So Please, Hurry, Leave Me, I Can’t Breathe
Words: 8984
Warnings: feelings of insecurities/not feeling good enough, talk of alcohol/alcohol consumption, lowkey mention of mommy issues at the VERY end, maybe ooc characters and probably bad writing
Resident Evil Masterlist
Main Masterlist
This also was originally written for my OC Tiffany (Whose info on her/original story will eventually be available/might already be on this account @imnotobsessedwfictionalchracters )
This is a rewrite of You’re About To Lose The Best Damn Thing You’ve Ever Had and thus is in the same universe as Don’t Let Me Go, how long do i have left with my dog?, and So Leave a Light on, I’m Coming Home as all of those were originally written for my OC as well (Don’t Let Me Go will be rewritten soon as well)
How would you guys feel if I actually made this a real series and transferred all of my OC fanfics into x-reader for you all because I am in the process of editing all of them to be better written (I wrote most of these from the ages of 16-18 and I am now 20 and can write better)
Anyways, in case you have read any of the other stories, Leon and reader have an age gap of eight years (Leon is 31 while reader is 23 here), have been partners for four years, have been secretly dating for around two years
Reader has two siblings and in-laws who are named (obvi you can change name if you wish, I don’t mind)
Reader is implied to be tall (the same height as Leon so around 5'10 or 5'11…tall girls never get represented in fanfics and I hate it) and have asthma
Please let me know if I didn’t take away any descriptive words!
Leon might be OOC (as I suck at not being able to keep them from being OOC)
Story title is from the song First Love / Late Spring by Mitski
Anywho, enjoy
Love Z <3
[[MORE]]The thud of Y/N landing on her back echoed through the empty training room. She breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath after Leon had flipped her around and onto her back. The two had been sparing, trying to catch the other off-guard and she had thought she had the upper hand when he had suddenly moved one of her legs, flipping her in the air before she landed with a hard thud. Now she just laid there, motionless, trying to breathe, trying not to black out. She heard him laugh slightly before she saw his body standing above her. She stared at him, not sure if she wanted to take his hands that were outreached. But before she was even able to decide to take it or not, she felt Leon’s calloused hands wrap around hers and pull her up quickly.
She wasn’t sure if it was because she still hadn’t caught her breath or because of how quickly he pulled her up, but her vision blackened, leading to her stumbling forward into Leon, hands steadying herself. She groaned slightly, closing her eyes, and breathed heavily, trying to level herself again. When she finally got her breathing back under control and didn’t feel like she would fall if she opened her eyes. When she opened her eyes, she saw he had a concerned look on his face. She gave him a soft smile and kissed him softly.
It was late, most people had already left for the day and there was no one in the training room with them so there was no fear of someone seeing them. She felt his arms wrap around her, slowly deepening the kiss. She smiled against his lips as she realized that he was distracted. She used it and pretended like she was simply bending her knees before she swept her leg under him, causing him to fall backwards.
Unfortunately, his arms were tight enough around her that she fell with him, her chest hitting against his. She moved her legs to straddle him and put her hands on either side of his face, pushing herself up. She smirked down at him before leaning and kissing him again. She felt one of his hands move to play with her hair while the other moved up and down her backside. Even though it was late, they both took precautions to make sure that they don’t get caught, especially after it nearly happened a few months ago. They were in a back corner, there was some equipment near them, concealing them now that they were on the ground. Just in case.
Of course, she didn’t care much if they were seen as it was just simple kissing. Well…mostly just simple kissing. But even with Leon caressing her, she knew how to lie and make it seem like something else was happening. She was a master at it. Of course, she wasn’t sure how much she could lie about as Leon grabbed at her inner thigh, his lips having to swallow the moan that came from her mouth. She mentally cursed herself as she usually was better at keeping herself quiet in situations like this.
Which was weird, really, them starting to make out in the training room was weird. They both had been getting more bold lately. Sneaking glances and touches around others. Made comments that they usually wouldn’t when around other people. She wondered if maybe they were doing it on purpose. Trying to get caught and see what would happen. She didn’t know and she was too scared to ask.
She wasn’t sure how long it took for his top to be abandoned and for him to start to unzip her sports bra, but it was all stopped by the sound of the door to the training room slamming shut. Both of them froze and she was sure he was holding her breath as she was. She knew his eyes were looking over in the direction of where the door was. They stared as the room remained silent, no sounds of someone moving around. It was then that she suddenly realized how reckless this was. How reckless it was for them to make out in the public training room. Suddenly realized that he was laying with her shirt off and her bra was half-unzipped, her own boobs threatening to fall out. Realizing that there was a possibility that they weren’t out of reach of the cameras.
She looked at him finally after several too silent moments. His eyes were darting around trying to see what he could see from his spot. She could see the fear etching onto his face, forming lines that only formed when he was scared or nervous. Other people wouldn’t have noticed it, but she did. She always did. She could always read his face, usually better than he could.
