A letter to the boy I was supposed to be….

I hope people noticed that you were so much happier & more confident on the days you wore your Alcatraz hoodie.

I hope that someday, you’re loved enough to feel safe again.. and be yourself. Your funny, caring, incredible self.

You spent so long trapped in a home & a family that didn’t respect you or see the real you. It’s going to take a long time to find the people who will love you unconditionally.

You are stronger than you know.

I’m so proud of you.

i always get anxious when i use public restrooms

Last year I went as sailor moon for Halloween, and I was a little nervous about being misgendered bc I don’t pass that well as a guy anyways, but as it turns out I shouldn’t have worried bc my one (1) cis, straight, 6ft3 tall, guy friend (who plays lacrosse) was wearing an even shorter skirt than I was as supergirl.

Me looking in a mirror :

Oof ouch my masculinity

‘Tis the season

To be aggressively misgendered and deadnamed by that one weird uncle

What would my life be like?

If I was born a male?

Would I have been doing sports instead of acting or ‘girly’ things?

Would I have more guy friends then girls?

Would I be as gay as I am in this life?

Would I get boners at random times?

Would I play with trucks and cars instead of dolls?

Would I like kpop?

Would I even like to dance/sing?

Would I be ugly during puberty and then glow up during my young adult years?

Would I be more comfortable with myself than I am in this life?

The things I ask myself at 3am in the morning while dysphoria is up my ass…

I’m scared to lose weight

My problems are getting worse.

Recently my doctor has been telling me that I’m overweight and I need to start to go to the gym. (I’m 5’5 and around 210)

All good there, it’s just one problem.

My dysphoria.

Being over weight kinda has made me look like an overweight boy because even though I bind, you can clearly tell that I have a chest. Being overweight is my comfort zone knowing that people will just look at me and be like “Well he’s just just a fat boy.”

But there’s also more pros of losing weight,

• I won’t have so much attention brung to my thighs and hips.
• I will be able to start to gain muscles.
• I can find clothes in a size that fits.
• Jeans will actually look good on me.
• I will be able to be more active and healthy.
• I will be able to get a shorter haircut and not have a double chin showing.

So yeah…. idk I just needed to post this because in July I will be going on vacation and I’m buying a new binder and everything and my goal is that I will lose atleast some weight by then…

WASH YOUR BINDER(S)!!!

It’s that time of the year when it starts to get hotter, and skimpy outfits come out.

You are going to sweat more now and do more activities outside.

I haven’t washed my binder in a month because my dysphoria was hitting pretty hard so I never got around to washing it. I found that my binder (its white) was turning grey before I washed it, so when I finally did wash it, I saw how grey it was before. Not to mention, afterwards, I found that my binder was losing its elastic and wasn’t flatting my chest that well, but once I washed it, it worked like new.

Right now, it’s spring but where I live it’s been going between the 40s to 70s and I’ve been sweating more than usual.

You all are probably too, so please…

Please please please wash your binder!

When you’re a closeted transboy and your cishet friends keep asking you if you’re gay and it just makes you want to cry because they see you as female :’)))

I was so annoyed by my hair, that i cut it again and cut of all the remaining purple.
So for the first time in 7 years my hair is entirely in its natural colour.

#nonbinarycuties #nonbinary #trans #transgender #ftm #ftx #ftmpride #transproud #androgynous #transman #transboy #theypronouns #genderneutral #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful #transmasc #transition #genderqueer #fuckgender #genderrolesaredead #transboyproblems #transboysandtheircats #haircut #againstme #punk

“Increasing the height of my hair will trick people into thinking I’m an average sized male, right?”

WRONG.

#transboyproblems #transisbeautiful #transboy #femmeboy #gaysofinstagram #gaysydney (at Tower Hair)

So my shoes bit the dust. And being a small person, its hard for me to find any shoes that aren’t for women or hideous in my size. Shay and I went to multiple stores looking for a pair, and finally ended up at Wal-Mart. Where Shay found a pair of light up hightops in a size 5. So I laughed and said to let me try them on, and she told me if they fit then I had to buy them because I had mentioned wanting light up shoes.
So long story short, they fit and I decided if I have to buy shoes from the kids section anyway I may as well have shoes that light up. #shoes #transboyproblems

Some dude randomly asked “Have you gotten your willy yet” but because he used willy instead of dick i sat there laughing for 20 minutes i couldnt even get mad

Not feeling like I pass at all today. It’s slightly disconcerting and a very uncomfortable feeling. Trying to figure out how to not feel like this but I have yet to accomplish that. I know I need a smaller binder because mine are too big and that will definitely make thugs feel better.

When your doctor prescribes the wrong size needles and you don’t want to inject your T with an 18 gauge needle.

Men’s bathrooms in this restaurant is just two stalls with sit down toilets. I guess they’re in their way to step 1 of doing bathrooms right?

Also, when the server asked for my drink order, they called me “sir” at first, which is extremely happy making. They later made the error of calling me ma'am instead but gist impressions is a good thing sometimes.
#transboyproblems #personal #journal #mamascafe #selfie #wejustneedtopee (at Mamas Cafe)

When you go to rest your arm on your leg and you just did your shot 😅😣

Some kid at work today said to his mom “he sounds like I girl” I ain’t even mad, kid’s the first person to call me a dude at work #WIP #trans #transgender #transproblems #transboy #transboyproblems

So like I just came out to my sister because we were having a talk about our faith (she’s Catholic) I’m just simply a Christian but I question my faith often I really do. Earlier she had asked me why my Instagram description says Carter Francis and I just said cause. I didn’t want to tell my family until I told my mom because it felt wrong but I just needed to tell someone I couldn’t keep it in anymore. So I told her and she was like so do you want to refer to you as a boy and I said yes and proceeded to cry on her. My brother walked out saw me crying and Maria talking to me and he just walked back to the room XD so all in all it went well but I’m still super emotional and trying to figure shit out.

When it’s hot as hell outside and wearing a binder only makes it worse