Meaner than my demons
A new installment in the Ministry of Supernatural Investigations series is up, featuring Edwin and Crystal bonding under duress, which means lots of snark, lots of danger, and the horrors of finding out that you a whole lot in common with your most annoying coworker.
You can either read the first couple of scenes below or read the whole thing here on AO3!
Rating: M
Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence
Relationships: Edwin & Crystal; temporary David/Crystal; minor Crystal/Niko
Summary: During what should be a routine transfer of a demonic artifact, Crystal learns that her boyfriend and partner, David, has been possessed by a demon for years and now wants to use the tablet to open a portal to Hell. On the run with her professional nemesis, Edwin Payne, Crystal has to reevaluate everything she thought she knew.
***
Crystal doesn’t need to be a psychic medium to know that her day has already gone to shit when she gets to the office on a Friday morning to learn that Assistant Director Nurse wants to see her. It’s the last thing she needs after she and David just spent the last two weeks on an ugly case involving a jinn, a vengeful ex-husband, and a string of dead bodies all over London. Crystal barely got a wink of sleep last night, unable to stop thinking of the poor women she was too late to save, and she really wanted to do nothing today but sit at her desk and do paperwork.
“If she wanted to debrief about the case, she could’ve just waited until she got our report,” Crystal mutters as they ride the elevator up to Nurse’s seventh floor office.
“Maybe she wants to yell at you about the unicorn thing again.” Unlike Crystal, David doesn’t look like he lost a second of sleep over the jinn case. He never seems to have a problem with leaving work at the office.
Crystal glares at him. “Do you really need to keep bringing that up?”
“Sorry, babe,” he says, though he’s grinning, not looking all that sorry. “You have to admit it’s a little funny.”
[[MORE]]Crystal doesn’t dignify that with an answer, because she doesn’t consider nearly getting Niko Sasaki eaten by a unicorn funny. Though in her defense, who the fuck expects unicorns to be carnivorous? Unicorns are supposed to be all rainbows and sunshine, just like Niko. She thought the biggest risk was that Niko would probably want to keep the thing as a pet, and Crystal would have to fill out a ton of paperwork about a unicorn-napping.
“Relax.” David nudges her. “It’s just a meeting.”
“You’re not the one Nurse has it out for.” Crystal’s mom and Assistant Director Nurse used to be partners, back before Maddy transferred to the International Department and Nurse got promoted. Apparently, they loathed each other, and Crystal is pretty sure Nurse has been looking forward to an excuse to demote her to the mail room for years now.
“Does that old bitch like anyone? Besides Payne, I mean.”
Crystal snorts. “Guess that’s the secret to getting her to like me. Wearing lots of tweed.”
“Don’t forget the stick up your ass,” David says with a smirk.
When they step off the elevator onto the seventh floor, they find one of Nurse’s assistants—Crystal can never tell them apart and doesn’t really try—sitting at her desk and looking worried. Always looking worried seems to be a requirement of working for Assistant Director Nurse. ‘“They’re waiting for you,” she tells Crystal and David.
Crystal exchanges looks with David, wondering who could be waiting with Nurse, before rapping on the assistant director’s door.
“Come in!” Nurse barks.
Barely containing an eye roll, Crystal pushes open the door. Nurse sits behind her desk, wearing her usual brown pantsuit with her long red hair gathered up in twin victory rolls. She’s no older than her mid-forties, but she always has an air of someone who just stepped out of World War II, which might be why she and Edwin get along so well.
Speaking of…
Edwin Payne stands on the other side of Nurse’s desk. As usual, he’s posed like he should be standing outside of Buckingham Palace in a red coat and a fuzzy black hat: back straight and chin lifted haughtily. In contrast, his partner, Agent Russell, leans against Nurse’s bookcase, looking bored. Russell is a recent transfer from the International Office, a few inches shorter than Edwin and burly with a ruddy complexion and sandy hair.
At the sight of Crystal and David, Edwin looks no happier to see them than Crystal is to see him. They haven’t spoken since he chewed her out after the unicorn incident, and that was fine with her. As far as she’s concerned, the less time she has to spend in a room with Edwin Payne, the better. As for Russell, she doesn’t know him well, but something about him annoys her. He’s a few years away from retirement and he has an air like he’s doing them all a favor just by being there, when he’s an average agent at best.
“Excellent, you two made it,” Nurse says in a tone like she’s been waiting forever, when Crystal and David came as soon as they got the message that she wanted to see them. “Please, join us.”
Reluctantly, Crystal goes to stand next to Edwin, David on her other side. “Is everything okay?”
“For now. Which is why I’ve called the four of you here, as we’d like it to stay that way.” Nurse sits back in her chair and surveys them. “Three days ago, Agents Kahn and Black prevented the murder of a young woman by a cult with aspirations of opening a gate to Hell.”
Crystal has heard Shelby and Irene talking about the case in the break room, but she’s been too busy with the jinn and its master to pay much attention.
“The cult was attempting to use a stone tablet to power the ritual,” Nurse says. “After thorough examination, we’ve determined that the tablet is laden with a great deal of dark magic. We think it may genuinely have the power to open a gate to Hell.”
