking in the future I might tell him to say, explicitly, what he is sorry for. I was thinking earlier today about checking for comprehension when I inform him that something he did upset me, tell him to tell me his understanding of what I said, because in the past he’s had this fucking pattern of focusing on something off-topic to what I was talking about, apparently missing my point entirely (my theory is that he subconsciously ignores it on purpose) and then debating me on the off-topic subject that he brought up himself. When I was a kid he used to do this and then act like he’d “won”. It is incredibly fucking displeasing to attempt to debate me on my fucking feelings.

And he described to me some of the details of his abuse history with his biological father when I was, hmm, approximately 15 or so. My subjective resolution says I was an older child. And, sure, useful fucking data points. It was still a lot to describe to a child he had very little relationship with, without consent or my own querying.

He has a history of making extremely explicit sexual “jokes” and comments to me. Ugh. Somatic flashbacks. Might put this under a readmore, for my own safety. This fucking sucks. Covert incest sucks. I know what I’ve experienced and felt and picked up on, I have a history of being very intuitive and perceptive and observant, I just also feel like… God, what if someone thinks this “isn’t that bad”. I KNOW it was bad. I know how it made me feel. And comparing trauma to try to say one “is worse” isn’t useful for healing. Go fuck yourself if you’re going to be a derisive asshole about someone’s personal trauma history. Better yet, consider reflecting on why you feel the need to affirm to yourself that you are “superior” by inventing reasons why someone else would be “lesser”.

Ugh. Might re-watch more of the Tenth Doctor. I love that guy. What a guy. ❤️

My mom hated her. She hated that I liked her. She hated parent teacher conferences. She hated hearing that the book I wrote in class was about Dad’s suicide. I think my mom thought my teacher was gay. #children #masking #pain #sociology #psychology #writer #suicide #school #family

15) Starting Over- Revisited

another big scandal at my school. Well this ones not funny. but during my last semester of senior year another senior got caught on video beating up his girlfriend at this restaurant across the street. fully in public no hesitation (hence why there was a bunch of phone recordings) and some other students had to step in and idr if anyone actually called the police but it was a huge deal. So yeah idk something about fancy college prep schools just turns teen boys into sickopaths

My husband “quit” drinking for me but it might not be enough 34F 36M

I 34F, and my Husband 39M, have been together for 12 years married for 7. Early on in our relationship I knew he was an alcoholic, but it was never really a problem. He didn’t get drunk daily and when he did he would get a bit sloppy but nothing major.
Something happened to him personally about 5 years in, right after we got married (I wont get into details as it may identify us and I don’t need that) and ever since then his drinking increased, and when he would get drunk he would get really mean.
It never got physical but he would say incredibly nasty things to me. He would call me all sorts of names, tell me he hates and many, many other things. It got so bad that every time I saw him with a drink in his hand my entire body would tense up, my heart would race, I would feel physically ill.
A little over a year ago I told him I was done. I said he needed to quit drinking and get some help or our relationship was over. I’m generally not a fan of ultimatums but I felt like I had no other choice.
Since then, he has not really quit drinking but he has slowed down drastically. He has not gotten drunk now since October 2024. He will have a few drinks here and there but he has not gotten drunk. He has not gotten any help as he doesn’t believe in therapy.
The thing is, even though he hasn’t gotten drunk in over a year, I still get that same feeling every time I see a drink in his hand. It just completely sours my mood and I shut down.
So I guess here is my question. I am considering leaving him but I feel like it would make me a shitty person to leave him now after he has significantly cut back his drinking for me, but I also don’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I know he will never go to therapy and I know he will never stop drinking completely. So how do I move forward here? Do I stay with him and just get some help myself? Or do I move on even though he made a big change for me?