So that was why she was gentle as she put her pointer finger on the side of his chin, moving his head to look at her. She gave him a soft smile, trying to help him to calm down before kissing his temple, moving her thumb over his cheek. She had learned years ago, sometimes after they got back from Spain that a soft kiss to the temple and a thumb to his cheek helped calm him down. She couldn’t even remember what was happening and how she realized it worked. She just remembered doing it by accident , sort of on instinct, and it worked. She moved her hand from his cheek to his hair, gently running it through the short strands.
“You okay?” Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper, not loud enough to be heard by anyone except for Leon.
He nodded, taking the hand away from his hair and ran his thumb over the top of it. “Yeah, I don’t think anyone is in here.” His voice was the same level as hers, just above a whisper, but unless someone was really trying, they wouldn’t hear them. A talent that they both had learned from the job. But even in his softness, she heard the waver in his voice.
She bit the inside of her cheek, a nervous habit that Leon always got onto her for. “So did we imagine it or…”
He sighed, “I don’t know.” He gently tapped her thighs, which she knew was a sign for her to move. As she did, she zipped up her sports bra and he moved to grab his shirt from where one of them had tossed it. “But I think it was a good thing. I don’t want to get too carried away in here.”
She raised an eyebrow at him, a playful smirk on her lip, thinking of all of the places that they had risked having sex recently. “So in your car in the parking garage is okay but the training room isn’t? Or the showers are fine? That supply closet on the third floor?”
He shrugged and she noticed him repressing the small smile that started to form. “A little more secluded. Not as out in the open as it is in here.”
She rolled her eyes and stood. “I agree…except for the showers. The only coverage we had was the thin ass curtain.” She sighed and moved to twist her back, trying to pop it. “So are we done for the day? Am I allowed to go home?”
“I didn’t force you to do this.” She heard the tease in his voice, “You willingly agreed.”
She shrugged as she grabbed her jacket that had been tossed to the side almost two hours ago when they had started. “Because, yesterday you promised me food if I agreed. Something I still haven’t gotten, mind you.”
He laughed as he stood, both sure no one else was there, “Well I’m sorry sweetheart, would you like to go get some now?”
She crossed her arms, back facing him, “Hmm, I dunno. You already lied once, how do I know you won’t lie again.”
He grabbed her waist and pulled her into him before leaning his head down to the crook of her neck. “When have I ever lied to you?”
She leaned into his grasp, “A few weeks ago when you said that you weren’t injured and you actually had gotten shot. When you said that we wouldn’t have to deal with Ada again anytime soon but then had to two months later. When you said that I usually get the Holidays off,” She turned around in his grasp and wrapped her own arms around his neck, “I’ve been here since 2004 and never once have I had Christmas off. That’s four years Lee.”
“In my defense, the first time I saw Ada since Raccoon City was in Spain, I dunno why she keeps showing up now. And up until I met you, I had Christmas off. So if it’s anyone’s fault as to why we always have to go on missions during Christmas, it’s yours Y/N/N.”
“It’s not just my fault we’re an unstoppable team.” She mused, “Well, at least we still have it off this year.”
“That’s right now, we still have three days. Anything can change.”
She groaned and leaned back some, “Please Lee, don’t make me sad at that possibility. I really want to be able to celebrate this year. Claire agreed to come over if we have it off. She even said she convinced Chris to take off so he could be there!”
“Chris? Redfield? Took time off? I had no idea he even knew what it was.”
She laughed as she moved from his grasp and linked her arm in his and started walking towards the door. “Apparently, according to Claire, he does.”
He kissed the top of her head before unlinking their arms as he opened the door and she tried to ignore the small pang that hit her. She knew why he did it, but it didn’t mean she had to like it. Doesn’t mean she ever had to like the fact that everything about their relationship was basically this whole secret that they had to keep. Well, keep a secret to everyone they worked for. Even though she was sure Ingrid knew. She had to. She had to deal with the two of them on missions and had called them in when the other was in the bed (kitchen, on the couch, etc.) with the other. She gave them suspicious looks all the time when they showed up together or extremely soon after the other. There was no way she didn’t know. And there was no way that other people didn’t suspect that they were together.
Even she knew that, especially recently, they both had made it obvious.
She looked at him, “Meet me back out here when you’re ready?”
He nodded and they both went into their own locker rooms. She rubbed her eyes as she walked through to her locker that was at the end of the second row. She twisted the combination, opening her locker, and grabbed her duffle bag out, setting it on the bench next to her. No one was around so she just changed in the open, not really that it would be too different from how she was on a normal day with people around. And besides, even though her body was coated in her sweat, she didn’t feel like washing off just yet. Deciding she would rather break out and deal with it later than stand in the water.
She changed quickly, though, not wanting to waste that much time caring about how she looked. It was late and she just wanted to leave and head to either hers or Leon’s apartment and eat whatever takeout that they were gonna get. She threw her clothes into her bag haphazardly, shoving them in so she could zip it and leave.
