Will the real slim shady
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At least tho when it comes to Venom fans at least they don’t seem to be shy that they want to fuck the monster
whereas with Wheatley, and with Henry Creel, it’s a lot of fixation on the blank nondescript human form
whereas of course I’ve always been out here with every character I’ve ever wanted to fuck like. No. I want to fuck that version of them that’s inhuman and gross and nasty
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When I listen to Aliens (Super Zeroes mix) by Figure and they say “the aliens are probing me” I’m super normal
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Thinking abt my stupid girl voice irl
I’m known for having a “nice voice” even tho I can’t sing but often when I speak loud it squeaks/cracks bc I’m a bit raspy in general and
what a nerd I am
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Thinking a lot abt drill bf tonight
might go try to see him, I haven’t seen him since 2025
everything’s just been so much. Idk if he’s at the same location as last or if he’s lost again
but if I really am leaving this place by May 1, I want to see him before I go. So I need to find him
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Anyway my social anxiety is really high this morning
really feeling nothing but that the whole world hates me and thinks I’m a useless waste of space and wants me gone so that they can devour the things I have because I don’t matter my feelings don’t matter and never will
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Having social anxiety AND I just got my period. Super good stuff 🫡 would love to just. Leave this place and not come back. It’s not bc something especially bad happened. But the abuse over like 10 years has really wore me down. Really battling rn feeling like a bad person even tho I’m probably the nicest person in this vicinity. Victim blaming ☝🏻
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ST fandom is so weird. There will be basically unreadable fanfic - formatting so horrid I cannot read it - and it will have 350 kudos
ok then
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I need to get myself into situations where I’m not abused anymore and where I’m actually wanted and that’s the truth tbh
it’s chronic abuse, chronic not being wanted that’s fucking with my head. I experience it all the time irl and then I come online and I think my subconscious wishes to experience a feeling of belonging here bc it doesn’t have that irl, and I get mad when I can’t access that here.
bc it feels like I SHOULD be able to access that online, but I can never seem to be able to, so I get mad and blame myself, and have thoughts like “why do you have to be so different, why do you have to be so unpalatable”. They say not to victim blame - but it’s fucking hard? It’s hard not to blame yourself when you are constantly in abusive situations irl and it really does feel like every single human being just, doesn’t want you. They say “the right people will want you” but idk. I don’t feel that. Instead I just feel like it’s *my* fault. I blame myself - it’s because my brain can’t operate like a “normal” human being, I can’t curb my likes and dislikes enough to be like others.
i don’t think I’m going to be able to stop blaming myself these days so I’m considering a lot of trying to find some way to change myself instead. Idk.
maybe if/when I remove myself from the abusive situations irl that would make a big difference, but I’m not really counting on it. I think I’ve been highly conditioned by them to believe that there isn’t a way out simply because my brain isn’t “right” or “good enough”.
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I wish I could write Tenebris tonight but it’s just too difficult to force myself when I’m so mentally tired.
i did a small bit of drafting tho and I feel like I’m gonna be able to get a decent amount of it done on the weekend so I might be able to post next week
nothing too exciting but the sooner I get done this part the sooner I can write the really awesome bits so there’s that