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I am saying it,
… it’s been one continuous accident …
Joanna Klink, excerpt from Orpheus. Eurydice. Hermes.
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Servo Masters golf marks 25th edition, longest continuous event in the country
The upcoming Servo Masters golf in Digboi will be the 25th edition of the tournament, making it the longest continuous golfing event in the country and Indian Oil Corporation is keen on expanding its presence in the sport further.
The Servo Masters, to be held from November 16-21 at the Digboi Golf Links in Assam, began in 1999 and remains the only golfing event to be held at the same venue all…
Servo Masters golf marks 25th edition, longest continuous event in the country
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Prayer and faith - 2025.10.22
Psalms 55:17 (KJV) Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.
Let us be encouraged to keep on praying. The LORD promised that He will hear us. We can call on Him anytime and as often as we want. In the morning, at noon, in the evening. Whenever we think of something that needs us to pray let us pray at the moment not waiting for any set prayer…
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How the RBI’s New Cheque Clearing System Is Creating Chaos for Banks & Customers in 2025
Banks promised real-time cheque clearing—but shocking delays have sparked chaos across India’s banking system. The Gujarat Urban Cooperative Bank Federation urges RBI’s urgent intervention. What hidden glitches and risks threaten your money? Discover the startling truth behind 2025’s banking crisis before it hits your account. Read now!
The banking world in India is facing a shocking disruption…
How the RBI’s New Cheque Clearing System Is Creating Chaos for Banks & Customers in 2025
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RBI Cheque Clearing Goes Real-Time October 4, 2025: Experience Instant Same-Day Settlement Across All Banks in India
India’s cheque clearing experience is about to get a dramatic, real-time makeover—will the funds from your next deposit truly appear in hours? RBI’s bold October 2025 reform promises instant settlement, but surprises and pitfalls may still lurk. Uncover hidden rules, automatic approvals, and security twists that could upend how crores of Indians bank every day. Ready to rethink cheques forever?…
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Enhanced patient selection with quantitative continuous scoring of PD-L1 expression for IO treatment in metastatic NSCLC - New Study
Enhanced patient selection with quantitative continuous scoring of PD-L1 expression for IO treatment in metastatic NSCLC
Summary
Quantitative, continuous scoring of PD-L1 expression offers improved patient selection for immunotherapy (IO) treatment in metastatic non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC). Traditional immunohistochemistry (IHC) relies on semi-quantitative methods and arbitrary cutoffs,…
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I will love you through all the changes of the seasons (And with all the small changes in you, I would fall in love. Yes, all over again, I would.)
Dead on main
Part 1 here Part 2 here Part 3 here
The King stood before Jason, his wrath apparent, his cape fluttering behind him, galaxies ending and birthing among the seams of the cloak, his aura commanding and domineering-ruthless in his oppression. His face was a mixture of a King-cold and regal-and that of a father-enraged and incited to vengeful wrath. His pure snow white hair fell over his glowing lazarus green eyes and Jason couldn’t help but find himself bewitched by them.
How many times had he dreamt of such a gaze?
Had Danny dreamed of him? Had he too longed for Jason? Or-Jason felt the fire turning into a blaze-combating the coldness of the air, melting the spreading ice-or was Jason just a fool? Waiting for a lover who was waiting for someone else? Who was in love with a memory?
Enraged, Jason met the wrathful King’s gaze with his own…Then everything seemed to freeze and it seemed as if time itself stopped.
…
For a moment, pure shock slackened the King’s features, he stumbled back slightly, his eyes wide with shock, his frame bone weary-as if weighed down by years of loss and grief. There were signs of defeat in his eyes, but in the moment they had meant Jason’s, something stirred to life.
Danny’s mouth opened but words seemed to have fled him. He faltered, hope widening his eyes but years of being denied-of being given false hope-had made him jaded. Even as the King hoped, he did not believe. His strength to believe had been robbed from him long ago-the same day Jason had vanished and he had not returned.
“Jason?” The smallest of whispers graced Danny’s lips, echoing in the stillness of the warehouse.
Around him, Jason felt the Bats and the Birds stiffen and jerk-saw Dick renew his efforts to stand beside him, to confront whatever threat this was together. But they didn’t matter, only the daughter in his arms and the man standing before him mattered.
One small whisper, one hopeful broken smile and just like that, all of Jason’s anger-all of his wrath-faded.
Hope-such a fragile thing-such a hard thing to kill.
“Danny.” He whispered back, his own voice cradling Danny’s name like it was something so precious, something so beloved. And it was, so dearly that Jason loved Danny.
Did Danny still love him?-Could he-would he love Jason again?
“Is it you?”
“Is it really you? Jason?” His voice was fragile, filled with broken hope, like a bird that had fallen and could not trust his own wings, could no longer trust the wind to carry him.
Danny jerked forward, reaching outward towards Jason-hand outstretched before it fell-“Or am I dreaming once more?” He questioned himself.
“Have I truly found you, Jason?”
His gaze moved over Jason, analyzing, trying to find discrepancies, to find the trick, to find the the lie that fooled the ardent hope that eventually led to his heart being broken once more for daring to try again-to hope again. How many times must Danny’s heart be broken before he learned not to hope anymore?
Countless. Danny would never stop hoping to find Jason. Even in all the agony, Danny would never stop hoping until he had his Jason in his arms again-For to stop hoping would mean to give up on Jason-and Danny would never give up on Jason.
The more Danny’s eyes roamed, the more uncertain-yet at the same time sure that this was his Jason-if just a little different-“You look different…”
And the single whisper seemed to stab Jason in his heart.
“Your eyes look tired” Danny said, but his own eyes carried the same fatigue, didn’t they? “Your smile…"He closed his eyes in nostalgic remembrance… "Would you still smile the same way?-At me, could you-would you smile?”
Danny shook his head, eyes going distant, unfocused, “I’m dreaming again-aren’t I?” A fragile smile graced his lips, “You’re not really here, are you?” A sharp laugh burst from his laugh, full of self-deprecation and grief. “How long must I wait-have I not waited enough?” His voice broke, his form slumping over slightly.
“How long has it been now?” He dragged a hand roughly down his face, defeat evident. “It feels like an eternity…” He whispered, voice ragged as if he had shouted til he had lost his voice. “-I’ll wait an eternity-but by the ancients-how much longer…”
Jason closed his eyes, because perhaps the man Danny was waiting for was truly gone. Perhaps Danny was truly waiting for a man that would never return.
“I-” Jason’s own voice broke, sounding loud-too loud in the silence of a man waiting for someone that may no longer exist. “I am not the man you are looking for.” His voice felt stilted, like blocks tumbling out of his mouth. “I am not the man you fell in love with.”
Confusion fell upon Danny-his frame stilling, eyes becoming silent and unreadable. Like a madman unleashed, Jason plowed on, his voice growing louder, his chest pounding in the way that was most familiar, hands clenching, knuckles feeling numb. Jason’s grip on Ellie tightened, but he kept the grip gentle-he would bring no harm to his daughter.
His hands didn’t need to shake in pain anymore, didn’t need to clench in rage, his knuckles didn’t need to be roughed up enough to bleed or ache for people who did not appreciate Jason’s countless sacrifices to his core values, instead, he would do it for his people-the people of Crime Alley-and his hands, however rough they were, could have a softer purpose when he was with them.
“I am not the Queen you once ruled beside.” Death rustled around him, and Danny’s eyes caught the sight, his eyes widening as his gaze fell onto Death and his daughter that was wrapped protectively in both Jason’s and Death’s gentle hands.
“I am not a man that is adored-nor am I kind and gentle like the husband you married.” Jason’s body trembled, feeling his strength leaving him with each word, his confession robbing him of his composure. He could feel himself cracking-
A son reduced to a soldier-forced to wait for scraps-of love-of acceptance-forced to reduce all that he was to garner approval-humiliated-discarded-left behind-replaced. Lost and forgotten.
“I am not the same man-I am not the love you knew before. My heart is changed-I’m changed-I’m different.” He struggled to explain, words failing him, unable to express all the ways that Jason had changed, how he was not the same man that was once loved-so ardently loved and cherished. Jason had changed-he was not the same.