She let out an almost annoyed breath as she swung the bag over her shoulder and grabbed her work bag out of the locker as well, closing and relocking it. She walked out of the locker room and saw Leon standing in the hall, hands in his pockets and his head down. She gave him a smile as she walked towards him, “Hey, ready?”
He looked up at her and for a moment she could have sworn he looked scared. “Yeah, totally.”
She tried to take his hand, to lock their pinkies, something that they had done for years now, but he gently pushed it away. She tried her best to hide the hurt, but she knew that if he looked at her and actually paid attention, he would have seen the look that showed on her face.
The walk to the parking garage was silent. It was a walk that wasn’t usually silent, even when they were both exhausted after a mission. They both would say things, even if it was things that made no sense, they both always would talk to one another. The only time that they stayed silent was when they fought. When they were mad at one another and she was sure that neither of them were mad and they hadn’t fought. So she didn’t know why they would be silent, but since Leon wasn’t saying anything and she could tell from his body language that he wasn’t going to say anything. She bit the inside of her cheek, irritating the skin that had been cut at again and again throughout the years. A habit she had from nerves.
She did start wondering if perhaps someone did walk in and see the two of them. That one of their male coworkers saw something and said something to Leon in the locker room. She wouldn’t know about it unless he told her. But she wondered if he would tell her. She always had a habit of over-thinking and over worrying over everything. She wondered if maybe he knew and wasn’t going to tell her to keep her from worrying, but she was afraid that if he did know and didn’t tell her that it would make her worry more. The thoughts continued to swirl through her mind as they got closer to their cars.
As they got closer, she grabbed the keys and pressed the remote to unlock her car so she could get into it quicker. She opened the door to her back driver’s side door and tossed her bags in before looking over at Leon, who’s car was still a few more down. “So my place or yours?”
He scratched the back of his neck, “I dunno if I’m up to it now…I’m sort of beat. Figured we could get some food and then head to our own places afterwards.”
“Oh.” She felt the nerves rise and her entire body start to feel defeated when those words left his mouth. “Well, we can wait then. Get it tomorrow or another day. I don’t mind.”
“Are you sure?” He gave her a concerned look before speaking playfully and smiling. “You won’t wring my neck for it?”
She gave him a smile that she prayed hid the disappointment that was spreading through her body. “No, I don’t mind at all. If you’re tired then I don’t want to keep you out longer than your body wants to.” She nervously fiddled with her fingers and tried to have a playful edge to her voice, “Work does that enough.”
His playful smile turned small and she could tell that he was grateful for it. “I’ll make it up to you. Promise.”
She nodded and leaned in to give him a soft kiss on the cheek, something she always did before they left, something that could be seen as platonic, but he pulled away. She made sure that the disappointment that she felt wasn’t shown as she pulled away from him. She cleared her voice as she closed the back door of her car and grabbed the handle of the driver’s door behind her and gave him an awkward smile, “Let me know when you make it back to your apartment, okay?” She tried to show him that she cared, just in case he was having doubts, “Snow is pretty bad out there and I don’t want you to not make it home safe.” She opened her door and started to get in, “Don’t want to lose my partner just yet.”
He smiled softly, “I’ll say the same to you.”
She slipped into her car, “I’ll see you in the morning, try not to drive yourself insane with the lack of me beforehand.”
He snorted as his hand came around to get ready to shut her door, “Whatever you say, dork.”
She opened her mouth to give him a sarcastic retort, but before she could even could, he was shutting her door. She bit her lip slightly, picking at some of the dry skin she had as she watched him walk towards his car. She ran a hand over her face, trying to convince herself she was just going crazy as she turned on her car. Convince herself that he really was just tired and that nothing suddenly switched while they were getting changed.
She carefully pulled out of the parking space, as she continued to over-think what happened. She wondered if maybe someone did see them and say something to him. Wondered if maybe he was going to try and push her away because someone saw and was threatening to say something. She didn’t like to think like that. She didn’t want to think that Leon would even be like that. Push her away to get her to break up with him. She was sure that if someone saw something and said it to him, that he would tell her. He knew how she was. Knew how much she over-thought things. She didn’t want to think that something had happened. She wanted to think that he could have just suddenly gotten tired and wasn’t in the mood to do something, but the little voice in her head never let her do that. Never let her believe that things were just as they were.
But she still tried to rid her brain of those thoughts, she knew Leon. Or at least she thought that she did. Thought that he wasn’t the kind of guy to purposefully do things that would cause her anxiety. She trusted him, of course she did, but she had always been cautious of their relationship. They weren’t even supposed to be together. They were partners and partners weren’t supposed to be together. Colleagues weren’t as bad, but partners were a big no-no. So of course she had been cautious of their relationship because she didn’t want to lose her job or her healthcare. But it wasn’t just their job that made her cautious. It was the people, the women he had known throughout the years. He was a flirt, even though he was dog-shit at it. She had never really been insecure of his flirting, she knew it would lead nowhere. She had never really been insecure of the only two women he had had “something” with. Well, he had something with Claire…Ada was just something he couldn’t explain but she knew he didn’t have any real feelings for her. But, there was still this feeling she would get with them, especially when Ada was around. Maybe that was because Leon said that she never showed up until 2004 and now she just shows up every once and a while. But both women had a sort of connection with Leon. They all had been in Raccoon City, all experienced it. But even with Ada, Leon didn’t talk about her, about the control she had over him (a control he didn’t really like admitting).
