Crushing and Crushed.
author: me
I finally have a crush.
Oh what a devastatingly thrilling experience. I haven’t had one in such a long time that i’d forgotten how excruciatingly painful it is!
Every time i think about him - and yes, it’s a him, no one is happy about that, much less me - it’s like being punched in the gut. Hard. By a Mike Tyson in his prime.
I think i’d gone too long without one and now it just had to happen. If you asked me why i like him, i couldn’t tell you. My soul needed a hobby and crochet wasn’t enough anymore.
Let me give you a backstory: i already knew the guy, didn’t like him. Nothing bad with him, just not my cup of tea, not my type.
Couple of weeks ago i began dreaming about him. I felt like a little schoolgirl, don’t know what got me but it was bad. Like daydreaming-about-him-all-day bad. And mind you, i didn’t like the guy!
So i start dreaming about him, okay? I go out with this guy and some other friends and what does the fucker do? He fucking talks to me. All. Night. Long.
The asshole.
He asks me out for a cigarette, talks to me like he just met the love of his life, even asks me to sleep at his place if i didn’t want to get a taxi. (I was strong, worry not. I said no).
So we are about to get married in my mind right? I’m already picturing me and him hand in hand in a field of roses, the sun behind us and angels singing and shit.
But i know myself and i know i’m the greatest film maker in history (history just doesn’t know it yet) so i don’t want to make movies in my head for nothing.
I ask my friend for a briefing: she knows him better than me and she knows me better than him and whatever.
I go out with her, i tell her everything that happened and she says what i didn’t really need to hear: he could be interested. And then she says another thing i shouldn’t really have heard: he’s a great guy.
But the final thing - the worst one: it’s not the right moment for a relationship for him.
Good. Great. Exactly what i needed.
From crushing to crushed.
And a sane person now would stop. Not me however, because we are delusional until the end. Because obviously we are the exception, am i right?
Right.
I am not.
He starts going out with girls and doesn’t even like my story (outrageous! I was very hot in that story and the song was a hit).
But i am already in deep, i’m afraid. No turning back now unless i find another person to crush harder on. Unlikely since it took me years to crush on a guy again.
I thought i was done! I thought i was cured! But i was just a fool. I’m no one to try and fight the heart’s desires and if i can’t fight them, i must simply oblige it.
So now that we had some backstory, some lore if you will, today’s theme is crushing - obviously - and most importantly how to crush safely.
That sounds like a feat and in my personal opinion i think it is. A massive one at that, but not an impossible one.
How to crush safely then? How to not let yourself get too caught up in something that might potentially hurt you?
I’ve already done some crying sessions, i’ve already had my unnecessary dreaming scenarios. That’s inevitable i think. It forms personalities.
But how does one prevent more of that? How does one prevent themselves from hurting for someone who probably doesn’t give a single fuck about them?
That’s almost impossible. That requires an insane amount of training and mental fortitude and i have none of the two.
So my only option is to crush safely, to fuel these dreams for what they are: dreams.
Yes, it’s not healthy but at least i know they are dreams. I can treat them like entertainment which i like to believe was my mind’s first objective when deciding to have a crush.
I keep on dreaming about him. The dreams get progressively bigger and heavier and haunting but i know they are dreams!
I get to live my personal little reality whenever i feel like it with none of the downsides of actually living it out and risking destroying all my hopes and dreams.
Is it healthy? Again, no. It really isn’t. But right now, it’s the best i can do.
This is trial and error, ladies and gentlemen, and i am trialing and definitely erroring a lot.
For the sake of science, of course.
My research has just begun and i have now something more than an unrequited crush: i have a mission, a scope, an objective. Something to occupy my mind with: finding a cure to being crushed by crushing.
I can’t guarantee i will find it because i have just recently decided to become a doctor on this but i can definitely keep you updated with my discoveries.
23rd, february. 2026.
