I have nightmares a lot, but one of my most memorable ones was a demon chewing out my eyeballs. It was a dog type thing but not Marchosias. Might have been some form of Marbas?

People who live without sight are incredible, btw. They usually have rich inner lives and care more about what life feels like to them than what it looks like to others. It’s refreshing.

My best friend Bobbi is going to be completely blind someday.

That being said, I have a deep fear of losing my sight because of all the things I like to read. I know audiobooks are a thing, but I don’t want to be limited to what is recorded.

It seems like a lot to grieve.

I don’t know how I would handle it if I lost the ability to see or one of my limbs. I know all lives have meaning, but I highly value whatever little independence I get.

If anyone would like to help me out whilst my life falls apart around me.

I do take art commissions. My art blog is @thecouchmimic

You can DM me on either blog.

I currently have a lot of free time on my hands whilst I apply to jobs so I can get to them very quickly 👍

So I still am not able to go back to work

I am either going to be forced to find a new job or forced to travel about an hour each way to work at a different location instead of my current commute of less than 10 minutes.

I’m considering asking to drop my accommodation request (literally just asking for a chair at the register so I can sit during transactions) simply so I can still afford to live whilst I look for a new job that can accommodate me, but I doubt that would work.

I miss my job. I miss my coworkers. I miss my regular customers.

I am just so exhausted by all of this.

everytime I go out I have to choose between back pain and leg pain because my wheelchair has like zero back support

Man so a real problem I have in dealing with my CPTSD is that I am a big melodramatic bitch and I love self-mythologizing.

I’ll catch myself sitting around like, oh I don’t have autism. I don’t even have schizophrenia. I’m not crazy. The world is crazy. No, what happened to me was, my daddy never raised me, and I had a problematic age gap yaoi relationship with my primary school principal. While the other kids were learning to smile and laugh and experience joy from basic social interaction over YuGiOh cards and Tamagotchis, I was learning, heh… I was learning that men will love you and leave you.

Now I cruise this sick and neon-drenched imaginary city in my imaginary car, sheets of imaginary rain pouring down the windshield. It doesn’t obscure my vision. I see through the blur with a laser focus honed by trauma and profound awareness of corruption. Sometimes I let a cigarette burn all the way down to my fingerless gloves just to feel something. I miss my imaginary dead wife.

And y'know like I have to do something normal and neurotypical like speedrun Resident Evil 2 or write a 5, 000 word essay about 1950s Batman comic books to work this weird thought process out of my system, or I become fucking insufferable for a whole week.

the “oh fuck fuck fuck shit shit im gonna faint oh god why didn’t i go to the doctor last month what the fuck im gonna faint i need to lay down” moodboard. self indulgent youre never gonna guess why

Hey, so this update also causes accessibility issues.

Often, when people have undescribed media in their posts, people will reblog with a description in a comment and ask the OP to edit the description into their post. Great, right?

Except if the OP won’t see anything not reblogged from the original post, there is no chance they’ll be able to edit the description in.
And if the new etiquette becomes to avoid adding commentary in reblogs, describers may come under fire for accessibility.

I genuinely hate this update so much.

Hey any disabled friends out there that have a Visible Band that could tell me if its worth it?

My amazing mother has offered to buy it for me but I feel bad asking her to spend nearly 200$ a year on a membership that might not even help.

I have chronic pain that is suspected EDS, Vasavagualr syncope, and some kind of chronic fatigue issues.

Any insight for me?

Name(s): Emery • Pronouns: He/Him

Queer: Gay, Trans, Ace-Spec, Ambiamorous

Disabled/Chronically Ill + Neurodivergent

Pet Dad • Artist • Polytheist • Artist

Interests/Likes: jjk, tshd, heated rivalry, crafts, photography, writing, reading queer romance, making gifts, quality time, nature, + more

Music: Sleep Token, Ghost, Citizen Soldier, SkyDxddy, Ricky Montgomery, Arrows in Action, YUNGBLUD, FELICITY, Baby Fisher, Annabelle Dinda, Conan Gray, Chappell Roan, and more!

Personal Tags:

#tokenghesties - bestie tag w @/ii-iii-iv

#emery’s song of the day - my sotd posts

i think i need to get my clothes boxed up. i haven’t worn any of my old clothes since october. i exist only in a long sleeve cotton shirt and comfortable lounge-wear trousers (and they also work as suitable clothing for appointments)

i don’t really know how to process this because my fashion was a staple of my identity expression (alongside my hair) and losing both manners of expression feels really unbalancing

not to mention they’re now all too big for me since malnutrition started.

Any other neurodivergent people have wild experiences with clowns?