But all that never really caused an insecurity in Y/N. Jealousy? Yeah, probably. But it definitely wasn’t insecurity. Unless the jealousy was an insecurity over the fact that if maybe Leon dated one of them he wouldn’t have to hide it. But that would be the case for any other woman he could be with. She ran a hand over her face as she sat in the garage of her apartment complex. She wasn’t sure how her mind went onto that list of thoughts. She never really understood how she went from point a to point b in her brain.
But, as she stood in the elevator to head up to her apartment, she knew one thing: if she had to choose between breaking up with him or losing him as a partner, she’d take the breakup. She’d rather not be with him as a lover than not be with him as a partner.
But that feeling of something was going on kept gnawing at her. Even as she entered her apartment. As she took a shower. And as she laid down to sleep. Something just kept nagging at her that there was something more going on that she didn’t know.
Something that Leon wasn’t gonna let on to her.
——–
December 24th-December 25th of 2008
A few days had passed since the night in the training room. Y/N had barely seen Leon, barely had a chance to talk to him, but there was still something tense between them the small amount of time that they had been around each other. Even now as she sat with him, her back against his chest as they sat against Claire’s old couch. His arms were around her waist, keeping her close to him, her head occasionally would lean back, hitting his shoulder, when she would laugh. His lips would occasionally ghost her neck, as if he thought about kissing it before stopping because he realized that they were around people. Although, Chris and Claire both knew that she and Leon were together. Claire had figured out that there was something between them back in 2005, and that was before they were even actually together. Back then they had just been sleeping with each other, no labels. Then Chris found out because apparently Claire accidentally told him. Sometimes Y/N thought that was why she even decided to be his friend in the first place since he already knew about her and Leon, what else did he have to know?
But the two of them had arrived in separate cars. Y/N in her 2005 Mercury and Leon in his 2006 Jeep. She knew, and she was sure Leon knew, that Claire and Chris thought was weird. She had seen the face that they both gave each other when she arrived alone, without Leon. Typically they arrived together at Claire’s, usually in the same car. It never really had mattered what they had been doing before, usually one of them met the other at their apartment and then they would arrive at Claire’s together.
But not this time.
No. Leon had told her he had some “important shopping” to do that she couldn’t go with him so they arrived separately. She had mentioned to him that she could wait for him at her apartment and he could pick her, but he still had just pushed her off, telling her to go when she was ready to. So she had. She had left when she had originally planned to when Claire told her about it and gotten there nearly an entire hour before Leon. And when he had arrived, he only gave her a small smile and wave, she couldn’t even remember all of the small events that happened that led them to this situation. To her leaning on him with his arms around her.
She was sure it was because of everything that she had been mentally feeling the past few days but she felt like there was just something extremely off. As he held her, he still felt miles away. She felt as though there was a tiny string holding them together, a tiny piece of rubber that was getting ready to snap under the pressure of the two of them. And she was sure that this was because of everything else that she had been feeling and the fact that she could take it out of her system, but she couldn’t help to feel like there was something that Leon wasn’t telling her. But there were always things that Leon wasn’t telling her. He was always keeping things from her. He rarely told her what was going on, if she was going to be honest. She couldn’t even explain the reason for why she still had it. It still was just something she…just simply had.
And she hated it.
She hated this feeling of…inferiority. Was it inferiority? She didn’t know, but it always made her feel so small. Made her feel a way that she always hated. This feeling of being smaller than everything else. That everything and one else was better than her. It hadn’t happened in a few years, not since right after she joined, but that didn’t help her. She had thought that she had gotten over her stupid feelings like this years ago after those moments.
But here she was nearly four and a half years later, still feeling this way and internally hating herself over it. Still feeling this way because of the man she was with.
“Y/N? You alright? It looked like we were losing you for a moment.”
Her head snapped over to where she heard Chris’s voice and gave a sheepish look. “Sorry. Just thinking about something.” She felt Leon tighten his arms around her for a moment, his silent way of asking if it was anything important. Something he always did when they were like this. Something that caused a few of those worries to go away. She waved a dismissive hand, “Nothing important though. Just silly stuff like how it’s crazy that Lee and I got today off. We usually have to work on Christmas and I hate it.”
“Yeah, she was complaining about it a few days ago.” She felt it as Leon chuckled, “That and questioning how the hell Claire got Chris to take time off.”
Chris rolled his eyes, “It’s not like I never take time off.”
