Can we talk about how weird being ace is? And how weird coming out is? Because for me, I expected it to not be nearly as big of a deal as it ended up seeming and it was a very different conversation than when I came out as bi.
Initially, I came out as pan to my mom (before I knew I had a preference), and she just said ‘but you don’t like girls’. I was at a loss for words because I was clearly saying that I did, but I think she meant that I never talked about girls to her growing up. There’s so many reasons why, though- I’m mostly attracted to men and she would ask me questions about boys, so there was no prompting for me to even begin to think about girls that way, or any indication that that would be okay. But because I prefer guys, I ended up slipping back into just saying I’m ‘bi-curious’ or nothing at all.
Being ace has always had a much bigger impact on me. I’ve always dreaded ‘that talk’ with guys and never really understood the appeal of being intimate or having an allo relationship. When I first heard the word ‘asexual’ it was from stumbling upon ace tiktok compilations and it immediately resonated with me. The first time I came out, I don’t really remember. I must have said something in passing, but the comments from my parents were ‘but it’s so natural, how could you not want to experience that?’ Or a combination of things about me being too young to worry about that.
One thing my dad said to me really early on, in a very tentative conversation about it, was something along the lines of ‘just do what feels right’. Kind of like saying he didn’t really care as long as I was happy, just to live in the moment. Such a small comment but I still remember it, because I am an adult now and still, the thing that feels most ‘right’ to me, in this moment, is still using the label. It feels like me. It makes me happy.
A lot of people believe sexuality is fluid- I do, too. As you grow and change, your labels might, too. But I think forcing myself to do anything that feels unnatural- using labels or not, trying to fit any identity perfectly- has caused me the most stress. My parents still don’t really get it, so I avoid the topic with them, but I take what they say with a grain of salt and I thought maybe some of my experience could resonate with my fellow aces. Maybe my dads advice could help you, too.
