sometimes you will gain a narrow bit of experience that has broader implications.
if i’m playing noita when i don’t want to be, i won’t win any runs. i take way more damage when i don’t want to be playing. i’m not consciously trying to lose. i might even get frustrated when i die. nonetheless i take more risks at the moment of split decisions.
when else do i do this?
Sometimes folk can only see you through the lens of their trauma and the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for them is to leave them alone.
𝗂𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗄𝖾𝖾𝗉 𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖼𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝗁𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗂𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒’𝗏𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗆𝖾𝗌𝗌𝖺𝗀𝖾 𝗈𝗋 𝗂𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒’𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖾, 𝗒𝗈𝗎’𝗋𝖾 𝗇𝗈𝗍 “𝗈𝖻𝗌𝖾𝗌𝗌𝖾𝖽”, 𝗒𝗈𝗎’𝗋𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝗑𝗂𝗈𝗎𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝖺𝖿𝖾𝗍𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗌𝗌𝗎𝗋𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾.
𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎’𝗋𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝗑𝗂𝗈𝗎𝗌𝗅𝗒 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖽, 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝗋𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗂𝗉𝗍𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖾 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗎𝗌 𝖺𝗌 𝖾𝗆𝗈𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖾𝗌.
𝗌𝖾𝖾𝗇 = 𝗋𝖾𝗅𝗂𝖾𝖿
𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗌𝖾𝖾𝗇 = 𝗉𝖺𝗇𝗂𝖼
𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝗈𝖽𝗒 𝗂𝗌 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝗋𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗇𝗌𝗐𝖾𝗋 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗊𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖺𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇:
“𝖺𝗆 𝗂 𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝗄𝖺𝗒?”
“𝖺𝗆 𝗂 𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾𝗇?”
“𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝗀𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝖻𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝖾?”
𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝖻𝗅𝖾𝗆 𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖼𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖽𝗈𝖾𝗌𝗇’𝗍 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗆 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗅𝗈𝗇𝗀. 𝗂𝗍 𝗄𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗍𝗎𝖼𝗄 𝗂𝗇 𝖺 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗉 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗌𝖾𝗇𝗌𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗌𝖺𝖿𝖾𝗍𝗒 𝖽𝖾𝗉𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝗈𝗇 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒’𝗋𝖾 𝖽𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗍𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝗈𝖿 𝗁𝗈𝗐 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽𝖾𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿.
𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗎𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗉𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝗉𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗎𝗋𝗀𝖾, 𝗋𝖾𝗀𝗎𝗅𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗇𝖾𝗋𝗏𝗈𝗎𝗌 𝗌𝗒𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗆, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖻𝗎𝗌𝗒 𝗈𝗋 𝗊𝗎𝗂𝖾𝗍 𝖽𝗈𝖾𝗌𝗇’𝗍 𝖾𝗊𝗎𝖺𝗅 𝗋𝖾𝗃𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇.
𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍’𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗅 𝗌𝖾𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗍𝗒 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗌… 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝗐𝖺𝗍𝖼𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖼𝗋𝖾𝖾𝗇, 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝖻𝗎𝗂𝗅𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿.
what are some of your thought processes? do you complain a lot? do you encourage a lot? are you smiling? do you have a resting scowl on your face? you might be surprised at the answers to these questions.
make a mark every time you do one of the following:
complain
have a negative thought about yourself
have a negative thought about a family member
encourage yourself
talk to yourself
talk to god
talk to a friend or family member
yell
laugh
pray
cry
angry thoughts
grief thoughts
write down the item if something triggered a thought. seeing your habitual reactions is the first step in helping you take your thoughts captive!
other questions to ask yourself:
what are habits that you have that are good?
habits that encourage learning or give you peace?
what are some bad habits that you have picked up?
time wasters or bad habits in general?
are there any that could lead you towards resentment?
are there any that could lead you to a setback?
what are your strengths?
what are your weaknesses?
what do you listen to before bed?
taking inventory in all of these types of things will help you to live a more purpose-filled life.
“what radicalized you” idk my elementary school had “treat others how you want to be treated” painted across the cafeteria wall. my teacher helped me write a letter to President Barack Obama about what I thought he should do for the environment
2.11
[[MORE]]It’s getting very dark again but I can’t tell her. I won’t tell her…for a few reasons. I lost a little trust last time and her personal life is stressful.
I feel tired. I’m very tired.
I’m such a piece of shit, chat.
part of healing that ive been grappling with is that while im figuring out who i want to be but also who i never want to be again/who i cannot safely be and it feels really difficult knowing that a lot of the traits i collected over the years that i considered part of who i am are mostly just pieces of a set of armor i was trying to build and that i don’t need those traits, but once something feels like a part of your identity it can be difficult to detach from and retire those parts
Procrastinating on therapy notes by watching an NFL game is the last phase of procrastination for a woman who gives 0 shits about football. Time to watch the Bears make an incredible comeback.
hoooo. my cptsd has ocd elements. body tries to predict when my parents will attack me. my brain circuitry latched on to certain noises in the environment as a predictor of parental rage.
due to “flinching”, my tendency to try not to think about triggering situations, i forgot the noises were meant to predict being attacked. for many years i was afraid of the noises themselves. hearing the noise made me feel like i was being pinned down and violated, so i thought the noise itself was dangerous.
i became obsessed with predicting when i would hear noises, checking to see if noisy things were nearby, plotting to destroy sources of noise.
now i am in recovery.
Ten negative, self-destructive behaviors exhibited when I feel horribly low
“If you experience anxiety over a long period, this severely harms your body. This is primarily because your body never gets time to fully recover, which can make you ill. Your immune system is compromised and you are more likely to develop infections or suffer from a heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.”
aw shit this me
(shit immune system getting sick 4+ times a year, always having tension in body, etc)
✧ i am allowed to take a break when i deem it necessary. for me, easing anxiety means going into a cooled, dark space where i can lay down and reconnect. when i feel ready, i return to the place or situation.
✧ caffeine makes anxiety and stress worse. i’ll stick with fresh water and green tea (if i need a caffeine boost)!
✧ being a people pleaser does not discredit the boundaries i’ve set for myself. i am allowed to do what i want to do.
✧ instead of keeping news alerts on my phone, i will take time during the day to view them when i feel mentally prepared to consume the information.
my therapist suggested that, instead of focusing on all the avenues i might’ve went wrong, i should consider the fact that maybe they felt they weren’t enough for me, or would be able to meet my standards….
clocked, rly, i had nothing to say to that
Breakthrough I had in therapy the other day: realizing that I will truly never be good enough if ‘good enough’ means meeting society’s standards for women, which are contradictory, unattainable by design and often weaponized.
So, I can just let all that go.
I can opt out.
I can just be.