“But you quite literally don’t, Chris. You’ve had to be forced to take time off since before you were even in the BSAA.” Claire laughed, “Back when you were in Racoon City, whenever I would be around, Jill would complain to me about how she had to put up with you never taking off. Questioned how I put up with it for so many years.”
He rolled his eyes, but she noticed the slight edge of sadness in his voice. “You and Jill always were over the top with these things.”
“Chris, I’ve known you long enough now to know you don’t take time off. You’re worse than me.”
Y/Nscoffed at Leon’s comment, “Not defending Chris here, but Leon, it’s not that you don’t take time off. They just don’t let you because there’s always some ‘possibly world-ending’ thing happening. I’m still surprised I was able to get the time off for Joe’s wedding two years ago and Tara’s next September.”
“I bet that since we got today off, you won’t get your sister’s wedding off.”
She tilted her head back to give Leon an odd look. “Don’t you mean ‘we’?”
“Huh?”
“You said ‘you’ insinuating just me. We both have off for my sister’s wedding. Of course you lied and said it was an old friend, but still, you got it off.” She tried to keep her voice calm, “You’re still my plus one for the wedding, right?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry. Guess I forgot for a moment there.”
Y/N nodded and looked back at the Redfield siblings, not saying a thing, even though they both gave her a look. All that she mentioned was that the two of them were able to get off for the wedding. She couldn’t understand why he just said that she got off and then said that he ‘forgot’? How could he have forgotten about it? He never forgot those things. Hell, just a week ago he had asked her if her sister had finally come up with what guests could wear (which she hadn’t). She started to wonder if there were other things he would forget and those fears just got worse again. Her heart tightened from fear and she felt like she would throw up.
But after that, she stayed silent the rest of the night, except for a few, small words of agreement or laughing when it was appropriate or she needed to so no one would get suspicious. So that no one would notice that she was beginning to overthink everything. Of course, she knew that Claire was already suspicious by the way she kept looking at her, but Y/N chose to ignore it. Just like she always did when she knew someone was able to read her feelings. And as it slowly crept towards midnight, and the snow became more heavy outside, she feigned yawns. Ever since Leon’s comment, she had wanted to leave. So when it hit 12:05, she stood up, already having removed herself from Leon’s arms.
“I think I’m gonna go on and head out and I don’t want the road conditions to get any worse. I’ll see y’all later.” She leaned down to hug Claire and Chris, “Thanks for the presents you two. And thanks for inviting me, Claire.” She really was thankful that Claire always included her. She never had to. Of course, Y/N was always scared that Claire and Chris (even though she was pretty sure that she was friends with him first) were only her friends because she was with Leon, but she would never let that be known.
They both shot her smiles while Claire spoke, “Of course, you’re always welcome to these things. Be safe, alright? Let me know when you get to your apartment.”
She smiled, “Will do, Claire.” She turned back to Leon and leaned down to kiss his cheek, thankful that he didn’t turn away from her. “I’ll see you on Friday, okay? Promise me you’ll get back to your place safely, alright?”
He nodded, “I will and drive safe.”
She nodded and wanted to say “I love you” but kept herself from saying it as she walked towards the door, grabbing her keys and jacket from where she left them. Her brain started overcompensating again and she tried to keep calm as she walked to her car. Leon never did that. Even when they were just friends. He never just let her go out to her car herself. He always walked her to her car. Always claiming that ‘you never know what could happen’ and she always pretended it annoyed her, but secretly she loved it because she knew it was his way of making sure she was alright, telling her goodbye, without other people there. She slipped into her car, her feelings all around the place and jumbled up. She didn’t get why this was happening. Why it felt like it was he was trying to pull away from her every chance that he got.
She couldn’t understand why it was starting to feel like she was the only one who cared about this relationship.
——–
December 31st of 2008-January 1st of 2009
She had planned it back after Halloween. Planned that Chris, Claire, Joe, Jess, Tara, Mason, and Leon could spend New Years together at her apartment. Tara and Mason had to miss out as they had already promised Mason’s parents they’d be with them, but everyone else had agreed. Leon still hadn’t backed out, although she had been terrified that he would back out or that something would come up. She hated having to explain his technically unexplained absence to Joe and Jess; they didn’t understand Y/Nand Leon’s job, understand that they could be called away at a moment’s notice. She was scared she’d have to say something with work, or worse, lie about it because he didn’t tell her. He just didn’t show.
But he did show. He had even helped her get her apartment ready for everyone to be there, pick up drinks and the finger foods she was making from the store. Gave her time to panic and make sure her apartment was clean. But even with that, he barely spoke to her, making her wish that he hadn’t shown since not speaking while being there felt worse than if he wasn’t.
