#OCD

The sad truth is, I don’t want to leave Tumblr. I discovered the Tumblr Beatles fandom months ago, and to be honest, I love you guys. I hate the thought of starting over on a different website, because we’ll all scatter and there’s no way I’m going to find all of you again.

I do have a Pillowfort account, but I don’t have any friends. And with my weird “only follow people who follow me” OCD compulsion, that makes it even harder.

I’m depressed, and I get the feeling I’m also going to be lonely soon.

C#126

That’s sweet! I’m glad its able to help you. It’s amazing the impact these characters have

I have a few common phrases still left in my mind. Most are relating to either “mommy”, “kids”, or “touching”.

This can be frustrating because I keep saying stuff over and over and over.

I try to tell myself to stop, because Its something i do verbally.

At school I try to do it quieter but at home I do it louder. Sometimes I do it around family but try to keep it quiet if its weird and argue with it with myself later.

This also happens with my partner.

But we talk to through text, so that helps.

Although, the comments become more child related when I’m around him, and that bothers me.

Its probably because I’d never want to say something like that. I know it would make him uncomfortable, and possible more-so with his past

But I don’t like to make myself feel bad about it. It feels involuntary, so I don’t think theres much i can do.

A thing that explains this is tourettic OCD, but once again, there isn’t much I can do with this right now. There are so many things I want to do with my mental and physical body. I am pretty afraid of mentioning them all at once. But I wouldn’t feel right just mentioning one and not the others. Maybe I’ll do it in groups.

your brain has already been trying to convince you youre evil but now ppl on the internet are doing that tol

As I was vacuuming, making multiple passes through the dining room and finding myself making eye contact with a sun chip tucked into a corner where the cabinet meets the wall, I found myself feeling really bad. I was having an internal debate with myself as to whether it was a waste of time, then trying to determine if I had it “in” me to pick it up, followed up by wondering if I should play ignorant if my partner were to bring it up (very unlikely). And then it was hitting me: I feel bad because it feels like a lot of my life necessitates lying for me to get by.

I have to act like I am way less observant than I am because of my executive dysfunction or lack of energy. I have to pretend that my memory is way worse than it is because it’s tiring to have to explain that I was thinking about doing a specific task, but only at times where I am unable to do something about it (like thinking about calling the doctor but only when its 8pm and the office is closed. I have to give the impression that I am not as competent at work to prevent burnout & buy myself time. it’s a lot of lying and pretending just to save me time & energy and I wish it didn’t have to be like this.

Not only is it sucky to keep track of, but moral OCD makes it so I find myself in a small moral dilemma each time I decide if I should lie or conceal information. So then I can find myself pelted with little bits of guilt through the day and it’s just hard sometimes. It’s not so bad as it used to be, thanks to meds & HRT. The moral dilemmas come up, but they’re mostly benign and I’m able to resolve them quicker. But still, it’s annoying to have to keep swatting away these flies.

it would be great if people started tagging stuff as tw/cw sickness. cuz thats triggering for a lot of folks with ocd

i hate going into therapy because i always worry that i need to present as put together or they’re going to think i’m a complete wreck that can’t be trusted BUT if i’m too put together they’ll think i don’t have any mental health problems take me off my medications and gaslight me

guy who makes one single mistake that doesn’t actually effect things that much: sorry (god im the worst person ever i’ve ruined everything. i’m the worst person ever!!!!!! im gonna think about this for the next five hours. what do you mean everyone has already forgotten about it) haha. my bad

You can’t be certain you will be able to tell neutral mess from dangerous mess

Anyone reading this:

Take this post as a sign to unfollow that blog that does nothing but discoursepost and make you spiral.

You’re not a bad person for not wanting to see that.

Mice advice?

I don’t want to over clean and would rather be chill instead of obsessed.

Dishes in Sink: Would you wash your dishes with bleach? I don’t have a dishwasher, so can’t sterilize on high heat setting. I’d prefer to just wash with hot water and soap.

Granite Counter: Soap and hot water?

Stove Top and Cabinet: Lysol wipes?

Various sealed items - like olive oil, wine, almond milk: Lysol wipes?

I’ve never used bleach before and tbh don’t really want to either. I also live in a part of the US that is not prone to the Hanta virus, so that’s nice to know.

lately when I say the word “chicken” my brain is like “you just said the n-word” so now I am afraid of the word chicken. that’s pathetic. lmaoooo

On my anxiety attack grindset

How can I be good if nothing I do

Is with pure good intentions

But a selfish attempt to face myself

When my thoughts call me evil and awful

All day All the time and I can only remember

The harm I’ve caused

How can it be ocd fear of harm

When I do cause harm Conflict and chaos

anywhere anytime I let my guard Down too far

unleash my thoughts on others

Get too close trust too deeply let others feel

the gravity of what’s never enough

ocd drastically ruining the way i interact with fandom what’s new. I’m so tired

What Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Is and Is Not

You know, the very first time someone floated the idea that I might have OCD to me, my reaction was “and have you seen the state of my house right now?”.

If you’re a rumination machine like me and know multiple languages try and force yourself to think in a language you don’t think with much, it helps shut it up good

Disorder famously known for being one of the worst disorders to experience is famously one of the worst disorders to experience, and downplaying OCD and other severe mental illnesses/disorders doesn’t change the severity of the disorder! So obvious, yet some people don’t seem to understand this very basic concept.

You can’t guarantee you are on top of everything

I finally spoke about my ocd in therapy after being in therapy for 4 years. It was so difficult and I spent the entire session sobbing because a lot of it I never thought I’d talk about in my entire life. I thought I would be buried with these thoughts because they shouldn’t be uttered out loud. My therapist was very supportive and has worked out a treatment plan for me now but it’s so raw.

I cried walking back from that session and cried talking to my mum about everything that I’ve had to deal with since I was a child.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore because every time I’m worried I’m going to have intrusive thoughts about my therapist.

I’m so sick of this.