my dad was showing me a 70 page document of policies and procedures he made by fighting copilot ai for a week. unformatted and repetitive and messy, mind you. and i had to hold my fucking tongue bc while i COULD do all that without an ai in a couple hours, if i said as much he would remember that im actually his most efficient employee and would immediately delegate that shit to me. and i simply do not want to.
Text
See https://www.flickr.com/photos/74107050@N00/ for more photos. Extras if your account is set to allow viewing restricted photos. 😀
Text
And I try to keep up
For what? So that I have something to talk about with friends? For the lived experience that lets me know what I’m talking about? I need to stop forcing myself with some shit and concede that I can’t be into everything my friends are into *even if I’m interested myself*.
I’m out here so emotionally and spiritually drained that I can’t even muster up the energy to finish games I love. To try actual anime I think are interesting or neat. Everyone else has that youthful energy, and if they don’t they’re forcing themselves along to their own health’s detriment, their own mental state’s detriment, as well.
Either I have something friends can mutually get into or not and vice versa. I can try to get in on recommendations now but I cant keep pulling myself in twenty different directions just to make myself a more interesting person to people I want to be interesting to. I’m not interesting. I have to deal with that.
But at least I could be completely uninteresting and be enjoying myself with progress in shit I’m actually invested in, that won’t make me feel like I’m wasting ten years of my life for a story that could have been told in a 50 hour game.
Text
See https://www.flickr.com/photos/74107050@N00/ for more photos. Extras if your account is set to allow viewing restricted photos. 😀
Text
Children have big dreams, a boy would look at a pilot on TV and would dream to be one when they’re older. A girl would look at a flight attendant and might became one when they’re an adult, serving people on a plane.
There’s also children like Billy and Jane, but it will all just be a dream for both of them. Billy will never be able to command a plane, Jane will never be able to assist passengers properly.
I see women from my country marry Americans, Germans, Russians, and especially Dutch. Big or small, young or old, rich or poor, with hair or without hair. I see them at malls, at supermarkets, at bakeries, on TV, everywhere. Living their lives for better or for worse. Jennifer Coppen, Nia Lathif, Lina Mukherjee, Jennifer Christie, Qifa, Aprilia, you name it.
I would look at them and say “Hey! I also like Dutch men, is that how my future looks like? So cool!”. I had planned everything. How and where will we meet each other for the first time, how will we hang out as friends and then confessing, the first date, second, third, happy together, the skies won’t feel blue for my whole life, it’s everything I need.
I had a good personality, smart, hard working, kind, understanding, empathic, pretty. They say now Indonesian girls are “easy to get”, but I’m not. I have my own standards, I kept my dignity when others throw them away for a night with a foreigner.
But there’s no place for people like me, not here, not anywhere. I cannot do something without getting stares, I don’t even know if I’m doing something out of the ordinary.
Most people think that being highly functional means that I dont need any support. Even worse, people don’t even know if I am or I am not. All they see is that I’m smart and definitely have a good future.
Yet, nobody understand anything I say, it’s as if I’m talking gibberish. They don’t understand that I cannot work like the average person, I have my own problems and I need support. But they will kept on forcing me, to force myself into being the person they want me to be. They don’t understand me, they never will.
I have a dream to live the rest of my life with a man I love. For most, it will came true when they’re older. But I’ll never be able to be a proper wife, I’ll never know how to dress properly, I’ll never understand social norms, I’ll never know how to love anyone. And it will all just be a dream for me.
Text
See https://www.flickr.com/photos/74107050@N00/ for more photos. Extras if your account is set to allow viewing restricted photos. 😀