It was close to midnight as she stood in the bathroom that was connected to her bedroom. It was the only place she could really get any privacy to catch her breath. Her lungs felt as though they were tightening whenever she heard everyone else talking and laughing, every time she heard him talk and laugh with someone besides her. Seem happier with everyone besides her. Everything that had happened, or really hadn’t happened the past week made her head spin, causing her unable to focus. Causing her lungs to tighten and her vision to blur. Causing this panic attack that was going to leave her clawing for her inhaler. She tried to convince herself to calm down. Remind herself that if she stayed in here long enough, someone would come looking for her. She didn’t want that. Didn’t want someone to see the mess she was becoming. Of course, she thought that if someone had to come in, that it would be Leon. She knew it was crazy at this point. He was having too much fun out in her living room, talking with their friends and her family, completely oblivious that he had created this mess she was unable to pull herself out of.
She held her head low, staring into her sink instead of her mirror. Her eyes stared at her hands, white knuckled as she gripped the sink. This was ridiculous. She knew it was. Knew that this entire situation she put herself in was ridiculous. She had no damn reason to be so bent out of shape of the fact that Leon was obviously pulling away. She knew that it was bound to happen eventually. It’s what happened in most of her relationships. Either she or the guy got bored and they’d break up, her occasionally getting cheated on. But she always gets bent out of shape and freaks out over every little thing.
But the fact was, this was Leon. This was someone who didn’t bore her and she thought that she didn’t bore him. She had moved and folded her entire life around him. She knew it was stupid, and she had always resented girls who make sure their life revolves around their man, but she had. And maybe it was because she still had her independence. But even with that, the idea of not being with him, of losing him, like her thoughts told her she eventually would, broke something inside of her. And she wasn’t even sure when these feelings had emerged.
She wondered if this had happened when she fell in love.
She ran a hand and pulled slightly at her hair as she tried not to scream. She didn’t understand why this was happening. Why she was having what felt like one of her insane episodes where she can’t think clearly. She usually only got like this after missions, but they hadn’t really had one in months, not one that would have caused her to be like this. She should be able to keep her emotions under control, shouldn’t have to hide out from everyone in her bathroom just because she was on the edge of tears in her living room. Because she felt like everyone could see past her mask. God, she felt so fucking pathetic, maybe it was because she was. This entire situation was so–
She jumped and looked around as she heard something crash to the ground. Her eyes scanned the floor and her breath was shaky when she saw the glass that had held her (and Leon’s) toothbrush and a few other things. She leaned down, trying to grab the contents from the floor and avoid the broken pieces of class on the floor. But as she grabbed his toothbrush, she hadn’t noticed the glass under it and sliced her finger. She let out a string of curses as she felt the sting from the cut and saw the blood start to come. It wasn’t that bad, she knew she wouldn’t need stitches. She stuck her finger in her mouth to try and control the bleeding, keep it from falling on the ground as she did her best to grab everything and either put it in the sink counter or in the trash. As she tossed some of the larger pieces in the trash, she heard a knock at the closed bathroom door, leaving her to jump again.
She cursed to herself as she realized someone had to have heard the glass breaking and decided to come check. But she froze as she heard Leon’s laugh and then his voice, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare ya.” She looked over at him as her hand that didn’t have the bleeding finger came to rest over her heart as she attempted to calm herself down. She felt as he placed a soft hand on her shoulder, making her jolt slightly again. She could have sworn she had shut the door. “Hey, you okay?”
She silently nodded, trying to keep her heart and breathing steady as she stood. She removed the finger from her mouth and ran water over it. “Yeah, sorry. I think I’m just tired. We’ve never gone this long without a mission so my body doesn’t know how to act without having to be on edge all the time.”
She glanced up at the mirror, seeing him crack a small smile through the reflection. “I get it, sometimes I think it’s the only reason I get why people do drugs.” But the smile faded as he looked at her more, the face changing to one of what she thought might be genuine concern. “But are you sure that there’s nothing else? You seem as freaked as you do after a mission goes badly or one that freaked you out.”
She turned her sink off and nodded, turning to him, semi-forcing herself to smile. “Yeah, Lee, I’m fine. I promise.”
She assumed he believed her as he took the hand with the still slightly bleeding finger into his hand, looking at it carefully. “Looks superficial. Let me grab some band-aids from behind you and fix this.”
She shook her head. “Oh, no, it’s fine. Just a small cut that’s barely even bleeding. No need to waste anything on it.”
He shook his head as he opened the cabinet hidden behind her mirror, grabbing what he needed out from it. “Still don’t want it to get infected, Y/N/N.” He grabbed a cloth and began to carefully clean it off, doing more than just running water over it like she had. There was a semi-comfortable silence between them as he cleaned and bandaged up her finger. Something she wasn’t used to happening the past week. When he was done, he laid a soft kiss on the cut before looking at her, “Now, are you sure that you’re alright?”
She ignored his question and looked away from his concerned eyes. She instead glanced down at the small watch that laid on her left wrist. A watch that he had bought her for her birthday two years ago. A watch that he refused to tell her the price of but she knew was expensive, it was a Bulova. “Hey, it’s 11:59, we should get back in there.”