Jason was tired of dreaming-would he only ever find happiness in realities that weren’t real? That were left behind in the past? Was Jason’s chance of happiness truly left in the past? Could Danny learn to love him again?
Say that you love me-that you want me, only me, not the ‘me’ that you remember.
“I don’t love-I don’t think I remember how to love right-I do it wrong-and to be loved-It’s been so long-I think I forgot…His voice broke. "I think I’m broken…”
It must be. Why else would everyone think he was not enough?-Something must have been irreparably damaged when he had died that second time. He must have lost something.
The living lost their lives by dying, it wouldn’t be incorrect to assume that the dead lost something when they returned.
“Danny-I…His voice went silent, "I am not the man you once adored.”
Danny’s silence, the incomprehension on his face was too much for Jason, he fumbled, trying to find more words but Jason was tired-and his body was shaky and his head was pounding-making it difficult to think-and he really felt like he needed to throw up.
Still-Jason hoped-Jason still-
But even bloody, broken and barely beating, Jason’s heart had always found a way to love people, even when they always eventually let him down. Even when his heart had stopped beating, Jason had still loved.
Could Danny find a way to love Jason? Even in all his brokenness?
“Would-could you fall in love with me again?-Even if I’m different, even with everything that has changed? Would-Could you love me all the same?”
Jason laughed-and even his laugh sounded broken-never hating himself more than he did at this moment. “I know that you’ve been waiting-Waiting for the man you love-but…” He stole a breath of air, throat feeling tight and lungs feeling as if they were filling with smoke. “I’m different. I am not the man you loved…”
“I’ve done things…”
Danny tilted his head, a worried expression contributing to his exhausted appearance. “What happened, Jason?” His voice was gentle. Oh-so gentle and Jason had forgotten the last time anyone had spoken to him in such a gentle tone, like words could leave scars if spoken to harshly. Like Jason’s heart was worthy of being protected from too harsh words.
He stilled, finally unable to keep the tears at bay, “Hurt people-a lot of people-even people I cared about and…-and I killed a lot of people-they deserved it-but still…” His voice trembled.
“Danny…” He croaked out. “I’ve done so many things I can’t take back-even still…”
Was it selfish to still want someone to love Jason, even after everything he had done?
Even in all his rage and grief at being abandoned, forgotten, of not being chosen or being replaced, Jason had never made it a secret that he just wanted to be loved back.As much as he had loved, not less, or almost, just as much. With every drop of love that Jason’s heart had squeezed from his veins, Jason wanted to be loved back, just as much, with just as much devotion and wrath.
“Would you fall in love with me again if you knew all I’ve done-the things I can’t undo? I am not the man you are waiting for-not anymore. Danny, I’ve changed.”
Danny took a step forward, a step closer to Jason, and Jason flinched back as if he had been hit.
“And I forgot-Danny I forgot about you-and I was so angry-so, so angry-and I’m still so angry-Danny!” Jason took in a ragged breath, “Could you really love this? Love me as what I am?”
Danny’s eyes flickered with tears, “Oh my Jason, my sweet Jason, what makes you think I can’t?”
Something in Jason cracked, and words unbidden ripped from Jason’s throat and for a moment his throat felt so raw that he thought a batarang had ripped it open once more.
“Because they couldn’t!” The screamed words echoed out in the warehouse and helplessly, Jason looked towards the now long cold body of the Joker.
Because Bruce was Batman, and Batman would always choose to 'save’ a rogue rather than save his 'son’.
Jason gestured wordlessly, over towards the silent Bats and Birds who had now learned that struggling was useless. He could feel their gazes on him, tearing into him, judging him, forgetting and replacing him, deeming him unworthy of being a son.
A sob broke through Jason’s clenched teeth. He could feel tears dripping down his face, could feel Dani in his arms, could feel the soft reassurance, the unending love that she sent towards him. Could feel Death wrapping herself around him tighter, trying to protect him, to assure that he was loved, that he was enough.
But Jason couldn’t quite believe them. It was too good to be true-and Jason didn’t deserve good things.
Before him, Dick broke through his shock, despair hunching his figure, “Jason, that’s not true! We-” Like a dam, voices of the Bat-family joined the protest.
For the first time that evening, Danny acted on his anger, his gentle features falling from his face and morphing into one of wrath.
“Silence!” His voice bloomed and Dick and the rest of the Bats and Birds winced, groaning as their ears began to bleed and the pressure intensified. Jason vaguely heard Red Robin collapse further, his knees no longer able to keep him upright, Spoiler and Robin followed soon after.
“You have done more than enough.” His eyes flickered as he passed an unforgiving gaze upon them, swirling lazarus green irises glowing in response to his rage.
Jason flinched, wondering if soon that gaze would be directed at him as well.
But it was in vain, for the moment Danny looked at him, his gaze softened, eyes sad. “My sweet Jason, what have they done to you?”
Jason gaze fell, unable to accept the kindness directed at him, “Nothing I didn’t deserve.” It was true, Jason had done just as much as they had done to him.
Danny’s voice hardened, “I see.” Then something shifted, and a coaxing lilt could be heard. “Jason…you are my Jason, my husband, my Queen, no?”
Jason froze then hung his head, “No, not the one you knew. I…I’m sorry.” There was something like defeat spoken alongside those words. But Jason was tired, tired of hoping, tired of waiting around for someone to love him. There was a pattern and it was becoming abundantly clear that the 'Jason that was loved’ and the 'Jason’ that Jason was, were two different people.
Then Danny sighed and Jason felt like his heart was breaking all over again. “If that’s true, could you do something for me?” Danny’s voice was soft but firm, ringing out with finality. There would be no dissent allowed, this was a command hidden behind a question.
Jason stomach sank, and he felt like throwing up, but he forced himself to look up, to meet Danny’s gaze, and nod in acquiesce.
Danny pointed at Jason, “The crown that was bestowed upon you by the infinite realms and our wedding ring, can you take them off and destroy them, can you sever the last connection between us?”
Jason’s heart shattered and he felt Dani gasp in his arms, even Death froze in alarm.
“How could you ask me this?” Jason asked, voice hallow-a mere rasp now-Jason himself felt hollow. He had never thought Danny would ever ask him something like this. Never.
“I had forged those rings with my own hands-mined their metals from meteors from the sky you loved so much, melted them down with the fire of the stars and my own core.” Jason felt his despair rising-had Danny truly abandoned him as well? “A symbol of my love for you-'eternal love, forever yours’ inscribed with my own blood-my own essence and yours were entwined together to make them!”
Anger flickered, then rose, roaring in Jason’s ears. “Do you realize what you have asked me?-The only way to destroy those rings-the crowns-is for one of us to be destroyed. They are eternal, a reflection of us! You ask the impossible of me!”
Danny smiled, “Only my Jason-my husband, my Queen knew the impossibility, knew his ardent devotion to me, yet you claim to be not him?”
“The impossibility of me not loving you anymore…dont’ you know that it is impossible?” Danny whispered, but it was as if he had shouted, for everything that was listening came to a stop.
Jason’s eyes widened, feeling his chest heaving, feeling his emotions whirling around him-settling into shock-and then softness. Of course, of course…
“Danny.” Jason said, his voice reverent-filled with fragile hope, still a smidge of protest made it way past.
Danny shook his head, stepping forward once more, “You ask me to fall in love with you again-” And Danny laughed, tears falling down his face, “As if I had stopped loving you!”
He took another step forward, but this time Jason could not jerk back or find it himself to move away, he was frozen, at the mercy of his lover, his everything, his eternity.
“But if you must know-if you are so uncertain-” Danny’s stare was intense, boring into Jason’s as if peering into his soul-and perhaps, maybe he was. “I will fall in love with you over and over again-” A determined shine was reflecting off of Danny’s eyes and-Jason had never ever seen anything quite so beautiful before.
“-I don’t care how, where or when!” Danny took another step forward. Each step forward was like a beat of Jason’s heart.
“No matter how long it’s been you are mine!” Another step forward and Jason’s heart stumbled like a newborn foal. He could feel tears streaming down his face but this time they were not those of despair.
“Don’t tell me you’re not the same person!” And Danny’s voice rang out with such a ferocity that he could feel his core shake with the timber, recognizing Danny’s claim-his core called out to Jason’s, “The core of you has not changed! You still call out to me!”
