& Just Like That… She’s Back Home
I’m in my room, sitting on what used to be my sister’s bed, back in Montreal. The late afternoon sun is peaking through the window — but given that it’s mid-November, I guess it’s technically dusk. It’s the last glimmer of sunshine before nightfall; sunset is at 3:30pm here, or something like that. The show “& Just Like That”, the Sex & the City sequel, is playing in the background (hence the inspiration for the very relevant title of this blog post). I was trying to work away at a Social Media Audit I volunteered to do — mostly to prove my capability and secure a potential client — but I couldn’t seem to stay focused.
All I could really muster up in my mind was: “How did we get here?”
Let’s rewind just a little bit.
Now that I’ve said that, I don’t even know where to start. I’ve had so much to say, so much on my mind — yet so little bandwidth to fathom putting it all on paper in one fell swoop. I guess my brain has decided it can’t hold the weight of it anymore.
Nearly to the day — 10 years later — I picked up everything I had, the life I’d built, sold it all, packed my car, and drove across the country. Eerily similar to the start of my journey when I was 24 years old. It’s no surprise that I hardly hesitated. Risk-taking and going all-in don’t seem to make me flinch too much — even though they probably should?
I had a plan then, and I had a plan now. It was all going to be just fine! Right?
Yet I’m always surprised when the plan doesn’t go, well… according to plan.
I had driven that drive three other times previously. It was hardly uncharted territory. Even now, three months in, I still can’t fully tell you what’s been the most destabilizing about this whole thing. Is it how quickly everything unraveled? Was it the two-week time span between getting laid off in July, my three-year on-again-off-again relationship ending, and making the official decision that I was never going to work for anyone else again — all while the offer that shifted everything came in what felt like the same breath?
The universe wasted no time with this one. I made real decisions for me, and then I was presented with what felt like the only real viable option for my soul. Nothing was really keeping me in Vancouver anymore. It felt like I’d come, experienced everything I needed to experience, and felt everything I needed to feel. So when every obstacle seemingly vanished, the offer to move to Mexico wasn’t one I felt I could logically say “no” to.
The only real question I could focus on — no matter the amount of fear coming up — was:
“Why the hell not?”
Fear sure as hell wasn’t going to be the reason I didn’t at least try. I’d rather live with failure than regret. Or so I told myself at the time.
Or maybe it was the radical shift in what I’d come to know as “home,” “stability,” “success.”
Am I more rattled by how fast I could dismantle the last ten years of my life… or by how I managed to blow up my entire life only to be left with the task of rebuilding it again with no real direction in sight?
I’m finding myself wading between what some consider extreme bravery and what others consider extreme stupidity. Again. I guess the truth depends on the day… or what angle you’re looking at it from.
The plan was simple: pack, leave, come home for a month or so, and then head to Mexico by early September. Some hiccups with logistics and due diligence came into play — but I wasn’t pressed. I wanted to take my time, make sure we were set up for success. Part of that success included me regulating my nervous system. Finding a steady place to call home in the meantime.
But the plan wasn’t panning out the way I’d imagined — even early on.
I’d also like to go on record: before all this, I had already been questioning whether leaving Vancouver and coming back to Montreal was something I should entertain more seriously. Let’s be clear — I didn’t absentmindedly make these decisions. I carefully weighed the alternative.
What I didn’t overly account for… was the possibility of this entire thing not panning out at all.
That, to me, wasn’t an option.
To Be Continued…
xx