“Are you sure? It seemed like you had left for a reason.” He placed a soft hand on her cheek and moved her face to look at him. “Y/N/N?”
Yeah. She had left for a reason. He was the reason. But she couldn’t tell him that. Not with everyone out there. Not with the possibility that anyone could walk in when trying to find them. She also didn’t want him to think that she couldn’t live without him, he had to think she could…even though she was sure it wasn’t a lie.
She forced a smile, “Yeah, I’m perfectly fine. Just needed to get away for a moment. You know how I am.” She felt proud of that lie. She was sure that everyone inside her apartment knew that about her. Knew that sometimes she had to disappear for a few minutes because everything would just feel so overwhelming. Especially when she was the host of a party. A side effect of whatever mental illness she had had since she was a child.
She stared at him as he studied her face. She knew he was trying to find any indication that she was lying. And she wasn’t sure if he did or not. But if he had, he didn’t mention it to her because he said nothing and gave her no indication of suspicion as they heard the muffled sounds of their friends starting to count down.
The two of them stayed where they were as the numbers went down from ten. They stood in her bathroom, her waist hitting the edge of her sink as he stood in front of her. This was the closest she had been to him physically since Christmas, closest she felt to him since before that in the training room. One of his hands was still resting on her cheek, its thumb gently caressing her cheek, as the other was holding her bandaged hand. Almost unconsciously, she moved to brush some of his hair out of his face and as their friends counted to one, she leaned in to place a kiss on his lips. Scared that he would reject her. But she felt his chapped lips on hers as she heard the fireworks go off outside and their friends celebrating inside.
She had made it a quick kiss, not wanting to overstep a boundary she had thought was there until she felt his other hand grab her face and pull it back in. She gasped slightly and with the small time her mouth was open, he used it to slip his tongue in. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she felt the edge of her sink stabbing into her thighs and he pushed against her. She felt his lips leave hers but not long after she felt them on her neck, he placed small kisses on it before muttering out: “Is this a new top?” Between kisses. She wasn’t sure if she trusted herself to speak so she just hummed. It was a new shirt, she had gotten it a day ago at Ross. She heard him chuckle, “That a yes, baby?”
She nodded, whispering a small “Yeah,” with such little trust in her voice.
“I like it. You should wear it more, it looks professional enough to wear to the office” He carefully moved her arms up so he could pull the shirt off of her. “Same with the perfume, it’s the one I got back when you dragged me to Victoria Secrets, right?” She gave him another hum as a response, unable to say anything as she was scared that she wouldn’t say an intelligent thing or that something would slip out that she didn’t want other people in her place to hear. His mouth always had her go dumb, always made her brain go foggy, no matter what he did. Especially since he was wearing that same cologne she had bought him when he got her the perfume.
She let out a breathy sigh as she felt his lips on her body and somehow those thoughts and feelings before just drifted away. Deep down, she knew it couldn’t last forever, this fleeting feeling would be gone and she would go back to how she was feeling. She looked down at him as she heard him undo her belt, watching as he unbuttoned her pants. But the reminder that people were in her apartment came too soon (or maybe at the perfect time) as she heard a gasp as he pulled down the zipper. Her eyes quickly darted to where she saw her sister-in-law in her doorway, hand over her mouth.
“Shit, I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N. I should’ve known what you two were doing when you didn’t respond. Fuck, I’m sorry. Um, Joe and I are heading out. I don’t wanna overwork my sister too much by watching the kids after she had a long week. But we had fun. I’ll see you later.”
She watched as Jess left her room and her head fell on Leon’s shoulder. She felt so fucking embarrassed and humiliated by that. She had been able to stay hidden for so long and then someone came to find her, just to see her making out with her boyfriend. It was so fucking embarrassing.
She felt Leon’s chest move as he laughed, “At least we were just making out and not actually having sex.”
She groaned and buried her head in his neck, “I did not just say that out loud, did I?”
She felt him kiss the top of her head, “It’s okay, best we were caught when we were for less embarrassment anyways. Only got far enough to undo your pants.” And remove my shirt she thought as he pulled away. She watched as he grabbed her shirt from the floor, handing it to her. After she slipped it on, he kissed her lips softly again. “You know I love you and that everything I do is because of that, right?”
She gave him her first real and genuine smile of the night and looked into his blue eyes, “Yeah, ‘course I do.” She thought that she did at least. She was trying to convince herself of it.
He kissed her softly again, “Good.”
——
Y/N stared at the clock that sat next to her bed. The red numbers showed it was past three. She knew she had to be the only one up. Claire had to be asleep on the bed in her guest room while she knew Chris was out on the couch. She felt Leon’s arms tightly wrapped around her waist, wearing one of the millions of sleeping shirts he had left at her place and a pair of sweatpants that covered his legs that were entangled in her own. He had essentially put her into his own locker that was his body. It wasn’t the best situation as she couldn’t sleep and with how tightly he held her, she couldn’t get up to walk around her room to tire herself.