And Jason’s core responded, like hearts synchronizing, they beat as one.
“You are always my husband,” Jason trembled as Danny finally stepped into arm length, so close and yet so far, “-and I’ve been waiting!”
“Waiting for you!” Danny said firmly, “Only you! Always you!” He cried out, voice hoarse from emotions of longing and unfulfilled yearning. With a shaky hand, Danny cupped Jason’s cheek-and never before had Jason felt anything so wonderful, so…
Warm.
“Danny…” He whispered, leaning into his husband’s touch, staring into Danny’s eyes that were filled with wonder and slight disbelief, as if he still could not believe Jason stood before him.
There was a silence between the two men as they drank each other in, categorizing each new scar-the scars on their hearts and on their bodies that had not been there before-the wary and heaviness that they would now help each other carry-and the grief that had changed them both.
“I am not the same as I was, either, Jason. I’ve changed as well. Do you find yourself unable to love me?”
“No,” Jason shook his head vehemently before he cupped Danny’s hand that was holding his face ever so gently, entwining their fingers together and kissing his palm gently, reverently so, “No matter how much you’ve changed, my love for you will not-I will only fall in love with the little changes in you.”
Danny’s eyes softened as he let out a small huff of exasperation, “And yet somehow,” he raised an eyebrow, “you thought I would not be capable of the same thing.” He sighed, “Falling in love with you the first time was not hard-falling in love with you over and over again should not be so hard either.”
Then he smiled gently, his eyes full of adoration, “Even now, I am falling in love with you again, my sweet Jason. Telling me you’ve changed does not change how I feel about you, no matter how long it’s been, I will always love you.”
Jason swallowed, eyes feeling sore and irritated, but his heart feeling light and so filled with love and pure warmth. With revelation and reverence, Jason stood before Danny. How wonderful it was to be surrounded by the people who loved him. Then and there, Jason felt like he could do anything. Including believing that he was loved.
(Here he stood surrounded by destruction, and yet he had never felt more free. The aftermath of his death surrounded him and Jason had screamed 'I live, I’m alive, I will live’ and never before had he screamed so loudly. Jason was alive and the living waited for no one, not even for those that had died.)
“How long has it been?” He whispered, needing to know how long Danny had suffered without him. How long had Danny waited for him? Never again, never again would Danny have to wait so long.
“Twenty years.” Danny whispered back, his voice heavy with remembered grief.
Jason closed his eyes. For twenty years Danny had waited for him. For twenty years he had mourned him, remembered him and had sought him out. For twenty years he had never replaced him and now as he stood before him, he accepted and loved him as he was. Now as he stood before him, Danny only ever wanted to help shoulder his burden and love him.
In his arms, Dani shifted, and Jason pressed a kiss on top of her head, wanting to smooth out her hair, but unable to with one arm carrying her and the other in Danny’s grasp. Jason never wanted to let go-of either of them. Around him, Death fluttered softly, chirping softly like a mother bird to her chicks.
Jason could finally believe it.
How loved Jason was.
“I love you.” He whispered, letting the words and his core express the feeling of pure adoration and devotion he had for this man. For the people that had waited for him and loved him as he was.
Words could not describe the love Jason had for his family. He didn’t think they’d ever would. But 'I love you’ was a start.
Danny’s eyes crinkled softly as tears spilled on his cheeks, “I love you, too, Jason.”
Unable to hold himself back any longer, Danny reached out to scoop both Jason and Dani into his arms, pressing a firm kiss on Jason’s lips.
With a wiggle, Dani finally let her revulsion shine through, “Nope! You two are not smashing faces with me in the middle-it’s been twenty years! You are not-” With an over-exaggerated gag, Dani wiggled free from Jason and stumbled away like a shell-shocked soldier.
“After all I’ve been through today!-That was probably the worst-most traumatizing experience in my entire life.” She shivered in disgust, a look of pure horror plastered over her features.
Danny rolled his eyes, meeting Jason’s gaze fondly as they looked at their melodramatic daughter.
Danny giggled, “She gets that from you,” he accused playfully.
Jason chuckled, “Probably, I’ve been known to dramatize things a bit,” Then he winked playfully-if only slightly wetly-because it had been such a long time since Jason had felt this at ease and this free to be himself-“But that just makes it all the more fun.”
Danny laughed and Jason felt himself falling in love all over again.
Yes, it seems Danny was right. All these changes in one another would not be able to override the love they had for one another. The changes were simply small things that Jason would discover and fall in love with. Again, Jason would fall in love with Danny all over again.
Just like Danny would. All the changes Danny would find, Jason was sure, Danny would no doubt fall in love with each one, no matter how small or big.
Yes, how loved Jason truly was.
Holding Danny tightly against him, Jason let all his walls collapse, felt all his fear leaving him as Danny gave him the courage to believe again. Jason could believe that he was worthy of love, and in Danny’s arms, he knew he was loved, ardently so.
Green eyes, the color of swirling lazarus green gazed into his, and Jason could feel himself falling into them, forgetting everything else. Nothing else mattered anymore-
“Before y'all start smooching again, what are we going to do with our Bats and Birds problem?”
Danny blinked owlishly and Jason snapped back to reality. “Uhh” He said dumbly, blinking as he turned to look at the prostrated Batclan.
“Oh, shit, I forgot about those guys.” Danny said sheepishly before glancing over at Jason, looking for reassurance, “People you know?”
Jason shrugged, “Acquaintances.” (Though from the narrowed look in Danny’s eyes he knew the other man didn’t quite buy it.) Then he looked over Danny’s shoulder to the crumbled Nightwing that was looking at him with sad dejected eyes, tear streaks and snot maring his face.
Dani glanced at him as well, “Ugh!” Then shook her head in disgust. “I am not touching that.”
“Well, Dickface over there is my brother.”
Dani’s face wrinkled, “Ugh-he’s crying again-ew!” She shivered in disgust, “He’s the grabby type too. I do not need him all over me.” Then she turned accusing eyes at Jason, “You just had to give me a snot-faced uncle-didn’t you?”
A whimper escaped Dick at the title of 'Uncle’ and Dani turned to look at him, squinting slightly, “Is it normal for him to cry this much?”
Jason looked at his snot-faced brother, at his red rimmed eyes, face puffy from crying and overall in a state of mess. “Yeah…”
Jason shrugged, “Yeah, pretty much.”
Dick shot him a glare but he couldn’t quite make it look fierce or put any heat into the look, not when his face was being smashed into the concrete and not when he looked happy enough to do some of those handstands and backflips he usually did.
Jason shot his husband a glance and Danny flushed, “Oh my ancients-this is not a good first impression with an in-law!” Flustered, Danny waved his hand quickly and Dick finally sprang up with a groan, rolling his shoulders and shaking out his joints before he launched himself at both Danny and Jason and pulled them into a bone crushing hug.
The only reason he had not grabbed Dani was because she had had the foresight to distance herself and dodge his attack.
'Lucky her…’ Jason grumbled, internally, as he tried in vain to push his clingy octopus brother away from him and his husband.
Sobbing, Dick clung onto both of them. “Welcome to the family!” He then promptly dissolved into 'I’m so sorry, Jaybird’s and 'I love you so much’s. Jason blocked him out after the 4th 'I’m sorry’. This was too much emotions for one day, in Jason’s opinion.
Danny shot his husband a pinicked glance, but Jason could only shrug as he gave up his struggle to get away. “It’ll go by faster if you just let him do whatever he wants.” Honestly, Jason was much too tired to fight his brother.
“Oh…” Danny said blankly, patting Dick’s shoulder gingerly.
“At least he’s not using your shirt to wipe his face.”
“And that’s exactly why I didn’t let him catch me.” Dani called from a safe distance of 6 feet.
Danny glanced at her, then back at Jason, “And what should I do with the rest?”
Jason gave them a cool glance, noticing how Dick’s hold stiffened slightly, “The Bats and Birds are not allowed in Crime Alley.” He shrugged, “Perhaps help them find their way out.”
Jason core was much too tired to do anything else besides send Danny and Dani-Death too-emotional feedback of love and warmth and receive it in return. He would trust his husband’s judgment in regards to them.
