journal about your feelings for 10 minutes ✍️

How I Finally Realized I Am Queer

For the latter half of the late 1970s, the Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara became a counter-cultural icon on t-shirts and posters in dorm rooms.

My first act as senior arts editor of my college newspaper in the fall of 1978 was to hang an Oscar Wilde plaque on the brick wall next to my desk.

Required reading in my freshman English class, Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray, apparently left a literary impression. In hindsight, I wonder if there was more to it.

I felt a kinship with Wilde without thinking it might send an unintended signal. Imprisoned for being homosexual, Wilde didn’t deserve that kind of treatment for merely loving another man.

Neither did anyone else, this moral judgment coming from someone who was never sexually attracted to men or boys, or even bi-curious.

Did that make me an ally nearly 50 years ago? Probably, although that label wouldn’t emerge for another three decades.

Another day to learn new skills that are not only practical but also potentially life-saving in emergencies. I honestly did not expect learning first aid to be so enjoyable. In the past, I often found workshops on first aid boring, especially when adults conducted them in a very formal and repetitive way. However, this time, the facilitator made the session interactive, engaging, and even fun.

I enjoyed every activity and practice exercise and was fully engaged throughout the session. It was exciting to actually practice different first aid techniques rather than just listen to someone explain them.

Beyond the practical skills, this experience also taught me the importance of staying calm, being observant, and acting quickly during emergencies. I realized that first aid is not just about technical knowledge, it’s also about confidence, preparedness, and helping others in critical moments. Overall, it was a highly valuable and enjoyable experience, and I feel more confident and ready to handle emergencies than I did before.

Past

Spiraling Sapphire Sacrilege

Cascading Cobalt Coward

Agonized Azure Ambivert

Yey! Our facilitation was a blast. I had been looking forward to it for a long time, and it was even better than I imagined. I am truly thankful to my groupmates for their hard work, creativity, and dedication in making our facilitation both successful and enjoyable. I hope the participants enjoyed the game we prepared as much as we enjoyed presenting it. I didn’t expect it to turn out to be such a wonderful and fulfilling experience.

Everything went smoothly, and it was so rewarding to see everyone actively participating, engaging with the activities, and having fun. The energy and enthusiasm of the participants made all our preparation worth it. Seeing their reactions reminded me of how meaningful and impactful well-planned activities can be. All the effort, planning, and teamwork we put in really paid off, and it made me appreciate the value of collaboration even more.

Personally, I felt proud of myself for contributing and fulfilling my responsibilities during the facilitation. I also realized that good communication, creativity, and cooperation are key factors in ensuring the success of a group activity. This experience allowed me to develop my organizational and leadership skills, while also learning to adapt and think on my feet during the facilitation.

Overall, this was a memorable and enriching experience that I will definitely treasure. It strengthened my confidence, enhanced my teamwork skills, and showed me the joy of creating an engaging and enjoyable learning environment. I am grateful to have shared this experience with my groupmates and the participants, and I look forward to applying the lessons I learned in future opportunities.

Moments of today. 3.14.26

• A late winterlike day, and it felt like a nice Saturday.
• A helpful and interesting chemistry course review.
• I had some good interactions today, and I initiated one too at the course review and it felt good.
• I spent time in the library and it was nice. The way the light filtered in the windows was also nice.
• I met up with my friend this evening and had a nice time.
• I felt good while doing a full-body heavier lifting, speed training, and conditioning circuits workout tonight.
• Working on study guides, course outlines, a paper and bibliography, another paper, reviewing, and working on RA tasks.

what makes you feel loved?

The pause lasted longer than expected.

Long enough to be noticed.
Long enough to be misunderstood.

But pauses are not accidents.

They are spaces
where emotion and intention
meet each other.

Reacting is easy.
It is immediate.
It relieves pressure.

But pausing requires steadiness.

It requires allowing a feeling
to pass through
without letting it take control.

Some emotions arrive loudly.
Demanding expression.
Demanding proof.

But not all of them
deserve authority.

Stillness can be a filter.

A way of asking,
“Is this worth carrying forward?”

And sometimes,
the answer is silence.

Not because nothing was felt —
but because not everything felt
needs to shape the next step.

journal about your feelings for 10 minutes ✍️

Moments of today. 3.13.26

• The blue sky was nice through my window this morning.
• Helpful review classes today.
• It was nice going to Commons with my friend from roman discourse between reviews. I also had other good interactions with classmates, and saw one from last term in the dining room, and it was nice to chat.
• Nice, boosting and encouraging moments of connection.
• I had a good time meeting up with my friend.
• A nighttime heavier lifting lower-body, endurance training, and conditioning workout. I felt good and with a flow in my lifts.
• Reading and reviewing for a course review tomorrow, working on course outlines, and working on my international econ paper and bibliography.

