AAAAAAA IT IS IT’S MILK i’d been thinking it was happening for a few days and there was a tiny bit earlier today but now there is like a proper amount of MILK coming out of MY TITS I’m Lactating AAAAAAAAAAAAA HRT IS MAGICHOLY SHIT
ps flirty sapphic blogs you have more than my permission to be weird and horny about this at me wait what who said that
PSA - this post isn’t meant to discourage anyone awaiting to transition, everyone’s journey is different and my feelings regarding my transition shouldn’t impact yours; im just posting in the hopes someone will relate/feel less alone.
i’ve been on testosterone for a year now and i still feel so far away. so far away from my male peers, from my goals, from my own body.
i’ve always felt this sort of disembodiment and i thought that with time and transition it would fade away but it’s growing stronger and im so FED UP with it.
i know gender is abstract and in a way slippery but i wish i could grasp even a crumb of constant and confidence in my identity without needing to have surgeries or hormones, i wish i could have the strength to be me with the body i was given.
I want a boyfriend!!!!
Ugh!!! I know dishonor for me and my entire family for wanting a man, but I do!
I’m pan and fuck! I want him big and strong idk larger than life type of thing, but I also want him gentle and caring and sweet. I know what an oxymoronic thing to want. I want his hands wrapping around my body, and I want to be his. 😭
I want to look up at him and his stupid mustache or beard and just kiss him.
I’m pathetic. 😣
ALTThe kids should fucks with me for my graphic and retouching skill alone.
But their loss.
My niece sent me a selfie she took, and I saw a heavy Boricua influence, which of course I leaned into with our Marcie From Da Block album parody of a certain large derrière and never seeming to age. I love that she is coming into her womanhood more and more and learning how to change up her style. She had a tendency to be more in a racially ambiguous space which lent itself to her mixed heritage, but part of her heritage is Puerto Rican nothing wrong with looking like a Latina chic.
ALT
ALTI also did a light retouch/crop of the photo she sent me and then let the AI take a pass at creating a remix album-cover.
Curiously I am enhancing our text all the time with either a graphic I have created using Canva, since I don’t have ready access to Photoshop anymore, I find I can make Canva do the little things I want to do with some teasing.
The next thing I have been trying to gently push her towards is all the different body augmentations that women use, make up, acrylic fingernails, wigs, corsets, pantyhose. The child is going through this phase of not wanting to add anything unnaturally to her form, like electrolysis comes from the organic farm, but I am gonna let her rock. Hopefully she will get there eventually. I think half the fun of being a woman is all the things you can play with around that, realizing not one of them takes away from your womanhood.
[Photos courtesy of the Brown Estate]
I read the article, the reason for halting it is because “it can deepen the voice” if ur on T or “cause breast growth” if ur on E. which is exactly what trans teens want. they’re stopping it because it works? ok.
i be out here stroking my sparse lil chin hairs that don’t even show up on camera
I’ve been on low dose T for over a year now and I STILL go through this exact cycle continually at random intervals:
“What is this weird ass thing happening to my body? What is going on? Am I dying?”
A quick google:
… can be a symptom of hormone fluctuation…
…. often a sign of perimenapause….
… often caused by hormonal imbalance….
Sigh.
i dont know how this is happening but ive had the energy and function to change my bedding, wash clothes soiled cause of period leak, throw those into the washing machine, AND vacuum my whole suite and im still feeling okay.
god im gonna be unstoppable medicated.
shit i should call the pharmacy about that actually
oh also my period flow is way less so im hopeful it’ll stop altogether soon.
Being trans and ex catholic leads to funny thoughts in my head sometimes. I realised today that I can, with dry eyes, tell a Christian that it was in gods plan for me to transition.
You see, I realised that I used to pray that I would wake up as a girl when I was young. Obviously it never happened because I am doing it through hormones. When I started getting older I started having a harder time with life. I got pretty low, but I stuck around, and I tried bettering myself. I worked on myself (and still do) and started improving. And at some point I drove by a wedding dress store. I had driven past this store plenty of times of times before with everything thinking that much about it. But that time something in my brain was pushed, and I started questioning. This lead me down the path I am today.
If god is that all caring like it is said he is, and wants to best for me. I can accept that that could have been him giving me a small nudge to help me on my path. And that he (or she) did it at that time because it would be a burden I could shoulder at that time, only because I worked so hard on myself. Why did he not put me on this earth female then? I don’t know. What I do know is that it has let me to a lot of insights that I would not have had as a cis human.
But who knows, the lord works in mysterious ways after all.
I was supposed to have surgery today but I got sick and now I’m just….. Seething quietly at home. I’m pissed at myself but it’s not gonna happen again. I got super lucky and got a new surgery date in one month so Im not gonna fuck it up this time. No chances, no risks. I’m staying away from people if I can help it. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks.
It’s my hysto, which I’m both very excited and extremely scared about. I’m doubly scared of the way in which just this week the first adult trans medical care ban got passed, albeit not where I live. It’s certainly added an extra sense of urgency.
Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks. Just 4 more weeks.
i am a lot like Ariel, you see, i am finally getting the body i want but i cannot sing anymore
i dont believe that you need medical intervention to be trans.
however, this is my experience being trans and going on hormones.
when i was a teen in the 2010s mtf and ftm were basically the only terms i had access to for information on being transgender. transexual was already out of vogue and ftm/mtf binary terms were on their way out too, making room for non binary identities and non medical transitions and thats all well and good. i was non binary for about a decade and i loved it.
i think i felt like ashamed to use ftm because i wasnt ready to accept being male.
like i had a very typical knew i was transgender before i knew the word, felt trapped in the wrong body etc. type of dysphoria but denied myself masculinity because it was so taboo not only systemically, but also online in this age of progress when it came to new terms for things.
the push away from ftm being used also kind of, erased transmasculinity from my perception because instead of videos tagged ftm, most of what i watched was crossdressing cosplayers which, in itself is a valid form of transgender expression, but i think the costume/drag makeup aspect of it kind of screwed with my brain a bit.
i kind of fell into makeup from cosplay and then got swept into “slay them with your eyeliner” type white feminism and ended up recloseting myself for several years. even under the label of nonbinary i was still very fem presenting and got treated as woman liteTM.
and now, ive been on T for like a year, i dont wear makeup anymore, i have facial hair i dont pluck, and acne that i dont cover up anymore,
and i feel so much less judgemental about my looks. my body has changed, my voice has changed, the way i walk had even changed cause i wear a binder almost everyday now.
and i think that ftm resonates with me again because i really am changing from female to male. like its not just in my head!
i have removed literal organs and body parts, and may even add some in the future.
i am literally building myself a new body.
i am not only a man, i am male. thats awesome
A lot of people, transphobes and even some trans people (internalised transphobia is a thing), think the desire to transition is inherently connected to self hatred. I disagree. It might grow out of it as a person might question why they feel so bad about life and themselves. But I think accepting and following the desire to transition in any way roots in self love.
Speaking from personal experience: I hated myself, other people, the world, everything. Puberty, yk. I could see no future for myself. And then I got better. I went and got myself a therapist and discovered that I could envision myself a future if I had it in me to accept myself and reject societies expectations (and started working through some other issues). I did the work and fell in love with myself and life and the world. And surgery and HRT made it a lot easier for me. It didn’t fix all issues, but it put me in a generally more relaxed state of mind and being.
So here, have this:
ALT
ALT
