It’s only 5 slaps…

Her Alternative

miss-strict Dec 20, 2020

“Are you ready for your weekly disciplining?

"Or do you want it twice as hard tomorrow?”

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My stepmum was an experienced negotiator and with me she often gave me a clear choice of ‘this or something worse’.

“Over my knee or should we take this upstairs? (or even 'downstairs’!)’

'Behave till we get home or do I spank you right here?’

'Cooperate and hold still or give you some practice doing so?’

(btw she would say 'twice as hard’ but she meant 'even harder and twice as long’)

Feel how good a cool breeze can feel under a short dress!

auto caption said “where do you get the werewolf all?” instead of where do you get the wherewithal. I’m going to be fighting that urge forever

Shoe Store

“Yes, there is something I’d like to see, a leather sandal and your naked bum over my my lap.”

Pre-date night idea:

You take an Uber to my place and mercilessly tease the driver the entire way: flirty eye contact and banter, opening your legs so he can see right up your skirt, ‘inadvertently’ undoing one button then another on your blouse so more and more cleavage is on display….then I shove you against the wall as soon as you walk in to do an inspection and see how wet it made you.

twirls a strand of my silver-ombre hair around my perfectly manicured finger while staring at my reflection in the floor-to-ceiling windows like it’s literally the only thing worth looking at right now

Ughhh, oh em gee, you actually came? Like… seriously? I posted that “exclusive viewing” thingy on my close friends story—like, literally only for people who matter—and somehow your thirsty ass made it through? That’s actually kinda tragic but also lowkey hilarious. Like, congrats on the participation trophy, babe.

snaps a quick mirror selfie, pouty lips and peace sign, caption already mentally typed: “another day another loser begging for crumbs 💅”

Okay listen, listen, listen, because I’m only saying this once and my attention span is literally shorter than my skirt right now. I don’t do broke energy. I don’t do “I have student loans” energy. My therapist says I need to “practice patience” but honestly she can choke on her green juice. I’m only explaining this once before I get distracted by my own glow again.

You want a crumb? Like a literal speck of my attention? The kind where I maybe heart-react to one of your stories or—wildest dream—send you “hey cutie 😉” at 2 a.m. after too many skinny margaritas? Then you’re gonna have to get on your knees and humiliate yourself properly, babe. None of this half-assed “I tried but couldn’t” nonsense. Full send or go home to your mommy’s basement.

Here’s the petty little checklist, written extra slow so your tiny brain can keep up:

1. That disgusting RGB gaming tower that looks like a traffic light threw up on it? Post it on OfferUp RIGHT NOW with the caption “selling my entire personality to impress a 10/10 queen 💔 pray for me”. Send me the link + screenshot of the first like. I wanna see randos clowning you in the comments. Bonus points if someone calls you a simp. I’ll probably screenshot that and send it to the group chat.

2. Your whole sad collection of plastic anime boys and those crusty Pokémon cards you still keep in sleeves like they’re gonna fund your retirement? Yard-sale that trash. Film a TikTok of you dramatically dumping them into a cardboard box while lip-syncing to “I’m just a girl” or whatever the sad-boy song of the month is. Tag me. I might not watch it but knowing you cried while filming it is enough serotonin for me.

3. Those sneakers you’ve never worn because “they’re collectors items”? List every single pair. Price them stupid low so they sell in five minutes. Then Venmo me the money as “a gift for being iconic”. If it’s less than $400 I’m blocking you on sight. Call it tax for breathing near me.

4. The crypto? Oh honey, the crypto. Sell every last sad little coin. Bitcoin, Ethereum, whatever shitcoin you YOLO’d your summer job money into. Cash out, screenshot the “0.00” balance, and caption it “all for you queen 🧎‍♂️”. Send it. If I’m feeling extra evil I’ll reply “who dis?” even though I literally just watched you do it.

And here’s the juiciest part, the part that makes me giggle into my pillow at night: even if you do EVERYTHING perfectly… I might still ghost. Like, full-on read-receipts-off, airplane-mode, “new phone who dis” energy. Maybe I’ll drop “424-555-” and then not finish the rest. Maybe I’ll send the full number and then two seconds later change it because some trust-fund hunky stud with a yacht just liked my selfie. Oopsie daisies! Life comes at you fast when you’re serving looks and zero mercy.

You’re gonna do it anyway though. I can already picture you sitting in your dark room, empty shelves staring back at you, refreshing my profile like it owes you money. Meanwhile I’m getting my lashes done, sipping a matcha latte that costs more than your entire wardrobe, and telling my bestie “this one guy just sold his whole life for me lol tragic”.

So go on, little loser. Start posting. Make it messy. Make it embarrassing. Make me laugh.

I’ll be over here shining. You’ll be over there… not.

Byeeeeeee loser era loading 💅✨😈

this is me