No post on Tumblr in a while. IG has been my go to but I felt I had to vent a bit. I recently got new pants in an attempt to get out of my comfort zone/ try something new. I am always wearing black leggings. Although I have lost this weight I still don’t want to stick out and display the part of my body I am most uncomfortable with. Now while I felt okayish wearing them I asked hubby’s opinion and didn’t get the exact response that I was hoping for. My husband is the sweetest person I know and speaks of me favorably but this time it wasn’t enough. My insecurities and body dysmorphia got the best of me.
I recognize now that this is stupid. I directed my self hate and discomfort towards him and that was wrong. It’s just hard not to see the old me, not to feel the years of ridicule and back handed comments. My inner voice is not kind. As far as I have come physically, the mental aspect hasn’t followed along. I feed on the opinions of others because I don’t feed myself with love. It was an eye opener for sure. A new challenge I must work on. As much as I post affirmations and quotes, it seems I haven’t learned much from them or taken them to heart.
Btw if you’ve actually read this whole post, I’m not asking for sympathy or to boost me up. I just wanted to show that in what seems to be a victory there is still struggle. Social media doesn’t always show the whole story. I plan on beginning the practice of self-affirmations and meditating on positivity more until my mind sees what my eyes do not.