Once again being escorted out of the grocery store by SCP agents, just for doing my part to increase the supply of locally sourced eggs.

Alien reboot: it’s a romcom featuring a slow burn romance between Ripley & the Alien. Who, after seeing how disrespected she is by her clearly less competent crew, starts to take her side.

ALT

No reason, buddy. Good luck out there today!

Me: Get it? Because it’s Pi Day! And Pi is an irrational number. What better way to celebrate?

Him: [dead eyed stare] I still think trapping me in The Backrooms was not a necessary follow up after telling me to “have an irrational day” today.

Double Friday the 13th!! Ok, if you successfully initiated The Ritual last month on Friday the 13th then representatives from an Eldritch Dimension will be reaching out to you by midnight!

They said to “do it scared” so I started fucking monsters, and it’s fun, but I still don’t see how this is supposed to help me make a phone call.

I really have to hand it to the vampire lovers. Vampire romance is mainstream now.

They almost never even show up in horror anymore. The vampire lovers won. Loving vampires is completely normalized in society.

We did it, team!! And we’re halfway there with werewolves. Then it’s time for tentacle beasts.

Stop! In the name of love! I mean it! I have been authorized to use force if you do not comply!!

Me: [in a Saw trap] Oh, you’re gonna make me do some body horror [breathing heavily] maybe a little emotional [whimpering needily] torture

Jigsaw: I can’t figure out how the hell you keep finding me, but you are really ruining this for me.

This one actually made me stop and think, because like…would Jigsaw count for monsterfucker purposes? Because on the one hand, that’s kind of just a guy, but on the other hand, I guess you could also argue that Michael Myers is just a guy too, and he’d pretty clearly qualify…

I dunno, I’m kinda just bored at work and I’ve got less than an hour before I go home, so…I guess I’m just ruminating on things I find interesting.

He’s conditional in my opinion. Like, in his element, while he’s wearing the mask, he’s basically, materially, the same level of monster as pyramid head is in terms of appearance and relative danger. But if you just ran into him as Some Guy on the street, then no he wouldn’t.

Me: [in a Saw trap] Oh, you’re gonna make me do some body horror [breathing heavily] maybe a little emotional [whimpering needily] torture

Jigsaw: I can’t figure out how the hell you keep finding me, but you are really ruining this for me.

The stages of Being a Furry:

1. Ew, gross!! Furries get the wall. I could never be a furry. They are so cringe!!!
2. Ok furries are weird but we shouldn’t bully them. But they’re so weird, right??
3. Anthropomorphic cats are pretty cool
4. … I might be a furry
5. Someone please tell me I’m a Good Kitty immediately
6. Meow meow meow meow meow meow

After numerous reports of mysterious piles of bones appearing around town, authorities are now urging citizens to throw a rock or something into any alleged interdimensional portals that may appear in front of you, just to make sure that they are not mimics who have learned to imitate the temptations of modern life.

Succubus Vampire who gets you all hot and bothered before sucking the blood directly out of your junk. Literally. Like, with the fangs.

Last night my partner compared me to Van Hellsing because and I quote:

“You’re like a badass cryptid hunter, except you’re hunting them see if they’re DTF”

You know, in case anyone needed to be reminded that love is real this morning 🥰

Me: Hell hath no furry like a Woman Scorpion

Him: I think you mean hell hath no fury like a woman sc—AAGHHG [getting mauled by my protective Demon ScorpionGirl Girlfriend]

Me: I did not, no.

Him: So when you said I was so cute you could just “eat me up” you were being literal?

Me: [gnawing on him with my stomach mouth] obviously, why would you assume otherwise??

I do not observe easter in a religious way, but I do celebrate it in an monster lover way.

It’s a holiday about eggs and the undead. And that just really speaks to me for some reason.

All easter eggs have already been fertilized. You’re eating the Easter Bunny’s offspring.

No, I’m kidding!

I had you there for a minute though! But in reality only some of the easter eggs have been fertilized. And it’s very easy to tell the difference!

If you crack open an easter egg and there’s just candy inside, that one is unfertilized. The candy is actually just the nutrient stores designed to support the growing bunny in a fertilized egg.

If however, if you open it and find a toy, then that egg has been fertilized, and was probably about to hatch on its own before you killed it.

That bunny had already eaten the candy and was growing into its larval phase when you halted the miracle of life with your greedy hands. Don’t too feel bad. They are an invasive species.

Advent-style Easter egg hunt that starts 24 days before Easter. Each day you have just one egg to find, and every subsequent day the egg gets bigger. And on Easter you have to hunt for one massive egg, which does contain a xenomorph.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable 😘 [10,000 new eyes flutter open all over my body, the pupils appear to have teeth]

not sure tumblr knows what’s “for me” anymore tbh

Tumblr, I see what you’ve done for others and I want that for me

I know nearly nothing about Star Trek, but my immediate assumption is because he’s reptilian and has two dicks. Star Trek was way ahead of its time. I could believe they covered hemipenes

You’re not far off. Klingons aren’t reptilian, but it has been established that they have redundant organs (extra ribs, two livers, three lungs, etc.) which the fandom took to it’s natural extension, being that they’re double hung, so to speak.

I don’t know whether I prefer the idea of them being over-under or side-by-side, now that I think about it.

Thank you. I love that double dicks was actually the joke. I thought it was going to turn out to be about size or something. This is fantastic.

I know nearly nothing about Star Trek, but my immediate assumption is because he’s reptilian and has two dicks. Star Trek was way ahead of its time. I could believe they covered hemipenes

Oh Fae Cupid!

Are you a disillusioned mortal desperately yearning for some magic in your life? Do you long for the chance to explore the mysterious?

Are you a non risk averse go getter who’s not afraid to embark into the unknown? If that’s you, and you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it.

Oh Fae Cupid!

Get matched with a Charismatic Stranger today!

Oh Fae Cupid! is not responsible for anything that happens to you. By using Oh Fae Cupid! you are agreeing to the possibility of loss of life & limb, or fates worse than death.

It looks like your body cavity is the right temperature to incubate eggs… haha jk. Unless…

Your tissues look like a nutritious source of calories for hatchlings. I’m just saying…

Deep in a dungeon proper

Swords clash but no one can stop her

You think she’s a chest

Get close to inspect

The mimic strikes & you can’t dodge her

Me: You know, when we first met, you were the one chasing me! But now, here I am, chasing you. So please, before you get mired down by ego or instinct, really think about if you’re gonna regret what you’re missing out on here.

Backrooms Monster: How the fuck do you keep getting back in here?!

Once again detained by the SCP foundation for trying to peg the Scarlet King.

And, trust me, he was into it. Haters will say he was just manipulating me so I’d facilitate his manifestation into our world, allowing him to destroy our universe, but that’s underestimating how much my strap would Fix Him.

What are my hobbies? Oh, you know.

All the normal human stuff.

• Nutrient absorption
• Mild ligand induced disorientation
• Inner ear bone oscillations
• Playing pretend
• Vocal chord oscillations
• Creature observation
• Recreational muscle damage
• Intentional unconsciousness

Hidden out among the stars

There exists a world of cars

There’s endless debates

About how they procreate

And if their world was once ours