this morning, on the way to work
the wind blew into my eyes
felt so nice, it did remind
me of what it felt like to cry
had been such a while,
water in my eyes
it was always yours
— barely ever mine
oh what a crime
to truly try
foregoing a life
spent half-alive.
— brooklyn o'fahey, “half-alive”
Legitimate question–
Why does no one separate attachment from how you think? I’m an extremely anxious person, and it affects everything about my life. My attachment style is no where close to anxious, however! I have an avoidant attachment style characterized by anxiety!!! I don’t have anxious attachment though!
So bear with me this post might be kind of all over the place but I need to see if potentially I make sense, if somebody specifically other young women feel the same.
So I’m freshly 22 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship i recently started “dating” casually I recently had my first kiss with tongue lol. And more I think about it more I think falling in love with a man scares the shit out of me and I’m wondering is love worth it ?
I just feel like having never been in a relationship the “experience” I have of it is everything around me, my sister’s relationships , my friend’s and I guess what I see online and in songs. I talk about songs because well this going to sound naive and probably dumb but I was listening to this song called “History of Man” which I feel encapsulates so much of what I always thought when I look at relationships around me. I feel like everything sounds so exhausting. The way my friends feel like they have to beg to have their man listen to them, the casual misogyny that seems to seep through every interactions. The way relationships seem to be beautiful and full of life and reciprocity til the man gets bored and acts like their girlfriends are inconveniences. I don’t understand it. And I know that it probably isn’t like that in every relationships but it feels like it is an experience that it common and accepted. That just makes me feel like ugh what is the point you know. I make sure to always have a foot out of the door when I talk to a guy what would I open my heart to anyone being in a relationship sounds suffocating it actually makes me feel claustrophobic. Like the person in front of me is trying go trick me? I talked about it to some colleagues who are older and they said I have some spiritual lock in me that I need to unlock. I thought I might be a little avoidant maybe, part of me is like oh falling in love must be nice I mean I know platonic love is great, relationships, connections are beautiful and make life worth it. I know they can be imperfect too, you can be hurt in them too but like the hurt in a relationship could be bigger ? I know I’m not like aromantic I know I could fall in love but opening my heart feels so scary and reckless. Maybe that’s the appeal ? I feel like closing myself so much I could be missing out, I want to love, know others and be known and all that stuff but at the same time it feels so scary and slightly disgusting to me? I don’t know does any woman understand and got over it ? Does it make sense ?
I have the impulse to show them my broken pieces too soon, giving them the medicine before the blow, to see if they’re someone who can deal with it.
i need tips from people with an idgaf mentality. how do you do it. as someone who cries over every little thing and can’t let go of the past. HOW
Is it you or is it me, is it you or is it me.
Let the suppression wrap itself around my neck and become its own kind of noose, that way its closer to my skin than you.
The familiarity of this restraint doesn’t test you but it becomes my truth.
A young child lashes at its mothers leg. “Mommy, mommy, don’t you love me too?”
“My darling, you are my favorite child to abuse.”
Hate how ppl romanticise avoidant attachment style as if its not smth SUPER hard to work through!!!! 🫣🫣
“𝓁ℯ𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑔ℴ“
𝒾𝓉’𝓈 ℴ𝓋ℯ𝓇．
𝓃ℴ𝓌 𝒾 𝒽𝒶𝓋ℯ 𝓉ℴ 𝓇ℯ𝓂ℯ𝓂𝒷ℯ𝓇 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓁ℴ𝓃𝑔ℯ𝓇
𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃 𝒾’𝓋ℯ 𝓀𝓃ℴ𝓌𝓃 𝓎ℴ𝓊．
𝒾𝓉 𝒽𝓊𝓇𝓉𝓈 𝓈ℴ 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓃ℴ𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎ℴ𝓊’𝓇ℯ 𝑔ℴ𝓃ℯ．
𝒾’𝓂 𝓅𝓇𝓆𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉ℴ 𝑔ℴ𝒹 𝓉ℴ 𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓃𝑔ℯ 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓌𝒶𝓎 𝒾 𝒶𝓂．
𝒾 𝒹ℴ𝓃’𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉ℴ 𝒷ℯ𝑔 𝓅ℯℴ𝓅𝓁ℯ 𝓉ℴ 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓎 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝓂ℴ𝓇ℯ．
𝒾 𝒹ℴ𝓃’𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉ℴ 𝓈𝒾𝓉 ℴ𝓃 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝒷𝒶𝓉𝒽𝓇ℴℴ𝓂 𝒻𝓁ℴℴ𝓇 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃．
𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓉𝒾𝓁ℯ𝓈 𝓌ℯ𝓇ℯ 𝓈ℴ 𝒸ℴ𝓁𝒹，𝓂𝓎 𝒷ℴ𝒹𝓎 𝒻𝓇ℴ𝓏ℯ．
