The Empty Set Ring. To me it represents:
1) void
2) placeholder
3) New College of Florida NCF
4) divorce
5) zen
6) hug emoticon []
7) discontinuity
8) taking a break
“Form is emptiness, emptiness is form”
-Heart Sutra
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Nullset ring
The Empty Set Ring. To me it represents:
1) void
2) placeholder
3) New College of Florida NCF
4) divorce
5) zen
6) hug emoticon []
7) discontinuity
8) taking a #break
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Long rant about my ex becuase oh my god he cant be real
Okay I need to talk about it becuase its actually crazy to me and I can only scream to my friends so much
So i broke up with my boyfriend VERY recently(couple days ago) and he is just losing his minddd. He literally made a whole PUBLIC TIKTOK ACCOUNT to basically crash out on about me, posted the PRIVATE letter I wrote him, texting our friends in the SERVER I WAS ALSO IN acting like he’s bleeding out in the bathtub, and overall just kinda throwing himself a pity party I guess, which he can be upset, obviously, we were together for 3 years but this is doing A LOT dude and NOT in a healthy manner or in actually beneficial way for him.
Anyhorse, I made 1(one) silly, and albeit, a little mean tiktok of “breaking up with my boyfriend fit check” with the caption “first and last man i’ll date, hello sapphics!!” becuase i was already checked out by the time I broke up with him, but I did make sure to BLOCK him before I even posted it to spare he feelings becuase I knew he would be fucked up about it.
HE SAW IT ANYWAYS BECUASE IT WAS BEFORE I KNEW HE EVEN HAD A SECOND ACCOUNT AND HE MADE SOME FUCKING POST BEING LIKE “im so sorry I was so bad, I’m the last”
MOTHERFUCKER I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP, THAT IF YOU DIED OR WE BROKE UP THAT YOU WOULD BE THE LAST MAN I WOULD DATE BECUASE THE MEN IN MY AREA AND AGE RANGE EITHER JUST FUCKING SUCK OR ARE STRAIGHT UP GAY BECUASE I LIKE TWINKS!!!!! LIKE GIRL DO YOU EVEN LISTEN????? OHH MYY GOODDDDDD (I also generally have a bigger attraction to women/fem people AND HE KNEW THISS)
I have also reached the conclusion that I dont think he actually ever knew me or cared about me in any meaningful way and just liked how I made him feel and loved the concept of me and not actually me becuase who is this bitch you are talking about??? Certainly not me??? Lowkey hating cis men rn
But whatever😋✌️ praying for beautiful gorjus fems in my future for when I can finally hit the gay clubs and enter 21+ spaces
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I’ve hollowed myself out to make room for someone else’s shape, and now the only thing still present inside me is the absence they left.
How empty of me to be so full of you.
How cruel of you to feed on me.
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Post breakup, and this just sucks. I mean it’s SUPPOSED to suck cuz it’s a breakup but i dunno. The worst part about it is that I feel like the person I spent so much time with, and so much energy on is gone. Like, on one hand I kinda understand why he would want to break up, but he didn’t even try to talk to me or anything.
For context , I said “I wanted to lose my virginity to someone I would date, so if we broke up I could hoe around for a little.” Admittedly, yes, I did have a couple of experiences with men before him. However I just wanted to explore myself sexually, and once I came to terms that what I was doing wasn’t fulfilling me, I came to settle down. (I was also very drunk) It also makes no sense as to why he even wanted to breakup, even after I said that he continued to be a good boyfriend, and we would even have intercourse after the fact. I feel so confused and a little manipulated.
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I could never call it “we ended on good terms” bacause it wasn’t really a conversation. It felt more like something was already decided, then handed to me to accept. There was no meeting halfway, no space to speak just your terms, and me left to deal with the ending on my own.
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I try to love others. but my heart yearns for you. and only you.
I’d give the world to hear your voice again.
you, my love, your beautiful soul is haunting me
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Processing a new perspective to the end of half a decade of my life….
Candidly….
You know. I think. My ex, Changed her name, and changed her whole life. She had another family, and exited the one with me. I was coming out of a dark spiral and I guess she had enough and exited. Which sent me through another spiral cuz instead of just leaving like … smart. She used me to catapult herself into something better and probably isn’t even losing sleep. She probably doesn’t spare a thought. She just lied to me. Idk. I dont understand. Maybe she didnt like the life I had, she didnt like how I squandered everything. But she still lied. On exit. About me about everything to everyone else. And if she moved on then I need to also. And I can say I’ve been trying but that would be half a lie. Cuz I haven’t let her go yet. I wanted kids with her but she lied to me. Now I cant. I dunno why she changed the narrative and suggested ideas to me. I made the wrong choices all around. Idk. She wanted to make a whole new life. And its time I did too. I wish she didnt tank mine to do it though. I think she really isn’t a lesbian though. …. but it doesn’t matter.
