The Killer Cat
From Cats: The Grimdark Musical
Puss is the cat at the killer’s door
His name, as I ought to have told you before
Is really Octopuss, but that’s a fuss to pronounce
That we usually call him just Puss
His coat’s very bloody, he creeps like the Rake
Victims suffer from injuries that old Gus here makes
For he was in his youth the assassin feline
But no longer a terror when you’re out of line
For he isn’t the cat that he was in his prime
Though his name was quite infamous, he says, in his time
And whenever he joins his friends at their club
(Who take lives at the back of the neighbouring pub)
He loves to menace them, if someone else pays
With anecdotes drawn from his grimiest days
For he once was a scout of the highest degree
He has acted unnerving, he’s acted crazy
And he likes to proclaim insanity on the walls
Where the blood mural once gave him seven cat Crawls
But his grandest kill mission as he loves to tell
Was another assassin, the fiend of the fell
I have killed in my time every possible cat
And I used to know seventy pleadings if that
I’d liquidate the rats, I’d choke them to gag
And I knew how to put the corpse inside the bag
I knew how to act with my back and my tail
With an interrogation, I never would tell
I’d a hands that could tear out the hardest of hearts
Whether I made them plead, or I’d cut them to parts
I have dropped in the seaside the bags full of dead
When the target was there then I shot them with lead
In one terrifying season, the bodies fell flat
And I once assassinated Dick Whittington’s cat
But my grandest kill mission, as history will tell
Was another assassin, the fiend of the fell
Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin
He will tell how he once killed a cat in East Lynne
In a mass liquidation he once stalked a cat
When bystanders then begged him to “Quit it with that!”
And I say now these kittens, they do not get trained
As we did in the days when Mary I reigned
They never get drilled in a regular troupe
And they think they are smart just to shoot through a hoop
And he says as licks off some blood from his fur,
Well the killers are certainly not what they were
These modern assassins are all very well
But there’s nothing to equal from what I hear tell
That moment of misery when I made history
Another assasin, the fiend of the fell