𝒾 𝒻ℯ𝓁𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝓁ℴℴ𝒹 𝓁ℯ𝒶𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝓎 𝒷ℴ𝒹𝓎．
𝑔ℴ𝒹 𝓉𝓇𝒾ℯ𝒹 𝓉ℴ 𝓀ℯℯ𝓅 𝓂ℯ 𝒶𝓁𝒾𝓋ℯ，
𝓌𝒽𝒾𝓁ℯ 𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝒾 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉ℯ𝒹 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝓉ℴ 𝒹𝒾ℯ．
𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝒽ℯ𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝓀ℯ𝓅𝓉 𝒷ℯ𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔．
𝒾𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝒷ℯ𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓈ℴ 𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉．
𝓉𝒽ℴ𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈 𝓇𝓊𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝓇ℴ𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓂𝓎 𝒽ℯ𝒶𝒹．
𝓁𝓊𝓃𝑔𝓈 𝓉𝓇𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉ℴ 𝒷𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓉𝒽ℯ．
𝒽𝒶𝓃𝒹𝓈 𝓈𝒽𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓁𝒾𝓀ℯ 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓎 𝓃ℯ𝓋ℯ𝓇 𝒹𝒾𝒹．
𝒾’𝓂 𝓃ℯ𝓋ℯ𝓇 𝒷ℯ𝑔𝑔𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓃𝓎ℴ𝓃ℯ 𝓉ℴ 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓎 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝓂ℴ𝓇ℯ．
𝒾’𝓂 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝒾𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓊𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓁 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓎 𝓁ℯ𝒶𝓋ℯ．
𝒾’𝓂 𝓌𝒶𝒾𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓊𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓁 𝒾𝓉’𝓈 ℴ𝓋ℯ𝓇．
𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓃ℴ𝓌，𝒾𝓉’𝓈 ℴ𝓋ℯ𝓇．
－𝒷𝓎 𝓂𝒾𝓉𝓉ℯ𝓇𝓃𝒶𝒸𝒽𝓉𝓈𝓌0𝓇𝓉ℯ
Curly haired guy who ghosted me a month ago texted me??!?!!! We are so back!!!!🗣️‼️🔥🔥
I don’t expect anyone to ever read these, especially since I’m sure they will get long and rambly, but I was looking up the best journaling apps online and people kept mentioning tumblr, then I remembered this account and figured, why not. I’ve always enjoyed venting and writing out my most pressing thoughts on here.
So I recently have become close to somebody again for the first time in years, and so far I am starting to learn and admit more about myself than I ever have in my life.
I’m not sure if it’s them or getting older that is making me have so many revelations in a short period of time. I’m thinking it’s a mix of both. On one hand, I am getting older and I can feel myself maturing and not wanting to repeat the same mistakes. On the other hand, meeting this person has made me realize I want to be the best version of myself I can be for them, but I want it to be for me also. I mainly want it to be for me so it can be a permanent change and be who I’m becoming. But I am not there quite yet.
For starters, I’ve never felt this way in all my life about someone. I have never observed somebody so closely, worried constantly about doing the wrong thing to lose them. They haven’t done anything to make me fear that that will happen, I just usually accept that people come and go. But I really, really don’t want this person to go. I’ve never felt this strongly about someone before. Also, I’m not used to someone who doesn’t, in a sense, let me “take them down with me”.
I’m used to getting away with a lot more, or letting things about me go unnoticed. But that isn’t the case here. They notice even the slightest change in my tone. And they won’t let it go til they know I’m okay. I’m used to someone coddling me or letting me walk all over them to get what I want. Not that I ever intended to walk all over people like that, but I’m realizing people in the past would do a lot more than I ever realized to please me. I appreciate having someone that won’t let me slide on that bullshit.
So, the parts of me I’m starting to learn about is stemming from two areas in my life right now. This person I’ve met and going to therapy that is specifically for dealing with PTSD.
I learned about 5 years ago in therapy that I struggle hugely with avoidance. I avoid anything that might remind me of my trauma. I avoid anything that might traumatize me or cause me any kind of pain. I avoid the things that bring me joy because then I’ve got something more to lose. I didn’t realize how that effected every aspect of my life until recently. I’ve been confused about certain parts of me but I am starting to gain more of an understanding.
It all started with this person I’ve met, they were displaying behaviors that were new and confusing to me. So I started googling and I began to find out about “avoidant attachment”. People can be pretty black and white when it comes to this term, but I think it’s much more complex and on a spectrum then people are making it out to be. I feel like trauma is trauma, and if there is one thing I understand, it’s trauma.
