I write what she never said

I write for the ones who never got closure.The men who ache but never cry out loud.The quiet ones. The almosts.You’re not invisible here.You’re seen—softly, fully tenderly

@realmsmidnight

Thoughts from an Only Child at 3:30AM

Not every blog I write is about politics, tech, or society. Sometimes, it’s just raw emotion. Just me sat here in the garden, 3:30am in the morning. Cool air brushing past me like a ghost of something long gone. I think. I reflect. And sometimes, I write.

Being an only child teaches you a few things. And not in the fairy tale way people imagine spoiled, pampered, coddled. No, it teaches you how to survive silently. It shows you what it means to be independent out of necessity, not out of choice.

When you grow up without siblings, you learn early on: you’ve got no backup. No brother to step in when someone’s giving you hell. No sister to confide in when your heart breaks at 17. You are your own team, your own lifeline. And that reality hardens you in places most people never even realise.

You notice things others overlook. Every smirk someone throws your way. Every twitch of discomfort. Every shoulder shrug, foot shuffle, eye roll  it’s all data. You become fluent in body language, because when you’re alone, you have to read the room like your life depends on it. That’s how you know if someone’s real… or if they’re just wearing a mask.

You learn to make every moment count because you don’t get the luxury of a “next time.” That friend you talk to might vanish tomorrow. That one phone call could be the last. So you pour yourself into it, into them. Because part of you knows it could all go silent again.

I’ve had many of those late, late nights. Trust me. Too many. Like right now. Just me, my thoughts, and a quiet world that doesn’t know or care that I’m still awake. No texts. No footsteps coming down the stairs. No laughter echoing from another bedroom. Just me.

Was there a time I wished I had siblings? Yeah, there was. Especially growing up. When I saw kids arguing and then hugging five minutes later, I envied that. When I saw brothers sticking up for each other, or sisters planning sleepovers together, I felt that ache. That little voice in my chest whispering, Why not me?

But now? No. I’m happy with the silence. It’s made me who I am. It’s not a life for everyone. But it’s mine. It’s lonely sometimes, sure. But it’s taught me resilience, empathy, observation, and above all self-reliance. You learn to handle yourself. Because, quite frankly, you have no other choice.

So this blog isn’t just a post. It’s a piece of my heart. A rare one. Not polished or political. Just honest. If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt alone  really alone  know that I get it. And know that being alone doesn’t mean being lost. It means being tested. Sharpened. Seasoned.

And if you’re out there tonight, wide awake like me, staring into the dark… you’re not the only one.

Mr. TMarsh-Connors

Tolerate. 

Allow (someone) to do something. 

Sometimes we don’t realize that we make ourselves suffer. We tolerate things that we can’t stand. We tolerate people who don’t treat us right. We allow people to do awful things to us and we run back to them like it never happened. We choose that suffering. We choose to be hurt time and time again. Not saying we deserve it, but we are definitely asking for it. If nothing has changed yet, then when will it and what are we waiting for? Why are we wasting precious time waiting for others to change? Suffering and hurting. No one will change unless they want to and no amount of guilt or blame will make it happen any quicker. I choose to let go, starting today. There’s been a lot of hurt I’ve been holding on to and in turn I’ve been suffering without even realizing it. The way people treat you is a reflection of themselves, and has nothing to do with you. So please, let’s let go this year. Let’s stop normalizing toxic relationships. Let’s stop being those hurt people who hurt people and let’s stop allowing people to hurt us. We only get one life, and if we have breath, we have options. 

When I said forever I meant it

The man I thought would love me forever has left me. He deserted me and not - I hope, because someone has tempted him elsewhere, but because he doesn’t see a future with me. He doesn’t want me. He literally doesn’t desire me anymore. I’m unneeded. Surplus to requirements.

Some kind of wonderful~ by Giovanna Fletcher

It will always be too soon…. There is never enough time..

Day two, 03-21-18

Today I feel completely shut down, I feel like there isn’t anywhere that I fit in. I feel so distant from my friends and loved ones.

Past, I was close to my father, a real daddy’s girl. I’d smile when he’d get home and wake up whe he went to work, sleep next to him with my head laying on his stomach. He was a hero to me and I always felt safe. this is the part of my past where things got worse, my mom and dad had been fighting, they did it every night when we would go to bed. One day dad had enough, I guess. The mornings I would watch him get dressed for work, he was in the military at the time. He would get dress and I’d hear the sound of the car starting and the head lights dance across the white wall opposite side of the bedroom window. I would fall asleep knowing that daddy would soon arrive back home….one day, he didn’t come home. I waited and waited, day after day, I never gave up until my mom brought home a new man. Rodger, don’t get me wrong from what I remembered was a really nice guy, he soon took the place of the dad I thought no longer wanted me. He’d take us swimming, camping, we’d ride the fore wheeler with him. He’d buy us food and clothes, he had a house with chickens, an ostrich and dogs. He tucked us in and taught me how to pray before bed. He slept in the living room on the couch but at that age, the wonderful age of five and a half, I thought it was normal.