“Actual Hell?” David sounds incredulous.
“Fortunately for us, Agent Fisher, there’s only one Hell that we know of.” Nurse gives him an annoyed look at the interruption. “And we can’t be certain, as no one has any desire to test it, but it’s better to err on the side of caution. The tablet needs to be transferred to the Vault immediately.”
Crystal bites back a groan as all her plans for the weekend vanish before her eyes. Vault assignments can take days, if not weeks. She’s supposed to get brunch with Bekka on Sunday, and they haven’t seen each other in like six month. This will be the third time in a row Crystal has had to cancel plans, and it’s not like she can tell her friends she keeps missing brunches and birthdays because she’s chasing jinns and demons. They think she has some boring bureaucratic desk job.
“All of you have been on Vault assignments before, but I’ll review the expectations.” Nurse gives David and Crystal a beady-eyed look, like she thinks they in particular need the reminder. “You’ll be given an hour to go home and collect your things. In an hour, you’ll reconvene here, at which point one of you will be chosen at random to be handcuffed to the briefcase containing the tablet. Those handcuffs won’t come off you until you arrive at the final drop off point.”
Crystal rubs at her wrists. Last time she went on a Vault assignment, she was the one who had a briefcase handcuffed to her for over a week, and it sucked.
“As soon as you leave London, you’ll be contacted with a drop-off point,” Nurse continues. “Your destination will almost certainly change several times, so all four of you need to keep your phones on you. You’re only to stop when instructed to for food, petrol, and lodgings. You’re not to tell anyone where you’re going. And most importantly, whoever is handcuffed to the briefcase is not to be left unattended for even a minute.
“If something goes wrong and someone attempts to intercept you, it’s paramount that you make it to the last drop-off point that you were given. Your first priority must be the security of the tablet. If it falls into the wrong hands, it could be disastrous. Does anyone have any questions?”
Next to Crystal, Edwin steps forward. “Assistant Director Nurse, I’m simply wondering if perhaps more… responsible agents would be a better choice for this assignment.”
Nurse arches an eyebrow at him. “And what do you mean by that, Agent Payne?”
“Certain agents have shown remarkably poor judgment as of late.” He doesn’t look at Crystal, but he doesn’t have to. “I’m wondering if it’s wise to trust them with something so important.”
“Are you still being pissy about the unicorn?” Crystal snaps.
“The unicorn that nearly killed one of our analysts because of your irresponsibility? Yes.”
“It was a mistake.” And one that Crystal already feels really shitty about and has been raked over the coals by Nurse for. So why does everyone keep bringing it up?
“One that’s been dealt with,” Nurse says, to Crystal’s surprise. She figured Nurse would take the excuse to yell at her for her poor judgment again. “I selected the four of you because I think you’re the best agents for this job. Do you doubt my ability to determine which of my agents are qualified, Agent Payne?”
Edwin has the decency to look chastised. “No, of course not.”
David snorts quietly.
“Very well then,” Nurse says, shooting David a look as if to say “I heard that.” “If that’s all, the four of you should go home and pack. I expect you back here in exactly one hour.”
***
“Great, so who knows how long on we’ll be on the road with Edwin and Russell,” Crystal grumbles as she and David arrive back at the MSI office an hour later, their luggage in tow. “I thought the whole point of this was to stop someone from bringing about Hell on earth.”
David smirks. “We might open the door to Hell ourselves to get away from them.”
“Jesus, David, don’t joke about that here.” Crystal glances around reflexively, even though they’re the only ones on the elevator.
“Cheer up, babe.” David puts his hands on her shoulders, rubbing circles with his thumbs. “You’re so tense.”
Crystal closes her eyes and leans into the touch. “I had to cancel plans with Bekka again.”
David huffs a laugh. “At least you don’t have to spend all morning listening to her bitch about her latest boyfriend.”
She snorts, because he’s not wrong—she’s never met anyone with worse taste in men than her best friend—then immediately feels shitty about it. “She probably thinks I’m an asshole.”
“Do you care? Last time you saw her, you said you two don’t have anything in common anymore.”
“She’s my best friend.” Which may say more about Crystal’s lack of a life outside work than how close she is with Bekka.
“Hey.” He squeezes her shoulders. “It’s not that bad. Weren’t you just saying we should take a vacation?”
“Yeah, some vacation, lugging around a demonic artifact and staying at the shittiest motel the MSI can find.”
“You and I can still manage to have a good time.” His voice dips seductively. “We always do.”
Crystal shrugs him off. “I’m not fucking you in a seedy motel room, especially not right next to something that could open a gate to Hell.”
“Oh, come on—”
The elevator door slides open on the fourth floor and Niko Sasaki steps on, dressed head-to-toe in bubblegum pink and smelling like strawberries. When she sees Crystal, she smiles brightly and Crystal is hit with the full force of her presence. It’s like sinking into a warm bath; she can actually feel some of the tension leaving her.
The thing is that with most people, reading their minds means seeing that whatever’s happening inside doesn’t match what they show the world. It’s grabbing your girlfriend’s hand and realizing that she’s thinking about another girl. It’s hugging your mom and learning that she’d rather be anywhere else than here with you. It’s bumping into a nondescript stranger on the Tube and hearing their vile thoughts about you.
