Bro forgor
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[LEOCAM] Behind the Scenes of the Final Performance of the Musical ‘Sugar’ 🎥 | @LEO 정택운 Official
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quarter century
I stumble over questions in the shape of a biblically accurate angel, a mass of eyes and wings circulating outwards, reaching for you, wanting you to be not afraid. My questions also want me to be not afraid, thyre a mass of fingers pointing in every direction, orbiting, changing its mind, double backing and doubling down. These questions do not know of answers, they only know of absence, of what i am missing. I know what i am missing, but i do not yet know the shape of this hole. I know the shapes my body and soul make around it, the pine forest surrounding a flooded quarry, thic with logs and bodies, the outer spoon slowing orbiting further and further away, the sweat between a face and a back. I am scared of feeling claustrophobic. I am scared of being boxed in so i become an astronaut, boundary of only skin between guts and vacuum, floating alone and removed, watching destruction from a distance. While in reality i am not an astronaut, i am the atoms of space between skin touching skin, i am the mucus membrane that communicates emotion and feeling as electrical currents. I replay words unsaid and i being to pulsate, a slime mold, reaching for the oatmeal.
This year is about self worth. I am twenty five now. I have never felt so unreal in saying an age that i am as i feel when i say i am twenty five. It doesnt feel like a real age to say that one is. It would be cliche and untrue to say i never saw myself making it this far. I just never considered it.
twenty five is a 2nd house profection year. The second house: Money resources values self-worth consumption possession addiction choices control. The second house is the sign on the earths horizon two hours after you are born. So when you are born it is under the earth. Moving into the second house is a descent, Turning twenty five is walking through the gates of hell. These steps, away from the horizon of your birth, descend into the wealth of dirt, into the pressure and heat that compresses minerals into gemstones. Its the house of gain and the house of loss it is a house of dirt and worms squiggling around and making a home for themselves. Because the 2h is underground, as are the 3rd 4th and 5th houses, what must be taught must be taught through the earth. The chemical substrate of the body. The energies and beings of the stars and the cosmos must travel through the earthly plain, into the underworld, into the rich land of hades, death and birth. But being twenty five isnt about death. No, we went through that when you were 23, and we’ll go through that again when youre 31, and again when youre 35. 2h is about choices. Choices come in many forms. Theres the series of choices that addiction feels like. Theres the increase in important and stupid choices money brings. There are choices and lack of choices regarding consumption, possession, values, resoruces. There are choices that lead to action coming from all of that.
Choice plays into control. 2nd house brings up the feeling owned by the means you employ to be free. Chained by the bolt cutters type of control. It brings up things that when we have it, we feel in control, but we lose that control when we do not have it. That kind of possession, material reality, objectification, consumerism, addiction.
I hate feeling controlled, but also, when I do not have control i feel unsafe. When i do not have control i feel liable to any survival mechanism that yells loud enough, what ever choices is brightest. I feel out of control when i do not understand something within myself. I feel out of control when i am surprised, when plans change, expectations shift, disappointment, volatility. I stamp my cloven hooves on the sharp rock outcropping, over the ocean. I stamp and i scream when i cannot control the pounding of the waves below me, when i cannot predict the beat they follow. I feel hopelessly strewn about in the sea spray, fully aware but unaccepting that noone can control the ocean. It will swallow us whole when it wants, we can stamp and scream all we want but it is not up to us. I need to let my fish tail teach me to find comfort and safety in the open expanses of below the horizon, letting the currents move me, finding stillness within them, under the crash of waves.
When i’m under control, being controlled, i feel like a wild stallion whos forced to pull prince andrew’s carriage, the leather harnesses rub my hair away and chafe my skin, i bit down on the metal bit so hard i chip my teeth, shards of blood on steel. Fire horse, meant to be free, to run wild on the streets of revolution, to pursue audacious liberatory reality. What are the colors of the flowers that bloom from the ashes of empire? I keep dreaming of leading resistance to ice, to fight facism in my homeland, but sometimes the dreams end in gas chambers.
2h is also about resources. Its whats on you, with you, or generated by you. The resources that keep you alive and functioning and a revealing of the abilities required to generate these things. Its your talent, tools, and labor. Your physical effort, your offerings, your skills. Its not career or passion or gifts from others, its about your own production, control, ownership, that can turn into survival, sustainability, eventually wealth, in whatever form. Its the harvest from your gut. Its owning the means of production.
I am a cancer rising, so my 2h house is ruled by leo, the king, the sun. so personally, being twenty five is illuminating detangling and retiring the knots between self worth and production, letting my values shine through the spotlight. Radiating difference and creation. Leo is bold and courageous, it feels more grounded than its fellow fires of aries and sagittarius. Leo is a bit more calculated, leo is an actor while aries is a match and sagittarius is a hearth. Leo is cunning, can be ruthless, it is sure of what it wants and sure that it will get it. Sometimes control is about throwing a tantrum. Leo builds upon the vulnerability and integration cancer seeks by expressing what previously operated only in the depths. But how do you operate on what was previously only in the depths when youre still in the deppths? How can a spotlight shine through the first layers of dirt, the 50 kilometres of earths crust? A gold tinted radio show perhaps. A pseudo anonymous soul emptying in the controlled environmental vulnerability of a booth and a microphone screen and a transmitter.