It was fun, we finally had a family again, but one night I had a strange dream where it was the house but it want the white and brown clean look it was. It was run down, black and blue. I went inside and found my siblings sitting beside my mom but she was nothing but bones and skin. She started eating my siblings and I was frozen in fear along with them. Finally after watching her finish the, off she came after me, it was enough to knock me out of shock and get me to run away, I ran out the door and found an owl chasing me now. The owl with a scratchy voice said, “those who love beware.” I woke up the next morning crying. I dried my tears and woke up my little brother, I didn’t want to be alone. We walked out, my brother turned on the T.V. And started watching cartoons. I woke up mom and went to wake up Rodger. My mom walked to the kitchen to get her coffee and get our cereal while I walked up beside the couch and climbed up top to wake Rodger up, but he didn’t wake up like he normally did. I sat on his belly and poked his face, still nothing. I opened his eye lids to see if that would work… nothing but his eyes looked misty. I finally looked up and called out to my mother that there was something wrong with Papa. She told me he was tired and to leave him alone while she got his medication ready. I agreed and sat on the floor with my little brother to enjoy the morning of cartoons and cereal. Tit was fine until mama started screaming and violently shaking papa, telling him to wake up. The next thing I remember was going there doors down to our neighbor, the lady that baby sat up a lot. I remember the snow and my mama’s crying face, the sirens from the cop cars and ambulance. I asked our babysitter where they went with mama and papa, she told me that in time those we love will be brought to heaven to be angels again, and that it is okay to cry because of the painful goodbyes but always remember them. At the time I didn’t understand… but than the funeral came.

The funeral, was filled with crying which made me cry, I remember my mama carrying me, it was time to say goodbye to the man that gave me hope of a normal family. I leaned in and kissed his cold hard cheek, it wasn’t the same warmth I remembered from him all I could do was cry harder. So many emotions; confusion, sadness, anger, but one thing I knew was I missed him so much.

EMOTIONAL BLOGPOST TIME. 

 As always, it’s been forever since I have posted, and for those of you (if any) who actually enjoy reading these I do apologize.  It’s also been about a good month since I visited home so this blogpost is wayyyyyy overdue. Nonetheless, here is an update on my life for those curious (and so I don’t have to repeat the same story over and over :) )

Note:  (Go find the song Bloom by the Paper Kites…and/or I Found by Amber Run and/or open up Bon Iver Pandora Radio…makes this read more emotional…or at least for me…)

First let me catch ya’ll up on my life.  Not much is new.  Still haven’t heard from Disney Springs as far as a gig is concerned.  I’ve emailed them quite a few times and am gonna try calling them soon.  Truth: they are terrible with communication.  (I kinda relocated to Florida for this gig sooo give me something guys!)  But I have been trying to be productive with my time and have been getting my butt to open mics downtown at least once a week.  I find it hard since I live on the other side of town, but I’ve made some friends and connections along the way which I can’t complain about.  

If nothing else I’m starting to learn about the right questions to ask at the right time as far as gigs and music is concerned. For starters: Is this job worth moving for?  I seemed to have jumped the gun too soon and managed to miss asking that big question.  I was just so excited to actually have the opportunity to do something I love and to put use my studies.  For those art, music, theatre, etc. majors out there, you all know too well the looks we get from others.  The look of “what are you going to do with that degree?”  Well…just what it says.  I studied music.  It should be pretty clear that what I want to do is play music, teach music, etc.  I was excited at an opportunity to shut everyone up I guess and prove their judgmental looks wrong.  (And of course to do what I love and get paid for it.)

I’ve also learned that it’s okay to say no to gigs.  And what to look for before accepting a gig.  Is the venue advertising?  Do I get paid?  Is this a well-known joint or a whole in the wall an hour out of town? (long story…) But through everything in life I try to remain learning.  If nothing else, what can I take away from a situation to better myself and make myself more knowledgeable.  

