i have so many questions for the writing team, they made a lot of choices with this run of the show
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my throat hurts and i feel like im gonna pass out. this is actually so embarrassing
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hi pretty angels, im starting my recovery, today I ate 331 cals but I puked some so full intake is 308, I burned like 100-200 earlier which makes it apt only 100-200 cals for my body, im working on it tho 💗
u may be asking urself ‘but cinnamon weren’t u pro ed?’ and yes sure, I was but genuinely today I realized I don’t want to live my life like this anymore, also I hurt everyone around me and myself, I can loose infinit weight but I will still hate myself, so im choosing recovery, im not pro ed anymore, but I understand if ppl don’t want to recover, bc that was me for 7 years, but I kinda just wanna live my teen years in peace and be like ACTUALLY happy, even if I still hate my body. every angel deserves happiness, but im okay if angels don’t want to choose this path
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cara, eu não sei oq me aconteceu mas eu simplesmente comecei a ODIAR doces, eu não suporto mais biscoitos doces, chocolates é variáveis, tipo tudo agora está com um gosto horrível mas é ruim mesmo. Eu perguntei pra minha mãe se ela achava que as coisas estavam com gosto diferente e ela falou que tá tudo igual.
Que merda aconteceu, não que isso seja ruim mas como caralhos isso ocorreu
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CG News: छत्तीसगढ़ शराब घोटाला मामले में 29 आबकारी अधिकारियों पर अभियोजन की मंजूरी, गिरफ्तारी की आशंका
CG News: रायपुर। CG Sharab Ghotala: छत्तीसगढ़ के बहुचर्चित शराब घोटाला मामले में राज्य सरकार ने बड़ा फैसला लेते हुए 29 आबकारी अधिकारियों के खिलाफ अभियोजन की मंजूरी दे दी है। इस निर्णय के बाद संबंधित अधिकारियों के खिलाफ कानूनी कार्रवाई का रास्ता साफ हो गया है।
CG News: ईडी को मिली अभियोजन स्वीकृति
जानकारी के अनुसार प्रवर्तन निदेशालय (ED) को इन अधिकारियों के खिलाफ कार्रवाई के लिए अभियोजन की…
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Only had 85-107 calories today
I can feel my self getting thinner.
What are easy ways to make your self throw up?
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ykw? those tiktoks and discord servers insulting and degrading the viewer/reader with, ‘oh don’t eat f"tty’ 'you should *rve more, p'ggy’ don’t work with me. I don’t understand peer pressure, I don’t get affected by narrow insults by people I don’t care about.
If I were to consume this kind of content from people online whom I don’t know, I need logical, rational reasoning and supporting arguments for it to be effective. Ie, 'don’t eat because you can save the space for something much more worthwhile’, or 'don’t eat because it’s plainly unhealthy, and you’re most likely to regret it afterwards.’
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𝓑ATHROOM LIGHTS
✶ WARNINGS eating disorder relapse, bulimia (referenced), heavy guilt and shame, negative self-talk, body image issues, mentions of past rumours/social harm, bathroom setting, emotional distress. please read with care.
✶ WC 688
✶ OSANA’S NOTE ts is so personal to me, idk if anyone knows here resonates with it but yh. i relapsed really bad today after being clean for almost a month so im really pissed at myself. usually don’t post stuff like this but i feel like i needed to
the bathroom light is too bright
it makes everything look pale and wrong
like the room’s been drained of life
like someone turned the world down a few notches
and didnt turn it back up again
i’m sitting on the floor with my head leaning against the wall
the tiles are cold even through my clothes
the cool air pooling around me
i probably should get up
the toilet finished flushing a while ago
the pipes in the walls groaned for a second
then everything went silent again
except for the faint noise of my baby cousin
biking just on the other side of the wall
the room smells weird
cleaner
but something sour hid underneath it
the skin of my hands are dry,
from washing it over and over
like that would somehow fix it
like soap could erase a decision
it didn’t
there’s still a taste sitting at the back of my mouth that won’t leave
i spitting it out into the sink,
praying it’ll disappear if i ignore it long enough
it doesn’t
the mirror is right across from me
i wasn’t trying to look at it at first, but my eyes keep drifting back anyway
the girl in it looks tired
not crying
not even upset, really
just an empty shell of what she used to be
eyes blank and void of anything
my stomach feels the same way
not relieved
not lighter
just empty
the worst part isn’t sitting here
it’s remembering all the promises –
the ones i made in this same stupid room
the ones which swore
that last time was the last time
i remember standing here months ago saying that out loud
like if i heard the words they’d stick better
and for a while they did
weeks passed
then more and more and more
i stopped looking forward to being in this room again
to feel my stomach empty
i stopped feeling like i had to fight myself every single day
sometimes i’d even catch myself thinking
