Regarding my last post (why am I wording this like an email), I’d like to add something. There was one person in my section in marching band (pit) who’d give me a deep sense of longing whenever I was around him. I was already having my trans feelings, but he drove them to the extreme, speeding up this “reaction”, like a catalyst. That was when this truly became a crisis. Anything marching band/marimba (he’s a marimba player) made me feel this intense longing. Even listening to a playlist of marimba music made me feel like this, along with the album of the song in his GroupMe profile. The album was…….I have no fucking clue how to describe it but I’m not surprised it got rated a 0.5/5. I thought it was one of those that just takes multiple listens to like it (it could’ve been, I only listened to it once). This longing was to be a man like him. Despite how awful this feeling was, I didn’t want it to end, and I had this weird ass premonition that a war was going to start and he would be drafted/join the military and die in a war. The line that struck me the most was in his GroupMe bio; “I hope to teach music one day!” (Yes, with the exclamation point). What if he didn’t make it? I’ve never told him about this premonition or about the feelings he’s made me have, the longing to be a man. Now that I’m off my old meds and on new ones, the specific man-longing is gone, but I still have some longing around him, just unspecified. I had percussion ensemble last night, and the longing, the same one at band camp in the summer that made me try to figure out тоска by молчат дома on the vibraphone during our dinner break, was back, and just as intense. I sorta want the feeling back, but now it’s gone. I had a less intense and shorter type of this feeling 2.5-3 years ago. I don’t know if this feeling will come back, but this marching season was its second time coming around. If it comes in 3 year cycles, I am COOKED for my senior year.
I think I was/am going insane help
