When did I get so cynical and stop seeing the smaller joys in life? When did I get hateful and how do I stop it? I’ve been coming at things and people with hostility and mistrust for so long instead of grace and gentleness like I used to. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. Don’t really know how to like myself either. But I love myself always the way you love your mom or your sister. Just like who even is she right now why am I being so mean to her and why is she being so mean to me and why are both of us being so mean about other people? Can we calm down?

Feels sometimes like no one knows me I keep falling out with friends but I don’t even know me and maybe the people I actually want to be friends with are too healthy for the person I am right now.

Brain says my fiance is shallow disconnected unemotional and doesn’t want this with me the way I want it. I am also pregnant very hormonal and not sure I’m in a very confident loving place in my life right now, so how could I even recognize if he was being loving? I didn’t feel like this before pregnancy, atleast as strongly as I do right now. It’s overwhelming.

Shits depressing, this pregnancy hasn’t gone the way I expected it to go. Isn’t how it went last time. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe that means my hormones are actually working because last pregnancy was a miscarriage. Being reminded of that is also adding to this weird pessimistic depression.

I feel so far away from who I thought I was or who I used to be and I don’t know to get back to a place where I like myself and like the people I’m close to.

To hate your own birthday is a different kind of hell.

I should be a mom.

And I am not.

My body was a tomb for my unborn daughter.

I miss you Charlotte. I would have done everything to protect you.

I should be a mom. And this day hurts.

I Was Supposed To

I was supposed to meet you.

That thought sits in my chest

like something unfinished,

a sentence cut off

in the middle of a breath.

People talk about miscarriages

like they’re statistics,

like they’re common,

like that somehow makes them smaller.

But you weren’t common to me.

You were everything

that was about to happen.

You were mornings

with sleepy smiles,

tiny socks lost in the laundry,

a laugh I had never heard before.

And instead

I got silence.

I got doctors’ voices

too calm,

too practiced

at saying the worst things gently.

I got a body

that felt like it had betrayed me.

I got to walk back into the world

pretending nothing had happened

while carrying a grief

most people couldn’t even see.

It makes me angry sometimes.

Angry that the world kept going.

Angry that my arms are empty.

Angry that something so small

could leave a hole this big.

Because you were supposed to be here.

You were supposed to cry,

to grow,

to take your first breath

in a room full of love.

Instead

you left before the world

even knew you existed.

But I knew.

And that has to count

for something.

I have been sick longer than my baby was alive

to my baby boy,

happy would-be-first birthday. you were loved more than you’ll ever know and I will never forget you or fully recover from losing you. i can’t wait til the day i can hold you in my arms again

love,

mama

Recently I’ve been having to deal with trauma dates. People being gone both in death and just out of my life. There’s one trauma that hurts. That I don’t even know if it actually happened. I’m posting just in case someone in hashtags could help. I’m looking for womens support, opinions, help. I guess? On what it was/what happened? Oviassly massive tmi warning. Extremely personal post. This I’ve never told anyone. It’s a secret I’ve kept to myself. Haven’t told not even one person this.

