Everyone I’ve talked to has been in resounding support of my decision to let Brandy go before she continues to deteriorate physically and mentally, which is such a blessing.
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Except my barn owners. They have been kind, but are clearly having a harder time coming to grips with Brandy’s time being limited. They get very attached to all the horses and I don’t think they understand that she can’t just exist in her pen indefinitely (like their own—much older—retired horse). That would be so unfair to her.
She’s been lying down a lot more to take the weight off her right hind. She hobbles around. Sometimes she shudders when she needs to turn in her stall but isn’t sure how to put her weight on three legs.
When I turn the babies out, she stands there and watches wistfully. She wants to go out too, but doesn’t understand why she can’t anymore.
I could justify it all day, but I remember having to play that game with Casper too. I had a (now ex-) friend who thought I was somehow neglecting Casper because her breathing was slowly deteriorating, as she had a degenerative airway disease. I could (and did) try justify myself all day long—but some people are determined to misunderstand.
Anyway, they keep saying stuff like, “Maybe she’ll be better by spring!” “We’ll keep trying!” It’s making it harder to let her go.
I’ve also caught them saying stuff like, “She was getting better until she got turned out,” or “…until she escaped.” So I wonder how much they blame me for. The sports medicine vet said given the scar cartilage in the joint, the tear was inevitable. I was acting in good faith on orders from CSU to turn her out. Her escaping was my fault, I should’ve latched the gate better. But it’s all just a freak accident, and all of the treatments have failed—not for lack of trying. But there I go trying to justify myself again….
I just pray that when the time comes, they’re able to say goodbye to her gracefully and it won’t cause friction between us. Unlike my ex-friend, I can’t just never talk to them again.
September 2022