I keep having dreams about you, please give me closure.
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chiron libra 8th house
beste even,
Ik ervaar chronisch en al lange tijd tekort aan energie en motivatie. Jij stelde voor mijn hulp aan te bieden (als je oprecht genoeg was je het te herinneren). Ik denk dat ik dit moeilijk kan geven op expliciete manieren. Ik heb een soort rust gevonden die ik nergens kan vinden. Ik heb mijn weg, geen weg, gevonden.
Odd
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She, 38F decided friendship only with me 56M. But across three years her behaviour consistently told a different story. What should we talk about in our last conversation?
We met three years ago through a shared activity. Never dated. But there was always something between us that felt different from regular friendship.
Eventually I told her how I felt. She responded warmly but decided that things would remain platonic between us. She never described what she actually feels. Just what she decided. I told her I cannot be her friend given my feelings. She accepted that. We are meeting soon for one last conversation.
Here is what genuinely confuses me. Not interpretation. Just what actually happened.
Across three years there were dozens of moments that simply do not belong in friendship. Not one or two that could be explained away. Dozens. Consistent. Repeated. Across different situations, different contexts, different moods. Physical and mental closeness that crossed what friends do. Conversations that went to places friends do not go. Gestures that were specific to me and that I never saw her do with others. Even something as simple as messages, whatever she was doing, wherever she was, she would answer within minutes. Every time. For three years. I have never seen her do that with anyone else.
And there was always this pattern. She would be warm and close. Then something would shift, like she suddenly became aware of where she was and what was happening between us. And she would go cold and distant for weeks. Then she would return, warm and close again. Every single time the retreat followed a moment of real intimacy. Never something I triggered. I am naturally reserved and never encouraged anything. The closeness always came from her. The awareness always came from her. The retreat always came from her.
And there is one more thing that fits this pattern. Every time I became distant or pulled back myself, she would come back. As if my distance triggered something in her. Almost like she feared losing me more than she feared the closeness.
When she responded to my declaration she described my feelings in detail, explained her behaviour, apologised for confusion. But she never once described her own feelings. Not a single word about what she actually feels towards me. Just a decision.
That silence is what I keep coming back to.
We are meeting soon. I want to ask the right thing without it becoming a debate or pressure. Has anyone navigated something similar? What would you ask?
I hate to break it to you, but this is all interpretation and no fact. You wouldn’t do certain things with friends. Not everybody has the same view of friendship as you. Some people fuck their friends. Some people cuddle and snuggle with their friends. Some people combine finances and live with their friends. Some people marry their friends. Some people have children with their friends. I’m not talking about “oh, your romantic partner should be your best friend”. I’m talking about people who do these things platonically. They exist. So all of this is your interpretation. It’s not some inherent fact that she has to share your feelings or want to date you because she did these thing regardless of that you feel that’s the interpretation.
The closure is that she rejected you, and you broke off the friendship. In my opinion, there is nothing else to say. You want something romantic, and she doesn’t. That’s it. That’s the story. That’s…how it ends.
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Thank you for another moment
Painful or pleasured , we need both components
To realize nothing lasts forever
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You can see the percentages for last year’s losses here.
The faculty are abandoning ship. It’s time to play “Nearer still Nearer.”
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In a Field of Clover
author’s note:
If you can’t find a four-leaf clover, I say: just use a little tape.
IN A FIELD OF CLOVER
“Your body is a green field of clover.”
When I found that line recently
I cringed with embarrassment—
what a silly besotted troubadour!
But then I remembered
the meadow of clover
where we’d once laid down
to rest.
And then I wanted to unremember
and when I couldn’t
I decided to return to…
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And the School of Fine Arts is losing the majority of faculty for 2026-27. Last year, COAS lost the most at ~25%.
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A little over a quarter of those people leaving have only BJU degrees. Some are retirement age, so that could be the reason.
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VIDEO: “Closure” @ Silver Stream Studio (Montclair, NJ) | 05.11.24
Writing “Closure” helped give me a small semblance of actual closure in regards to a toxic relationship in which I knew I would never get closure from the actual person. Here’s my performance of it from May 2024 at Silver Stream Studio in Montclair, NJ.
