#Venting

Knowing ill never be able to be one of the guys

One small thing at a time, right?

Ugh I need to work on my mod but I need something from the tutorial explained to me and honestly asking people for help in the Cyberpunk community scares the hell out of me, I’ve seen people get harassed out of servers I’d thought were chill for asking pretty standard questions so knowing the modding server I’m currently in is largely pretty nice isn’t really helping me calm down about it. Also I can’t figure out how to phrase questions when I’m this anxious so that’s not helping

I have so much to do and its all time sensitive but I just cant bring myself to start. I need to get started but its feels like a 101 things instead of just the 5

RANT

I just feel like I’m either resistant to meds or just not diagnosed right. I’ve been pushing for my therapist to see if I might be bipolar-depressive instead of just depression and anxiety. I feel great on meds for a bit and then it levels out and I went to kms. She raises it and then it’s that cycle over and over until we try another new medicine. I’ve been through this cycle on and off for a very long time and I feel so helpless. She is scared to diagnose me because it’s a serious diagnosis… exactly. I’m afraid if she eventually realizes then it will just be too late for me.

ffs

I was trying to tell him how bad my depression has been lately and he just turns around and throws it in my face always somehow. Says that I’m just jealous that he’s been doing better mentally. Yes, because I’m the one to push you to be better and reminding you about your meds. How tf can you spit in my face like that bro. Idk

I am so done with my abandonment issues. I’m 34 now, I’ve done yeeaaarrs of therapy, can the triggers stop now??? I can’t continue to behave like a sad little girl every time I need to deal with something on my own. Like who am I trying to convince that I’m a strong indépendant woman?

I need my inner child to suck it up and trust adult me! WE DONT NEED ANYONE THIS BAD FFS

a vacation that doesn’t help you relax in the way you want to relax is a wasted vacation. if you feel more exhausted after your vacation than you did before your vacation, then that was not a vacation at all. starting this year, I’m no longer going to waste my time taking vacations that are not in fact restful to me. I need my rest, otherwise I become a massive fucking bitch and become more insane than I already am. I don’t need some flashy vacation where I take a shit ton of pictures in places I’ll immediately forget the name of as soon as I leave. there are so many places my family has visited over the years, and I honestly can’t remember most of them or what we did or what we saw. We have pictures of us in places that I can’t remember and I honestly don’t care to. I know I sound like a massively spoiled brat. If I could give someone who wants to travel the opportunity to switch bodies with me during these family vacations, I absolutely would in a heart beat. I need vacations where all I do is bed rot, play video games, workout when I want to, catch up on my books and TV shows, eat good food, and do my other self-care shit. I literally could not care less about seeing museums that I’m going to forget as soon as I leave them, or monuments of places I do not give a fuck about. holy fucking shit.

Woke up with a migraine so I started work late and I’m so behind, and my coworker is being as unhelpful as possible. It’s going to be another week where I’m just barely holding it all together

im always waiting for some spontaneous burst of change in my heart like one day ill start being a Person and Doing Things People Do. and i wait for some magic thing to happen while doing nothing myself to start doing People Things

“Ah I’m not allowing myself to be on Discord for today as a sort of detox! The past 3 days I’ve been out of the house dealing with people and not being in the house has been making me feel icky.” To be fucking met with “Isn’t that how you’re supposed to normally live?” Like mother look at me. Look at me. I am mentally ill. You know this. Being told grandma got fucking hospitalized (she is doing better) and having a friend be forced into a psych ward after he tried to commit and then having to keep my normal demeanor is really fucking hard okay? Let me have a day to myself and not criticize every fucking thing I do please.

Finding out you’re being stalked and also having an active period of psychosis while also coming to terms with insane family secrets and wondering where tf you go from here will actually make you want to vomit and die when you get up from bed. Literally the start I’ve had to this year, at least I stopped drinking for the most part. But jfc. I look at books I could read or how I could draw or go somewhere and instead I’m like “Are they watching me? What were those strikingly clear voices in my head? Did she do that? What else is my sister hiding? Did our father really do that to us? I can’t speak to my mother about anything. She has to stay in her psychological coma.”

It also feels like my mother is dying, her 50+ years of smoking that only increased with age catching up more and more. I’m stuck thinking again how I’ve always felt like a passenger in my own life. But WHY that is!! Grappling with how it always felt monitored by someone, either within my family or outside. Waiting for me to fail or prove to them I can’t do it. Or else triggering my mothers insane anxiety at existence in a quiet moment. (Genuinely think her having a volatile angry violent but handyman helped soothe her since she could always “expect” his rages, arguing or taunts. Only to of course come back and sweep her into a hug proclaiming his love. All better now.) So you stop trying, stop speaking, stop moving. Stop doing anything. Combined with how both of my older siblings had dumpster fire relationships, burned out and confused, lost, miserable in their own ways in life. It makes you question doing anything at all, if it all leads to the same place. But at the same time I can feel my very body wanting to LIVE even if my mind rebels. It longs to stretch out, move, run, dance, explore, see what’s out there. While the mind clamps down on that. Wouldn’t want any reminders of personal failures or upset anyone, would we?