maybe i’m actually okay now
that thought feels embarrassing now
because here i am again
same bathroom
same bright light humming overhead
same mirror staring at me, disappointed
because it remembers everything
judging me for those months which didnt matter
because none of it stuck
for the longest time i told myself it wasn’t really my fault
there was someone to blame if you tried
it was easy back then, having somewhere to put all the anger
all the embarrassment
all the awful things people said about me
i could just aim it at her and pretend that explained everything
but things changed and changed
til my life is unrecognizable from how it was then
we fixed it somehow
we’re friends again now
and friends aren’t supposed to carry
that kind of hatred around
so i don’t
because i want to be friends
i want to be a good friend
but the anger didn’t disappear when we made up
it just stayed
now there’s all this bitterness sitting inside me
with nowhere to go
i can’t throw it at anyone anymore
and i can’t pretend it isn’t there
so it just sits here with me
heavy and useless
the toilet flushed earlier like it could take everything with it
the food
the guilt
the stupid decision that led me back in here
but the guilt didnt go down the pipes
it stayed
it sits heavy in my chest and won’t move
the mirror catches my eyes again
i look away almost immediately
i don’t want to see her
because she looks like someone
someone who knew better
and did it anyway
i pull my knees closer and stare at the floor instead
the tiles are cold
the room is quiet
and the emptiness inside me feels way bigger than it should
i am lighter now
but it doesn’t feel that way
instead it just feels like i threw something important away
something i worked really hard to keep
and now the only thing left in the room is me
the buzzing light
and the hollow feeling where that promise used to be
feel free to interact, but please do not copy, translate, put into ai, or repost on any sites
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Por qué putas todos se ponen a hablar de mi peso justo cuando empiezo a pensar en querer bajar? Ayer yo estaba en paz disfrutando de mi dia, voy al dentista pq pues necesitaba ajuste de los brackets, no? Llego y espero por un rato a que llegue mi dentista, de la nada llega la niña más bonita del mundo, delgada, nariz respingada, rostro pequeño, clean look(a mi no me gusta en mi opinion pero a ella se le veía DEMASIADO bien), neta me dieron ganas de llorar al verme comparadq con ella, por la grasa en mi cara y lo horrible que me veo. Más tarde ese día, yo como siempre viendo tiktok y respondiendo mensajes, wey una “amiga” mía me manda una foto que me tomó en la que salgo ASQUEROSISIMA NETA, ME DIERON GANAS DE VOMITAR POR VERME EN ESA FOTO, Y LUEGO VA LA PENDEJA Y SE BURLA DE COMO SALGO, WEY, QUE ACASO NO VES COMO ESTOY AHORITA Y ME SALES CON ESO? Y TODAVÍA DICE DEQ “ay yo q hice” QUE NO HICISTE PENDEJA, ME ARRUINAS LA VIDA EN TODOS LOS SENTIDOS POSIBLES, EN MIS RELACIONES, EN MI CONFIANZA, EN MI AUTOESTIMA, EN MIS AMISTADES, TODO LO ARRUINAS PENDEJA NARCISISTA. (Me desvié del tema, sorry)
Luego ahí va mi novio a cagarla de nuevo, siguiendo con sus mamadas de no escucharme ADEMÁS deq no respeta mis pronombres y se burla de mis decisiones personales que no le afectan en nada a su vida, puedes respetar lo que pido por una vez?
De cereza del pastel tenemos que mi padre me llamó gordq y la cosa para pesar se rompió pq se cayó, puras ganas de no existir me dieron. Hoy como siempre mis padres me llamaron lloronq por llorar mucho cuando ellos estaban haciendo chistes de humillarme frente a todos, los odio muchísimo realmente.
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I am getting so angry and reactive to every sound. I just want to feel good but noooop
My mood stabilizers I guess do help in some way, the gabapentin is WAY more effective for me though
My mood stabilizers are just… Ughhhhhhh. My emotions are so filled and I sleep for way too long and it’s so hard to get up. Plus it makes me hungry which makes me more sad and emotional. The weight gain too I hate at times. I used to have small tits which I liked that better. Idk my ED main trigger is that, that’s why I was anorexic for about a year. I miss being so skinny that the doctor prescribed me a protein shake for my every meal. My family saw me get skinny and my dad never told me he was concerned about it till after I gained weight because of this drug. My mom would compliment me and tell me how she envied me, which isn’t the response I wanted. I WANTED them to be concerned and worried WHILE I WAS LIKE THAT. Not after the fact.
I wish I was on something else. Get me back on those meds that made me lactate instead PLEASE.
My doctor wouldn’t because “it can call brain tumors” IN VERY SMALL CASES. He told me that I also don’t really need the gabapentin (yes I fucking do) and that if I just took the Zyprexa and did nothing else THEN it would work. Which I did and it didn’t. They kept upping my dosage to some insane numbers. Oh did I also mention I passed out at Six Flags because of this med? I get so dizzy sometimes and it’s impossible to walk.
Anyway rant over