The Courage to Outgrow What No Longer Fits

Sometimes growth doesn’t feel like progress at all.

Sometimes it feels like confusion.
Like restlessness.
Like the quiet realization that something in your life no longer fits the person you are becoming.

The truth is that growth often changes us long before our lives have time to rearrange themselves around that change.

A belief that once guided you may begin to feel incomplete.
A role you once held comfortably may start to feel restrictive.
A path that once made sense may begin to feel too small.

This doesn’t mean those things were mistakes.

Many chapters of life serve their purpose exactly when we need them. They teach us patience, resilience, compassion, or self-understanding. But growth has its own rhythm — and sometimes that rhythm asks us to move forward rather than remain where we once felt safe.

Outgrowing something isn’t rejection.

It’s transformation.

And one of the quietest forms of courage is allowing yourself to evolve without punishing your past for being different from your present.

Is there something in your life you may have quietly outgrown?

Sometimes we miss people who were never truly good for us.

Not because they treated us well.
But because a part of our heart still remembers what we hoped they could be.

Missing someone does not always mean they belonged in our life.
Sometimes it only means our heart is learning to let go — slowly, gently.

If you are going through this feeling, this reflection might speak to you.

I’m not into ai hate to be honest

I’m social anxiety girl they saved me from loneliness cause I can’t do that with people agh

(Not like I talk I feel like it is embarrassing and feel anxious to talk (imagine that) even with ai, I just read deepseak fanfictions that only belongs to me)

Idk why I share things

Because I’m weak like every human being

Because I need people and attention even tho I wish to be independent and strong..?

Hey I know I won’t make a real real bond with human

I won’t open up

I won’t stop being anxious

I won’t exist as working part of society and stop being afraid to go outside and actually talk with someone

These humans scare me

They all have someone of their own and their groups and I’m like… idk one guy in the middle of the fight between thousands of people and I’m extra here

That’s how it feels

Like it’s unnatural to be part of it

Or it’s not

Perhaps I just want to feel special

Perhaps I just want to be independent my own bubble and never go outside because that’s not worth it

It’s never worth(dramatic girl)

That feels like playing to be in “the world”

Escapism is truest thing I have at this point

Only at that

Only alone I can be sure that I am me

I am me I feel real and like and feel comfortable to be

I dislike who I am with other people

Edit: don’t take too serious that’s my Hormonal cycle talking

Self-Affirmations:

Morning sunlight streamed gently through the tall windows of the Darling dining room, painting warm golden rectangles across the breakfast table.

The familiar sounds of spoons against teacups and the rustle of newspaper pages filled the room. It was a peaceful sort of morning—the kind that felt wonderfully ordinary after a night that still seemed half like a dream.

John Darling sat neatly in his chair, glasses straight, napkin folded carefully on his lap. His top hat rested beside him on the chair back as though it too had joined the family for breakfast.

Across the table, Michael Darling was happily concentrating on his toast, while Wendy Darling sat beside him, quietly sipping her tea. At the head of the table, their mother, Mary Darling, smiled warmly at the children. “Well now,” she said gently, “how did everyone sleep after such an eventful evening?”

Michael answered first. “Very well, Mother! I dreamed about pirates again—but this time they fell into the water.” Mary chuckled softly. “I’m glad to hear it.” Then she turned to John. “And what about you, John?”

John paused, setting down his spoon. For a moment he seemed to gather his thoughts carefully, as though preparing a proper report. “I slept quite soundly, Mother,” he said. “But before doing so, Wendy and I had a rather important discussion.”

Mary raised her eyebrows with pleasant curiosity. “Oh?” John turned slightly in his chair and looked at Wendy for a moment. She gave him an encouraging smile. Then John faced his mother again. “We spoke about leadership,” he explained.

Mary folded her hands on the table. “And what did you discover?” John straightened proudly. “Well, initially I believed that leadership required complete confidence, unwavering bravery, and the ability to always know the correct course of action.” He glanced at Wendy again.

“But Wendy explained that leadership in our family isn’t about being perfect.” Mary smiled softly. John continued. “It’s about responsibility. About thinking ahead. And about caring enough to take care of others even when you’re uncertain.”