He…didn’t even meet any of your expectations, though??? He’s still drinking, and he has not gotten help. Those were literally your two expectations, and he’s failed both of them. You should follow through with your ultimatum and leave. Tbh, I think it’s pretty wild you knowingly married an alcoholic in the first place simply because you thought it didn’t impact you (alcoholism absolutely impacted his physical health, his mental health, and the relationship before he became abusive). I definitely think you should get help for yourself to sort through all this. Be prepared that you’re probably gonna hear about a PTSD diagnosis at this point. Good luck.

mmm modern au azoth definitely smacks antim a lot and even if most of them arent that hard (he doesnt want it to be bad enough for antim to go to their mother) she still kind of learns to keep her distance from him. its not really a habit he picked up from their mom tho, he intentionally does things agatha would do to him because he believes antim isnt punished enough.

i have to get out of this house soon, my car is falling apart but im so upset. i dont want to ask them for help because they’ll just hold it over my head for ransom

abusive parent told me i only pay for gas 🤪 and how do i only have $700 (now $400 as i just paid my car payment)

that i should have more money than that

she told to buy my own stuff because she just cant afford it

so i pay for my

• car payment

• car insurance

• Spotify

• groceries (that are getting more expensive because of inflation)

• phone bill

basic necessities ex toilet paper tooth brush deodorant etc

but if i say in detail what i have to buy and i dont only buy just gas and ask rhetorically if she would buy all the other stuff she’ll tell me im a bad person and that i have to buy it all. and she would scream at me and tell me its my fault

i hate it here

I (35F) feel stuck in a loop with my bf (36M) of 16 years, is this it forever?

Every time I bring up a problem of any kind, we enter this tit for tat argument that eventually gets turned back on me and I end up fighting my own corner. I am exhausted. I have dysautonomia/POTS so my heart rate and breathing rate vary wildly and can flare me up particularly when stressed. We have a child, a house, we broke up last year and are trying again but this time round I just don’t know if I have it in me to fight for us. I think I would prefer to be on my own but the thoughts of not having my child with me full time truly kills me. Bringing up something simple and am being met with “but you do X” or “if I did that you would X”.. if he’s being rude or moody with our child, I call him out on it and am then called a hypocrite because apparentlyi do the same thing, which i don’t. The subject is changed or deflected. I just can’t do this anymore. When hes snippy he’s saying he’s not. Then a day later he’s telling me “I was snippy because you did X” after spending literal days gaslighting me telling me he wasnt snippy. We tried couples therapy before and the therapist said he couldn’t believe the level of defensiveness from my bf. He will not do therapy on his own. I’m sorry if this isn’t structured properly I’m just so fucking exhausted and I feel lost and stuck and honestly heartbroken thinking of leaving my child. I only have a couple of friends because we’re completely enmeshed. I feel like this just doesn’t sit well with me anymore. He’s starting fights right before we have to leave for parties or events, he’s telling me consistently that it’s me that’s the problem or it’s the lens I’m seeing it through, making my reality feel like it’s not my own. Maybe it is me but I don’t have it in me to fight my corner anymore. My child is 5 and I can’t do this, I’m just broken and feel permanently stuck in a loop fighting with this man. Starting couples therapy again. I’m in therapy a long time. I just want peace.

Please stop trying couples counseling with you and your child’s abuser. It only makes abuse worse.

Whumper that hits whumpee and apologises profusely to gain their trust, only to repeat it. They give any excuse. Whumpee knows that they likely deserved it though.

So many girls talk about wanting a mommydom to adopt them or at least play with them for a bit, but they always mean it in this sort of soft, excapist, comforting sorta way. theres nothing wrong with that of course, and it makes sense right? theres something comforting in losing your autotomy and turning off your brain, only to be embraced with love for it. Showering a caring yet overbearing maternal figure in your devotion, and to receive overwhelming love in kind. its sweet and cute.

i don’t see enough girls begging for a mommydom to hurt them in a way only a mother could though. don’t you remember how scary it felt being a child? unable to choose or make choices for yourself? feeling the constant frustration and loathing emanating off of the adults around you, unsure of what’s so wrong about you? why did they seem to detest you so much? why can’t you figure out how to change yourself so they’ll love you again? why isn’t she talking to you anymore? why does she bother taking care of you if she dislikes you so much? how could you ever make it up to her? why are you so rotten inside? you’re a terrible daughter. maybe if you try hard enough to please her, you’ll get some pity praise. maybe if you don’t make a scene about her talking to her friends about how shit you are with you in the room, she’ll show you attention later. maybe, if you thank her deeply enough for beating you to tears, and degrade yourself enough for being a failure, then maybe, just maybe, she’ll speak just a little bit softer the next day.

i love you mom, i’m sorry. i promise I’ll be good. I’m sorry. i’m sorry. please don’t hate me. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry.

It takes a long time, but eventually you just get used to the heartbreak and devastation.