Danny nodded, giving them a cool glance as well, “Very well, one smooth escort out of Crime Alley coming up!” And with a wave of his hand the Bat-Clan soundlessly fell into green portals.
Dick jerked back, eyes wide with panic and alarm, “What-!” He shot Jason a helpless glance, then a slightly pleading one to Danny.
Jason rolled his eyes, “Relax Dickbreath, Danny just teleported them outside of my turf.”
“And I made them unable to come back!-Like one of those never ending hallways! If they step into Crime Alley they’ll just be spit right back out.” Danny said a bit proudly, “They won’t be able to enter unless they were invited by one of the Crime Alley’s people.” Then he shot Jason an appeasing look, “You get total say of course, as this is your haunt. No doubt you’ll be able to feel anyone trespassing after your core awakens further.”
Jason shot him a tired but grateful look. It was nice to finally be supported, wholly and unconditionally.
“Did you just turn the Bat-Family into vampires?” Dani called from afar, laughing uproariously, “That’s hilarious!” Then she paused, “Who calls themselves the Bats anyways?” She paused again, grin going wide, “Goes with the dark and gloomy theme they got going, anyways.” She shrugged, “Bats and vampires.” She mused.
Dick slumped in relief before an exhausted look crossed his features. “This is not gonna help with the eldritch rumors.” Dick muttered tiredly.
Jason shrugged, “Not my problem.”
“And oh-by the way,” She shot a disgruntled look at her parents, “I’m crashing at Dick’s place. No way I’m going home with you two-not when you guys haven’t seen each other in twenty years.” She gagged, then shivered in horror. “I’ve been traumatized enough for one day. No thank you!”
Jason didn’t quite buy that excuse but he didn’t dissent, neither did Danny. They knew when to pick and choose their battles with their daughter. This was not one they would win.
Jason could feel the suspicion and the protective need to investigate Dick radiating off of Ellie’s small frame, all of it hidden behind her cheer but practically spoken to him through the communication of their cores. No doubt, Dick could read the suspicion hidden there, but Jason also had no doubt that he’d be using this opportunity to prove himself and win his spot as her favorite uncle.
Dick gave her wide hopeful eyes, and Dani narrowed hers, “But no funny business! You keep your hands to yourself!”
Dick nodded, head bobbing up and down, “Promise! No funny business,” he crossed one hand over his heart, the other arm still wrapped around Jason and Danny, mostly Jason but Danny was wrapped around Jason so he really didn’t have any other choice but to be trapped in Dick’s embrace.
Jason grimaced, “Exactly.” Agreeing with Ellie’s rule.
At that, Dick shot him a confused glance and Jason found himself no longer willing to entertain his brother. “Get off me, Dickbrain! I’ve got a whole husband to woo!”
With a look of realization, Dick sprang away, embarrassment coloring his ears red. “Of course, Dani and I will be off right away.” Then his smile turned lecherous, “I wouldn’t mind having another niece or nephew to look after!” Dani gagged in the background and, vaguely in the corner of his eyes, he could see Danny turning pink.
Jason felt his own cheek growing warm and he growled out menacingly. “Go home, dick-and take care of my daughter or so help me-”
Not that he was really worried, as now that Dani remembered she was reincarnated, and had been visited by Death, thus prompting her core to fully awaken-she know had full range of her usual abilities and could, no doubt, defend herself quite easily even if multiple multiversal threats made themselves known. She was nigh impossible to hurt now, and even if she was, her regenerative abilities would heal her-like they had already healed her now. There was also the fact that the Joker was now dead, making Jason not so hesitant to leave his daughter in the care of Dick.
Dick raised his hands in a placating gesture as he snickered cheekily, “Yup! Yup! Got it! Homemade meals and bedtime at 9! Got it, no need to remind me!” Then his eyes softened as he looked at Jason, “Thank you for trusting me, Little Wing-and thank you for giving me another chance.” Then as quick as a flash, the moment was over. “Also, I can tell when you’re using 'dick’ as an insult.”
Jason rolled his eyes, feeling slightly uncomfortable, “Whatever, we’ll be back tomorrow morning to pick our daughter up.” Then he glanced at Ellie, “We’ll send Jazz if something comes up.”
Dani rolled her eyes, “20 years. Just send Jazz to come pick me up in a week, don’t bother with your excuses.” Not that Dani was incapable of taking care of herself, just that Jason was a worrywort. He silently thanked her for amusing him, but Dani merely shrugged in response-probably knowing his need to ensure everyone’s safety after such a close call.
Beside him, Danny’s pretty pink turned into a deep crimson red and Jason couldn’t help gazing at him in adoration.
Dick, coughed, “Right then, we’ll be off then-give you love birds some privacy.”
Jason grunted, then turned his gaze to the fallen Joker. He’d have to get his men to clean the mess up….
“Just go, I’ll take care of everything here.” Dick gave him an earnest look, “You deserve a break, Little Wing.” Jason shot him a grateful look.
Then Dani piped up, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he does everything the Crime Alley way.”
Jason sent his daughter a grateful glance, then shot Dick another glance to make sure Dick got the message to take care of his daughter, before he turned back to his husband. Exhaustion was on the forefront of his mind and all Jason wanted to do was go home and sleep in Danny’s embrace.
It had been such a long time…
Tired, exhausted, and drained, Jason buried himself in the arms of the man that had waited for him for twenty years. Finally, after all this time, he finally knew peace.
With another wave of his hand, Danny opened up a portal towards home and both of them stepped through, right back to the rest of everything that Jason had lost. As the portal closed behind them, he heard Dani shout out, “One week! I need my happy reunion with Dad just as much as you do Danny!”
Then the realm with swirling lazarus green welcomed back her Queen and King, quickly rushing to help care for his core. Death chirped a final note of love before she faded into the background, off to carry out her other duties and give her chosen rulers some privacy.
Gently, Danny scooped his lover into his arms, crooning soft words of love and cherishment. It would be a long night, indeed. Not long enough, but it was a start.
Yes, how deeply loved Jason was.
Continuous of 'If I could love you, I would. (Soulfully, you know I would.)’, 'Would you love me as I am, not as you remember me?’, 'When I left the past behind…I left you behind too’, 'My hands were made to be gentle, even if they are rough around the edges (Even as they pull a trigger now)’ and, 'The wrath of a king pales in comparison to that of a father or that of a husband (If a king can be worthy enough to be compared to a father or a husband)’
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The wrath of a king pales in comparison to that of a father or that of a husband (If a king can be worthy enough to be compared to a father or a husband)
Dead on main
Author’s note: Thank you for your patience and support. I have read every single comment, and seen every single like and follow. I appreciate y'all guys. Anyways, have fun. :)
Part 1 here Part 2 here Part 3 here Part 4 here
Death’s embrace had been gentle, like that of a mother comforting a struggling child, firm but gentle in the direction she had pulled Jason in. It was warm but dark in her eternal (-it had been eternal-it was supposed to be forever) embrace. Jason knew he was safe here, that no one would ever be able to hurt him again. He could rest, be content and know peace. Here, Jason had rested, tucked away from the troubles of life.
Death had granted him asylum, had taken his hand and had gently led him away into the afterlife. He had felt warmth then something shifted, and Jason stood in a realm of the dead, one of them, and knowing no more pain of life.
Then Death’s gentle hands were gone-and while Jason had never truly seen her-Jason could still feel her all around him, gently encouraging him to move on, to find something for himself here in the fields and islands of lazarus green. Jason did not mourn for long, knowing someday, his family would join him here.
It would be later when Jason found out that this was not guaranteed, as only tragic poignant deaths filled with the strong energy of emotion-enough to create and form what Jason was-a ghost-would come to the infinite realms and become one of her people. Death had not delivered Jason to an afterlife like heaven, but to a realm of the dead-somewhere where they lived as the undead. Not everyone met tragic ends, some went peacefully, and moved on completely from their lives. Jason had not truly moved on, Jason’s death had merely birthed him a new life. An undead life, but life nonetheless.
So Jason’s hope to see his family faded-why would he hope to see them when he knew what that would mean? That they too had met a tragic end? Had experienced what he had? Jason would not hope that on anyone, so he had moved on the best he could.
