hi !

im back ࿔

I’m definitely not the first to come up with this conclusion, but I’ve noticed that if I think of my own history from another person’s perspective, then I can really understand why or how and process it more throughly.

Like.. for example.

If something happened to me, like.. X for example. I’d likely think :

“ Oh, X isn’t a big deal.”

But if someone told me X happened to them, if I react a certain way, then that would determine if it was actually concerning or bad or whatever.

Re: marriage post

I feel like I go berserk one or two days a month freaking out about it but the rest of the time it’s fine and so I’m not sure if my freak outs are valid.

Like I have a considerate partner and financial stability and he’s trying and sometimes he’s getting it right and am I sad that it’s effort to demonstrate love to me? Yes. But when he’s doing well he does it and when he isn’t he doesn’t and is that normal? Probably?

How long as it been this way? Idk? It’s intermittent.

I have the memory of a goldfish and all times are the present and that’s the adhd.

I think if the average was better then I wouldn’t freak out as severely.

I keep hoping it’s just a temporary “make him comfortable and he can blossom” kind of thing. Like I know he’s not happy in his own skin either. It’s not about me.

I know some other exvangelical women who married good, non abusive men, and those men are also really disconnected from happiness and desire. Idk if this is social conditioning from being raised thinking your sex drive is evil and dangerous, if this is chronic pain/anxiety/other discomfort putting them in a place where they can’t relax enough to want things, or if they are trying to force a sexuality that was never quite right for them to begin with.

Im sure its different for every person but its not uncommon in this demographic and thats notable I think.

processing emotions / trauma / conditioning that was given to me and isn’t mine in a true and whole sense by writing the word “bitch” in the Bible over and over again until it’s given back.

I forgive you, you did what you had to to survive your own feelings, so did I, I’ll always love you and hope you have a beautiful life.

Its so sad they had to cheat on me and hit below the belt in so many different ways, they didnt value our 5 years of friendship at all. Throughout those years i always was there if i saw they were sad, i would always message or answer their calls.

I constantly am reminded they exist, even when i cant hear them through the things we bonded over or they liked or showed me

I saw this one of a kind type of font and they liked typography, i had extra of this craft supplies they could have used and loved but i just gave to someone else that would take it, saw a fox uplifting pic, they have me blocked on everything even if i wanted to txt

People really will use you for what they want then demonize u and torch your bridge like u never meant a thing despite everything they previously said and ur history

I miss the old them. The version of them that was sweet and caring. But they only are like that when they lust over you and are lovebombing you and they just move on to the next, ig

Tony Gebely: Tea Epicure

Tony Gebely is an acclaimed tea expert and author who has spent nearly two decades researching tea production, processing, and culture around the world. His interest in tea began during a college trip to southern China, where, according to Hahn, “tea-making in China dates back to at least 2000 BCE.” Exploring the germination of tea and its cultural history inspired Gebely to travel throughout Asia gaining firsthand experience on techniques and traditions of tea cultivation.

He later created Tea Epicure, a blog where he shares his experiences and knowledge about tea from traveling. Through his writing, Gebely explains the different stages of tea processing, the chemical changes that occur during those stages, and preparation methods that beginners can follow. In addition to his blog, he has written several books that discuss tea processing and the compounds found in tea leaves.

Gebely’s passion for tea extends beyond research alone. In fact, he even incorporated tea into his own wedding. Talk about dedication! By fully immersing himself in the world of tea, he has created valuable opportunities for readers and researchers to better understand the relationship between tea, culture, and health.

Primary Source:

file:///C:/Users/montg/Downloads/snow-shan-handbook-gebely.pdf (his book)

Secondary Source:

https://www.readeighty.com/blog/american-tea-competitions-and-innovation-with-tony-gebely

Photo Credits: Amazon

First post

This is my first post on Tumblr in a very long time. This page will be about my thoughts on my dad recently being diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I will try to keep it somewhat positive, and I want this to be a safe space for anyone going through a similar situation. I don’t quite know what my posts will look like yet, but it will most likely be a way to externally process my thoughts. Sending love to anyone reading this :)

I built a playable browser synth instrument using Processing and the Minim audio library, then adapted it so anyone can run it online through OpenProcessing. It’s a keyboard-controlled monophonic synth with a built-in arpeggiator, LFO modulation, filter control, and waveform switching. The interface is intentionally minimal so you can treat it like a small experimental instrument. 🎹 Features • Play notes with your computer keyboard • Multiple waveforms (sine, triangle, saw, square, pulse) • ADSR envelope shaping • Moog-style filter with resonance • LFO modulation for evolving tones • Arpeggiator with UP / DOWN / RANDOM modes • BPM control and latch/hold mode • Real-time waveform visualizer • HUD showing all controls You can play it yourself here:

👉 OpenProcessing sketch: https://openprocessing.org/sketch/2888626

If you’d like to support more experimental instruments and creative coding tools, you can join my Patreon:

👉 Patreon: patreon.com/AnotherHumanInTheLoop

I’ll be releasing more interactive art tools, synth experiments, and generative systems like this.

