i’m starting to gather attention for my multipassionate posts (omg), so—
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okay. my name is Hannah. my other names include: nirvhannah, Hannah Cornell, Christine Cornell, Chris, H., josie, the baking girlfriend, and most recently the Babka Babe.
i’ve actually been on tumblr since 2012, but i started this blog in 2014: that’s right, boys and girls, i’m an og 2014 tumblr girl. i was there.
i’m originally from southern california, from the beach, but i spent my childhood in northern Nevada, and i grew up out in the california desert. i lived and attended engineering and art schools in oregon for four years, and then the last nine years, i lived atop a mountain in a house my mom and stepdad inherited from his mother back down in California.
there were a few upsides to living there (mortgage was paid for so the only bills we had were utilities, groceries, and ~$800 to my school, i had a place to live as i was freaking out about that prior to my graduation, i got to learn a multitude of things on my own like cooking and baking and how to talk to people off the cuff; when covid hit, we were isolated from the world by default so my mom and me are the rare instances of people who haven’t caught it), but… it was lonely there. boring. tiresome. got hard on me emotionally and mentally after my mom got sick last year with blood clots. we also had a lot of weird people coming to the house whenever they felt like it.
two months ago, my mom and I returned to oregon. even though she works remotely full-time, I’ve been looking for a job since we got here, to literally no avail. lately, i’m considering going back to school, to trade school specifically—i’ve been thinking about how that might play out because student loans are a fucking mess right now (well, they were a mess in 2011 when I started going to school, but they’re an absolute clusterfuck now, what with the big fat stupid ugly orange apocalypse bill having overhauled the whole system and no one having any idea what’s happening).
I’m a multipassionate train wreck of a person. i have so many distinct memories of telling school counselors and advisors that i’m both a scientist and an artist and i’d get looked at like i just spoke in Mandarin. i’m actually scarred by being asked “what would you do with that?” and “don’t you want a job/nice house?”, really, i’m internally scarred by those questions. i mention this point in job interviews and i get so many weird looks (i thought employers like well-roundedness and versatility?)
i learned “multipassionate” after we moved here and it was like it clicked. but that doesn’t mean it felt good. if anything, it reminded me of the time i started questioning my sexuality.
i’m pansexual, polyamorous, and aromantic. if you think that’s bizarre, you should try it. she/her is good by me. however, no one who knows me in real life knows this.
I speak: English, French, German, Italian, Latin, and very rudimentary Spanish. I’ve been speaking French since I was 14. I actually taught myself German, Italian, and Latin. I know bits and pieces of Russian and Japanese. I attempted to learn Danish back in 2018, but I couldn’t find any reliable sources, so i’d like to learn it again, along with Portuguese and sign language.
something about my interests:
i started cartooning when I was a kid, but the style you know me best for came about when I was 13: i was just bored in class one day following my final exam, and I wanted to try my hand at manga style, but I couldn’t draw the eyes.
I’m an artist in every sense of the word except a dancer—and even that’s objectionable. i’m very physical and I love working with my hands.
my training is in engineering, but I switched to art, all because art made me happier—i was dealing with depression and anxiety back then, leftover from my parents splitting and my dad and me literally fending for ourselves all that summer, as well as the fact my high school did very little to actually prepare me for collegiate life and i was taking more gen ed classes than core—which begs the question, why did I even go into engineering in the first place?
well, for starters, I just have the brain for it. i’m not going to be one of those dickheads who talk about “thinking outside the box”, but that’s literally how I think. i think very logically, in a detail-oriented fashion, and I consider myself a creative person.
I was also crazy about formula 1 in high school (kimi räikkönen, robert kubica, and nick heidfeld, those were my guys; ferrari was my team). I thought I could be like laura mueller and be female head engineer for ferrari f1, right in the factory—this is well before I learned about the rampant sexism, misogyny, dark money, eating disorders, and abuse ravaging the sport now, and the biggest scandals back then were max mosley being an antisemitic scoundrel and drivers not getting paid. but I thought it was possible, and I knew it was possible.
i knew i was multipassionate when it was insinuated that I get bored easily and i’m driven by curiosity until i get bored again, which—
yeah. that’s accurate.
