I’m really noticing part of me shutting down in those moments
It’s awesome
It’s like my brain wants to go into a default with known automatic functions, but this stuff is still all new to me so those function haven’t been fully developed yet so there’s a lot of failure happening
It’s all fucking cool to watch and see happen. It’s just awesome.
It’s awesome to see the growth happen
It’s literally positive change, just happening in front of my eyes
I mean, not just in my eyes, but in everything I feel 
But I can’t get too caught up in this awe and gratitude. I know I gotta keep moving or at least keep my stance or else I’ll collapse. So now I have to figure out what I can do to help myself so those developing functions can develop as best as they can. 
Let that awe and gratitude and love be the reason for your bravery. Don’t pick stupid reasons to be brave. Don’t pick a reason like trying to redeem yourself or some bullshit like that. Don’t let anyone define why you do the things you do.