Ok! Sorry this is so long overdue. My notes on the “How to Make M/s Relationships Last”! It is super long, there was just so much good information in there, I didn’t want to miss any of it!!!
The presenter calls it the STERA Method.
S-Structure and Ritual
T- Trust
E - Evolve
R - Resilience
A - Authenticity
Structure and Ritual
This is kind of the part that makes it feel like a dynamic. Not just in scenes or sex but in everyday life. It’s what makes the Master feel like a Master and the slave feel like a slave.
It can be anything from a mantra to honorifics, to a collar or clothes to rules. And, he cautions that it’s tempting to set up a lot of it, but, everytime you add a new element of structure, you run the risk of it becoming too much to maintain, for either the Master or the slave. And the relationships who seem to last the longest happily, are the relationships who find and navigate that balance.
The M/s dynamics that seem to last the longest happily, do not require micro management, typically. It may take some work to set up the structure and a little time for it to flow, but it shouldn’t need to be micromanaged by the Master. It needs some flexibility. Dynamics that utilize smaller rituals and routines more often than major performative rituals often last long and more successfully integrate M/s into their every day. It’s building structure into your life in a way that just flows, with little effort to maintain.
Different parts of structure may mean more to the M or the s. In one couple he’d interviewed, there were several parts of the structure that meant the world to the slave, but weren’t nearly as important or meaningful for the Master. But they’ve been together 20years, because the Master understands how important those things are to his slave.
And the relationships where something like that is happening and the Master (or slave if the opposite occurred) doesn’t understand the importance of something to their partner, are the relationships that are more likely to end or transition to something more vanilla.
What’s important is both parties communicating and working to build a structure that meets both people’s needs. It’s finding the compromises that work.
Structure is the container that lets the dynamic work. It’s what allows it to grow.
Trust (2 parts - responsibility/follow through, and consistency)
The more that the slave gives over to the Master, the more responsibility the Master must take. But sometimes a Master may not want to take responsibility for the impact that their control has on the slaves life, and that is not sustainable. He speaks a bit about his personal experience, as he has been in both roles in 24/7 dynamics. He said it was extremely difficult to have a Master who wanted full control, but then when he, the slave, had real world issues, the Master went “Well, that’s your problem to sort out.” It’s simply not a way to have a sustainable long term relationship or dynamic.
Masters who are more in their shadow are more likely to blame the slave when things go wrong, rather than to take that responsibility themselves as well. They want the power but push away from the responsibility, because a part of that responsibility is taking accountability when things go wrong.
“I learned the hard way that if I did not follow through, trust is broken.” - An English Leather Master
And there is a misconception that the slave can let go completely and it all falls to the Master, and, that’s not true either. The slave does bear responsibility to the relationship, vis verbalizing needs, wants, feelings, issues they’re having, making suggestions. Actively trying to solve things and trying to understand what needs to happen for the relationship to succeed.
The structure (the first pillar) works because _both_ sides take responsibility for their roles in it. Even when life gets busy and hectic. Especially when life is busy and hectic. That structure anchors the relationship, and reassures.
Trust is built in small steps. Did you do what you said you’d do.
Some masters will agree to do something and then wait for the slave to give up on it. And that’s not good.
One of the biggest disappointments from slaves that has been shared with him repeatedly, is if the slave find out that the master doesn’t really seem to care about their structure/protocol. That they don’t care if something doesn’t get done, they don’t hold the slave accountable to their agreement. It causes a massive sense of grief and sadness in the submissive.
It’s a part of why the structure has to be maintainable. Because the Master has to maintain consistency when/ if the slave becomes lax. The responsibility falls to both, but in this case, it is the masters responsibility to keep the slave accountable to their structure. When setting structure, it’s helpful to think “would I want to do this even if I had a bad day at work.”