Music:
when I was in elementary school, I was in choir. my grandma was willing to get me violin lessons, even willing to pay for them, but there were no teachers in carson city, if you can believe it. when I was about 10, I tried taking up guitar but school got in the way. I tried getting into it again during quarantine but my stepdad and one of his friends monopolized the acoustic and electric guitars we had: i never saw them again, either. I still want to learn it + bass guitar and mandolin.
I was in choir, but i wasn’t very good. after being in drama class and drama club in 8th grade, i learned to tune myself by singing to Chris Cornell, Eddie Vedder, Scott Weiland, Trent Reznor, Daniel Johns, and James Hetfield, for the most part (i’m a contralto voice, almost an alto). I found heavier metal like Pantera and Megadeth shortly after, and lesser known grunge after high school. I grew up in the era of metalcore and emo music—before everything made before 2008 was classified “classic rock”—so naturally I enjoy Paramore and My Chemical Romance after STP.
people thought I was lesbian because I dressed tomboyishly, played softball and field hockey, didn’t have any guys hanging off my arm, and i’m influenced by mostly male artists like Testament and Screaming Trees—female artists i like are PJ Harvey, Alanis Morissette, Tori Amos, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, Kate Bush, fellow low-voiced and/or eccentric women.
I also enjoy straight up classic rock (Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Who, Black Sabbath, Bowie, Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles), jazz, the blues, classical music, hip hop, and some pop (I love Lady Gaga and Rihanna, for example).
but i’m an alt rock kid through and through, though.
I have had four big crushes in my life that have absolutely rocked me to my core, the first being Ben Shepherd of Soundgarden. I wrote a pair of letters to him in 2014, another one for Valentine’s Day 2016, and another one after chris died in September 2017 for Ben’s birthday. the first one in 2014 came about when “stan” culture was starting to come into play, and no doubt i felt that in my bones. I have very vivid memories of getting hate mail and rather vitriolic messages and comments because I wrote to him. the letters were just… me introducing myself to him and telling him how much he meant to me. i actually went to great pains to not flirt with him or sound gushy; the one in 2017, i spoke to him like a therapist because we hadn’t seen him since chris passed—this was before i found out he had a baby and i felt like a complete idiot.
the second crush was Lars Ulrich. little round face with big eyes and fringe, lighting up my sky which had darkened with the death of Chris. i got a fringe over my face in 2018 so, naturally, it felt like looking at myself.
the third was Joey Belladonna. another one who feels like looking at myself and Chris, specifically with the brown eyes for myself and the flyaway curly hair for Chris. I found him the day after I saw Paul McCartney at Dodger Stadium and I had nothing to do but binge Anthrax videos. I had just started questioning my sexuality, so I took one look at that wiry little body and felt something. I wrote now it’s dark after that + finding out about ben’s baby. funny story: I did inktober that fall and posted them on Instagram, completely oblivious to the fact he and his wife Krista were watching me until they started talking about me on Jamey Jasta’s podcast during quarantine.
I still love Joey even after the fic drama in summer 2020. how could I not?
and the fourth and current one is Alex Skolnick. THIS FUCKING GUY I found him almost on accident, during the Jeff Hanneman tribute in 2013 and I was just drawn to him—my discovering Testament in high school notwithstanding. but something about him mesmerized me and I don’t know if it was me saying “oh, wow, I love his hair” or “I could listen to him talk for hours” (I really could, too). I found him again on twitter and ig during quarantine because I remembered his name, and I found him to be a breath of fresh air amongst the sea of people screaming about donald trump and covid: he was like the one person on twitter who didn’t feel like he was yelling at me. when january 6 happened, I watched him. I was there with him. the next day, he was so apologetic about his behavior and I told him not to be. no one knew what was happening, or what was going to happen and he had every right to act that way. I caught him on his weekly livestream a few weeks later and I was stunned by his solo jamming—i was in bed watching him, too, in bed in my underwear. I drew him a cartoon the next day: this was a week before valentine’s day, too, so it was all the more special. he shared it on valentine’s day. a month later, he told me on his livestream he loved me—god, I wish I captured it because I mean it, his voice was soft and husky, and his eyes were hooded. yes, I was in my undies again. but at the same time, I’m glad I didn’t because it was all for me. i’ve been protective of him and flirting with him since then.
a sweet perfectly imperfect man like that doesn’t need a pretentious, stuck-up, Vicky Karayiannis copycat, shitty excuse of a woman hanging off his arm, either. there’s a reason why i censor her name.
oh, and the reason why I name-drop chris? he was my friend. yeah. yeah, no exaggeration. Chris Cornell was my friend. he got my art out in the open on twitter (back when it was twitter and a friendly place, too). I got to meet him and give him a painting in 2015: he put his face close to mine. I can still see those eyes shrouded in shadow. I can still hear his voice. I can still smell him. and I can’t believe it’s coming up on ten years now.