It’s one of the things that drew her to David, that he doesn’t bother with the veneer that everyone else puts on. What he’s thinking is what comes out of his mouth, and in turn, he never expects her to hold back what she’s thinking either. Knowing that he means exactly what he says is a breath of fresh air after a lifetime spent pretending she doesn’t know what everyone around her really thinks of her.
But Niko is one of the rare cases of someone who is just as sweet as she seems, full of optimism, joy, and warm interest that makes Crystal’s insides flutter. It’s downright addicting being around her and knowing that there’s no malice behind the smile she always wears. And for some reason, she actually seems to like Crystal, even after Crystal almost got her eaten by a unicorn.
“Crystal!” Niko says excitedly. “Edwin told me you two were going on a super secret mission.”
“Yeah.” Crystal doesn’t get why Niko is best friends with Edwin fucking Payne, but given that she lights up with happiness whenever Crystal walks into a room, she must just have shit taste in people. Or maybe Edwin is less of a pain in the ass to her than he is to everyone else, but Crystal doubts it.
“It’s less super secret if Payne’s running his mouth to everyone,” David snipes, as if there’s such thing as a real secret around here.
Niko’s smile dims a fraction when she looks at David, as does the bubble of happiness surrounding her. “He just told me. We were going to have dinner tonight, so he wanted me to know why he couldn’t make it.”
“Sorry to deprive you of his company.” David turns a smirk on Crystal, like he’s trying to invite her in on the joke.
Crystal ignores him. She loves David, but he doesn’t know when to quit sometimes. “We should hopefully have him back in a few days. It shouldn’t take long.” Please, fuck, let it not take long. If she has to strangle Edwin, she’ll feel really about about making Niko sad.
“Just be careful,” Niko says. “Edwin told me about the tablet. It sounds scary.”
David guffaws. “It’s like it’s our job to deal with scary.”
Crystal speaks over him. “We’ll be careful. The whole point of the Vault is so it goes somewhere where it can’t hurt anybody.”
The elevator stops on the fourth floor and Niko steps off the elevator, turning to smile at Crystal. “See you when you get back!”
“See you—” The doors slide closed in Crystal’s face, taking the warmth of Niko’s presence. She lets out a long breath as the elevator continues its upward climb.
“You know, she’s cute,” David says slyly. “If you want—”
“No,” Crystal snaps, keeping her face turned away from him. She’s pretty sure David’s picked up on her stupid schoolgirl crush on Niko, even if he hasn’t said anything about it directly. She knows she hasn’t been subtle, gazing moony-eyed at Niko whenever they’re in the same room. It’s only surprising that Niko herself doesn’t seem to have noticed. Surprising and a relief, because Crystal really would have to open up that portal to Hell and throw herself in if Niko caught on.
“Oh, come on.” David’s voice dips. “I think she’d be fun. The sweet ones always surprise you.”
“She’s not going to have a threesome with us, David.”
“That’s okay. I don’t mind sitting back and watching.”
Crystal turns to glare at him. “Stop being fucking gross about our coworker.”
David must see she’s serious, because his smile turns apologetic. “Sorry, babe,” he says, throwing an arm around her. “You know I’m just joking.”
“I know,” Crystal says, annoyed, both with herself and with David. She has a boyfriend, and yet she can’t stop thinking about Niko Sasaki with her pretty smile and her smell of strawberries. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with her?
They don’t talk again until they’re walking into Assistant Director Nurse’s seventh floor office and find Edwin and Russell already there. Just one look at Edwin tells Crystal he’s going to be a pain in the ass; his arms are crossed over his chest and he’s tapping his foot irritably. Nurse looks equally unhappy, her eyes narrowing as Crystal and David step through the door.
“You’re late,” she bites out.
A glance at the clock tells Crystal it’s been an hour and three minutes since Nurse dismissed them. She opens her mouth to apologize—even though she really wants to tell Nurse to chill the fuck out—but she breaks off with a gasp as a wave of dark energy hits her. Her eyes fall on the nondescript brown leather briefcase sitting in the middle of Nurse’s desk and she has to resist the urge to back away.
Even without touching it, Crystal can feel the malevolence emanating from whatever’s in that briefcase. It coats the back of her tongue and makes the hair on her arms prickle. Cold sweat beads on the back of her neck and at her hairline. She doesn’t want to get into a car with that thing. She doesn’t even want to be in the same country as it. There isn’t a single doubt in her mind that whatever’s in that briefcase could open a gate to Hell and end the world.
“Creepy, isn’t it?” Agent Russell asks casually. “It makes my skin crawl.”
“Yeah.” Crystal can’t look away from the briefcase, the same way she wouldn’t be able to look away from a carnivorous unicorn about to charge at her. Every single one of her instincts is telling her that she’s in the presence of something that wants her dead.
“So you can see why this is important.” Assistant Director Nurse looks down at the briefcase with trepidation. “This tablet must get to the Vault as soon as possible. I shudder to think what would happen were it to fall into the wrong hands.”
***