Both need to turn up and be vulnerable in the dynamic. A lot of Masters don’t want to be vulnerable with their slave, and the result is that it limits the depth of the relationship. It forces a dead end where the relationship just can’t go much deeper.
He shared a personal experience where he told his slave that he was experiencing burnout and was about to go to a burn out retreat. After the retreat he asked his slave if they’d be interested in starting to date. And the fact the slave was willing to try to build something when he was at his most vulnerable, helped establish an immense amount of trust between them.
He said sometimes when they play, he gets emotional and finds tears, because he can open his heart up so much with his slave.
“It’s not about big gestures, it’s about turning up every day”
Evolve
This means that the relationship needs to be able to evolve along with other life circumstances. It means potentially using less ritual while maintaining the meaning or potentially the opposite where you both have the time and space and as your relationship deepens, there’s more ritual.
The presenter mentioned how he just moved from Berlin to the UK, and that there was a family emergency with his father. And their relationship has had to evolve to accommodate for those circumstances. As he needs to spend more time with his father, he has less time available to maintain all of the structure of their relationship. They still make a point to have rituals of meaning, but some parts of their structure have had to shift.
The relationship will evolve on its own as well.
The presenter talked about how there were really three entities in the relationship. There’s the master, the slave, and the power exchange itself. And that it is important to pay attention to the power exchange and to prune it as necessary. To pay attention when a new branch appears. And to guide its growth in a direction that the two people involved both desire.
The first person he interviewed, had been with their slave for over 30 years. And the quotation was “We’ve had to change a lot, but the foundation remains the same.”
They became experts at evaluating how to adjust when life popped up. At being more intense when time and energy allowed, and dialing it back when there were health concerns or period of immense stress.
They suggested that check-ins can help. Yearly/monthly, etc.
Resilience
Can be jealousy, anger, hurt.
Willingness to pause reflect and repair when necessary.
An example was a dynamic that had a very strong control element. But after 6 years it failed. Because the slaves father died, and he was so grief stricken that he could not serve the Master the way the Master wanted.
And, although someone outside the relationship dying wouldn’t end a vanilla relationship, the presenter sees it very frequently in power exchange dynamics.
He attributes this to… sometimes the structure is so strong and tight, that it’s actually brittle.
It’s why it is important for the structure to be adaptable, so that it is resilient. So that when big things hit it, it bends, but doesn’t snap.
He said he believes some of it is tied to a term from Jungian psychology: Pure Eternus / Don Juanism. They’re the archetype of people that get caught up in the fantasy. The people that want to float above and not be weighed down by other’s problems. And when reality comes up, they almost want to disconnect, to keep the fantasy “pure”.
But to make a power exchange relationship last, you need to set that aside. You need to do the boring, day by day work to keep the relationship going.
Tools and communication, emotional intelligence to hear and understand each other.
The one thing that came up over and over again was the importance of communication. And not just communicating, but understanding what your partner is saying, and really integrating it.
Especially when people are new, they may believe the myth that the dominant does the talking and deciding, and that there isn’t room for the submissive to give input into the structure and way that things are done. Or that the Master can always disagree, and override what the slave says. But really, both sides need to come together.
The structure needs to allow for the slave to bring things up to the Master that aren’t working for them. It is what allows the relationship to become.
The presenter said in one of the relationships with the strictest protocol that he interviewed, they used “porch time”. Here on tumblr they’re called “meta talks”. Times when you step outside the dynamic to have those conversations.
It can be used to express wants and needs. But also to air grievances, hurt, pain.
The hardest part, is that the Dominant _has_ to put their ego aside to hear what the submissive has to say. Even when it is painful.
Which, the presenter shared, is easy to say but extremely hard to do. Because there is nothing worse to a Dominant than hearing that they messed up. But in a relationship that’s going to last, the D-type must have the maturity to listen, and take that responsibility when necessary.
And, it goes the other way as well, the submissive has to have the maturity to hear that they may have an issue. The slave has to be willing to hear the Master’s needs and why things may need to change within the relationship.