He had made new friends in the form of Johnny 13 and Kitty, followed them to a sleepy little town called Amity Park and had met the love of his undead life-had met their daughter-and had settled down. Decades had gone by, as time had flowed faster in the realm of the dead, and Jason had fully settled into his role of being a husband, of being a father and eventually, of being a Queen.
Then once again, Jason had lost it all. But this time, there was no gentle guiding hand of death-and the green that had once comforted Jason, that had once been the color of his lover’s and daughter’s eyes-that had been the color to bring warmth and meaning to Jason’s undead life-now had been the thing that had brought him blinding agony and torment. Jason still had no good reason for what had been done to him.
Jason had been resting peacefully before he had been ripped from Death-his kingdom, had mourned losing Death’s sanctuary and the peace-the family she had offered him. Without her gentle touch, her gentle guidance, he had been lost and had quickly fallen into anger. The dead know peace, it’s the living that have lost it, that are struggling to find it. Jason had lost peace when he had come back to life, he was not dead, he was alive and so the peace of death-and everything she offered him-had too been ripped from him.
He had lost his husband, his daughter, his friends, and his role of being Queen-he had lost his death. Again, Jason had lost his ‘life’.
Worst, this time he did not get the privilege of keeping his memory-no, he had lost that too. Again, Jason had lost everything.
And he did not remember it.
He felt it though. Understood, deep down, that he had lost something-someone? And had become so filled with anger and rage and wrath that eventually Jason had lost his sanity, too.
He was a Queen without his kingdom, a husband without his lover, a father without his daughter, a friend without friends, a son without gentle guiding hands, stranded in a strange world that was no longer his. Jason was dead, forced into the world of the living-surrounded by everything he had lost in his first death and consumed by everything he had lost in his second.
Because Jason truly had died a second time when they had revived him-when they had ripped the afterlife from his veins and had killed him again. The living and their selfish thinking that all those that had died wanted to be alive again-they could not understand that you did not have to be alive to live, you just had to move on. And Jason had moved on-only for all of Jason’s progress in death to be ripped out of his hands so he could prove himself to useful-again-for people who did not truly want or love him.
Only for all the progress in life to be looked down upon and judged because it did not fit the antiquated moralities of a family that had forgotten him, replaced him and had only ever seen him as a soldier.
A Queen reduced to rags and wrath-forgotten and dismissed-reduced to a mere soldier, a pawn in other people’s games. Yes, Jason, twice fold, had lost everything, did that not entitle him to rage? Or had he not earned that yet? How many more times did Jason have to prove his use for his anger to matter? For his pain? How much loss did Jason have to experience before his pain was deemed worthy of rage? The rage filling his chest was far better than the pure agony of loss that Jason had felt.
Did his lack of memory of everything he had lost mitigate the pain he had felt?
Even now, as he held his daughter against his chest, having found someone he had lost, feeling her breath against him, Jason could only instinctively understand that she was his daughter. He could not yet remember-could only feel the grief that losing her had brought him-what almost losing her again had done to him. Jason still could not remember all that he had lost, but he could feel it. Jason would always feel the absence. The grief he had felt of losing…everything.
The grief of almost losing his daughter again.
How much more did Jason stand to lose? Why did Jason had to lose everything? He had not chosen to die the first time. Nor had he chosen to die the second time. Why must those that die lose everything they held dear? Where was the fairness in that? Everyone only cared about the pain the living went through, but no one cared for the pain of the dead. The living lost someone dear to them, but it was the dead that lost everything. Twice, Jason had lost everything. How much more did he stand to lose?
There was a rage that came with that grief. Of having to endure the pain of losing everything. Was there truly nothing Jason was allowed to keep? Was he really unworthy? What had decided that Jason was unworthy of being loved? But there was also a numb emptiness.
As Jason stared at the green that was overtaking the room, in the aftermath of not being chosen over the Joker-again, only one sentiment mattered to him.
'Am I really not enough?’
Because when Jason had chosen his daughter, it had been the easiest decision he had ever made. So what made Jason so different?
'Am I really so unworthy of being loved? Of being picked?’
There was an answer, but Jason wasn’t sure he quite liked it. No, he sensed, with a rising despair, that it would destroy him if he ever managed to form the thought.
Some people would never love you as much as you loved them, sometimes not even in the same way, if they even loved you at all.
What was so wrong with Jason-
Something suddenly came to be, and the green light was suddenly accompanied by a ’darkness’. No one else reacted, no one except his daughter, who showed no alarm. Jason could tell that she found the presence comforting, as much as she found his.
Who was this being?
Flashes of a crown-of a crowd-cheers-a throne room with two thrones-a gentle hand holding his-leading him-choosing him to be-
'My son, my Queen. I have finally found you.’
Jason shifted, feeling the subtle darkness in the room coalescing around his and his daughters form. A simple answer, a revelation, a greeting from a mother, the acknowledgment of who he was before he had forgotten-a son, a Queen-was all that was needed to stall Jason’s desperate question and block the thoughts that would have destroyed Jason.
It was the feeling of unending unconditional love coming from this being that stunned Jason. Surely, this is what it felt to be loved by a mother?
Jason was…He didn’t need to wait around for people to figure out he was worthy-that he was enough! He was loved, wasn’t he? He was a son?
He looked down at Dani who was nestling in the arms of her father, surrounded by Death-a mother who protected her children fiercely.
He was a father.
And Jason started to remember…
Flashes of green islands-a beautiful smile-someone holding his hand-the sound of laughter-and the feeling of being love-spiraling castles and-
Only flashes…still only flashes…Jason needed more-he remembered something?
He had forgotten that…-he remembered that Death had chosen him as Queen-as her champion, as her child firstly-always as her child before anything else. He remembered that he reigned over her people as their protector, an equal to their King, his lover. Worthy enough to become Queen, enough to be beloved by his people, chosen as Death’s Champion. Loved and cherished as Death’s son, chosen as a father, and as a lover.
The only entity that had loved him as her child, and solely as her child-and had guided him gently-even in all his wrath-she had never abandoned or had forgotten him-she had lost him. Just like Ellie had lost him, and just like…Danny…
…?
Danny?
Death…
Jason welcomed her touch, letting her calm his raging and chaotic mind, letting her hang from his shoulders like a cloak-not as colorful as the one he started off with, but just as comfortable-just as dear. It reminded him of Bruce’s gentle touch, in the way that Bruce had once pulled him deeper in his embrace, his cloak and the shadows of the night concealing them both.
When Jason had died, he had lost his father’s gentle touch and when he had been revived he had lost the maternal touch of Death.
Just how much had Jason lost?
He was the Queen of infinite realms, a chosen child of Death-why did Jason have to lose so much?
Was Jason going to lose Danny too? To forget and lose him was one thing, to remember him and lose him anyways, was another. This time, it would be by choice, this time Jason would have truly lost him.
Now, as the room began to glow in a lazarous green shine, Jason felt Death take his hand again, but this time she did not lead Jason away from everything he had lost-this time…This time she led him back. The question was, would he be welcomed back? He had not been before. He felt her silent apology, felt her mourning his loss like he mourned it himself-like he mourned all that he had lost.
It was nice…to finally have someone willing to stand by his side and mourn with him for all he had lost, rather than mourn him for having changed, for being different. Grief changed people, Death understood that. Jason would not have to doubt Death’s understanding. He could feel it.
But…Jason was beginning to become angry. The shock of almost losing his daughter and the fatigue of dealing with the Joker and Batman was wearing off, now anger was coming forth. Anger of having almost lost it all-again!
Anger of being denied his anger for so long, for having lost so much-!
Jason felt Death rise to meet his anger-her own coming forth in response to having lost him and he welcomed it as a balm to his own wrath. It was nice to know someone was just as angry as he was, that someone would not shame this anger and could understand-wanted to understand and wanted to be angry with him. Not against-never against. Death would always be on his side, she had chosen him after all.
Because Bruce was Batman, and Batman would always choose to 'save’ a rogue rather than save his 'son’.
A faint scar crossing over his esophagus was answer enough, but Jason had always been a fool when it came to his heart. And his heart had always believed in second chances, hadn’t it? He had had a second chance in life, why not in this?