All I remember is what happened. I had a boyfriend. I was a teenager. 15-16? I have no idea due to trauma it’s blocked out. I don’t remember. I don’t know sometimes we had sex sometimes it was coerced not the point. The relationship was abusive. I had very abnormally long periods. I have always had extremely heavy periods. When I didn’t have a period it was for 1-2 days 3-4 if I was extra lucky. Well during us having sex or me being coerced I ended up having a time where it was around ¾ months of no period at all. That had never happened before. One day I get up to use the bathroom. I pee. Then I feel pressure and discomfort and have the feeling to push. I pushed. It felt like I peed but out of my vagina. An explosion of liquid. When I looked I saw some bright red blood some dark red blood. And for a split second I saw something. A chunk. I’ve seen chunks in my period before. Uterus lining. Normal. This was the largest clump I’d seen. I don’t know. Like a small but a bit large circle. It was a light red ish color I guess. Like I know what chunks of uterus lining look like especially with my heavy periods. It looked nothing like that. Totally different. I felt weird. I had never had the need to push. I had never felt a fast rush like that with my periods. As I’ve said heavy periods and all the time. I know my body I know how the blood feels. It was a completely different feeling. When it happened I felt like it wasn’t normal. It didn’t feel normal. Didn’t look normal. My first reaction was to see what it was. Then to call my mom to help see what it was. To say it wasn’t normal. To say I didn’t feel right. I stood there for a while wondering. Eventually I flushed and just went to my room. Just started dissociating. I was so scared. I was so scared I pretended it never happened. Part of me thinks oh I’m crazy it’s probably just built up period blood or something. I don’t know if that’s a thing. Maybe it built up. Maybe it was a large chunk of lining with a heavy built up period. But after researching what happened fits miscarriage symptoms. I looked up photos of miscarriages and it looks like exactly what I saw. Trying to forget and pretend if didn’t happen is catching up with me. I had a friend for a bit who had two miscarriages. And one who babysat a little girl. When they’d talk about it I couldn’t help but think about that day. I once again tried to forget and ignore. But now during these trauma dates and no longer having those friends I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m not sure why. Sometimes I really think I might have been pregnant and miscarried really early. If I was pregnant I had no idea. I was scared and wasn’t thinking right. I didn’t think to think about pregnancy. I just assumed it was my body being messed up. It’s always been messed up. I’ve always been sick. I know its awful to some but I was a mentally ill kid with abuse around me. Part of me wanted a baby. I know messed up to some people. I know it wasn’t right I was so young. But I wanted one. I was in an abusive relationship but I loved him so much. I thought I found someone and I wanted kids. I’ve always wanted kids. I was always my little cousins babysitter. I was always the church babysitter babysitting a room full of kids at a time. So now thinking of people who passed and hurting. I can’t help but think what if I was pregnant. What if I did miscarry. It upsets me. It hurts. Part of me thinks I’m definitely crazy it was just a heavy built up period. But the what if I was pregnant keeps crossing just mind. Especially with research. It sounding the same looking the same. I don’t know. I was a scared kid. I don’t know and I might never know.

That’s my never told story. Please. I know maybe I’m overthinking just the timing of it. The research I’ve done. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe it’s true. I’m not sure but can someone please let me know their thoughts. Anyone with heavy periods or anyone who has miscarried before. Please let me know your thoughts on what happened. I’d appreciate it❤️

My partner and I went to an obgyn appt (as he likes to say, our obgyn).

Our obgyn spoke to a high risk ob and the assessment they gathered was the miscarriage was likely due to placental abruption.

It makes sense since I also had a subchorionic hematoma and a consequence of that can be placental abruption.

I cried more than I expected. I always cry more than I expect.

What Causes a Recurring Miscarriage? —

https://www.draprajitasrivastava.in/what-causes-a-recurring-miscarriage/

A guide exploring common and less obvious reasons for repeated pregnancy loss, including hormonal imbalances, uterine issues, genetic factors, and when to seek specialist evaluation.

How did we feel about the ending of the 2026 Wuthering Heights movie? I knew it wasn’t going to follow the book and that’s fine. The only thing I’m unsure of is the director’s choice to kill off the second half of the book by giving Catherine a miscarriage. As someone who just went through one, I wonder what this choice means. Was it just an easy way out? If so, that feels lazy and angers me.

Why does it anger me? 😅 My miscarriage was at 5 weeks, so it definitely didn’t look like that. Do I even have a right to be upset about it? What does the director convey through this change? The original Cathy died, but still gave birth. Then the cycle continues. But why do this to her chatacter in the movie? Maybe to signify her totally giving up? But it feels unfair to just have Catherine dismiss it. Or maybe her grief was also losing the baby.

I really want to talk about this with people, but I’m not open about my miscarriage. Any thoughts out there with similar experiences?

also update: i miscarried a few months back so it’s been kind of hard getting back into writing, but i’m doing loads better! so send in your requests!

All I can say to is I feel like I’m coming out of a fog. I had a miscarriage and had to have surgery because I was 9 weeks pregnant and it had no heartbeat and was not passing on its own. I had to have a d&c surgery. That was done Wednesday 2/18. Before that I was having severe nausea. I also have Endometriosis and Ulcerative Colitis.

After the surgery they sent me home with a few pills told me I should be fine in a few days and to rest but I began experiencing pain that I’ve never been through before that brought me to the hospital on Saturday there I spoke to a grief counselor and they got my pain more under control. I got the d&c surgery done at planned parenthood. But the hospital still made sure to send me home with enough pain pills to last me the rest of the week. They were appalled that I was only given five 5 pills. Especially with me having Endometriosis and the pain got worse this week when the bleeding finally started. The Er gave me 10 more pills.