If either side cannot do that, it’s very hard for the relationship to survive. And sadly, there are a lot of people out there who haven’t or won’t do the inner work that’s needed to heal and move on/repair after conflict.
“You have the say the hard things, even when it’s awkward. Hiding stuff erodes trust faster than an honest conversation ever could.”
Some are able to keep the dynamic active during the conversations, there may not need to be a specific “porch time” or “meta talk”, but it depends on the dynamic. Stricter dynamics with more intense structure will likely need the “meta talk”.
He did give an example of a couple he has interviewed, who, during those conversations the slave would sit at the Master’s feet, and when the hard conversations got too intense, he would bow his head to the floor, to remember where he is and his role before going back into the hard conversation.
So there is no right or wrong. Some need to come out of the role and dynamic, others can stay inside of it. It’s choosing a structure that will work is good for the both of you, and the relationship. What’s vital is this you have the communication so you can ensure the resiliency of the relationship, and make it last.
“Challenges in an M/s relationship are inevitable. The maturity is in how you respond.” That’s how you keep the resiliency.
Authenticity
Your “way” and your “why”. Finding the deeper purpose of the relationship, or the role you have. It’s also permission to ditch the blueprint and adapt to what works for you.
The purpose is the “why”, it’s important for both M and s to explore and find the reason they want to continue doing these things. The slave may ask “why do I continue to not use the sofa? Why do I continue to do the things the Dominant has asked of me?” The dominant may ask “Why do I continue to take responsibility for these things when it’s hard?” The purpose, your “why” is what keeps you going.
It also comes into play further into the lasting relationship. When what started as excitement and newness turns into the monotone of regular life.
Finding the intrinsic purpose that allows you to go on. It’s how people survive intense adversity as well. He mentioned a book written by a concentration camp survivor, where he talked about how his intrinsic purpose gave him enough strength to survive. He developed it into a kind of logo therapy to help others.
Purpose = reframing the joy, the suffering, the boredom. All of the things that can be apart of a power exchange relationship. The reason we choose to live this way.
He talks about a power exchange family where the Master said to him “we’re normaling, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not” and he had to explore with them about what needed change, or not.
“Purpose is the anchor for everything else in the relationship.”
If structure is the soil, environment, sunlight. Purpose is the deep roots.
Master/slave, BDSM, Fetish, Power exchange are all often gateways to move us from our ego into our true selves. To our souls, to our needs, and desires that may be very different from what the rest of the world wants us to do.
By reflecting and understanding why you want the relationship, why you need the things you do, you can allow the relationship to evolve over time. Sometimes an identity change over time allows you to rediscover a new purpose for the identity you now are.
The purpose is also important to discuss and build into the structure, to make it come true for both parties.
Ditching the blueprint
He mentioned that he gets a lot of messages from people who practice M/s, who don’t necessarily plug into the actual M/s community, but see what’s online.
They worry their relationship is odd because it doesn’t seem to fit the template that they see.
It’s important to let go of the myth, the fantasy, and other blueprints, and work towards what works for _you_.
“The relationship only started to work when we dropped the act and showed up as ourselves.”
It’s a key thing in the relationship that will allow it to last.
“Our dynamic works because it’s ours, not someone else’s idea.”
Summary:
Structure: Simple structure, protocol, and total that makes it real.
Trust: consistency and responsibility builds control and a relationship that lasts
Evolve: lasting power evolves overtime through reflection and cultivation
Resilience: M/s relationships last when the Master and slave communicate well and respond to challenges.
Authenticity: discover the purpose behind what you want and let go of the stereotypical blueprints.
These pillars don’t dictate what your M/s or power exchange relationship should look like. Each relationship is unique and it’s one of the amazing things about the life style.
But the 5 pillars give it the strength to make it last, and they’re based on the knowledge of many dynamics and their accumulated knowledge.