Death had given Jason a second chance.
To be angry, to be wrathful, to be a son, to be loved.
Jason felt as she wrapped protectively around his daughter, around him-her Queen and Princess once again in her reach. With her acknowledgement, Jason felt death once again begin to fill his veins-he was dying-he was coming to death(unlife)? And his core, which had been in a slumber, began to beat, stirring and awakening-and with it, Jason’s memories-the ones that had not yet been remembered-all of what had been forgotten-sprang forth.
With each lurching beat, a new memory burst forward, jumbling together in a cacophony of sound, feeling-pure emotions of happiness, sadness, joy, pleasure, anger, love-and green light-visions of a nostalgic past that Jason had been forced to abandon.
The memories of green flashed before his eyes, in what felt to be a small eternity, and time seemed to both slow and speed up-both the present and the past vying for Jason’s attention. All the love, the warmth, the years of ruling by the side of his King, of watching over their daughter-all of it bloomed inside of Jason’s mind-shattering everything he thought he knew and everything of who he was.
Everything that Jason had lost…Stood surrounding him.
He knew, oh how he knew, with a deep sinking bone despairing feeling, that he would not be getting this back either.
A son reduced to a soldier-forced to wait for scraps-of love-of acceptance-forced to reduce all that he was to garner approval-humiliated-discarded-left behind-replaced. Lost and forgotten.
This time…
Would he lose Danny too now, now when he only just remembered what it felt like to be cherished by him?
The room in the manor that had once been his-now renovated into another memorial, frozen in time as to say he was not allowed back unless he could be the 'Jason’ from before-as if the Jason he now was, was unworthy of making space for. Only welcomed if he fit the mold, otherwise thrown out and forgotten.
Would Danny also find him unworthy as he was now? Would he welcome him back or condemn him?
Or…
…had Jason truly been lost?-Or just deemed unworthy from the start? Forgotten because it was easier than to remember and mourn?
'Lost!’ Death cried out in agony. She warped around him, fluttering in her distress. 'Never forgotten. Eternally beloved.’
'My child, my son!’ In her mournful cries, Jason truly felt what it meant to be remembered. What it was like to be cherished enough to be mourned. To be worthy of being remembered and seen as a son-not a soldier. 'Never a soldier’ She affirmed-and Jason felt her anger turn to wrath at the mere thought of it.
Of course, Death would never forget him. She had lost him. A mother would never forget her child, never try to replace her beloved son-nor use him for her own gains or try to conform him-break him into something usable.
'You are my Queen.’ Death exclaimed.
A voice, male, echoing from his memories, joined hers. ’You are worthy just as you are.’
Jason’s head pounded in his skull, a bead of blood dripping from his nose from the pure onslaught of information and emotional turret that had been rammed into his brain. His core sputtered, fire flickering as death fanned its flames.
A low chuckle-slightly hysterical, slightly cynical-ripped its way out of Jason’s throat as he gazed in at the summoning sigil that was spreading across the floor, painted in the blood of the Joker, its green glow familiar.
And Jason remembered why it was familiar.
After all, he had waited so long for this…To remember why he loved this color so dearly, to be loved again by those swirling eyes of lazarus green…
Jason took a step forward then faltered…Took a look around at all the figures that surrounded him, at his brother that stood before him.
Death said he had been lost…that he had not been abandoned, that he was still beloved….but…
If even his own family could not love him as he was now, could Jason really hope that Danny still could? That he would? Or would he too mourn the 'Jason’ of the past? Leave Jason behind for prettier memories?
The Joker may be dressed as a fool, but it was Jason that would always be the fool. But what would happen when Jason didn’t want to be the fool anymore?
Beside him, Dick snapped his attention to what Jason was now currently sneering at, just in time to see the Joker’s blood complete the sigil and the green Lazarus glow to become as bright as the morning sun.
Around them, the Bats and Birds widened their stances, some of them retreating into the shadows, attempting to use whatever darkness was left as a cover. Jason ignored them, they were not important-what they did was of no importance anymore.
It would always be important, how many of their actions had left scars on Jason’s heart-left him faltering, doubting the love that had been offered so freely and unconditionally?
Jason was tired of them-tired of everything-and angry. Both angry and tired of being the fool.
Jason was done waiting. Of being the fool hoping to be chosen.
Why did he believe that Batman would choose her?
He had not chosen him.
A faint scar crossing over his esophagus was answer enough, but Jason had always been a fool when it came to his heart. And his heart had always believed in second chances, hadn’t it? He had had a second chance in life, why not in this?
Would Danny give him a second chance? Could he?
Jason was a Queen-he should have never been reduced to this!-This waiting!-And begging!-To be chosen, to be loved.
Dick-ever the protective big brother-stood in front of Jason, shielding both Jason and Dani from the eyes of whatever was being summoned-and Jason could tell, from the slight pressure and dread forming in his stomach that this being was powerful-and angry. No doubt, from how pale Dick had gone, that whatever he was feeling was worse than what Jason was feeling-and on a much larger scale.
After all, Jason was a Queen, the wrath of a King was a moot point.
As if he could ever hope to stand in front of the King of the infinite realms-to incur his wrath and survive-only his Queen could incur the King’s wrath and survive.
But Jason was the his? Queen-and an angry one at that.
A King could only ever hope to survive after incurring his Queen’s wrath.
With a flash of green light, the temperature in the room plummeted, causing Jason’s breath to fog in the air. In his arms, Dani’s barely awakened core chirped sleepily in response to her other father’s presence and Jason’s slowly awakening core. Weakly, Jason’s core responded back and Dani’s slightly tense body began to relax as the temperature lowered to a comfortable cold that both her father and her ice core enjoyed.
Jason’s core flickered, fire rising.
“Shit!” With a muffled groan, Dick collapsed to his knees, his head bowed forward as he struggled to remain upright, a hand splayed out, a shaky arm bracing his now shivering body upright. His teeth chattered.
While the beam of light faltering signaled the end of the summoning, it was Dick collapsing to his knees that really indicated the arrival of a powerful figure. A glance around revealed a similar state to the rest of the Bats and Birds-even Batman had had no choice but to bow under the pressure.
Unimpressed, Jason continued to stand tall, the pressure of the King doing little to subjugate the Queen. A Queen never bowed, not even to a King. Not even when the King was displeased with the Queen. Would Danny be displeased with Jason?
Instead, he merely gazed ahead, his eyes slightly cold as he took in the figure in the middle of the sigil-heart cold and numb- and tired.
Say that you love me-that you want me, only me, not the 'me’ that you remember.
Wrapped in a cloak painted in the infinite realms stars, stood the man Jason had been dreaming of ever since his second death. So much had changed since then.
Jason was tired of dreaming-would he only ever find happiness in realities that weren’t real? That were left behind in the past? Was Jason’s chance of happiness truly left in the past? Could Danny learn to love him again?
He could feel a stillness in the air, the air having become quiet as death’s King stood in a realm of the living. Jason felt his rage flicker to life as he met the King’s wrath with his own.
Jason, a lost husband, a betrayed son and a wrathful father had a lot to say to the King that had lost him.
Jason found, that his wrath-
It was nothing new.
Continuous of 'If I could love you, I would. (Soulfully, you know I would.)’, 'Would you love me as I am, not as you remember me?’, 'When I left the past behind…I left you behind too’, and 'My hands were made to be gentle, even if they are rough around the edges (Even as they pull a trigger now)’
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Circle to Search provides steady translation
Google has introduced a reasonably main improve to the comfort of the interpretation constructed into Circle to Search on Android, which is able to now proceed translating because the content material on-screen modifications.
Google has barely undersold the characteristic with the identify “Scroll and translate.” The truth is, it can now proceed to translate as you swipe by screens, scroll down…
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Would you love me as I am, not as you remember me?
Dead on Main
Jason’s dreams were his only solace in this world. To dream about a world that was not his, where people accepted him as he was, not what they wanted him to be.
Not as Robin. Not as a soldier. Not as an assassin. Not as Jason Peter Todd-Wayne. After all, Jason Peter Todd-Wayne had died long ago with Robin. Never again would he rise. Just as Jason Peter Todd.