Try to be defined by what you have instead of what do you not have yet; when you fear being a burden, try to remember people like being needed.
I keep finding oysters.
Us humans are always so close to destruction. I find motivation and validation through creation. Worth through creation. Worth through productivity. Creation of physical affirmations, proof set in stone flesh that doesnt heal; productivity of drilling into walls the crumble beyond me; water the plants the drip on my bed i clean it up i wash the sheets i start a new story i turn another page unpack another box set another trap till i hit the final wall and have to take a bath again. I eat a mango in said bath. Its empty rind floats like a boat. I sit under a willow tree on the frozen river. Its budding branches touch my face in the cold breeze. I look at the sun through my eyelids, blood vessels create dances of magenta and orange. I watch them. The tears come as soon as i build the space for them. They dry on my face and the world becomes kinder. But in the next morning they come again, harsher, sharper, unforgiving. I put my face in another snowbank, trying the freeze the flight out of me, icicles for eyelashes. There are always more than two choices.
I find more oysters. Oysters that arrive at my feet and apparate into my hands. They are closed tight, but i do not understand why they are closed so tight, i am used to them being open, and arriving when i ask for them. This mass of living rock getting karmically shoved into my aura is not new but it is certainly not remembered. I keep trying to open the oyster, but that jist makes them close tighter. I try and i try and i try and end up cutting my hands on their sharp shells, hurting my muscles and tendons and still more come. More come and i cannot open them and i dont know what else to do with them other than try to open them. So i end up sitting on the ground with piles of unopened osyetrs around me that will start to rot and stink and it will all become putrid around me, which will then make me putrid and i will forever then be putrid because you end up with all these oysters and you will never again live a life free from stinking piles of rotting shellfish.
Maybe i am trying to open them to find a pearl. Cause sometimes they do have a pearl. A rock that sequesters toxins from its steam and compacts all the minerals into a perfectly iridescent sphere that humans use their resources and control to possess one more living rock made sphere, to display on their clavicle, a demonstration of wealth and ownership and use. But in my oysters i find knowledge in their pearls. I try to open them to understand why they are here, but in the exasperation of failure i only face mounting walls of more oysters. Im so hungry i want to eat them to slice them from their homes and tip their gelatinous opalescent bodies into mine, the umami of understanding. Of cathartic release. But its not happening, i am twenty five and i am left with so many uneatened oysters.
If the world is my oyster then why am i so afraid of it? Sometimes it is scary to have so many choices to make. It is liberating but it is astounding. I fear the ending that some choices bring you too. I fear the continuance that other choices bring. I feel the avoidance, i feel the mounting xs drawn on maps, i feel the mourning, i feel the flash bangs in my brain chemistry, i feel the balancing act i am always pulling off. Overly sensitive and overly rash. A fish squeward teeth to fins, roasting over an open fire. Scales burn and curl, i extract myself. For better and for worse.
In the end its all fog and fear. It is all human flesh and inhuman machine. Plastic and wires and fragile lines of code. Conspiracy and truth mixes like guinness and cider, in the cold glass of power. We step onto the cusp of rebirth. A new world order, same old planets. The ram is awakening, are we still too stuck in the rotting tar sludge to meet it?
Your sense of worth gets stripped to the roots. Not in punishment, in purification. The external scaffolding you’ve leaned on, money, possessions, praise, begins to wobble, not because you’re losing, but because your soul is asking: what remains when the performance ends? This year teaches you how to hold value the way the Earth holds water: quietly, unshakably, beneath the surface. You become your own source. You learn to eat from your own garden. To own what no one can take. Not status. Not salary. But presence. Breath. Trust. This is the year you stop renting your worth from the world
.Lyric chop
Flesh covered head to toe
I waste my time just a little bit
I have so much on my mind
I dont want to talk about it
Whats it gonna take to open up this time
If the skies are falling down
When im done crying my eyes out
Shut it down, keep a distance
I am hidden behind
I wake up every day near the ocean
Whats it gonna take to open up tonight
Youve changed youve stayed the same
I thin im caving it
Would you believe it
Stay up all night and try to chase me
Im Running from something i dont knooowww
I am shrapnel i am anxious resistance
Tonight i throw myself into
Try not to drown, but its pulling my limbs in
I always change my mind
Slow, how you wanted it to be
You look better when i dont look back
No matter what i do no matter what i say
Youre gonna think the things you think about me anyway
Once again, i cant imagine
How to fix this all
Its twisted around the trees
Sometimes you gotta make it for yourself
Sometimes, sugar, it takes someone else
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I just realised I never did an intro post so..
HAIII I’m Leo, I am an alt account of @starlieleo337 I go by he/him, but they/ve/vim is also fine
I will stan for all Leos till the end of time, I control every character called Leo anyone who is a leo, so if you have any questions abt Leos then just ask!
I love meeting Leos and finding new Leos to add to the Leo system, right now we have every “main” version of tmnt Leonardo Hamato (except for Bay Movies and Last Ronin) plus Leo Valdez <3
I need officalverse lore pls may some1 be at lore w/me idk
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has anyone taught leo how to shoot? maybe not. does she still have an incredible amount of faith in her ability to at the very least mortally wound you? yes of course.