Now, going back to “shutting everyone up”  I have seemed to impress people at the fact that I have moved so far from home.  Not many move this far it seems.  And if you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know that this hasn’t been an easy journey.  Up until a month or so ago I had terrible anxiety.  I mean heck, moving to a new (huge) city 550 miles from home, having to make all new friends, having to adjust to unfamiliar places and faces…it’s as hard as it sounds.  People see the instagram posts and the Disney pictures of smiling faces and think that your life is perfect.  People start to envy the fact that “you made it out”.  They start to say how much opportunity there is in a big city.  But you never really see what’s not being photographed.  And I don’t feel like I “made it out” of anything.  In fact, a lot of people here always ask me why I moved here.  It’s actually a bit harder to make it in a big city.  It’d be a lot easier if I were home in Johnson City, TN building myself and then moving to the big city then just starting out here.  And everyone’s always looking to get out of somewhere.  So, just, be happy where you are. Wherever you are.  Try to live in the moment you are in.

In other news, I went home a month ago and it was amazing as always.  My two best friends Aricela and Zack got married and I cried a lot of course (and moshed?) I’m still waiting for those pictures by the way…But anyway the trip was awesome and I got to hang out with the best people in the world who inspire me daily and who I miss terribly.  I realized this past trip what everyone has been telling me the past 11 months- that Johnson City wasn’t going anywhere and it would be there for me whenever I returned.  I love my little Chicago and going through that city brings back a thousand amazing memories that I will never let go. 

I also had the amazing opportunity to go see my icon ADELE in concert!! ( Thank you Brandy!! ) It was incredible and I cried a lot.  I am determined to have that be me one day.  I may not be performing in a big arena.  There may only be a handful of people in the room.  But, I want to inspire others through song as she has through me…

So what’s next for me?  Of course, I have no idea.  Come May ends my lease and contract here in Florida, and I’ve considered a few options.  I have a friend up in Nashville right now and considering my background that wouldn’t be a bad place to relocate (Plus I fell in love when I visited this past trip! )  I’ve also considered moving up to Asheville and “getting the band back together”.  Plus the place is pretty hip hopping with music as well these days.  I’m going to an audition in February for Dollywood so Sevierville is on the list right now.  One more option…bare with me…stay in Florida?  I know, I know…I complain about Florida 24/7.  It’s too hot, I live in a touristy area which makes it wayyyy crowded here, I’m not playing music like I’d like, no one knows how to drive…..but I’m growing fond of the downtown area - which is where I’d want to move closer to.  And not for much longer, maybe just until the end of 2017?  Now no one chew me out yet - I’m giving myself till my birthday to make a final decision.  I’m still waiting for a sign.  I thought moving here to Florida was a sign, but I’m not sure why God drew me down here.  Maybe to learn about myself.  I feel like that’s what I’ve done more than anything is figure out things about myself, and what I truly love and how to adjust and adapt.  The saying you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone is so so true.  If you noticed, Johnson City is not on my list.  Sorry.  Perhaps the hardest choice is to not move back to JC.  It’s not to say I won’t, but I’m trying not to.  I love that city so much.  I know if I go back, I won’t ever leave.  And, maybe that’s not a bad thing.  I feel like I have a lot more to do with my life though, and more places to venture whatever and wherever that may be.

I was going to end this post with a song post, but I have a terrible cold right now so no music for a while.  (Who’d have thought….a cold…in Florida…hmmm)  But here’s my words of wisdom to end it.  Follow your dreams but keep a steady head while you do.  You make go down a path that takes quite a few unexpected turns and you may find yourself terribly lost but know that home is always waiting for you and always take something with you.  A lesson, a friend, a memory.  Make the most of every moment and every adventure.  Especially in this day and age.  Cherish everything. And don’t stress - smile.  You are here, in this moment, today, right now.

Love always,

Liz

A confession i have to make to free myself from this burden. I just want to let it all out. Crying makes me sleep. It’s the only thing i do before i sleep while i pray to God for help. I guess it really helps. That every time i wake up in the morning, even if my eyes were swollen from last night’s tears, they wouldn’t notice it. Even if i find it hard to breathe while i was crying, i want to cry at night. Because i don’t want others to see me cry and get them worried. Because in the end, i will still be wronged. But i find it really helpful. Crying doesn’t make me weak. It is a choice i made a few days ago. That i just have to cry myself out alone in my bed covered with two pillows. Where everyone else were already sleeping. I have a ME TIME. I am satisfied and still saddened. Sad by the fact that even imagining myself drown at the pool is the only thing i could imagine. (But don’t worry, i’m just that creative on making stories, I won’t do it. I SWEAR!) there were no more dreams for me but rather nightmares. I was able to read yesterday that we have higher tendencies on having a nightmare when we sleep at cold places. Just saying! This will be all for now. My deeper and clearer thoughts are on my NOTEbook. i still keep some things for myself! ;)

SMILE. 

- nicole. xx