The man that had once been Robin, the man that was now Red hood. A man that fought and killed, had been killed and saved others from what he had so desperately wanted to be saved from. A man that was just as complex as everyone around him yet could not be understood solely because the people around him wanted him to be someone else; were looking for someone else in all the fragments that Jason had painstakingly put back together, piece by broken piece.
Yet still, all his efforts of self-discovery and self-healing were looked down upon and dismissed simply because they did not align with the black and white moralities of a man that never had to sacrifice morality in order to simply survive. Not like Jason had to, not like every single street alley kid or regular Joe that didn’t have a billion dollars to their names.
What would you do to eat?
What would you do to feed your children that were slowly dying of starvation. What was morality in the face of life and death? In the face of children dying, would you condemn the thief or would you condemn the man that had thousands of apples but would not spare a single one out of greed for the need to profit?
What is morality compared to survival?
Nothing.
You cannot condemn the thief and laud the murderer. No, it does not matter if the business man hides behind the law and profit. A murderer has a gun and a politician has the law.
Bruce had an antiquated sense of morality.
It was Batman’s inability to kill, his need to save rogues and place them into the revolving door that was Arkham, only for them to go on a murdering spree the day they inevitably escaped, that was Batman’s gun. It was his antiquated sense of morality that protected the corrupted and condemned the victims, like the laws that protected the business men that poisoned the waters, ground and sky in the name of the economy and free enterprise.
Morality, the law for a morale man, the high ground of never taking a life, was Bruce’s back up plan.
Bruce had always had a back up plan. (B had been Jason’s back up plan, but look at how that had fallen through.) Always had a back-up plan, a reason not to take life, but unlike Jason, he had the privilege of escaping the consequences by taking off the suit and stepping into the life of a wealthy privileged man. He didn’t get to experience the first-hand result of giving a madman another opportunity to finish what he had started. (Batman had to win everytime, a rogue? Only once. Robin dying was enough proof of that.) But Jason had, and still did, just like everyone in Gotham still did.
Uncontrolled men who continued to abuse, traffic, and sexually torment the people around them simply because they were still alive and simply because they knew there would be no permanent punishment.
Batman and his birds didn’t kill; they knew that. Parole didn’t stick; they would be back next week. The people they abused? Waiting for them to come back, eyes already dead because soon enough the living breathing person behind them would be too. Trafficked, sold off to the highest bidder or shot and dumped in an unknown bay, used and discarded because they weren’t seen as people, only play things or a means to an end.
(Everyone he knew would have preferred the latter of the two options. But what options were those really?)
But Jason didn’t want that for the people of crime alley. He didn’t want them to be continuously at the mercy of a mad man, their only hope hedging on the luck that time didn’t run out for them, that Red Hood wasn’t too late to save them. Like B had been too late to save him.
Luckily, Jason didn’t have an antiquated sense of morality that ruled over him, so the people of Crime Alley would never know what it was like to go through what Jason had to in order to learn that ‘morality’ was just an excuse not to get your hands dirty.
He didn’t want them continually looking over their shoulder knowing that the man who had harmed them was still out there, free and continuing their reign of terror. He didn’t want the people who were dead to go unavenged. He at least owes them that. Someone owed them that. Did Jason still count as someone?
If you were too late to save someone, the least you could do was avenge them. Permanently stop the possibility of the rogue hurting another person.
So Jason avenged the dead. He gave the living peace. He understood why it was so crucial for them to have it.
Both were things he had never gotten for himself.
It was why he had started killing at the beginning of his reign as Red Hood and it was why Jason had never truly stopped even when it had upset Batman. Because it was necessary. Jason didn’t like killing anymore than anyone else, but he knew it was necessary.
And Jason was tired. Tired of pretending it wasn’t. Tired in general, really.
Jason was tired of people expecting him to change to suit other people’s pallets and tastes, tired of reforming himself to suit other people’s needs. What about him? Didn’t his own wants and needs matter too? Or was he just too angry for that to matter? For him to matter? Did anger absolve his pain?
With B it had been Robin, with Talia it had been a perfect assassin, just another type of mindless weapon, a soldier, never just a son. With Alfred it was to be a soldier, someone who gave support without question and never contradicted. Someone to support Batman and help his ward, Bruce. A conditional affection, Jason knew that now. Alfred had never been loyal to him. Had never truly cared. With Dick, it was being a good little brother, even when he hadn’t been a good older brother to Jason when he had most needed one. (Didn’t matter if he wanted to be a good older brother now. Didn’t he knew he was too late? Just like Bruce had been?) With Tim it was being someone who had never fallen.
But Jason had fallen. And he had not gotten up.
He could no longer be what these people wanted him to be. He was not that perfect version, a vision of untouched naivety. Jason had changed, he had grown. Perhaps that is why they still mourned even as he stood across from them. What they wanted him to be was gone. The boy that they had loved had really died that day and had not come back, instead Jason had been the one that had come back. Someone that they actually did not want.
Jason supposed he had been in denial, as well. It was why he didn’t immediately correct the incorrect notion that the boy they loved was still in him, somewhere deep down. They would just have to reach him-they could if they tried hard enough! Maybe Jason had wanted to believe that too. He stopped believing it after a while though.
He did suppose that is why he had tried to respect Batman’s no kill rule. Why he bent to their whims on morality, gritted his teeth when they gave him looks of pity whenever the Joker was mentioned. Or when they treated him wearily like he was one wrong word or one too-rushed movement from having a raging meltdown.
Not that Jason could blame them.
But who wouldn’t snap being surrounded by people who thought you were wrong, that you came back wrong, who thought that everything you did was wrong, who looked down at you and judged your methods, your morals, your 'lifestyle’. Anyone would break being surrounded by people who only ever wanted to change them. Who didn’t want them, just the person could warp you into, just the person they remembered you to be. Jason wasn’t Robin anymore but that was the problem, wasn’t it.
Yes, that was the problem. They mourned 'what could have been’, but Jason was still here, he still could be. Just not in the way they wanted him to be. He had grown, he had changed. Why were they so adamant in dragging him back to what could no longer serve him? Why couldn’t they love him just as he was? Was he truly unworthy of love and acceptance just as he was? Why did he always have to change, be useful, why did he have to be willing to serve someone for someone to want him?
“Jason.”
Jason didn’t bother to turn around, knowing already, from the reports of his men, and recognizing the almost silent footsteps, that it was Nightwing that stood behind him.
He knew his men had received his orders that the Bat-Family was no longer welcome in Crime Alley. Only with his explicit permission were they allowed to operate in the alley, which they currently did not have, but his men had also received orders to not engage as only he stood a real chance against them. He didn’t need his men to fight a losing battle.
Like the one he had lost. Indeed, Jason had lost his place in the Bat-Family. But it had always been a battle he was going to lose, he just hadn’t known it then.
He turned around, “Nightwing, to what do I owe the displeasure?”
Now before him, the vigilante stood, uncertainty hiding underneath his cocky and cheerful mask he had made long ago, when he too, had once been nothing but his anger. (Why couldn’t he understand that now it was Jason that needed to be angry?) He held out his hands in a display of peace. A beseeching smile on his face.
Jason merely raised an eyebrow before continuing his careful maintenance of his gear. Right now he was cleaning his set of guns. He didn’t bother to put it down. No need to make an unwelcome guest feel welcomed.
“You’re not wearing the bat symbol anymore?” His voice was already overly cautious, like he was talking to an easily startled animal.
“No need. I’m not a Bat.” I’m not a soldier.
Jason was not a bat. He killed. He sought vengeance. He was the Red Hood. He was not Robin anymore. When Robin died, Red Hood came to life-and Red Hood was not a symbol of justice, he was a symbol of vengeance.
Something shifted in Nightwings demeanor and his shoulders slumped over, defeated.
“Jason…” He said softly, his voice the same tone he would use on frightened civilians or a lost and scared child. “I’m right here, talk to me.”
“I’m right here too.” I’m not dead, please stop mourning me. I right here. I’m still right here. I’m not dead. I’m right here. But his voice was monotone, like he was simply stating a fact.
“Jason…”
Jason spared him a glance, catching Nightwing’s wounded expression.