I was also told it could be a sign of my Endometriosis progressing. Being that many who have Endometriosis don’t make it pass the second trimester. But the cramps from the miscarriage also feels like contractions I felt pain shooting down my legs and into my back and ribs.

I also have Bipolar 2 I’ve been concerned that I’m in a hypomanic episode and my mental health perscriber did not want to make much adjustments because of my hormones. My anxiety is through the roof. My sleeping schedule is a mess. My anxiety is still high. I just hope my hormones goes down soon.

More People Are Having Abortions At Home. Here’s Who They Call When They Have Nowhere Else To Turn.

Alanna Vagianos at HuffPost:

April Lockley usually fields calls as a volunteer provider for the Miscarriage and Abortion hotline while taking care of her 3-year-old daughter at home. It can be tricky to juggle hotline calls while also entertaining her toddler, but Lockley believes her daughter understands what she’s doing on some level.

“She doesn’t really know the concept of an abortion yet. We’re working on the uterus right now,” Lockley laughed in a phone conversation with HuffPost. “But she knows that mama helps people.”

Lockley, a family medicine doctor, abortion provider and medical director of the M+A hotline, mainly monitors texts and calls from her apartment in New York City. But she has fielded hotline calls from the back of an Uber, while grocery shopping and even a few times when she was getting her hair done. She’s usually on a four- to six-hour shift alone, during which she may field dozens of questions.

Some people are calling with simple questions: “Can I take ibuprofen after using abortion pills?” Others are in need of immediate support while managing an abortion at home: “Am I bleeding too much?” “Am I not bleeding enough?” Some calls can be heartbreaking: “I had a positive pregnancy test but now I’m bleeding. Am I having a miscarriage?”

Since Roe v. Wade fell, many callers are filled with concern: “If I go to the emergency room, will they call the police?”

[…]

Reproductive health experts saw the writing on the wall after the first Trump administration: It wasn’t about if federal abortion protections would fall but when. In light of this looming reality, a group of physicians created the M+A hotline in 2019.

Nearly four years after the fall of Roe, 21 states have enacted abortion restrictions, including 14 near-total bans. But the number of people getting abortions in the U.S. has actually increased, in large part because of telehealth abortion care. Telehealth abortions — when a physician virtually prescribes abortion pills to a patient and sends the medication by mail — now account for one-quarter of all abortions in the country. Self-managed abortions using pills — when people access abortion pills without the help of a physician — also increased post-Roe.

Both types of abortions are safe and effective, and have become a lifeline for people in states where care is banned. But Republicans across the U.S. are ratcheting up their efforts to restrict them.

“We recognize that abortion access has never been great in this country, but after the first Trump administration, we knew it was going to get worse and worse,” Lockley said. “This hotline was an important piece of infrastructure to continue to help people and answer their questions throughout their abortion or miscarriage.” (The M+A hotline refers callers with legal concerns to the Repro Legal Helpline.)
[…]
The threat of criminalization is very real for physicians, too. Although state shield laws protect providers who prescribe abortion pills by mail, a handful of red states have sued abortion providers from blue states. Lockley and her colleagues at the hotline are not prescribing abortion pills, but they often educate callers on how to access them.

Since the Dobbs decision by SCOTUS that overturned Roe 4 years ago, the rate of abortions in homes have increased, thanks to strict abortion bans enacted in red states before and especially since Dobbs.

There is no heartbeat.

So why is he moving?

Is menstruation suppose to cause uncontrollable grief and emotional pain like one has had a miscarriage EVERY time it happens?

Pregnant Woman Miscarried After Motorcycle Crash in Johor Baru

JOHOR BARU – A 26-year-old pregnant woman suffered a miscarriage after her motorcycle crashed into a car on Jalan Masai Kong Kong at 9.27pm on Feb 14. Police said the car, driven by a 40-year-old man, suddenly changed lanes, causing the victim to collide with its rear.

Woman Miscarried

She sustained internal injuries and was rushed to Hospital Sultan Ismail, where emergency surgery was…

Pregnant Woman Miscarried After Motorcycle Crash in Johor Baru

I know everyone has feelings about “Wuthering Heights”. It’s a piece of fanfiction! It’s a reinterpretation, it’s an abomination, it’s… blablabla. I KNEW it would not be book accurate. But man I was not prepared for the final change they made at the end.