My future matters now and what im gonna do with what freedom I’ve been granted.
I will be moving out of state.
In a month or two
Just working out those kinks
I guess she left the way she felt she needed to. I begged for solutions and her way was exit. Erase. Discard. But. On my end? I could have been better too. And I wasn’t. I presented instability. I made the wrong choices. Im not immune to consequences. The fault is not all hers. How I handled things was wrong. I would not have made the necessary changes if she did not make the necessary exit. I could not have been better in the life I had
Maybe she saw that first. Maybe she is not heartless. She just made a sacrifice I wouldn’t have. Was it nice? No. It was cruel. But it was self preserving to her.
And now maybe its my turn to live for myself.
I know in the grief I’ve been extremely selfish. For awhile yes. It was selfishness masked as extreme empathy. Maybe I was not… cognizant of others. For certain. No maybe im not a narcissist but I couldn’t stop the patterns taking me into a covert narcissist…
Maybe some part of me does feel empathy but I don’t know how to …use it right. And I dont think I ever did. I am part of every problem in my life. Because it is my life, and my life is based on my choices. And people in my life are affected by those choices … in their lives. We are each our main characters, and we can choose to be supporting characters or antagonists in the lives of others. And I think I was no longer supportive. I was caught up in my pain…and I no longer could see beyond my own exhaustion. Life became too much before she left. And she couldn’t fix it so she left. And that was wise. ….
I dunno…
I needed to step way back to see … this.
I wish I could say things differently. No one is fully a villain in this life. Villains dont exist. On some level we are all victims of circumstances….
And ….
I was hurt but I was also wrong.
My choices pushed everyone away. I couldn’t love or accept myself and depended on my value to be defined by that from everyone else…and that is vampiric of me
…
Ive been drowning then for years…
And even if she wasn’t forever she wasn’t all bad… maybe she too was caught up in her own issues…
But I modeled her.
Monkey see monkey do.
I can only be me and I make that choice every day.
Ive traded empathy for apathy for now while I recover. I care but I cannot care beyond the surface for anyone. I am cleaning up my life….
The storm within myself…left debris… inside my mind and heart
And even if I’ve been hurt…its my responsibility to heal myself.
And that’s the reality
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If I can be selfish for a moment I want my husband and the life we had together back. I know that he probably never existed and I know that she’s here to stay, but god I wish I could have stayed with her. If I could change my sexuality for her I’d go back to her in a heartbeat but I can’t anymore than she can repress who she is. And it fucking sucks. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, she just found her way and I so desperately want to be right there with her the way I always had been but it’s just not possible and there’s no going back and I wish I could be over it but we were together for seven years and separated for only one so of course I’m not over it, and I don’t know how to function without him either. I’m jealous of her new girlfriend and I don’t want her around, but I want her to be happy and find love again and be taken care of and not be lonely and she does seem like a good person, but it should have been us. I miss him so much and watching her grow is so bittersweet. I wanna go home but that place hasn’t been home for a year now and it’s all because he’s gone.
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We all end up doing something
At some point, tipped with regret
Yet you want to hold onto us
If only for another heartbeat
Our paths diverging on the potholed road
You take this exit and I’ll catch the next
With cracked headlights
Just breaking this morning’s mist
As you hold me close—
On bedsheets never so cold
As now, heaving at what’s unexpressed—
My seeming lack of lament
My half of the bed, tearless and dry
Each having laid out our vision of future plans
But I remember with rearview clarity
That’s where the underlying fissures began
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sometimes i miss you and then i remember in the middle of me sobbing my heart out to you you said to me, “do you just like to hear yourself talk”
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you left home on a friday
by the next night you were in another’s arms
did 5 years mean nothing to you?
does behaving this way make you feel like you belong?
i’m not sorry for holding you accountable for your actions
you always made me feel like i was the one in the wrong
i can see how bad you had me fooled as soon as you were gone
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hello to anyone who has time to read this. so i haven’t been very well. I’ve gone through a messy break up and I’ve been crying about it till now. and it’s been three months from the break up. i have suicidal thoughts. self harming ideations and insomnia and I’m trying so hard to get over it. i made this account for fun now i just want to talk about how i feel, see if anyone relates or cares. i just want someone to talk to, to notice. I’m crying as of right now I’m losing my grades. this sucks. it fucking sucks. sorry.