Literature:
i’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember. I wrote my first short story when I was 6, my first novella at 13, and the first manuscript of a novel when I was 24, following chris’ death. I got into fanfic when I was a kid, but I never went online with it until I was 20.
i have written things that were 100 words long. i have written short stories, novellas, novels, and even a million-word slow burn that was an experience to say in the least. I write sci-fi, gothic fiction, and erotica in line with what i’m attracted to. i have several wips going right now which i’m coming back to following my move back to the Pacific Northwest, three of which are originals.
been reading since I was a kid, too. I liked YA fantasy and scifi but I also read Beverly Cleary’s books (probably why I feel Oregon in my soul). as I got older, I fell in love with Lemony Snicket and the gothic novel and also crime fiction: my favorite book is probably Dorian Grey.
Studying:
a big part of why I was so unhappy in college the first time was because I felt confined, and yet I also felt pulled in directions that I didn’t like. I was an artist with a scientist’s brain but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I still don’t know how to talk about it. I still feel the overreaching need to specialize, even at the cost of myself.
nevertheless, i was a straight A student growing up. i was on the honor roll most of the time. i made dean’s list when i switched to the art program. and i’m going to tell you that grades are meaningless.
i’ve always enjoyed earth science: comes with living in Nevada when I was a kid (geology and meteorology are huge down there, what with the abundance of silver and the mining industry during the gold rush, and the fact that weather has a mind of its own there). I love biology and chemistry. I’m into the automotive world, given my love of racing and my dad’s work in it—when I was in engineering school, I helped build a car from the ground up. I also made rockets and got into welding.
I’m thinking of getting my welder’s license. I’m thinking of going to cosmetology school. I’m really drawn to the world of health and medical science right now and thinking of becoming a lab rat again—mainly because I want to eventually get my masseuse license, but also because the world of medicine and pharmaceuticals have always been this nebulous part of my life.
i just really love learning things, from psychology to history, languages to music, art to literature, theater and even fashion to science.
it makes me feel really awkward around people, though, like… I don’t know if I could hold a conversation with someone because I know i bore everyone. i lose interviews because of my range. no idea how instagram feels about me, like I look at the hit counters on my posts and I know they’re thinking something, but I don’t know what.
in fact, I feel i’m losing you right now as i’m writing this.
i’ve been auditing classes from Harvard since Memorial Day—online. i live on the opposite coast, there’s no way I could, otherwise. I started with a government 101 class and I just started wandering through their catalog since, from japanese books to architecture to the ballet.
i’m currently working on illustrations and comics to accompany my writing.
Crafts:
this is probably the branch of my interests that i overlook the most and never stick to any of it for a long time
i crochet… sort of. I tried it back in 2022 and got frustrated, then I started up again the other night with a clearer head and hey, I can do it.
my mom is the seamstress, but I have tried my hand at sewing. i’ve also tried my hand at fashion illustration the other day—it’s hard! it’s harder than it seems because you have to consider proportions, the fabric, the color, what’s “in”, and of course, the client.
i love photography and making edits.
I love Lego, Funko pops, model cars, old toys, and stuffed animals.
when I was a kid, I was really into origami, like I got to a point where I could do a paper crane standing on my head.
I taught myself to cook and bake, the latter of which I learned pretty much singlehandedly from watching great British baking show—i’ve won two blue ribbons for my bakes, too, two blue ribbons for two chocolate babkas. yeah, my specialties are Jewish, British, and Latin food.
cooking, i learned from watching my parents, my grandpa, people like Gordon Ramsey and Alton Brown, and shows like Iron Chef.
Sports:
I used to play softball and field hockey. it wasn’t the super competitive varsity kind, more like leisurely “playing because I enjoy it”. I’ve always loved watching baseball—we are a Dodgers family, ya bastards!—and ice hockey, too.
