Writing my thesis? Lol.

Researching old terms for vodka to add credibility to my 16th-century-inspired fantasy novel? 🫣

(I am writing I swear, but I needed a break and went down a rabbit hole.)

How is applying to grad school?

It’s horrible. They want me to do a basic thing that people in my career have to do on a regular basis.

sleeping easy knowing I wrote a 113 page thesis that no one who uses ai could produce….honk shoo mi mi mi

history phd is waking up in bed after falling asleep writing a paper surrounded by moldy books

Up to my usual shenanigans: writing my thesis and definitely not crying over fictional gay hockey players 🫣

No I will not stop rewatching this show.

Vibes from yesterday — working on my thesis, coffee, listening to Dad’s band concert, and Florence <333

I GOT INTO MY TOP GRAD SCHOOL!!! IM MOVING TO A NEW COUNTRY IN SIX MONTHS!!! my dreams are becoming my reality. for the first time in years i feel like i am a free agent in my own life!! the sky will be blue tomorrow even if it’s grey!

the gifted kid urge to overachieve in your developmental years but now burst into tears at the thought of even opening your laptop cos you’re so burnt out

I have to sit out spring quarter for financial reasons, but I’m ending year one of my grad program with a 3.9 GPA.

On one hand I could use the break, but on the other hand, it’s annoying to have to sit out because my funding ran out. I refuse to take out loans.

That moment when you wake up after having a meltdown in front of company

Supervisors

I used to wonder what I’d use this account for beyond sharing shows and books I like. It’s anonymous, has zero followers, and no one really cares about it. But now I know it is the perfect diary. I just got an email from my supervisor that was soul-crushing. It always goes like this for me, even with my bachelor’s degree. I get a supervisor for my research report that I like and respect so much, and I am so excited. I work hard to write assignments that they find brilliant and illuminating. But then they start working on the thesis with me, and they find out how many drafts it takes me to reach that brilliant work. They find out that I use flowery, literary language, that I collect ideas and present them as if I were curating for an art gallery, and suddenly they hate it. Suddenly, I am illogical, and I am bad at it, and I am wasting the time of important academics. It doesn’t matter that they have seen my final work, and they chose me because my final work is held in high esteem. It doesn’t matter that, as a woman with a disability, I had to fight my father for further education after my bachelor’s AND when he withdrew financial support, I had to get it elsewhere. It doesn’t matter that, no matter how frustrated I am, I remain polite and understanding. Every time, like clockwork, there is nothing that I do right. And so here I am, having to let someone talk down to me because correcting my work is just so beneath them and oppressive, and I have to apologize for my first draft not looking like what my final draft is, and it is disappointing to say the least. Less than 25 per cent of my field is women. And now another woman in that small number is belittling me and telling me I didn’t do as she asked when I did because teaching me is beneath her. Her other white male supervisees can write as poorly as they want, not because they’re learning academic writing like me, but because they give her prestige. A girl like me, who clawed her way here, is an unglamorous ward. And I will have to scrape and fight and plead and beg and prostrate myself to get this degree. The degree to which my own parents feel contempt for. The degree that pushes other women out. And I have to smile and be polite and be pleasant and be good. And and and and and and and. What a dream. What a fucking curse.

P.S. For women reading this: your female subordinates know when you hate them and think less of them. Your male subordinates let them know.

Dissociation heavy today on account of the Endless Horrors, but I have a final paper due

Writing with zero brain cells on board it is; then,

I officially scheduled my physical therapy board exam for April. Bring on 9 hour clinic days plus 3 hour nightly study sessions for the next 2 months.

80 days until I am done with school!