Jason shook his head, setting down his weapon to give the vigilante his full attention. He crossed his arms, “What are you doing in my alley, Nightwing?”
Nightwing made a wounded sound, before he attempted to cover it up with a joke. “What? No insult? No 'Dickwing’? 'Dickface’? 'Dickbreath’? Nothing?”
Jason began to turn away, dismissing the vigilante from his sight and mind, turning his attention back to polishing the barrel of his gun, a sentence forming to dismiss the vigilante and make it known that he was not welcome in Crime Alley.
“Wait-!” Jason paused, glancing back to see Nightwing’s frustrated appearance, one hand gripping the back of his neck, at a loss of what to say. He closed his eyes, breathing out before he raised his hands in a placating gesture.
“I just want to talk.” He paused, “You’ve cut off all other means of communication.”
And you’d think that if the ban of the Bat-Family wasn’t enough of a hint that Red Hood no longer wanted to communicate with them, that would be. But the Bat-Family was nothing but stubborn. Too bad their stubbornness tended to be more destructive than it was helpful.
Jason leaned back, gesturing for him to continue.
“What Alfred did…I’m sorry, I knew how much you looked up to him.”
“Don’t be. Alfred was right. I was just a soldier. He didn’t do anything but point out the obvious. Honestly, I should thank him for being the only one willing to be honest. It was an eye-opener, really.”
Nightwing made an affronted sound, his eyes narrowing, “Jason, you are not a soldier-!”
Jason cut him off, “And yet I took orders like one, and yet I died like one. Just a pawn in someone else’s game.” He laughed, not caring for Nightwing’s grimace or his pain at the mention of his death. It was his death, why should he tiptoe around the reality of what happened to him just because it made other people uncomfortable? He was the one that had died! And yet somehow he still took it better than everyone else in his god forsaken life.
“When I stopped taking orders like a good little soldier-when I stepped out of line-I was questioned, abandoned, left behind. Deemed not useful to keep around.”
Nightwing flinched, but his gaze was steady, “That’s not true, Jason. And you are not a soldier, Jason. You’re my brother.”
“And yet you didn’t take the plaque down. Where were you when I needed you?”
Nightwing jerked as if Jason had struck him. His mouth opened but no words fell out.
“When I was Robin, you didn’t want to have anything to deal with me, not even as a brother. But when I’m standing before you, no longer Robin, now you’re thinking about Robin, now you’re thinking about the little brother that needed you. But Robin isn’t here anymore. The boy you’re looking for died, and you’re sorry he didn’t come back.”
Jason barked out a laugh, causing Nightwing to flinch. “Hell, you’re not even mourning me anymore, you’re just mourning an idolized version of me that probably never actually existed.”
Jason laughed again, longer this time. He ignored the fact that it sounded too jagged, too unnatural, too strained to be something that should be coming from him.
Jason shook his head in disapproval as he took in Nightwing’s expression, the guilt that lay there, that he couldn’t hide. He blamed himself for not being there, just like Bruce blamed himself for not getting there in time. Jason was tired of the guilt, it never got him anything but pitying glances and unsaid words and walls too high to be climbed over.
“Don’t feel guilty about not saving me from the Joker, I never blamed you for that. But I can’t help thinking-” Jason’s voice broke “-that when I actually needed you, you weren’t there!-You’re still nowhere to be found! I don’t need you in the past! I need you here-now-right now!”
His voice began to rise, “But you’re still stuck in the past-all of you are! Trying to save Robin when he doesn’t need to be saved-He died! He’s not coming back! Get over it!” He shouted, his words like thunderous cracks of lightning. Years of pent up frustration suddenly spilling forth. Jason was no longer willing to keep silent, no longer willing to avoid what had to be said.
Jason’s chest began to heave. Something in him going silent, resigned. “But I’m still here…I’m still waiting (always waiting), but you’ve got your head so far up your ass that you can’t figure that out can you?”
Jay couldn’t take it anymore, “I’m not a soldier-I used to be but not anymore-not ever again-and I’m not dead! But God damn it, I might as well be! Because all you are still treating me like I am! With that God damn memorial you refuse to take down, that damn plaque, and-!
”-And…looking at me! Like I need to be fixed, like I’m some broken thing-!“
Nightwing had gone pale, his face twisted, his stance one of complete and utter defeat, his mask broken. A guilt ridden man.
Jason didn’t care.
"This isn’t about Alfred. This is about your own guilt that you can’t get rid of. This is about refusing to let go of the past and trying to drag me back there with you. All of you just won’t let it go and you won’t talk about it, either. I feel like I’m suffocating.”
“I might as well still be in that coffin, 6-feet underground, still suffocating-god I wish I had never come back!” Jason was ranting now, he knew that, but he just couldn’t stop.
Dick made a choked sound, his eyes watering-and Jason might have felt bad if what he had said wasn’t the absolute truth. “Don’t say that, Jason!” His voice was desperate, pleading, as if Jason had taken a knife and had plunged straight into his heart, twisting it all the while. Maybe he had. Maybe Jason just didn’t care anymore. Or maybe Jason just wanted someone else to feel the pain of being unwanted, of not being enough, of not being loved as he was. Why couldn’t anyone love him? All of him? What was so wrong with Jason that made him so unlovable?
“Please! Don’t ever say that! Jason, please!” Dick staggered towards him, the man now-not the vigilante, absolutely devastated at the words and revelations Jason had laid at his feet.
“Take that back! Please, take it back.”
But Jason didn’t. He didn’t feel like it. In fact, he didn’t feel much of anything anymore.
He continued on instead, his voice sounding distant and numb, Jason felt distant and numb, “I don’t know why I came back. It’s pretty clear to me that none of you want me back. I should have just stayed dead. It would have made it easier on everyone.”
Jason’s confession seemed to be the final blow and with the last word uttered, Dick crumbled to a heap in front of Jason, his eyes begging for Jason to stop, tears that were held back now flowing freely as he mouthed silent apologies, his voice having abandoned him.
Jason did nothing, not feeling anything. He wondered distantly if he should, but no regret or guilt sprang forward, nor did pleasure or satisfaction, in fact. Instead, the numb feeling that Jason had felt earlier just continued to spread. Jason felt nothing, not even the anger that had so consumed him for such a long time. He wondered why he had hidden behind his anger when this numbness wasn’t so bad after all. Jason found that it was easier to just simply not care then it was to care at all. In fact, it was almost freeing.
Something had broken in Jason the moment he had uttered those words. Jason didn’t know what or whether or not it was a bad or good thing, but he found he simply didn’t care. Why bother anymore?
“I know that The Bat and his cauldron are listening in on this conversation”, Jason said as he eyed the earpiece in Nightwing’s ear. “Just so there are no misunderstandings I will now clearly state that the Bat and his cauldron-anyone associated with Batman-are no longer welcomed in Crime Alley.” He frowned, “If you think there’s some information or a case that needs my attention, leave it with one of my men, they will see that it gets to me.”
He turned his attention back to Nightwing. “As soon as you can stand on your feet you may see yourself out of my alley.” He turned his back on the vigilante, “I will only say this nicely once, next time I’ll shoot and ask questions later. Now unless you have business with me-anything actually important to say, you may leave.” Say that you love me-that you want me, only me, not the 'me’ that you remember. With that he resumed cleaning.
The next time Jason turned around, Nightwing was gone, almost like he had never been there to begin with. Jason found that he couldn’t quite bring himself to care. It was nothing new.
What Jason did care about was whether or not the man with those beautiful green eyes, the color he still dreamed about, would love him as the man he had become. Or would he too abandon him for happier memories? For a version of himself that no longer existed? Would he too prefer the boy he had once been over the man he now was?
Could the man learn to love him again? Or was Jason completely hopeless when it came to love?
Jason hoped he could. Because Jason found that those swirling green eyes were the only things he cared about anymore.
Jason didn’t have anything left to care about anymore. Didn’t have it in him to care anymore. Just the green-eyed man in his dreams was left. Jason really hoped that man could love him back. Because Jason was tired of loving people who didn’t love him back.
Then again, Jason was tired in general.
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Tableau Dates: Complete Introduction -Date Part vs Date Value, Discrete vs Continuous, common charts
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