I used to watch Formula 1 religiously. i look at the sport now and wonder where things went wrong—i did catch the 2016 season, though, that was the last great season, imo.
I like watching cycling and tennis, too. i’ve been watching every Olympics since i was three—i prefer the winter games, too.
I like hiking, cycling myself, and I got into boxing and tai chi early last year before my mom got sick. I also got into yoga then to help me relax and to help with my back. before we moved, I got into circuit training and Pilates.
Movies/series:
never was much of a TV watcher, and the stuff i do watch is things that have been around forever, so:
- the Simpsons
- Bob’s Burgers
- Beavis and Butthead
- Top Gear (with Jeremy, Richard, and James)
- The Trip
- Peep Show
- Dexter
- Seinfeld
- 30 Rock
- 3rd Rock from the Sun
- Mythbusters
- matlock (the remake with Kathy Bates)
- rizzoli & isles
- bones
- Doctor Who
- house (a show i grew up with no less; the fandom for this has come completely out of nowhere in my view)
- Sherlock
- the Office
- lucifer
- old Monty Python
- Family Guy up to about season 9
- Futurama
- old cartoons from the 90s to the 2000s (Cartoon Cartoon Fridays, baby!!)
I used to watch Nip/Tuck, Totally Spies, Charmed, and Skins when no one was looking and now you know why i’m so twisted.
favorite movie is probably the Princess Bride, but I also love Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Blazing Saddles/anything Mel Brooks does, the Night at the Museum movies, the Blues Brothers, the original Star Wars movies, Singin’ in the Rain, Casablanca, Clueless/anything Brittany Murphy did, and also movies like The Hills Have Eyes, The Exorcist, The Craft, Practical Magic, and Heathers.
my mom and I have been on a Tom Cruise kick lately: in fact, we’ve been binging the Mission: Impossible movies on the weekends. we just have the last two left!
Steve Coogan is one of my doppelgängers. no joke. all the way down to the eyebrows—i even have a silk shirt in my closet, i call it the Steve Coogan shirt (when he was on Top Gear, he wore this bright pink button-up shirt, he looked like a bartender out of Miami Beach; mine’s red, though).
Other:
i keep two journals, one for cataloging recipes on par with my “Babka Babe” self, and the other mostly about my daily life and my private thoughts. i have kind of a dysfunctional relationship with that kind of journaling because i have a tendency to get sexual and emotional, and i end up bleeding all over the pages—really, you think i’m intense here. my journal is a bastion of daily life and thoughts and feelings soaked in unresolved sexual tension that even i don’t know the source of.
I’m currently working on a play version of one of my fics. playwriting is one of the many things I’ve always wanted to do.
I have a, I call it my “brown-eyed Mount Rushmore”, consisting of four brown-eyed men whom I see myself in (Steve Coogan, Richard Hammond, Joey Belladonna, and Eric Peterson), mainly because I don’t see a lot of brown-eyed women aside from maybe Salma Hayek, but also because boys with brown eyes. that’s it.
I recently lost 119 pounds. took me two years but I did it. I just cleaned up my diet, started working out more, started drinking more water, and fasting—i couldn’t believe how easy it was for me.
I’m drawn to cosmetology because you’re studying beauty and anatomy, and anatomy leads to better art and a masseuse license, and the next thing I knew, the train left the station.
I’m a good gentile—a shiksa, too. i’m actually more pro-Jew than anything, but… i get why israel exists, though. and I can’t bring myself to hate a country, especially a country i never been to, either.
I love dogs, cats, birds, reptiles, and horses. my favorite bird is probably the owl. my favorite big cat is the ocelot. my dream tattoo is a cardinal with a sunflower in its beak on my thigh.
my favorite goddesses are Athena, the goddess of war, and Pelé, the goddess of volcanoes.
I’m a perv and a bastard, and a pig of a woman.
oh, and i’m an Aries. triple Aries to be exact. with my moon in Aquarius and my ascendant in Cancer.
I’m an ESFP and enneagram 4w5 (surprise, surprise).
there are plenty of skills and things I want to pick up but currently just don’t have the space to. I’m still getting to know myself, even if it takes me forever. even if it takes me my whole life.
if you read this whole post, thank you so much. you just made me feel less lonely and guilty.