Although, she wasn’t sure if the pacing would work. Something still felt off, felt wrong. Her body was literally fighting sleep like it did when something was wrong. But she didn’t think it was her. She felt like it was Leon. Something felt off with him. She wasn’t sure what it was and she knew it was likely that she wouldn’t find out, but she still felt it. She didn’t understand his actions. Understand why he pushed her away just to pull her back in tonight.
She just couldn’t understand why this was happening and it terrified her that she was going to get hurt.
——–
January 3rd of 2009
Y/N stood in front of Leon, staring at him in disbelief. She didn’t understand what was happening. She thought that whatever had happened between the 21st and New Years was gone. That they were going to do better and be better and that everything was going to be okay. She thought that whatever the problem was had been resolved. Thought whatever his internal issue was was gone. Thought that when he pulled her aside, saying he needed to talk to her after work, would be about what he had dealt with and why he pulled away. Thought it would be him opening up and them working on his problem.
But no. Here they were, standing in her living room as he broke her heart. The one person who she never thought would do it. The person who she had foolishly thought was the one.
But for some reason, she couldn’t find herself to cry. For some reason, she couldn’t let the tears fall, or more-so wouldn’t allow them to. Even as her heart tightened so much that she thought it might burst out of her chest. She wondered if maybe it was so he didn’t see how badly he was breaking her. Maybe it was so she didn’t feel it herself.
She wasn’t sure.
“I’m sorry.” Sorry. After all of that he was…sorry. “You don’t deserve this.” He reached to grab her hand but she jerked it away. “You deserve better than this. Than me. Than our fucked up situation.”
She stared at him, she wasn’t sure what her face said, what it conveyed. Was it rage? Disgust? Betrayal? She didn’t know.
“Leon, I like it. I don’t mind our situation.” She knew she was lying, she hated the secrets, but she loved him. “I love you. I don’t care about the secrets and the lies. I just want you. Leon, please.” She grasped onto anything that she could, any look on him that showed he didn’t want this either. That there was some other reason for it.
It was desperation on her face.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t what?” She really was desperate. She knew it showed in her voice. Knew it was what her face said. But she didn’t care. For once she didn’t care if her desperation showed. She had to know what was happening. She had to know what was going on that caused him to come into her place just to break her heart like this. To go from being each other’s people who filled in those cracks that their job had left them with–to causing more cracks in her than the job ever would.
“Can’t ask you to possibly give up your job because someone found out!” She recoiled when he raised his voice. “Watch as you have to get reassigned because Hunnigan already confirmed that it would be you. That you would be moved to another branch! You can’t expect me to watch as your life completely changes just so you can be with me!” He ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the ends. “That’s why we’re done, Y/N/N. Why we have to be. Both in this relationship and in our partnership for work.” His voice dropped as he said the next words: “As a precaution, I already sent in the request for a new partner.”
Any and all grip she thought she had on reality fell as she heard those words. As she watched him walk to her door, “Leon–”
He put his hand on the handle “I’m really sorry Y/O/N/N. Truly, deeply, sorry.”
And she did nothing as she watched as he walked out of the door. Out of her apartment. Out of their relationship. Her life.
But the nothingness didn’t last long as she angrily wiped the tears that had started to finally let go and walked to the liquor cabinet that mostly held his alcohol. She opened it and grabbed one of his bottles of whiskey. Angrily twisting off the top, not grabbing a glass and just drinking from the bottle. She didn’t care that she fucking hated whiskey because it made her so angry. She didn’t care because it was his and she had to get rid of it.
She looked at her door again and the grip on the bottle tightened as she felt the sting of it going down her throat. But instead of taking another sip, she swung it back and threw it at the door that he left out of. She let out a scream, not caring if the cops were called.
She was angry. Angry at Leon. At herself. At everyone and everything. It wasn’t fair that this was happening to her. Especially when she thought that everything was going to be fine. She didn’t understand that even though he called for a new partner they had to break up. They wouldn’t be breaking any fucking rules that way! She couldn’t understand why he asked for a new partner. None of it made sense. The only thing that made sense to her was that he found someone else that made him happier than her. Found someone that he wouldn’t have to lie about.
Found someone like Ada. Found someone and he never wanted to see her again because…because–
She felt her knees collide with the floor as she sobbed. It wasn’t fair. They were supposed to stay together. He was the one thing that she felt that she got right in this world and here he was leaving her broken hearted.
She hated it and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that her mom was right. That no one would like her and she would end up alone. That at some point whoever she was with would realize that they could do better than her and leave. That they would realize how much of a horrible person she was and leave. That no one would want someone as broken and selfish as she was.
She hated it because why did her mom have to be right?
She hated it because why did she just have to lose the best thing that had ever happened in her life.
Why did she have to lose the one constant in her life for the past five years?
Why did she have to lose the only thing that she felt like she could rely on anymore?
Why did she have to ruin everything?
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