VIDEO: “Closure” @ Silver Stream Studio (Montclair, NJ) | 05.11.24
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K
Saw you thought yeah I could do that
Lost you didn’t even have you yet
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But the mind is a marvellous thing
Spinning worlds that your heart could live in
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Don’t you mind me I’m just building castles for us
Hoping trying can somehow be enough
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Talked t'you thought yeah I could do that forever
Had a moment of being braver
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Cause the mind is a treacherous thing
Spinning lies that your heart sees truth in
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Don’t you find me inside the trenches of young love
Hoping hoping can this time be enough
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Because what is there but delusion
A fever of biting tongues and ruin
A heated moment I’m scared of cooling
So I say nothing I just say nothing
Because what is there but intrusion
Tools I was nervously using
Ugly truths I bared for you and
Falsehoods I saw truth in
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And in the end, I wasn’t crazy for thinking it. I was actually right on the money.
You made a fool of yourself in front of me, our friends, and in your own home. You kind of stole my spotlight by doing that, which is not that surprising. You always got a kick out of being the loudest person in the room. But I came in looking for the opportunity to be mean, to throw it back in your face, to be petty and evil and vengeful. The crazy part is that I’m none of those things, but you evoked those emotions.
I spent the last year feeling like I’m the crazy one for thinking that what you were doing was intentional. Inadvertently keeping tabs on my life by incorporating yourself in every aspect of it. Maybe you thought that a constant reminder of you would make me miss you more. Maybe you did it as an act of your own revenge on me. For not being a sufficient enough partner, for not being moldable to your standards, for my finding myself after we fell through. Maybe it was all innocent. Maybe you truly love my two closest friends so much that you become better friends with them once our relationship ended.
Funny enough, I didn’t have that same reaction with yours. In a way, it’s a testament to the great company I keep. In another, it’s a strange overstep of my boundaries. Not one that I expected from you. I thought you knew me better than that. I thought you respected me more than that. It’s peculiar how you were the one to let me go, only to keep an invisible tether tied to me or keeping a door creeped open and looking into my life by tying yourself to the members of my innermost circle. I think you expected me to present them with an ultimatum: it’s you or it’s me, and I’m sure you worked hard to convince them and charm them to pick you. Except I never did. I loved that you all got along so well. Maybe a little too well for my liking now. But again, a testament to the company I keep – I’ll take it as a compliment.
In the end, you fell on your ass (quite literally), stumbled over your words powered by an excessive amount of liquor, and woke up the next day embarrassed that you had and outgoing call to me from the night before with no answer. I’ve been contemplating if we’re overdue for a serious conversation, seeing as how you’ll be sticking around corners of my life against my wishes. But I’m strongly hoping I won’t see you again, because there’s no reason for us to. You thought that what you did would bring us closer, but it actually drove us apart even more. That door is welded shut for me, you are a thing of the past, preserved in the image of a young first love and the trials and tribulations that came with it. I do not wish to spend my energy on villainizing you or reminiscing. I wish to spend my energy on growing and moving on with my life. I strongly advise you to do the same. And if our paths do cross again, I highly hope you take a different approach – for your sake and mine.
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“Made in Europe” or Unmade in Sunderland? Nissan’s Stark Warning.
Access the Editor’s Summary without charge
Roula Khalaf, the FT’s Editor, curates her top articles for this weekly bulletin.
According to three individuals privy to the deliberations, Nissan has alerted the British administration that it would be compelled to close its facility in Sunderland unless Britain was completely encompassed by the “Manufactured in Europe” production…
“Made in Europe” or Unmade in Sunderland? Nissan’s Stark Warning.
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I don’t miss you, I miss who I was before
It’s interesting and comforting that I feel excited to undo your damage. It stung a little bit when you didn’t reply, but every day I feel a little bit better.
And our friendship failing has made me a better person. I hope for nothing and my wishes are no longer spent on you— instead I look to my life and find joy in all the things I had before and all the things I will have long after you are a distant memory of a memory.
And the thought makes me smile.