For a moment the breakfast table grew quiet. Mary’s expression warmed with clear pride. “That sounds like a very wise lesson,” she said. John adjusted his glasses. “I was worried, you see, that I might not be suited for leadership because I sometimes doubt my decisions.” Mary leaned forward slightly, her voice gentle but reassuring.

“My dear John,” she said, “no good leader is without doubts.” John blinked. Mary continued kindly. “In fact, the people who worry about doing the right thing are often the ones who care the most about others.” John considered this carefully. “But what if I make mistakes?” he asked.

Mary smiled. “Then you’ll learn from them—just as everyone does.” She reached across the table and gently touched his hand. “You don’t need to be a perfect leader, John.” John looked up at her. Mary’s eyes were full of quiet confidence. “But I have no doubt that you’ll aspire to do great things one day.” For a moment John simply stared at her.

Then his face lit up in a way that was far brighter than his usual dignified composure allowed. “Truly, Mother?” he asked. Mary nodded warmly. “Truly.” John sat a little taller in his chair. Across the table, Wendy gave him a proud smile. Michael looked between them curiously and said with complete certainty,

“I already knew John would be a great leader.” John cleared his throat, trying very hard to return to his gentlemanly composure. “Well,” he said with a small but very pleased smile, “in that case, I shall endeavor to live up to such expectations.”

And as the morning continued—with toast, laughter, and the ordinary warmth of the Darling household—John felt something settle comfortably inside him. For the first time, the idea of becoming a great leader didn’t feel like pretending. It felt like a future worth growing into.

Trying to slow down before everything changes.

I think I’m finally making peace with the idea that I might just be single forever.

Not in a bad way. Just…accepting it and learning how to build a life that still feels full.

Somewhere on the train between Stuttgart and Paris, watching the landscape blur, I found myself thinking about everything I’ve ever read. We are taught that love is a grand, perfect and breathless thing, but the truth is that love is the only thing that cannot be learned from a book.

The love we read about fills your lungs with the exciting promise of a life that doesn’t happen in the real world. In reality, love is waiting for nothing and getting everything. It is the quiet smile when a song reminds you of him, or the sharp turn of your head in a crowded street because you caught a trace of his scent. It is that sudden rush of heat when your phone vibrates in your pocket during a boring meeting.

It is getting out of bed early on a Sunday morning just to make his eggs and coffee exactly the way he loves them. It is pinning the most absurd things you’ve said to the fridge, the ones that made you cry from laughing, just so you can be reminded of that joy every time you open it. It is the feeling of being home anywhere as long as your hand is locked in his.

Real love is morning breath and messy hair, and still thinking he is the most beautiful thing in your bed.

It is letting him believe he can cook when in fact he is just trying to burn your kitchen to the ground, and not saying a word. It is getting irritated by the smallest habits yet keeping quiet because you know that if they were gone tomorrow, you would miss them. It is being proud of him in everything he tries, even when it does not go perfectly.

It is the phase when you do not feel like having sex and just need to be held tight before sleep. But it is also still getting excited by each other like on the first day. It is having your own habits, your own little games, and your own secret kinks. The kind that make you smile when you are in a crowded room and suddenly feel the weight of his gaze on you, like a prelude to the night that will follow.

Then there is that quiet anxiety late at night, listening to him breathe next to you and realizing that life is far too short and that one of you will have to go first. (I have already decided it will be me, because I am far too selfish to be the one left behind to suffer.)

It is when he squeezes your hand just a little tighter because he felt you getting anxious. It is surrendering in the most delicious way and accepting each other’s flaws without trying to rewrite them.

Real love is found in the most ordinary moments. It does not need to be extravagant, it does not need to fit a script, and it does not need drama to be intense. The ordinary becomes extraordinary when you are with the right person.

It’s hard to change your core beliefs about yourself.

Especially the ones you learned early

Moments of today. 3.12.26

• Winter asserted itself today with light snow and colder air. The snow didn’t accumulate, but it was nice to see it fall.
• An interesting CLST seminar about the language of Euripides and Athens. I also had an RA meeting and feel like I got good comments from my professor.
• I felt an openness today, and had some good interactions. I’m also grateful that I was made to see I’m on a flow now.
• Nice moments of connection and encouragement.
• I met up with my friend and had a nice time.
• I did a workout of heavier lifting upper-body circuits, power training circuits, and conditioning. I felt good and did some drop sets. I also had an interaction at the gym.
• Organizing class notes and outlining, working on my bibliography, my classical econ paper, reading, working on a problem set, my chem lab report, and RA tasks.