Dude, I have a vivid memory from when I was a kid; There were clowns performing in the hospital waiting room. I had terrible social anxiety, so I wanted to avoid them, but I failed.

One clown walked up to me, jokingly handed me a prop pair of underpants, and said: “Hey, could you hold this for me?”

And my literal-minded self shrugged, and very flatly said: “Ok.” Tried to actually take them, and he wouldn’t let me. Everyone laughed and thought it was hilarious.

I didn’t understand why it was funny. I was so embarrassed and ashamed the rest of the day.

In hindsight, though, it was funny af. My neurodivergent ass was too neurodivergent for the clowns. Poor guys. They tried their best😭😂

“Fun” part of being rose/aroaceflux is when you can tell you’re (probably) in the process of fluctuating, but you don’t know like. What. you are at any given moment. And it’s worse when The Disabilities are acting up, because… am I fluxing back to aroace or am I just ace or am I just THAT fatigued? What’s going on?

(Looking at my crotch) Kowalski, status report.

I don’t think people realize how isolating narcolepsy is. Today I took a ‘nap’ that lasted 3 and a half hours, this is *short* for me (my normal is 5-6 hour 'naps’) and I wake up, and get back to what I was doing before falling asleep only to go out in kitchen and see literally half the kitchen moved around while cleaning and while I’m thankful it’s clean, it also hurts because I should’ve been helping and talking with my parents as they cleaned rather then sleeping, even though I know I physically need that extra sleep

I have made a Throne wishlist. I want to buy an acoustic guitar since I will be a SAHM beginning next month. This is not totally my choice; I am diagnosed with OCD, PTSD, ADHD, and AvPD and haven’t been able to keep jobs.

If anyone can help contribute towards the purchase, it is GREATLY appreciated! My husband said we can buy one next month, but he wants me to get a good one between $400 and $500 and not go too cheap.

Please repost my Throne wishlist in case anyone can help.

Thank you.

i just went swimming for the first time in….i wanna say over a decade?

i try to move my body intentionally and mindfully, which is very difficult with chronic pain bc all i can think is “owowowowow” but i managed to swim for about 30 minutes and walked home.

this is following some recommendations from both my GP and a rheumatologist i recently saw. while i’m in the process of being evaluated for fibromyalgia and whatever else may be causing me pain, i should be treating myself like i have fibro to see if any of the tools help. one such suggestions for exercise is swimming bc it’s very low impact. and while im not sure how im feeling in relation to it versus my hypermobility, i do feel really good after this one time. so hopefully ill be able to continue?

love playing phone tag with disability supports 🫠

What do you mean it’s not normal to be able to sunscreen my entire back?

What do you mean my thumb being double jointed isn’t just a fun quirk?

What do you mean people are horrified by the way I can almost do praying hands behind my back and how I can twist my arms inward so my elbows stick straight ahead of me?

What do you mean hypermobility could be why my nervous system is in pain all the time?

Ive spent so much money on vet visits recently for my service dog with her ear infection and her penchant for trouble. We’re about to start rehab therapy for her because she rattled her back leg again and I am….tired. I’m running on empty.

I have to pay $200 a week before the appointment to hold her spot and thats money we dont have bc I dont get paid UNTIL the appointment. I dont like to ask for help, but my part of the state had the most expensive utility bills of the tri state and most people cant afford to live here anymore and im barely getting by on a social worker salary. She gets everything I have. Ive went without several days because of her. If youd wanna help us out itd be super cool.

my cashapp is $nebulaeed

you can also use my ko-fi if you want

Buy tuptastic a Coffee

I feel gross asking idk im just. Im so exhausted im trying so hard every day just to get by shes my world and every year its stuff out of our control with high vet costs. I cant save enough to keep up. I can match the annuals and the preventatives but I cant keep up with stuff like this. I still havent caught up with the cardiologist last year.

i have a week left at my place. an almost dead car battery one second away from another breakdown, no money, no opportunities, being blocked on every front. hardly any food left, chronic pain injuries from being almost beaten to death and blamed for it then gaslighted and further abused in the medical system, support system and “family” abandoned me, single rescue puppy mom, chronically malnourished for years.

EVERY PENNY OR REBLOG LITERALLY HELPS SAVE MY LIFE.

i literally may be in the last week of my life here.

gofundme pinned at the top of my page. sigh, im screaming into a void and this is my cemetary.

Austin Laroche

did just wonderful job on the eulogy for his big sister Lindsey yesterday. the social group her parents started truly made me feel like I belonged somewhere. I find myself wearing the next stop hoodie around where I live.

Find your angel and just enjoy their company. We need you as much you need us.