˗ˏˋ ´ˎ˗Paprika*ೃ༄

acheofthe.unknown //TikTok

All this energy I’ve been putting into myself is paying off!

I have such a better idea of the struggles my brain goes through and how to conquer them.

I have such a better feeling of self.

I haven’t had anyone to turn to when I’m having a hard time so I’ve been fixing my problems myself and now I feel more accomplished?!?

I feel like I can survive anything.

Especially because now I have a much better idea of what’s going on in my brain too. You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know it’s there

I feel like I’ve become my own best friend in some way, I take care of myself so much better than I used to and when I reassure myself and pick myself up I believe it more than I used to.

(I used to need so much external reassurance and validation and since I haven’t been getting any, ie the fiance is incapacitated at the moment, I’ve had to provide that for myself and the result is that I feel so much more prepared for whatever comes all on my own)

It’s going to be wild when he gets out of rehab and he notices that I don’t need reassurance like I used to, and I’ll just be like-

“yeah, I got all tough and shit” 💪

🌔

It’s strange how quickly a quiet day can turn loud,

not in sound, but in feeling.

One second I’m grounded, soft, certain,

and the next it’s like something taps on an old bruise,

and suddenly I remember everything my body worked so hard to forget.

There’s a version of me that knows I’m okay,

that nothing has changed, that I am safe here,

and then there’s this other version,

reaching for answers that don’t exist anymore.

Anyway,

I’m tired,

and I think I’ll choose myself again tomorrow.

my sick as hell computer seems to be finally kicking the bucket. spongebob weeping on the floor and soaking it all up repeatedly gif

I don’t know how to answer your questions.

I know that I did love you. I was genuine. But I got tired of the fighting and the feeling deep inside of me…the uncomfortable feeling.

You asked me to be honest, so I was.

I’m not trying to blame you, but…God

I feel so angry and hurt and sad and numb and empty. It’s been such a difficult week. And I refuse to talk to you until I feel better and have at least learned some things.

I don’t know how long that will take.

I don’t expect you to wait for me.

“If the chain is on your door, I understand.” Back To December by Taylor Swift

Sometimes i wish i could have figured out what was causing my seizures when i was dating my ex but it was necessary to find out they were lying and attracted to their friend

I deserve better than someone who lies to me and who stays friends with someone they are attracted to

And then cheats on me the way they claimed their ex did literally down to amount of time they spent with their friend the day before we broke up

They project everything instead of actually processing the fact that maybe… there is a reason people feel traumatized by them.. because they violate boundaries and that sucks for them, because i actually would have loved them forever, but they clearly self sabotage and manipulate others and build a relationship on lies instead of honesty

And i deserve someone who listens to me

They fall for anyone who gives them a dopamine rush and have no standards whatsoever tho so

I know i deserve better

This is an expressive poem that I’ve created and written myself, it is for artistic purposes and personal use only -

Postmortem

Empty promises fill our gut until we cannot take it anymore

The lie of fullness comforting as a notion, but corrodes our cores with patient devotion

Claim to live in bliss, always greeted with a kiss, but take heed

Soon you realise their mouth is foul, filled with a rot that reaches deep into their soul

Soon you find there was no common goal. A sense of belonging is all that you sought, but with them a disease was brought

A contagiousness, a sickeningly sweet scent, a seductive taint slathered in white paint

What was it all for? What was that for?

The agonizing inaction, the cowardly chipping away at my heart instead of honouring what once was

The silent insult, forcing me to break my own heart so healing can finally start, the lagging torture

Finding your next distraction so you can pretend I don’t exist, through everything I persist

It felt like all that effort meant nothing, all the time we spent together lost to the wind, consumed by a storm and decomposing on rock

Like the carcass of a fallen whale at the bottom of the sea, grief stricken, you mock me

After years of the world exploiting my nature, knowing all this and still you decided to ignore

I couldn’t take it anymore