Greenland Red Light
I don’t need to think about Greenland this much. It’s nothing personal against a country that seems very nice. Those outside the ‘land can appreciate the qualities it has such as ample elbow room, an indefinite chance to build a snowman army, and an ironic name. I might enjoy it if I had the opportunity to visit, so let me see if bus routes reach it. I’d likely spend the whole trip at a pub. Do they have pubs? If they do, I get desiring to acquire them, although it should be a free market transaction like buying a Greenland Pale Ale.
You can like a place without wanting to obtain it. The manufacturer’s suggested retail price would be irrelevant, as this attempted buyer has a history of stiffing the bill then telling the ripped off party to take it up in court. Donald Trump’s Greenland insanity is disturbing even by his standard. A piece of land known mostly to muskox has become the sole focus of someone who’s usually so subtle and balanced.
Does he know everything’s cold there? Queeg obsesses over frozen strawberries. Trump shouldn’t be deceived by the name Greenland. It’s one of the first marketing attempts. If anyone should be aware of a shady sales pitch, it’s the guy who tries conning marks into thinking slapping his name on anything makes the item a quality product for winners.
It’s bad enough that the supposed real estate baron bestows ludicrously inflated titles upon his own properties in an attempt to sucker buyers. But the erstwhile owner of the ironically-named Trump Plaza is apparently unable to avoid his own obvious tactics. Add an utter lack of self-examination to the list of his wonderful qualities.
The Oval Office needs a globe. Trump thinks the island of his lust is as huge as a Penthouse Pet’s enhancements because of the flat map syndrome. It differs from the flat Earth theory, which Trump may or may not believe. Indulging in the prototypical pointless conspiracy would explain much. Trying to push the orange peel down leads to stretching out parts near the poles. Big is better, if you haven’t kept up with the sophisticated way the incumbent sees everything.
Making Greenland the 52nd state after Canada is going as well as any other real estate deal he’s attempted. It’s almost like the world’s most notorious loudmouth is all talk. Trump’s more of a politician than anyone else ever born, which fails to shock anyone who noticed anything about his realty career.
We somehow went all this time without Greenland. America has been safe, too. Filling the landmass with landmines might deter stampeding commies from taking that particular path. But clever marauders might find another path, not to mention that the defense strategy could be harmful for livestock and humans.
The funny thing is I’d be open to it. Greenland is welcome aboard whenever they want. But it’s only appealing if they approached us about joining. Trump’s risible belief that he’s allegedly the alpha amongst alphas leads to rejection that’s hilarious for everyone but him and the schlubs who think their dreamboat serves as the ultimate conquerer. Norm and Cliff were less mortifying while living vicariously through Sam.
The offer sets the tone, which is why it goes nowhere. A president whose negotiating strategy is to open with preposterous terms and not budge is confused why the other party rolls eyes instead of genuflecting. Maybe he’s just trolling. It’s same way his fans are pleased about promoting reactions. They’re not worrying about whether or not their urge to needle for the sake of it makes any sense either in general or in attempts.
Being obnoxious about trying to conquer them is considered rude in Greenlandian culture. Any aspiring conqueror should’ve known that. But Trump has continued his tradition of never doing any research ever. He should at least be familiar with another place he wants to run ineptly.
The worst part of encountering lunacy is the necessity of the sane to respond. The anorak-level dedication is strong even considering the subject. Donald has usually petered out by now. I figured he would have moved on to his next ridiculous obsession. I figured he would have moved on to trying to obtain Iceland. That could be the place he already thought he was pursuing. He might be mixing them up like they’re his former partners. That applies to those of a romantic or business nature. He screwed over both.
Refusing to take Greenland’s no for an answer is creepy even by his standards. Like preventing customers from getting exact change, he gets stuck on stupid ideas. It’s what makes him a true leader. Trump should vow to eliminate Greenland’s pennies while raising prices with tariffs. He need to protect their economy from sneaky foreigners who want to undermine with lower prices for better goods.
The unwillingness to seek consent is an alarming theme. Pushiness is precisely the sort of off-putting tone that’ll make them turn against a union. The attempt’s style is precisely why it fails. We call that the Atlantic City standard.
A flailing attempt at a forced purchase says everything about the attempted buyer and not the resistant would-be seller. Trump wouldn’t know what to do if they asked to become Americans. With him in charge, that won’t be an issue.