#personal?

I cant wait to stop working here, its so dire, ai is antithetical to supporting small business/creators, literally wtf is the point

Honestly, I think just exposure therapy probably. I’m worried some of it is trauma related, so I just need to get past that somehow. Otherwise idk. Not to be tmi, but I sent her pics/videos of me masturbating the other day for the first time (like sending for the first time) and I think that was a big step in the right direction to working up to doing physical things because I hate to even been seen naked at all as well. So it was a very vulnerable moment

It’s…frustrating, honestly. I am unfortunately a sex repulsed ace with a very high libido. So, I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, and I hate the thought of anyone touching me/having sex. But I still get horny. Its super confusing and annoying also since I’m married to someone who is NOT ace. I feel bad because I’ve been with my wife for 6 years and we’ve never done anything more than kiss, but I just can’t force more. I’ve been trying to work myself into doing more, so who knows. Maybe one day!

Edited to add: i love sexting and reading/writing smut tho! It makes me feel…normal

Found an old bookmark from an artist i liked years ago, cant remember what i read with it but theres smth abt having it again

today I found something extremely nice that someone wrote about the blair goddess project (bc I was randomly googling idk) and it made me feel really really good :) thank you to anyone who has ever said nice things about anything I have made. feels awesome to know when people Get It. it made me want to go back to working on my book because I’m still out here writing stories about friendship and selfish women

Ever feel like you seem like you’re doing ok on the surface level, but you have the overwhelming urge to fistfight god in a Denny’s parking lot at 2:00am?

Feeling pretty

Weh :(

Lately.

Maybe this will help.

Weh…

I’m not really sure how I feel about death, and I don’t know if there is an afterlife. but if the saying that your life flashes before your eyes when you die is true, and I hope it is, then I’m a little less scared because…there are memories I wish to relive and people I wish to see again. even if just for a moment.

i love painting my nails but the process of it is so 😭😭

Fiancé made me quit smoking so now I’m just sitting on the balcony with no cigarette like a fucking LOSER

Favorite animal is hard. I love axolotls but I also love bats! All kinds of bats, but I definitely recommend looking up the hoary bat (its so cute)

I prefer tea, but I’ll drink coffee so long as it isn’t just like straight coffee.

I want to be the sun to shine brightly in people’s lives, and I want to be the stars to be beautiful and create art in the sky, and I want to be the moon to give a small spot of hope in the darkness. I worry I’m none of them.

Such a small thing but I get so excited when people tag me in things

Like aaaaaaahhhh you thought of me 💖💖

I wish I could turn off the part of my brain that constantly likes to remind me of the possibility that anything I say can be taken the wrong way, or that I’ll say the exact wrong thing, to the point that it feels inevitable.

Unfortunately it is, as others have put it, The Disability Doing Its Thing. It isn’t about to stop. Literally the only way around it is to just either ignore it, or go “well, sure, but maybe they won’t massively misunderstand me” or “even if I do say the wrong thing, it’s not the end of the world.”

There’s posts I’ve seen go around that say things like “the people who are your friends like you flaws and all, including your annoying parts” are incredibly helpful. It’s far too often that I doubt it, that it’s easy to fall back on “in spite of.”

And the times when I’m most anxious and nervous of making a mess of everything, I just… catastrophise and have no idea how to say anything at all. Everything is second-guessed and third-guessed.

I saw a post with the sentiment of “I saw someone say something I disagreed with and wanted to correct them but eventually did not” earlier and as much as anything it made me think of how when I do say things and not censor myself, sometimes I don’t even think that it’s unwanted because my autism is making me so very fucking autistic that I don’t realise someone might not want to have someone say those things, or that people (individually or in general) might not see me putting down a logical explanation and/or breakdown of things as helpful.

This isn’t a vent. It’s just… it is what it is? To live with diagnosed social anxiety? And the good old “actually no I cannot turn off the annoying parts of the autism, they’re a package deal with me.”

Of course it’s not going to look or sound positive when it’s put bluntly.

So when “fake it ‘til you make it” is confidence-based, it hits that much harder trying to get back from mishaps, because each real mistake eats away at the confidence you need to get back up.

I guess all of this is part of why I treasure characters who do mess up and who do the things that are “the worst” and keep going beyond that, because they’re an example of the whole “well, sure, but it’s not the end of the world” idea. And tbh even if the character is fictional… someone out there has come up with them and they think that they’re worth pouring all that heart into. And isn’t that worth something as well?

It’s also… a pointed statement that anxiety disorders and such that affect them aren’t fun to live with, and that they are a disability in and of themselves, and how much effort it takes to Make Like A Duck and have everyone basically… not see the effort it can take to look 'normal’.

Its my bday, might splurge on some collage materials at the goodwill lol and maybe a bevvy✨️

The conversations around 2kawaii4comfort is so nostalgic. Seeing pictures and videos of cons and cosplays before anime became mainstream. Sometimes It’s so in my face I really do forget i was bullied and teased constantly for liking the medium. But it’s so heartwarming to see so many similar con stories whether they go right or wrong, it was just a more simple innocent time of my life.

Actually only getting one day/wk at work is so freeing, bcz when i see some bullshit and i go hehe not my problem 🥰

Sometimes I feel like Bella in New Moon when shes just…hollow

I have 3 (three) pages of fanfic written

Im perhaps dumb and will evidently just message tumblr users i dont know if its late enough and the spirit of sharing fandom works overtakes me. Im sorry tho i realize now it was not close enough to the relevant sub topic.

New venture of making cardigans for babies 💕 (I’ve also made them for Labubus lmao)