Someone’s trauma response might not make sense to me, but if they’re doing it because trauma has led them to a certain belief system, or the trauma makes them feel in danger, then that I can understand. Even if their actions aren’t something I would do.
People online tend to say that avoidant people all follow the same pattern, that they are all the same, that it’s not an “if”, its a “when” situation with them. I just think it has to be much more complex than that. Not every person with avoidant tendencies is going to follow the same patterns/rules.
I’ve spent hours and hours reading people’s stories and experiences with avoidant behaviors, whether they themselves were the avoidant person or they were involved with one. I feel like I can conclude that there are a lot of different experiences amongst everybody. Reading all of this began to terrify me. At first, it was because so many people say an avoidant will turn on you and there is no point in even trying with them. Run now, while you still can. I was very heartbroken because I care so much about this person I’ve met, and I didn’t want this to be the case with them. So I kept reading about avoidant people, the spectrum of them, avoidant people in different situations in life.
Now I’m terrified for a different reason. Reading through attachment styles, I was instantly like “well, I’m anxious attachment, easily.” but after reading all these stories/experiences of others, I’ve realized I fall more into the anxious avoidant category, and I have been for so much longer than I’ve realized. And I’ve hurt so many people being this way without even realizing it. And it makes a lot of sense because like I mentioned earlier, my PTSD has made me extremely avoidant. So avoidant that I didn’t even know how many areas of my life I’ve been doing this in.
I haven’t been able to make anything more than surface level friends/relationships for over a decade. I keep people at a huge distance. I felt as though I was a good friend because I can get along with people, joke and laugh, listen to them if they need it, be there for them, but I can’t let them get close to me. I can’t vent to them, I can’t ask them for help or to be there for me. Hell, I can’t even ask first if they want to hang out or make plans because I’m so scared of the rejection. And if I did, or felt I could do any of these things, I’d usually stop talking to them. Ghosting them even. Convincing myself that I was better off and they probably just wanted something from me.
I was even in a relationship for a couple years that felt so easy and safe and I thought this is great, this is how it should be! But then I realized it was so easy and safe because we weren’t close. I feel like I lived with him for two years and I couldn’t tell you much about him, because I didn’t want to know, and I didn’t want him to know about me. I just didn’t want to be alone. But that relationship was one of the loneliest times in my life.
Being this way is so lonely in general. I want so badly to have true friends, true love. But I just can’t see that for myself. I feel like I have no idea how to make friends anymore, and even when I start to make one, my anxiety skyrockets and I convince myself that I can’t be around them anymore. Even just telling myself petty little reasons why I don’t like them. I used to think I was just picky but now I’m realizing I was making up reasons to protect myself from getting close to people. I’ll even self sabotage my own life then cut them off or hugely distance myself from them, telling myself they’re better off without me. I can’t be around people when I’m depressed and/or my life isn’t going well, because I’m afraid they won’t like me anymore or they will view me differently. Or they won’t understand.
I have no idea how to break this cycle. I am just learning myself that I struggle with avoidant tendencies. I kept telling this person I’ve met that I will never lie to them or hurt them, or leave them. They can trust me. They kept telling me how do I know that? And I really thought about it, cause how do I know that? And I realized I don’t. I was just saying what I thought they needed to hear, what I thought they wanted to hear so they would never leave me. I thought deeply about it and knew I couldn’t even promise those things. I pull away from people so quickly and seamlessly. I don’t even realize the ghosting and betrayal I cause because when I do it, now I feel safe. So that must have been the right thing to do…right? Nope. Wrong.
Just because something feels right doesn’t mean it is.
Me: *talking about my issues with relationships and feelings*
My friends: “You don’t have to be in a relationship! You can just be happy on your own! :)”
Me, with my fearful avoidant ass: “Thank you uwu”
I replied to the text but now they have the power to abandon me and I have lost all control over the situation so now I have to die
There’s hell and then there’s dismissive avoidants :)
Nothing will kill the love for and faith in people inside you more than loving a dismissive avoidant. These fuckers realize they need space after love bombing you and making you fall for them. It’s a strange kind of love they talk about, one where they would rather leave after breaking you instead of doing the work to heal. No amount of empathy, kindness and patience can make them willing. It’s so confusing because those three are conducive to healing. And healing would’ve allowed them to lead a life without suffering. Don’t ever love one unless they are working on themselves. Don’t do it. Not only will they trigger every core wound you have healed, they will completely obliterate your ability to love and trust another person again. The worst thing they do to you isn’t leaving you, it is how they take away your softness and ability to love forever
