I’ve been in a bizarre situation when I thought I’m just feeling lonely and need someone to talk to.
Well, I’m not wrong about the feeling though, but the need? It’s still questionable. I’m not sure (yet) what I need exactly. Because when I already have some trusted people who sincerely listen to me (I can sense who’s sincere and who isn’t), I’m still not feeling fulfilled. Like something is still missing. The vacancy is still there.
So I conclude, it’s not just about the people who will be there for me. It’s more about the specific one I expect to be there for me. Ironically, this kind of people ALWAYS out of my radar. I don’t know why I love to make myself in a lost situation like this. I hate how my emotion and preference work beyond what I’m capable of.
Back to the first paragraph. Because I only have some people who can’t match my expectation, so I try to let it all go the way it is (don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for having them). I know my expectation of them is just none, so even though they won’t fill the vacancy, at least I won’t get hurt by them (no expectation means no hurt feeling, right?). That’s what I thought. But now I know I was wrong. There is something that deep down I’m still lying about, because it’s hard to tell. It’s very hard. Maybe I can be the most egoistic one if I tell the reason, but I can’t help it. It exists. Now the situation is getting more complex. Thanks to me.
This happens when I let the function of my heart that is supposed only to feel, is changing into thinking and analyzing. My psychologist once told me not to analyze everything, especially regarding emotions and feelings and any other related items to them. But again, I can’t help myself. I tend to solve anything with logic, especially about the mystery that haunting me for these past few days.
Now I’m stuck in my own trap. God is Great.
Maybe the vacancy that I’m talking about is about the abandonment
issue. And maybe what I’m looking for is being a number one priority of someone I care about. And this is what makes me continuously hurting.