At least my mother said something offhandedly that shocked me that she’d openly say it of just “I think your problems is just you hate yourself so much that…” the rest of it blurring in my memory. I think It’s that but also a fear of being anyone at all. Within my family and early experiences with society, I learned quickly the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. I feel like from an early age I had this well of rage internally over it. A deep seething hatred for others, the world, myself. But at the same time I love deeply, I always try to be polite and kind towards others, use manners, be considerate. But your brain never forgets what was done to you, the things others say, how they look at you when you’re an outsider/other/troublemaker or seen as beneath them. Then you talk about it, you can’t stop when you’re alone. But then you even get angry at yourself for ruminating.

Goddamnit, I knew I had to get out of here even before I graduated high-school. But within the enmeshed family chaos after my abusive fathers sudden passing, I felt lost, stuck, sad. Like I was a villain for remaining here after he died, both older siblings shuttling off into toxic marriages and my mother gripping me to here as a new security blanket. Us literally yelling at one another in the kitchen at 19 when I said I wanted to go to school, move away from here, start my own life. But I saw how it upset her, how she acted like it was the most irrational and stupid thing, how it hurt her. So I listened, stayed with mama. If I were to bring it up to her today she’d just look at me startled and confused, saying she doesn’t remember that. She doesn’t remember a lot of things. Noticing more and more, especially reflecting on the past a lot of people in this family don’t remember anything about anything. Especially things that might make them look bad or is related to our father being anything but the kindest, most hardworking, charismatic, fun family mam that we all adored. He was just “troubled” but aren’t we all? (: /s

I fucking hate being a tranny

you’re going to criticize your own work more than someone who will appreciate it.

SO POST THAT FAN FIC

WRITE THAT STORY

NO APOLOGIES

someone will love your work, no matter how “bad” you think it may be.

(i say as im going through writer’s block)

i wish i wasn’t so paranoid all the time. idk how to cope with it. i’m terrified of being found and being harmed again :(

like i know it’s unlikely but at the same time i’m also convinced it will happen

See, the thing is… She whines that she’s getting yelled at for no reason, and that she did nothing wrong.

All she did was yell and scream first, or she made a comment about how dirty the house is (having done nothing to clean it), or she started in on her speech about having a horrible life unto which she never should have been born. That’s all! That’s all she did. Nothing wrong right?

All she did was say these things to a woman who is grieving her dead husband. All she did was wish herself dead in front of the woman who birthed her, and who just lost her husband. Nothing wrong right? So why should she be yelled at?

SOBBING.

James why. I trusted u. I let you see me vulnerable. Why. Why did you allow me to be the other woman. The original girlfriend deserves better. I also deserve better.

i think im pretty unlikable. Most of my friendships have ended in hostility. I try to be nice, I try to care for those I love and show up for people. I’m not sure what my problem is, but im sure its something. People just seem to not enjoy my company

🫧👹⚔️🎵🎶#️⃣☢️

Took a chance to check out the KPop Demon Hunters tags, since I don’t really check out the fandom, despite enjoying KPDH. And in both of the 2 I checked, there were people shitting on KPDH.

Guys. Learn to not post hate for things into their tags. Tags are for the people who love the thing. What if people went into a store you love or a convention about things you love, and just started screaming how much they hate that thing? Do you guys not think about how tags get used? Or do you guys not even think about having consideration for other people???? Practice empathy! We should be teaching internet etiquette IN SCHOOLS.

If you hate a thing, come up with your own tag, like #antithing or #hatething. People who hate KPDH don’t (or logically shouldn’t) go to tags for #KPDH. Please come up with tags like #antiKPDH or #hateKPDH or whatever fun insult you want. KPDH tags are for the people who love KPDH.

these days i haven’t been eating,

and i’ve barely gotten out of bed,

what’s happening to me?

i feel so tired all the time.

i feel the firey spirit in me die,

slowing seeping out in my tears,

as i fear my dread

of being a living corpse is coming true.

free me,

i cannot do it myself,

the suffering is intense,

this identity is once again torture.

i force myself to do basic tasks,

i try to hang out with friends,

i try to go to work,

just in an effort to stop the tears.

i’m slipping,

i thought this year would be different?

i feel like my worst fear is being realized,

and i don’t know what to do.