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ISL: Mohun Bagan hit with stadium closure for ‘spectator misconduct’; MBSG accept fine, penalty | Football News - The Times of India
MBSG will play their upcoming home game against Odisha FC on March 5 at an empty Salt Lake Stadium. (Photo/AIFF)
NEW DELHI: The All India Football Federation’s (AIFF) disciplinary committee has fined Mohun Bagan Super Giants and ordered full stadium closure of the Salt Lake Stadium for using “multiple instances of pyrotechnics” during the season opener against Kerala Blasters on February 14.As a…
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Zimbabwe national cricket team still stranded in India as Middle East airspace closure disrupts post-T20 World Cup travel | Cricket News - The Times of India
NEW DELHI: Zimbabwe’s return from the ICC Men’s T20 World Cup has been delayed after airspace closures across parts of West Asia disrupted their travel plans from India.Zimbabwe Cricket confirmed on Monday that the squad remains in Delhi, adding that all players and support staff are safe while fresh arrangements are being made.
Team India arrives in Mumbai after sealing semifinal spot | T20…
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梅に鶯、3Bに爪ドリル。
こちらではご無沙汰しています。さかのかです。
昨年10月にハロウィン手紙村を企画・開催していたり、年明けにあたまのゆるい人たちの村にいたり、2月頭にちゃんとしたBBSクローン長期ガチへの初参加を果たしてきたり、これまた2月下旬から本日3/2にかけて詩客村への初参加を果たしてきたりしました。
本当に色々ご報告や感想などなどがまったく追いついていないんですが、まずは直近の詩客村から……！
三日月1562 【詩客村】卒論発表慰労会─布置の間─【誰歓R18Gランダ】
※この記事には特に年齢制限を要する内容は含まれていません。
closureセットのDudで、身バレ不可避の覆面V系バンドマンをやってきました。
詩客村（or詩人狼村）への参加は勿論のこと、ランダ村自体も殆ど参加経験がなかったので（深海国さんでの検証村でそれっぽい雰囲気を体験してきた程度でした）、秘話とか窓とかの扱いどうしよう……詩自体もちゃんと書けるかな……とどきどきしながら参加してきました。
実のところ、プロローグ中に表の流れで神の味噌汁を提供する羽目になって（言い出しっぺは他ならぬわたしだったのですが……）そのテーマで1作品書くことになるまで、短い形ででも詩を書き上げることが本当に上手く出来なかったんですよね。詩作の参考にと村直前に読んでいたのが『ルバイヤート』『空と風と星と詩』だったのが良くなかったのかもしれません（特に前者。岩波文庫版なんですが、訳文まで韻の踏み方が巧み過ぎてレベル高過ぎました）。詩作について大分難しく考え込み過ぎてしまっていたかなと。
その後もやたらめったら脚韻とかモーラとかAメロBメロ風味とか何ならシラブルまで考えてしまっていたくらいには捏ね繰り回すのが習性化してしまっていたんですが、嬉しい感想・有難い感想にも恵まれて、頑張って作った甲斐がありました。やおいリポグラムも挑戦してみたらすごく楽しくて楽しくて！
エピ最後の最後に落とした一連の詩は、どれもあまり音韻に囚われずに構成しています。〆切（エピ終了時刻）間際だったことに加えてほとんどが返詩だったので、却って難しく考え込まずに編めたのかなと思います。