Going into that movie ALONE at 6 weeks pregnant being prepared for Cathy’s death and book-style child abuse was one thing, but that ending deserved a trigger warning. Walked home absolutely sobbing

Trigger warnings illness and miscarriage (not mine)

It’s been two days since Sunny7 stayed at home because her ears were hurting so much at night from the cold she was having, and now Sunshinekid2 has spent the evening throwing up.

Like, so much

I hope it’s not a stomach bug but from something he ate because I really, really don’t want to have that kind of stomach bug

Ugh

Also my sister had a miscarriage this weekend and went to get an abortion for the cells that were left. 11 weeks along, she had a heartbeat on time but it was gone on Monday. It would have been her first baby. I wanted to go visit but Sunny was ill on Tuesday and yesterday they took forever to get her into surgery (scheduled for the morning, actually took place in the afternoon) so I couldn’t pick her up as intended

Then again if it’s a stomach bug after all she is probably glad not to have it on top

I’m just so glad when winter is over

I’m so fucking sad it goes beyond hurt and beyond yearning

i always wanted to be a mother…

when i was a really young kid, a barely ever fantasized about or planned my future, i never had a picture of the person i wanted to grow into.

the reason? i prayed to god all the time, that i wouldn’t be alive long enough to become an adult.

the only “goal” i had for my adult self, something i wanted in case i did make it to adulthood.. i wanted to have a kid or three. its the only thing that made living that long, seem intriguing. i always thought id be a good mom. im caring and empathetic and i used to babysit a lot and also loved every second i got to spend with those kids that loved me like family. i also craved the feeling of being needed from at least 1 person. i craved having someone look at me like im their whole world.

i’m 24 now. a lot of years has passed and my want to be a mom someday is still strong. but as the years have gone by, my feelings around it have grown complicated and scary.

when i was 20 i had a miscarriage. i was probably only a month or two along, and had only found out a few days before miscarrying.

i was using heroin at that time. when i found out i was pregnant i was so excited and started to fantasize and promise myself that i was gonna get clean soon and get my shit together with my bf at that time. but i should’ve stopped using the drugs the second the test came back positive, instead i procrastinated it. that day gave me a huge dose of reality that frankly is still hard to swallow.

i didn’t put that baby first. i put my selfish needs before a baby that i wanted so so badly. i thought that i finally had something worth living for. that raising my baby would give my life purpose, i was so thrilled to be having a baby with my bf. i had dreamed of it basically since meeting him. and i had that chance, and we both chose drugs just like we had with every other choice that laid before us.

i knew 100% that my miscarriage was my fault, but for a few months, despite whole heartedly knowing im to blame, i told myself that there could have been a number of reasons that our baby died so early on. saying “maybe i need to see a doctor about my fertility” or “if i would’ve found out earlier, my baby would’ve survived because i would’ve gotten clean earlier” that “it was already too late, even if i got clean the day before my baby probably wouldn’t have made it.” i also blamed it on my lack of food and nutrient intake. and how high my stress levels were lately, being freshly homeless for the millionth time, and being relatively fresh into my relapse ( i got out of rehab only 2 and ½ to 3 months, or so, prior).

i told myself excuses to shut up the part of my brain that was screaming the truth and that kept reminding me of how horrible of a mother i am. i failed before i could even begin. i failed in a way that moms aren’t ever supposed to. that only the worst of the worst of moms do. before this, i’d hear stories of women using drugs or drinking during their pregnancy, and i couldn’t fathom how they could do that to their baby. but realizing that im that person. i’m the same as every other mother i had called abusive and unfit and not worthy of motherhood, etc.

so now, the only thing i had to look forward to in my entire life, the only thing deemed worthy enough to keep going for, seems so much farther from reach, like nothing but a fantasy. not because of anyone or anything other than myself and my actions.

my miscarriage sparked thoughts about whether i should be in charge of the wellbeing of any living thing. or make decisions that’s could effect their entire life, im clearly horrible at navigating life. and what if im cursing this poor baby to a life full of suicidal ideation, mental illness and addiction? what if i ruin my baby’s life by deciding to have them, and all i do is produce another miserable existence?

my miscarriage taught me a hard lesson. im incapable of being a good mother or providing a kid with a fulfilling life. i dont know how to be happy, how can i create happiness for a whole other person? all i know is how to produce trauma for myself, its not fair to bring a kid into that kind of life.

i just proved to myself once again that i should’ve killed myself in those early years of my depression. i proved that making it this long wasn’t worth it and never will be.

kayden harper