Earlier this year I decided to go back to school. But it isn’t really “going back” for someone living their life for someone else (unhealthy). This is my first time choosing a path for me because I want to. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time - something I’ve given a lot of thought to as opposed to choosing the thing that would shut up the pressure-builders (ie my parents).
Yesterday, I went in for the registry process, and the admin fast-tracked my application, getting it processed in minutes rather than hours. The momentum continues, and I feel like I’ll actually be attending this January. It’s not just logic, but a deep-seated sense of, “This is really happening for me, so quickly, and it feels so good!”
Being brave isn’t easy. But every act of courage on my part has led me into more authenticity. Doing things because they’re making my dreams come true has a much better, significantly different feeling than choosing what others approved of. And now… I’ve been met with exponential growth and development since consciously choosing my own path, even when the decisions prick a latent trigger. I don’t balk and avoid anymore; I sit with the feeling, learn where it comes from, and remind myself, “What I want was met with disapproval enough for me to fear my own desires, so this fear is just muscle-memory fight-or-flight.”
My dreams are worth challenging my fears and anxieties. My desires are worth the struggle with latent triggers and dormant traumas. I’ve pieced myself together with gold (compassion) to become a tea set (whole self) that serves prim(al) oolong [c***] the way I’d always wanted to.