一方で他の方の詩への感想については、追いついていないというか 良き （サムズアップ） に尽きてしまいちゃんとしたコメントができなかったことが多かったのですが、ふたつ頂いた読み解きのリクエストはどちらも大変楽しくノリノリで書かせていただきました。
ひとつ前のガチ村もそうだったんですが、一つのイシューに時間をかけて取り組むのを結構ガツンとやっちゃうんだな～というのを改めて自覚した次第です。
……と、詩作のほうの感想ばかりになりましたが、RPのほうも予想以上にたくさん楽しんできてしまいました。
表でのわちゃっとした掛け合いとか妖精窓でのポッドキャストだったりとか秘話遣り取りとか、こちらはもう本当にここでは書ききれないくらいで……。
緋露、愛してる。とだけここには置いておきますね！
あと妖精を信奉している横惑師（本来は殉教者陣営）が恩恵・妖刀所持で自ら妖精になってるのおかしくないですか？？？？ 真のご主人であるはずのゴリラ様（大猩猩）は月華機関に移籍して気配消失してしまってましたし……。
改めて、村を企画・運営されたフラワーさん・jpsさんはじめ、ご一緒くださった皆様、ありがとうございました！ たくさんお付き合いくださった緋露の人には、特に多大な感謝を。
詩客村にはまた時期など合えばぜひ参加したいな！ と思っています。そのくらいすごく楽しかったです。
次はちゃんとフリーお題に基づいた詩に挑戦することは勿論、お題全部載せ詩や名前詩などさまざまなチャレンジをしてみたいですね。パングラムは……で、できるかな……？？
以下、エピで落としたサヤさん（NPC）宛の詩についてのメモ的な補足。
この補足と関係する話題を不在時のエピログでお見かけしたので（サヤさん詩とは特に関係なく、だとは思いますが）、わたしからも多少なりともこの話題について今残しておいたほうがいいと考え、公開することにしました。
同村くださった方に対しての愚痴などでは全くないので、その辺りはご安心ください！と念の為に予めお伝えしつつ、折り畳みの形でここに追記します。
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衣織（Dud）からサヤ宛の詩《詠み人知らず》については、PC視点では勿論「今でも忘れられない元カノの幸せを願う」ものとして綴ったものになりますが、 PLとして一番書きたかったのは、実は第一連3行目の
＞今も墜ちる戦火の黒煙に胸を痛めていますか。
このくだりでした。
もう既に皆様ご存じだと思いますが、先月2/28にアメリカ軍とイスラエル軍によるイランへの攻撃が行われました。
このニュースを知ったのは丁度、リアル所用でのダメージで相当やられていたテンションを緋露の胸を借りたりわちゃわちゃ雑談したりなどで和ませたり、朗読を拝聴したり、手元で「雑用係、エロスを語る」を作っていたり……などしていた時でした。それからの浮上時はわりとフザケたノリで表に出ていたんですが、裏では動揺が続いていた、というのが正直なところでした。前日までのニュースを見聞きして「近いうちに本当に武力攻撃が行われるかも」と懸念して心理的に備えていた筈にも関わらず、です。
実際のところ、例のエロ解説ポッドキャストの原稿（ロル）制作に集中したことで少し気が紛れた、というのはあったかもしれません。
それまでに村内で発表された詩でも現実世界における地政学的なネタや社会・世相の要素を盛り込んだ作品が少なからずあったことに加えて、慧が詩の中で真矢さんの訃報に触れていたこともあり、こうしたリアルタイムでの時事ネタを村内で詩に盛り込んでもいいのだろうと考えてはいました。
ただ、その時のわたしはほぼ緋露宛の詩を書き続けていて、緋露（および緋露の中の人）に宛てた歌の中にいたずらにこの時の感情を載せたりぶつけたりするのは何か違うな……とも思ったんですよね。
（それでも実は、緋露宛ての秘話でもさりげなく時事的な問題を載せてしまっているところはあります。気候変動のドカ雪もですが、「地元のヤツ」についての「将来もこの国で無事に過ごせる保証なんて、ない」や、最後の最後に落とした無題詩の「予測つかないこの世界」のくだりがそうでした）
かといって突然脈絡もなく表ログ詩やポッドキャスト詩としてそういう詩を書くこともできず（これは「衣織PCとしての立ち回り・詩作」に拘った結果、というのが大きいです）。
そんな時にふっと、NPCサヤを「生態系や環境のことを研究し、心を寄せる人」として描いていたことを想い出し、そんなサヤのことを想って衣織が詠む詩……という形で表すということを思いついたんですよね。
（「黒煙」というワードを用いたのは環境問題とわかりやすく絡む内容にするため。事実、戦争及び武力行使が自然環境に影響を及ぼす例があります）
そのくらいには、何かしらの形ででも、このことを吐き出さざるを得ませんでした。
そのくらいに憤りと悲しみが強くあります。
小学校が空爆され子どもたちが殺されたとの報道もあります。
政治体制や国際法、情勢不安、エネルギー輸入、その他流通などをめぐる問題に関係なく。
人を殺しているこの攻撃を、わたしは支持できません。