i really wanted today to be a good day, but all i feel is regret, exhaustion, anxiety, & stuff that idk how to name.
SPX has always been good for me, has always made me feel better, & inspired. that was why i allowed myself to go, & spend within a budget (& last year’s tips only). that’s why the fact i instead felt overwhelmed, flat, agitated, a lack of good feelings, a lack of excitement or inspiration… feels really, really bad.
and i still don’t have rides for the rest of faire. i’m literally begging for help, which feels bad & embarrassing to do, &… nothing. i know i’m nothing special or important or even good, but god, i need to be able to get rides to do this job. i have no other way to get there & back.
i so wanted today to be good, to have a break from the anxiety & depression, & instead, none of that happened. so on top of the ride fear, there’s that, &… i’m just so tired.
i try so hard, even if nobody thinks i do, & things never work out. i try so hard. and i’m just begging for something to go right. (bc on top of it all, i have a painful lump on my gums that makes chewing hurt, & idk if i have dental insurance. so now there’s that, too.)
i just want to give up. i’m exhausted. i’m defeated. i’ve tried so hard. even if nobody believes me, i’ve tried so hard.
i was already on empty. i’ve been trying, since getting out of the hospital, to get something, anything back to run on, but i’ve got nothing. i’m completely fucking defeated. i just want to cry. i just want to give up. why try, when nothing ever works? this isn’t me being dramatic, this is the reality of my life. i don’t know what to do anymore. and i am so, so tired.